Feeling sad and no one I can call.

[Nanodust]

I've been feeling quite sad about how things have become with me and DH for sometime. Things really became strained after kids arrived and we constantly seem to be falling out and making up.

However it's all really begun take a drain on me. I feel very alone, my family aren't supportive and I don't have many close friends. I'm sure on the outside no one knows that, but I am quite optimistic in general so tend not to tell people how I feel.

Anyway he asked me last week if a night was clear for him to meet with friends, checking I'd not made plans etc. I thought was okay and he made plans. Today I realised I'd completely forgotten about a work thing that evening.

He reacted so angrily, swearing etc. I explained I was sorry for the mistake but mistakes happen etc. He now isn't speaking to me, won't discuss anything, sleeping in a different room and just giving me the silent treatment.

I'm sure the kids pick up on this and it makes me so sad. I want to try and get us back, but I'm just so scared he doesn't care about me now or that there is so much resentment and tit for tat that we've blown it. He criticises me a lot, tells me sometimes that I'm a difficult person etc. then denies it later or says he was joking.

He hasn't told me I look nice for months, we haven't been physical for months and I can't even seem to initiate communication now. When I've suggested we've issues he tells me that's not true when I a good mood, at his worst mood told me he was only with me because of the children. I don't know what to believe. He's sometimes so kind and lovely, then other times hurtful. Or am I expecting too much?

I don't know what to do, I feel very scared and sick with worry and sadness.

[Nanodust]

Leaving when kids are involved is also such a bigger deal. My anxieties etc are all psychologically linked to my parents splitting I'm sure.

[Nanodust]

Sometimes the kids reprimand him for how he's being. I hate that, it breaks my heart. He suggests I've encouraged it and manipulated them to say things. I would never, ever do that.

He has a temper, but tells me I have the temper. That makes me angry and the he says, see you're the one getting angry. I have no temper with anyone else but him.

[Wombat22]

You could have a look around the relationships threads. There are loads of threads about different types of abuse and links to websites that can help (i.e. Womens Aid, Abuse forums)

I'm glad that you feel better for getting it out by posting

[Nanodust]

Think he's turning off the Internet in a few minutes, if I don't respond that Is why. Thanks for listening x

[PatriciaHolm]

Why is he turning off the internet? To spite you? Stop you talking online?

He doesn't sound like a lovely man at all.

[Wombat22]

That's not good for the kids. On the relationship threads, experienced posters talk about 'red flags'. This means warning signs. Such as gas lighting = twisting information in his favour or making you doubt your memory about what he said, making you feel you're going crazy. Accusing you of manipulating the children

[Wombat22]

Oh no. I don't like the sound of that
When you come back, you'll find plenty of support here.

[FriendofBill]

Oh dear OP, this is not acceptable from him at all.
If he has turned the Internet off for no reason?

[Wombat22]

Why would any normal person turn off the internet?

[ThreeQuartersEmpty]

He's turning off the router?
Why on earth? You've kids under 5yo. They're not teenagers up all night on God knows what sites.
You need to find out what that's all about. What's he doing when you're asleep.
Is the turning the Internet off and going to bed early a decoy?

[Nanodust]

Morning. He turns off the internet because he worries if it's on all night. He thinks it costs money or some thing! I've explained that's not the case but he's a bit OCD about these things.

Thanks for support x

[FantasticButtocks]

If you want to use the Internet and he's turned it off...turn it back on!

[Nanodust]

Of course, I'd turn it back on- but sometimes I just can't be bothered with the debate about leaving it on. He genuinely worries about it.

[Temporaryanonymity]

He doesn't sound like someone I'd like to live with.

Would you mind if I tell you a little bit about my life? I work full-time and my DCs are a little older than yours. I separated from their father around 2 years ago and the three of us live alone.

It is absolute bliss. It is much easier than how our lives were before. Of course financially things are tighter but I'm in full control of that. I no longer tip-toe around someone else's moods and OCD quirks.

I've spent the last few years trying to stop my little anxieties. I've been working on my self-esteem, mainly through books.

[Melonfool]

I know plenty of people who turn the router off at night, in fact it is recommended. Two reasons - one; all unused electrical equipment should be turned off (and do cost money when left on, though in this case not very much), two; if the router is on some viruses can start up your devices and work their nefarious purposes behind the scenes, even if the devices were switched off.

This doesn't, of course, mean one person should have control of the router/internet, and if you're still using it then it doesn't get switched off. But just saying it's not that odd to turn it off, especially if you've got into the habit if doing it.

[John38]

I am not proud to say it but I can see some similarities between your partner and myself, although I manifested it a bit differently. I also have a passive aggressive behaviour that I am trying to work on. I can’t speak for your partner but for me I behaved in a similar manor to get affection and attention from my partner. I found that the only way I could get affection was when I was playing a martyr, your husband on the other hand might act in a different way. The point is that lead to a very unhealthy circle where me and my partner just dragged one another down.

Let me ask you do you become even more attentive to his needs when he is acting like this? If so then this could be his way to get your affection and attention.

I am not sure this help and unfortunately I don’t know how to fix it. If that is the case for your husband all I can say is that he needs to realise this and he needs to find a better and more healthier way to get the affection or attention he wants.

