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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

DH discussing our (lack of) sex life with his parents

75 replies

reallywhatnext · 21/05/2015 19:47

I have just found out that he has been discussing our sex life with his parents and I am weirded out. They are coming to dinner tomorrow and not sure how to react

Is this odd to you?

OP posts:

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maroonedwithfour · 22/05/2015 22:29

Err.... Its just weird to talk to ur parents about your sex life

maroonedwithfour · 22/05/2015 22:27

Total dick. Also you have a really you g child. Tell him to wank.

Iflyaway · 22/05/2015 22:21

Oh Ugh!

That's all I can say.

Where are the boundaries?!

reallywhatnext · 22/05/2015 22:18

Sorry for disappearing have been slaving over a hot stove most of the day as well as dealing with the little one who is poorly. Thank you to everyone, plenty of food for thought.

Well have had dinner with the inlaws and nothing mentioned so I am going to leave it for now unless something happens. Even with having a young baby I havent wanted to have sex in the last 6 months due to various other reasons which (sorry) I dont want to go into.

DH hasnt really discussed it with me, he just moans and doesnt listen when I try and explain how I feel. We are ticking along at the moment but I will suggest going to counselling I think. We did a few years back and it did help, he just seems to have slipped back to his old habit of not really thinking about things from my perspective. His family are all extremely close which I find suffocating so I find them discussing anything I consider private (like my health and sex life) its a bit too much for me. Combine that with the veiled comments from the PILs about my parenting skills (because I dont do things their way) and i get very prickly indeed.

And finally, if DH wants his leg over he is going to step up as a parent and not leave it all to me

OP posts:

Joysmum · 22/05/2015 15:30

Not repressed at all. If I have an issue with mine and DH's sex life, I talk to DH about it. Out of respect, as it affects him too. Or my friends if I just need a rant

See I find that strange, you think it's appropriate to rant to your mates but not talk to your parents. How's that respectful?

Lweji · 22/05/2015 15:24

Just remembered that my exMIL also talked to me occasionally about her sex life.

I wonder if I look like someone who gives a damn. I don't bring it up or anything.

Unless he was bad mouthing you, I wouldn't be upset (and it might give you a better understanding of his point of view).
If he is lying and putting you in a bad light, then I'd probably give him a good kicking out.

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 22/05/2015 14:13

If I discussed it with my DH and nothing changed id discuss it with a counsellor. And if nothing changed despite repeated attempts to change it, probably a divorce lawyer.

wannaBe · 22/05/2015 13:32

but once you've talked to your dh/dp about it and nothing has changed, what then? do you then discuss it with no-one? just leave it to fester?

It sounds from the op as if they've been having issues for a while, the op admits herself that the relationship isn't great. And yet her dh shouldn't have the right to discuss it with his parents? Perhaps it would be better discussed with his mates down the pub then eh? no thought not.

IMO discussing your sex life in general as in "oh, I bought this lovely vibrator/dw went down on me in the bath last night," that sort of thing is always inappropriate, regardless of who you're discussing it with. I have never been able to understand why people talk about their general sex lives to their mates, and yes, discussing it with your parents would be inappropriate then as well. But if sex (or lack thereof) is causing issues within a relationship and you need someone to confide in then that is a different matter entirely.

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 22/05/2015 13:23

Not repressed at all. If I have an issue with mine and DH's sex life, I talk to DH about it. Out of respect, as it affects him too. Or my friends if I just need a rant.

itwillgetbettersoon · 22/05/2015 13:20

I agree Joysmum we are always saying that parents need to be able to talk to their teenage children about anything in a constructive way in order to protect and help them. Why should it change when they become adults?

I also don't like the sexism that it is fine for women to talk to their parents but with men it becomes yucky and odd. It's not often I say it but occasionally I do feel sorry for blokes.

fourchetteoff · 22/05/2015 13:02

Wannabe has put it all very well.

Joysmum · 22/05/2015 12:29

I agree with wannaBe.

I really struggle to see the logic of some people

From the start, my DM wanted me to be able to discuss anything with her. I needed to be confident in that so that when I felt ready to have sex for the first time, she could take me to the docs to go on the pill and talk about STDs etc.

Of course, that doesn't mean a detailed blow by blow sniggers account but who could I talk to if not my mum?

There's always been a certain faction on MN for whom talking to anyone about your relationship is a big no no.

