if you were asked out on a date by a woman you've just met

[beaglesaresweet]

I mean, not just asked out under pretence, but actually for a drink and 'to see how you feel'. If you were a single woman over 50, and not had gay relationships but if you were 'off men', not dating and bad recent history with men, would you be curious enough to at least go on a date without giving any promises? Assuming you do like the look and personality of the person who asked you, of course.

What I really want to know is, how many women would consider an experiment with a stranger who appealed to them in general terms, at least as far as kissing. And how many would reject it out of habit of a lifetime, or the fact that they are not open-minded enough?

Would you feel that because you've never done it before by your 50s-60s, there is no point expermenting as you can't be attarcted and it would be too ridiculous or reckless ?

I was reading about Navratilova, apparently she came out as a bi- first, but really she calls herself gay now. Her wife had a husband and kids before. But you know, this is celebs, would an older 'normal' woman with grown kids be brave enough)?

Another question, would you ignore the offer if not interested, I'm talking about texting or online, or would you politely reply with a 'no thanks' and be flattered if you've only met that woman once?

[beaglesaresweet]

thank you, Bit, I'd love to meet the right person.
Thank you those who say I sound nice - I thought I've been sounding quite boring as the thread went on, and lost my humour! so thank you for your kind words!
I appreciate all advice on here, whether critical or not, the thread has been a great support! Imagining I couldn't discuss this in rl, I'm really grateful.

[BitOutOfPractice]

Well fwiw op I think you did the right thing to ask her.

And I also think it's very rude if her not to answer if she's got it.

I think you sound lovely and very sensible and caring and I hope you meet someone who appreciates that very soon

[beaglesaresweet]

hi again, Gin. This is a very small business, I think two other partners, not even sure she has a secretary, though I think her daughter is in it and does most of the PR, and the domain isn't a business name. I've put something like 'for X, private' in the title so if anyone else (decent) had access to it to, they wouldn't have opened it. Otoh she doesn't spend a huge amount of time on internet, so I didn't expect an instant answer.

I did ask her out for a drink but worded it more like 'would you consider dating a woman at all?' adding that I mean just a drink without any expectation of course. It was quite playful/humourous as I referenced something she said about men. It was theoretical but as it was me writing it, it was direct as well, giving my contact details too. I don't really want to put the exact text, what if she is on MN, wouldn't want to cause yet more embarassment!

As everone advising me against it, I 'm not planning to email again for sure, thought of a text but even that's too much according to mn wisdom

[GinSoakedBitchyPony]

I've done PA work for several different people, and about half of them don't have their own real email address on their bus. card, even if it looks like their personal one ie has their name.
The email address on the card is often one that their PA or the office admin will access and then forward or discuss the relevant stuff. People get sent a huge amount of junk and spam to business email addresses.
Do you know for sure that she is the only person who handles her email going to that address on the card?
Is the domain the name of the busines or is it a more personal one like a gmail account?
The more I'm reading your posts the more I become confused about how you worded the email. Did you actually directly ask her out on a date or was it more generic and worded more like your OP?

[beaglesaresweet]

velour, thanks for a really nice and insightful post! I feel less of an idiot after reading that. I wasn't so much rehashing but replying to the latest posts, away from MN I think of her but have given hope now about getting a reply - more than anything (her replying or not) I'm just sad that I won't see her again, I do think she is unique and special to me, you were describing it exactly right as to how I feel and whether I've done enough. It's also sad that yet again someone I'm drawn to, isn't available or interested, it's so hard to find that mutual spark and willingness to act on both sides. Recently those interested in me (men) just don't attract me, whether physically or mentally - and I need both.

Tbf one poster did say it was no harm just checking if she received the message, but I agree that I shouldn't, thanks for being so clear about the effect my apologising would have! I didn't think about that (ouch). So I won't do it.

[velourvoyageur]

Oh and you have nothing to apologise for (really, nothing whatsoever) so I think emailing to apologise might look a little like you're trying to find an excuse to contact her again. To put it v. plainly.

