What help is out there for abusive men?

[HelpmehelpBro]

I have a brother who is seriously worrying me.
He's 26, lives with my mum, has a wife and a 9 month old son.

She's 25, they got together 3 years ago. Relationship has always been turbulent to say the least. There's no other term I can use other than they're both "ghetto" "street" all that lifestyle of drinking, selling drugs(him), raves, cheating (him) etc.. Think of your typical guy on the streets in London and that's my brother.

He's been off the rails from around the age of 17, dropped out of college and has been in prison for fighting numerous of times.

She on the other has been to Uni and was a dental nurse, somehow she let him bring her down to his level and, although my mother and I warned her to stay away from him, she fell pregnant and they got married shortly after.

We're Muslim so we pretty much had to get them married to respect the girl.

Fast forward to now, numerous incidents of him claiming she's outside clubbing/meeting men/drinking etc.. So he goes to her mums house intoxicated threatening to kill her and break the door down.

He's trashed my mums house, slapped both my mum and me in front of my kids ( I stay overnight on the weekends as I work weekday evening and one weekend, mum is my child care). We kicked him out following this incident as my dd1 (4) witnessed it.

There's been another incident today, I can't deal with this anymore. My mums in bits, we all work aside from him, my dad is useless because he over indulges him ( think he has his own issues as his mum died when he was born and he was brought to England to study abroad in the 70s so he felt abandoned and he endured racism) .

He promised to change so my mum let him back in after he cried his eyes out.

I should add that my SIL has a form for winding him up, I am with another guy, I'm out what you going to do? That type of stupidness... I've told her several times to not answer his calls, cut contact, get a divorce, call the police because antagonising him will escalate things.

He was helping her move her stuff in her new flat the other day. So she's clearly not following my advice.

What can we do as a family? We've suggested sending him back home but we're from a place where there's lot of extremism so my mum fears for him, besides he doesn't speak anything other than English, has never been back home and hasn't got a clue about the culture.

Any programmes? Rehab?

Thank you for reading.

[BonnieNoClyde]

They might be. It's harder to walk away from a son/brother. A relationship ends. People get that. It's not uncommon to not be in touch with an x and it's not something that people are forced to justify.

As OP knows, it's a bigger step to cut out a son/brother. I don't think one can deduce that the family of one abusive family member are necessarily co-dependent.

[ShipShapeAhoy]

I have a similar situation to you with my brother. He isn't married but he lives with my mum, is abusive and an addict and he has a complete lack of respect.

I've come to realise that he is an adult. At his age I had graduated, got a good job and moved away from home.

My brother blames everything that goes wrong with his life on someone else, nothing is ever his fault. I wonder if it is the same with your brother? You said your mum did not follow up the doctors appointment, you don't seem to realise it isn't your mum's job to do that, it is your brothers. That is how my family were to my brother but you have to come to see that he is an adult who should be capable of looking after himself.

It sounds to me that like my family, your family are supportive and have tried to help him. I'm so glad that my mum realised she had done her best for my brother and he was not taking any of the help offered to him, I think you will need to do the same. Until your brother is ready to accept help and to help himself, there is nothing you can do.

[butterflygirl15]

His behaviour is not going to change with you all indulging him. His actions have very few consequences. If you just keep letting him back into your lives then you are giving him permission to abuse you all again.

And even if your SIL does wind him up, his behaviour is his fault alone. You cannot change him - all you can change is whether you will put up with it. You don't want to, but you keep allowing him back.

Don't let your child grow up watching this behaviour thinking it is ok. You need to protect them if nothing else.

[BonnieNoClyde]

a comment on the ''winding up''.

My x would have said the same! But I wasn't intentionally winding him up, I was trying to get through to him that he had no right to x, y or z. but obviously he was going to keep doing it even if I thought he had no right. The only way to get through to these characters is to make it clear that the police and the law will support you not them in a dispute. That gets through quicker than a million very well articulated reasonable points.

[Mary1935]

Hi there are this family involved in children and family services. You can report any concerns to your local council.ask to speak to children and families within social services who will do an assessment and identify any needs or more importantly RISKS. Or you can protect your identity and refer to the NSPCC who will protect your details.The child needs protecting asap. Thanks

[Twinklestein]

Either report every incident to police and encourage your mum to get a non-mol against him: or send him 'home'.

It will do him good to go to a culture where drugs and alcohol are forbidden.

[HarveySpectre]

From what OP has described, they are all co-dependant. Trying to organise his life for him, trying to manage his relationships, his recovery, what to do with him, where to send him....they are all on the merry go round

[HarveySpectre]

You don't need to cut contact (it might be helpful though, initially). You can learn to 'detach with love'.

You have to let go of trying to make him better. You really cant. If another person could do that for an addict, then addiction wouldn't be the massive problem it is x

[Atenco]

Another one voting for Al Anon and the police.

Your mother should kick him out, he is an adult so she has done her job, now it is up to him.