All I can say is there are a lot of repressed people on here!

grumbleina · 22/05/2015 10:44

There's a difference, to me, between discussing sex life as in.... hints and tips... with parents, which would be capital-c-Creepy, and discussing a libido issue, which is sort of more a relationship problem.

But I might be biased because I'd definitely talk about that with my mum, she's good at advice. There's lots of stuff I've discussed with her that DH would probably be embarrassed by, but he doesn't know. I don't see it as underhanded, just courtesy, same way I don't want to know what he says to his parents about me. And I'd be furious if he went through my emails and then got angry about something I said - I think it's my right to ask advice from my own mum about issues in my life!

Also re the visit - works the same as all stuff like this, no? Everyone pretends not to know anything, everything is pleasant. It's not like they're going to bring it up! If they do they don't understand The Rules and I'd change my mind and say no he shouldn't talk to them about anything, ever.

DrMorbius · 22/05/2015 09:19

wannaBe - 100% with you.

wannaBe · 22/05/2015 09:08

bitoffun There's a difference though between sharing passwords because you have nothing to hide and actually making the effort to go and look, iyswim.

I don't have anything to hide, My dp knows my phone pin and I know his. but if he started to look through my emails I would wonder why. Not that any of my email conversations are worth reading anyway but IMO knowing/sharing passwords isn't indicative of lack of privacy it's indicative of trust within a relationship, a trust which the op has now betrayed by snooping.

DrMorbius · 22/05/2015 09:02

Did you think perhaps he had no one else to discuss it with (he would hardly tell his mates). Perhaps he tried to discuss it with you, but was made to feel he was being whinging and whiney.
Side note - suprisingly little critism for describing one's partner as whinging and whiney.

Frankly him discussing your (lack of) sex life with anyone is the least of your problems. You seem to have DC you dont want and have little respect for him and his privacy.

I suggest you tell him you "broke into his email" and you are not happy with him discussing your sex life with his parents and see where that discussion takes you.

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 22/05/2015 08:42

Littlemonsters it's her sex life as well as his. I would see that as a massive breach of trust.

flanjabelle · 22/05/2015 08:40

I have spoken to my dm in the past about my lack of sex life. I think its very different to telling your parent(s) the sordid details of your sex life. I think it most definitely is part of a bigger picture when you are talking about reasons a relationship isnt going very well.

Imo you need to either start talking to each other and work out a way forward or call it a day. You sound miserable.

Littlemonstersrule · 22/05/2015 08:27

They are his parents, he should be able to discuss anything he wants with them. They don't stop being his parents when he gains a wife.

Snooping through his emails is very wrong though, a huge breach of privacy and I would be livid of my DH did this. Its a trust thing, it's broken the moment somebody snoops.

Onecurrantbun · 22/05/2015 07:43

It depends what you mean by "discuss sex life", imo sex is not dirty or rude it is part of life and I do chat about it with my mum. Ok so we don't give each other full blown details of times, dates etc but if DH and I were having problems I would say so.

TheBooMonster · 22/05/2015 07:34

I wouldn't be surprised if my DH discusses it with his parents, they MiL seem all to eager to discuss contraception with us and I was a bit when MiL thought it was appropriate to tell DH that he should book an appointment to get the snip over dinner!!

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 22/05/2015 07:32

Surely you'd just say 'we don't get to spend much quality alone time together' though forum?

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forumdonkey · 22/05/2015 07:25

I don't think it is that odd talking with parents. You say he was discussing babysitting so maybe he wants them to babysit and give you both some quality time and do something romantic. He may have been saying how difficult it is to be intimate with the pressures of work and DC's and wants to remedy that with some alone time together. In that context I don't see a problem.

itwillgetbettersoon · 22/05/2015 07:10

Sounds like a throwaway comment - in context of would be great mum if you could babysit so that me an op could spend some time together as what with baby, me being snappy we don't get much time on our own.

Also my girlfriends talk about their sex lives to everyone. Why shouldn't a man talk about it. Perhaps he is very close to his mum. If men talked more openly I'm sure there would be less non diagnosed male cancers, depression Etc.

daisychain01 · 22/05/2015 06:46

My first reaction is that your DH is being disloyal to you. A whinge about how hard-done-by he is? Bloody diddums!

I mean, what does he hope to gain by talking with his Parents, it isn't like they are going to give him advice on how to pep up his love-life.

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