How would you feel if your mother told you to fuck off?

[carlajean]

I'll try to keep this brief, but would really appreciate some input .
My mum(80s) has been in hospital for 2 1/2 weeks with a knee operation. Me and my sisters don't live nearby but have worked hard to make sure that she and my dad have had lots of support.
My mum hated being in hospital, understandably. So, the day she came out I went to stay for 2 or 3 nights to help. It didn't start well when I said that she shouldn't have been rude to a nurse (we were being given an interminable story of how rude some of the staff were). My line was that I could understand how she felt, but thought she was wrong, and was entitled to my opinion. So she burst into tears and told me I could fuck off.
Part of me thought I shouldn't have said it but I hadn't said it really judgementally, but in a lighthearted way, I.e. don't do that , they'll Chuck you out ha ha.

The thing is, in our family, when my mum does something crazy or incredibly socially inept, we've always just pretended it never happened and I thought, as I'm going to be here for a while, I'll be honest.

So, I stayed, as I didn't know how she was going to manage and I was hoping she'd calm down.


The rest of that day and the next morning it was like living with a volcano, she was so angry, all the time. Constantly bullying my poor dad (who just takes it) and unpleasant. The occupational therapist came, to assess her, and at the end, chatting to me and my dad, said that she recommended that their rugs were removed or firmly fixed. They've got loads of little ones, and they àre a hazard.

So she went. My mum was banging around in the kitchen, obviously in a temper, but I thought I had to talk to her about it. So, as nicely as I could I raised it with her and she absolutely venemously said 'fuck the rugs'. I said 'suit yourself' and walked into the other room.

..then I packed my bag, walked out the door, and caught the bus home, crying.

This swearing is new for my mum, but the anger has always been there and I know she's an old woman and won't change but I've had enough.

My sisters are supportive, but when they spoke to my mum, nothing was said about it, and I feel sad that nobody else will challenge her.

Also, my son went round to see her with his girlfriend today (I haven't discussed this with him in depth as she and my dad are his only grandparents and I think they should have a relationship) and everything was 'fine' and my mum got him and his girlfriend to put on her surgical stocking for her. Is that normal? He's 30 and I think it's fucking weird.

Sorry to go on, I just feel bad about it, but also relieved and seriously thinking of going NC. Has anyone done that with a mother this old?

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

I'm pleased that people on here have shown empathy about how terrifying the loss of control is, and changes needed via occupational health etc

I have empathy as it happened to me when I became disabled. Except no one gave a flying fuck how I felt it how my life, identity and independence was being shredded overnight. I'd give anything for that same kindness and empathy.

So OP, please separate out the usual unpleasantness & issues with your mother, from the terror of losing independence.

I'm not Satu g you have to suddenly turn into a martyr, but I do think you lose the moral high ground by choosing the moment when your mum is scared and losing her freedom and independence as the moment to change entrenched family dynamics and relationships. You'll also be a lot less likely to be successful either, by choosing this moment to do it in, unless you want the result to be unhappiness & cutting yourself off completely.

I also have a ghastly mother who behaves appallingly. But knowing how terrible it is to lose your independence and status as a 'proper adult', I'd make sure you're judging her fairly at this moment in time.

[lljkk]

tbh, compared to emotional mind games my mother played over the yrs, a straightforward 'Fuck Off' would be somewhat amusing and refreshing.

[carlajean]

again, thank you to all of you who've responded, I'm finding it very useful.

[GoOnGoOnGoOnGoOn]

Doesn't matter how anyone else would feel OP. What matters is how you actually feel.

[Kintsugi]

You do have to be true to yourself as goongoon says, nobody else has this particular relationship, so nobody else can judge what is right for you

[Bluetrews25]

It sounds like you've been putting up with lots of flak for years.
Were the nurses rude or was DM being a grump? (Or were they reflecting back DMs attitude?)
I don't blame you for walking out. You reap what you sow - if you're angry and obnoxious to those closest to you for years, they will reach the end of their ropes at some point.
I hope I will never tell one of my DCs to f off.
Sounds like you and your sisters had done as much as you could from your geographical distances. Please don't feel you have to throw yourself under DMs metaphorical bus just because she is old.

[Toffeelatteplease]

Please don't feel you have to throw yourself under DMs metaphorical bus just because she is old.

Personally I think there are ways of engaging that mean you don't have to throw someone significantly more vulnerable under the metaphorical bus instead