I hope it all works out for you

[Nanodust]

Thanks John, for the male perspective. I used to offer more affection to this behaviour, but after reading some books on behaviour realised that was not the right response. I now try to ignore the behaviour and carry on as normal.

However this sometimes means that the responses become harsher, sometimes not though. I tried to speak to him last night, he told me to go to bed, that I had huge bags under my eyes and he didn't want another boring conversation. This morning he hasn't spoken to me and left the house to work.

I hate that the kids are exposed to this. This current mood is all because I got dates mixed up and he needs to rearrange a night out.

I do love him though so it's not about my projection etc, I just feel that we have both become very lost and as you say, in a circle of unhealthy behaviour. I feel physically and emotionally exhausted.

Temporary- I'm so glad that things have worked out for you. I'm not sure I'd want us to split up, that scares me at this point in time. However your words of strength and wisdom are appreciated.

[Hussarsataparty]

Hello - wondering how you're feeling today? Hope things are ok x

[Nanodust]

Thanks Hussart- he's not talking to me. Singing frozen songs and replacing lyrics with phrases like 'let daddy go', 'trapped in a kingdom of isolation' and 'won't be a good daddy anymore'. It's tedious.

[bjrce]

Hi Maugrim,

He sounds very angry!
It seems like every time you try to talk to him he just doesn't want to know. If you were to get into his mind I would say the biggest issue for him is that he feels unappreciated.
Obviously, you work extremely hard yourself, but it does seem his unhappiness is a great source of worry to you. You do sound like you love and care about him a great deal.
Having two DC at such a young age is exhausting, when you are in the middle of it, you can't even step back and see how tiring and difficult it is. You are so caught up in the daily chores. Obviously you don't want to complain about the DC, but it can be really difficult on a relationship.
The fact that you are the higher earner may have had an impact on his self esteem.

I remember I worked FT with 4 DC and both myself and DH never had a minute to think about ourselves. Its only that the are now getting a little bit older that we find time for just us.
One thing I have found is sometimes, say for ie. the recent situation re your DH going on a night out and you having a work event but you forgot about it, take ownership of the problem, he did check with you and you did genuinely forget about your work do. Say to him, you were right I got this one wrong, I will sort out a babysitter, sort out the problem before it gets out of hand and he ends up getting completely frustrated with you.
He probably feels he comes last.
Don't get into the big discussions with him. Men hate this. Ignore that he is not talking to you.
I know its difficult not to want to be intimate with a man who is constantly angry with you all the time, Also I do think its quite hurtful when he sarcastically sings those songs.
Its the little that count, drop in little compliments " you are a great dad" " I love when you do this..." " You always know the way to sort this out". Get into the habit of just kissing him on the cheek and saying I love you, daily. Its just a habit to get into.
Try not to criticize each other. I know right now it feels like its all on you, but it really can get better, I hope it all works out for you.

[chocolatedrops31]

Wow it sounds pretty hard going..can you suggest relate counselling and tell him that if he refuses, then the relationship is under threat? If he's refusing all efforts to try and get the relationship working again, then what else can you do? How about also working on the children's sleep..sleep training? If you're both more rested, things will look brighter. We have three children under four so I know how they can take a toll on the relationship..but doing couply things and having evenings together is essential (in my view)

[Nanodust]

Yes bjrce, I agree with a lot of what you have said and agree that you are correct. I'm partly to blame for not acknowledging his contributions, but when I try to make the effort he is often very patronising or cynical. I then feel quite irritated as he doesn't demonstrate a lot of recognition about what I do. In fact earlier in the week he called me a chancer who did nothing in the morning, he was angry.

I would suggest a childminder, but he always dismisses this. Says we can't afford it or wouldn't work with the kids sleep routine. I've tried to suggest that maybe we should just accept that and try a baby sitter on occasion but he changes the subject or clams up.

When I'm trying to talk to him now, he just grins to himself and ignores me/won't interact.

I once suggested marriage counselling and he was deeply offended and said he didn't think we had issues that would need that extreme intervention.

[Hussarsataparty]

oh hell, he sounds like his knickers are in a right old twist at the moment! Can't believe he would paraphrase the Frozen songs either. Is this a regular thing or a one-off? If regular, how does the pattern play out usually?

[bjrce]

Yes, he is really stuck in a rut and it is exhausting for you ( both).
Persevere, just try being kind, I understand about the issue re babysitting and sometimes at the end of the week the last thing you want to do is to start getting ready for a night out, its nearly more hassle than its worth.
Some things you can do are : just make a cup of tea and bring him in one without asking.
One habit I got into was, every Friday night, I make a nice meal just for the two of us, plus a bottle of wine, have a little candle on the table, this doesn't stop the kids running through the kitchen roaring as we're trying to eat but he knows I always make the effort and looks forward to our Fridays nights.

[Nanodust]

He's stop ignoring me and is now being dismissive in front of the children. Tried to speak with him again last night, I was so upset I was crying etc. not a great look I know. He wouldn't even react, told me to go to bed as all I want to talk about is feeling tired, my work or not feeling well.

He knows that it really hurts me this silent treatment and what ever happens over the next couple of days, I don't feel I can trust his feelings towards me anymore.