Can I please talk about my ILs? Feeling angry.

[heylilbunny]

DH'S family are basically a good bunch who mean well. They are from a different country/culture. We are moving back to their nation next week and I just got .a call from SIL (who hardly ever calls me although she speaks to DH a few times a week). After a cursory "how are you?" she told me when we move back she and FIL want me to fly my three kids to stay with them for a week. I said "that is never gonna happen" and then she quickly said "oh well you can come too of course" gee, thanks. She then went on to say she and her dad want to come and see us - she basically was telling rather than asking. We are just about to make a huge move and I want to focus on making our new house a home and enjoy the time with the kids.

I think I am furious because it always feels like they operate from what they want and never ask if it is something I, DH or the kids want. It also reminds me of when FIL and wife decided to come and stay at our new house two weeks after we moved in when everything was still in boxes.

I am very happy for our kids to have a good and loving relationship with their extended family but I feel like I am treated as an afterthought.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I do not think its a cultural issue; some families do remain very closed off to what they regard still as "outsiders" to the family even though they have been a part of the ILs family for many years.

These people are never fully accepted (I do not feel accepted by DHs family and am still very much an afterthought).

[heylilbunny]

Yes, Meerkat I do often feel MIL relates to my DH almost as a spouse and wants him to take emotional responsibility for her. My SIL does seem to have turned much more to DH too since her marriage broke down.

I feel sometimes almost invaded like they would happily take up residence literally and emotionally in our own nuclear family if we let them. Our kids also told me that their dad said that he doesn't need any friends only family. I have a lot of friends and I need my friends and love making new ones. None of his family seem to make many friends.

[heylilbunny]

viva100 I think having them stay for 4+ weeks at a time is being pretty understanding! They are not some huge Mediterranean clan that is in and out of each other's homes. They are very focused on certain family members and DH is definitely the Golden Boy.

[aurynne]

If they stayed with you for several weeks, then they may think offering to have you and your children at theirs is a way of returning the favour. I think you were quite rude in their response to them. Cultural differences exist between every culture, a small token into trying to understand them should be a given in a mixed culture marriage. I am sure their family also think there are lots of weird things about the English!

[heylilbunny]

You may think I was rude but she was basically informing me to put the kids on a plane without asking how I felt about that as their mum after not talking to me for a very long time. I think that was also rude and it upset me. She will not let her own children be taken out for an ice-cream or go anywhere without her but automatically wants me to put my children on a plane.

As it turned out she had told DH of her plans and he had already said no, so that was also disrespectful.

[Meerka]

hmm, you need to keep in very close communication with your husband after these sorts of things happen.

Would it be feasible at all to talk to her in an un-British, blunt way and explain that your cultures are different and that your expectations and hers differ on some things but that it will make things much easier for you both if, as well as you respecting her traditions, she adjusts to some of yorus? then list them - eg she talks to you BOTH about any plans with the kids and that she phrases it as a request not a demand. Maybe explain that in UK culture, that is considered a very great deal politer and you have to ask, you can't necessarily assume. Don't get drawn into discussions, simply politely stating and if necessary re-stating what you would like her to do.

But you would need your husband totally on side for that.

If not, then you and he are still going ot have to work together. Perhaps he could step back a bit from them and insist that any plans are asked of you, not him. Then you have to state clearly what you can and can't provide in the way of hospitality.

They won't like any changes in the current status quo, but people do adjust. No one likes change until they get used to it. But right now, this situation is grating on you so ideally it needs to change.