[velourvoyageur]

OP you sound really lovely :) I don't know you but I like you from this thread.
I do think you have a lot invested in this emotionally which is maybe a bit disproportionate to the situation. But I know what it's like to get a bit obsessed about a person.

Please please don't email/contact her again....please listen to everyone else saying this! I do agree it's shit of her not to reply if she's read it but that's one of the risks you let yourself in for, it's a reply in itself. I think everyone agrees that they personally would reply, so it's hard for us to provide an insight into what she's thinking.

I'd say it's just time to move on and just forget it. I think you're putting a lot of valuable energy into rehashing all the details of this and it's not achieving much is it.

I know it might seem like you're letting a really special unique person "go" and that it's worth more effort than you've put in up till now but you've tried the most you should IMO. If you keep chasing she'll be wondering if the level of interest you have in her is healthy, whereas if you just leave it there she'll be left with the impression that you did a perfectly normal thing in asking her out...

And by the way, I want to say that I really admire you for asking her out, it takes guts. I feel like I let loads of opportunities pass by because I'm just too either lazy or shy. Seriously- well done :)

(sorry if this is a really patronising post, sometimes I can't judge, but I did want to reply to this thread!)

[beaglesaresweet]

in a way it's only been a week, there is a 1% hope but I've given up pretty much.

[beaglesaresweet]

btw I don't think she thought I've misread her as such. I was asking in my message whether she'd ever consider going on a date with a woman, it was not at all written as if I assume she was gay or bi, I was carefully asking but in the same time I wanted to convey some hunour and confidence about it (by giving my contact details), maybe it did come across as a bit cocky. But i no way I said that I thought she was already experienced or interested in women.

[beaglesaresweet]

thanks, Door, and Millllie. I'd definitely much prefer a polite 'no' to nothing at all. I can't get my head around why would it be difficult to a mature experienced person (she is not at all a shrinking violet by all accounts and going by own impression). I mean I can see if it's difficult saying No to a long-tern friend or someone you see regularly as it can be awkward, but with anyone you may never see again, what is the actual difficulty. But I agree people can have different approach to things which is hard to understand for others. I srtill think not responding comes across as rude because it's dismissive, i.e. makes a person feel imsignificant after they take a brave step.

I think, am pretty sure, that in her case it's not a serious awkwardness as she is so direct in her style of talking to everyone - as I've witnessed in the group - but sadly I think she is just dismissive of me as someone being ridiculous and not important to her socially, and I can see that point of view as she is socially very confident/successful while I'm not not as much, it's also because I'm younger it's easy to be dismissive. She may well have taken it humourously and something to laugh about with a close friend or two! that's much more likely and fair enough. But I'd still prefer a 'no thanks' of course.

I haven't contacted her again though I'm still wondering whether to send a brief message just to apologise? I did apologise in the message already but it was still quite a confident message as if I believe she'll respond. Maybe now I should just apologise. Not sure. There is still a slight chance of her not seeing the message but we've been trough that here!

[Milllli]

I said the same Door.

[DoorToTheRiver]

OP I just meant she might feel awkward about it and not quite sure how to respond. I know it's very easy to just email or text back thanks but no thanks but if you did misread her she might feel awkward about the whole thing.

To some people responding to being asked out by someone they are not interested in, regardless of the reason - don't fancy them, wrong gender - is difficult and it's easier to avoid replying instead.

A lot of us would reply even to say no thanks but not everyone thinks the same way. It is horrid when you are kept dangling, better to know one way of the other.

[beaglesaresweet]

Millie, they shouldn't have opened it - it was her email starting with her name, there were other emails on that card for other partners. Also in the title I've put that it's for her personally. I really don't think that she's be upset even if anyone saw it - surely she'd just shrug, it wasn't her asking a woman out. I'm sure people who know her well would just think I was misguided, I never mentioned her giving me any come-on.

[beaglesaresweet]

Zillie, yes I agree with all this, I meant a 'fault' as in I've brought it on myself, all this wondering and obsessing, i.e. I asked for it. Nice of someone to say that if she was more polite about it, it would be much easier for me.

Yes, I get annoyed with men sometimes if they ask me out when I didn't give any clear signals, but then I say 'no thanks' in a grumpy way, but I don't ignore. It's still her prerogative to respond whatever way she wants, it's always a price to pay when you put yourself out for poss rejection.

[Milllli]

Sorry Beagle if I made you feel that her not replying is your fault. Didn't mean it that way just that if she is not bi/gay she may have felt uncomfortable that she was perceived that way OR someone else opened the email since it was sent to a company. Just because you put her name on it doesn't mean that others didn't open it, does it?

[Zillie77]

Beagles, in this day and age, it is certainly not "your fault" that you didn't get an answer! It is 2015 and we all should be very comfortable anf familiar with women asking women out and men asking men out! She is either thinking it over or just being a bit impolite. Perhaps she gets asked out often and so takes it very casually?

Some women who are accustomed to being asked out come to see it as sort of an annoyance and hence don't treat invitations with the respect they deserve.

[beaglesaresweet]

thanks, Emma, I feel like it's all my fault but thanks for giving a perspective that maybe she's not especially kind. As I mentioned I'd definitely answer whether a man or a woman with a 'no thanks'.

[NameChange30]

Yes that's why I think it was rude of her not to reply A little bit mean actually. So if it's any consolation she's probably not a good'un

[beaglesaresweet]

re obsessing, that's exactly the result of having no answer! it's so much better to hear a yes or a no.

[beaglesaresweet]

there was a phone number for the company but not her personal one. I could easily ask my friend for her number or from the small business she is in and text her, but phoning would be to direct and may be bad timing etc, plus I'm too nervous to talk directly - that would be also putting her on the spot with such intimate stuff!! no way would I want to receive such a call from someone while I'm possibly busy or not alone etc.

[beaglesaresweet]

Millli, no I didn't hvae a relationhip wth a woman, I've been curoius for a while and had another attraction but the woman was definitely not bi so I never asked her out (I knew her much better than this one of course). It's ok if she doesn't respond to my offer - I never EXPECTED anything when I've made it, it was done on impulse and the sense of strong attarction as I knew I wouldn't meet her again probably ever, so had nothing to lose. I had a feeling she might be that way inclined, just a feeling but in no way I was sure or expecting anything. Yes, I agree I may have taken jher at face value and maybe she's different deep down, but she's generally very outgoing and direct in her manner, so I had no reasons not to assume she's quite informal but I know it's all trial and error. She may still be all the things I think she is, just not interested or may have a BF.
How can you not try in life? I'm old enough to think it's better to try and fail than not try.

ALaugh, I don't mind really that I'm not on safe ground - how do ever know if a feelign is mutual unless you know someone really well, there isn't always an opportunity for that. Lots of men ask women out not knowing, it's normal, I've also asked men out and a couple of times got rejected as even if I knew there was some attraction they had their reasons. I've been single for a bit and I just don't feel like I should not give it a try when someone excites me, there are no ideal scenarios sadly when everything is clear, at least not with new people. I did say I will look for other dates - I've been doing that for some time but no one exciting came along ( and single).

[Milllli]

Thank you for that reply. I missed the bit where there was no phone number on the business card. I have followed the thread from the beginning Emma and was not suggesting she phone her now at all. Just missed where it had said that there was no phone number on the business card. Thanks.

[NameChange30]

^ Because the woman didn't give the OP her phone number. She gave her a card with her email address on. As the OP has already sent an email and not received a reply, finding her phone number and calling her would be stalker behaviour inappropriate IMO.

[Milllli]

Beagle why didn't you just ring her rather than email or text though? Just wondering really. Can I just ask something, im not sure I have understood completely. Have you yourself never had a relationship with a woman?

[Milllli]

See that's what I possibly disagree with. I don't feel you can know what someone is like or not like, formal or informal from one short meet. We make judgements about people initially based on what we see/hear but everyone is on best behaviour and not usually their true selves until months in. I feel you are slightly obsessing about her now which is easily done. If she was interested in you and bi/gay then I think you would know about it by now.