It is all becoming far too much.

[sherbetlemonD]

I don't even know where to begin. My life is falling apart. I'm not sure why i'm even going to post this. I don't need sympathy, I don't need people to understand or believe me. I guess I just need to get everything down in the hope I will feel better. I don't want to "out" myself so to speak (I have name changed not that I post much on here that will give much away)- so if there is anything on here that does "out" me please, please- I ask you to keep it to yourself.

I'm in my 20s and still live with my emotionally and physically abusive mother. My father is also here but in my book he is a spineless shrew. It may seem harsh- but please let me continue before you decide to judge.

I'm the youngest of 2. My mother has openly told me i'm a mistake and recently has even thrown into the mix that she wishes she had an abortion. She is continuously emotionally abusive, physically attacks me when she is drunk and tries to control every aspect of my life including what I eat, drink, when I leave for work (I do tend to stay out as late as I possibly can because quite often i'm terrified of coming home..).

People don't understand how difficult it is for me because she is so perfectly nice in public in front of friends/family and buys me expensive gifts for birthdays and Christmas and let's me drive "her" car (which she NEVER lets me forget- I gave her as much money as I could towards said car last year when I had some money from my GPs). I'd swap all that in a heartbeat if I could just have one day when i'm not attacked in some form.

She never admits she's wrong and she won't do anything/say anything that will make her look like a bad parent- which sometimes, leaves me looking like a liar and people will either look past it or they won't.

My Dad won't do anything to support me- he either sits there and stares in to space, sides with my Mum "for an easy life" (his words might I add) or goes to the work/gym. There are times when we are arguing in the middle of the night and he won't even bother to get out of bed even if I go up and ask him.

I'm expected to do pretty much everything around the house- cleaning, cooking, ironing, washing, food shopping. Don't get me wrong- i'm more than willing to pitch in but working 10+ hours sometimes and then coming home and being expected to clean and cook and being sent out to the supermarket at 9pm is wearing me out- which affects my ability to work. I get I live in their house for free, but they constantly say "you doing all this is your way of paying rent" but when I ask for the odd £10 so I can go to the cinema with friends i'm met with a barrage of abuse.

I work as a volunteer so my work is unpaid. I spend a lot of time online doing surveys and meaningless tasks for pennies so I can save up and buy things and by the time the time comes round to me being able to cash in it's usually to pay for presents at birthdays and Christmas or to pay for urgent things like new tyres, breaks on my car.

I ran up quite a bit of debt which I pay off monthly (if I can- sometimes I have to miss months) on store cards late last year buying things to sell on eBay so I had some money which has now run out.

The money I got from my GPs is quickly diminishing too- I only have about £100 left and after that I will be left living on the £150 DLA I get. They refuse to let me sign on because they don't want someone on the dole living in their house- too shameful apparently.

My sibling is treated completely differently. He is 2 years older and they dote on him completely. When he comes home with his girlfriend i'm usually completely forgotten about which in some form a relief, and in some form it still breaks my heart. He is still waited on hand and foot- and i'm expected to as well.

Despite earning a very modest salary he still supplied with an allowance, his car his paid for (I should maybe add here he lives in London, isn't a requirement for his job and uses it maybe once every 2/3 months if he is travelling out of the city). I know I sound spiteful and jealous- but I can't battle the feeling that i'm being treated unfairly.

The way I have been treated has impacted the rest of my life too. I completely underachieved at school because I was so tired all of the time, and because I was so afraid I excluded myself from a lot of things which lead to some pretty nasty bullying. The teachers were pretty supportive and a lot of the really nasty stuff was stubbed out- but nothing from my parents. At all. They were called in once, and they did come in, but all my Mum did was laugh about it on the way home.

Friends- one became a boyfriend but he also started taking advantage of me and when I stood up for myself he decided he didn't want to know taking the majority of our other friends with him which I guess speaks volumes about why the friendships existed in the first place. I'm utterly heartbroken as these are people who were supposedly supportive in whatever I did and people i've known a long time. I've got 2, maybe 3 people left in my life who haven't run away yet and I know they will do soon.

I suffer from depression and crippling anxiety. I have deliberated suicide in the past. I've had all sorts of counselling but i've found it incredibly difficult to open up to strangers about all my problems so i've either brushed the bad stuff under the carpet or i've run away.

And then there is work- I love my job and i'm also incredibly lucky that my boss is supportive and says she is a friend and is there for me. But my lack of confidence is stopping me believe her and is stopping me moving forwards. I keep thinking back that 18 months ago I wouldn't even be in this position but now i'm truly am stuck. I guess it's because i'm with someone who says they want to support me and be there for me- but I don't know if it's out of pity or genuine. I really don't.

My life is soul destroying. I really don't know what i'm supposed to do anymore or how much longer I can carry on. She has destroyed my life- I have no self confidence to go out and make friends, have another boyfriend and despite my want for children i'm terrified to have them in case I turn out the same.

[wannaBe]

op I do sympathise. I don't know the nature of your disabilities, but if you're getting £150 a week I'm guessing you're on higher rate care and mobility component which would imply your disabilities are such that going to work would be a challenge, not necessarily because of the nature of your disability but because of the reluctance of employers to employ people with disabilities.

Unfortunately what a PP said is incorrect and there are no longer quotas to ensure that people with disabilities are given a fair chance in the workplace.

It is hard, and you are going to have to be determined, but it is not insurmountable. Nobody has the right to tell you what you can and cannot claim, so you need to go to the job centre today and find out what your entitlements are. If one of your benefits is ESA though you may not be entitled to claim jobseekers without losing your ESA benefit, but you will be entitled to look for work iyswim and to then stop claiming ESA once you have a job.

Ask at your local job centre to make an appointment with the Disability Employment Adviser and start from there.

[sakura]

I think the nannying or aupairing is a wonderful idea. You need to start thinking along those lines.

[sakura]

Horrific.
My mother is similar. I had to live with her for 3 months early this year because I'd left my husband. I had two small children with me and in the first week she got drunk and started screaming at me to leave. I thought about going to a refuge but in the end I managed to stay and thankfully the local housing association found me a house quite quickly.

My mother is an out-and-proud woman-hater. One of my brothers suggested this, not me. He said he went on holiday with her and her partner's son's girlfriend. They were in a group. Apparently my mother made this poor girl's life a misery while they were on holiday.

The best word to describe what my mum did to me and what your mother is doing to you is torment. I really felt I was being taunted and tormented. She even accused me of being jealous of her because she had a "good relationship" with her partner... a few weeks after I'd just left my husband. Thanks mum And no, I'm not jealous that she rubs bums at night with some random old man that I consider to be a bit of a perv.

Anyway... less of me.

You NEED to get OUT. Anything would be fine. A house share. Is your name on the local council housing list yet? MY brother was living with my mother and the council housed him even though he has no children. You'd be able to claim housing benefit. Actually, have you thought about going to a refuge? You would get some peace from these ongoing onslaughts.

Good luck to you. One last piece of advice: you seem to be letting your father off the hook, somewhat. Well don't.

[ItsRainingInBaltimore]

You need to move out. You need to start taking control. You speak so passively as though everything is pre-ordained and a done deal - it really isn't.

Look for paid work. I know you love your volunteering, but that's all it is. You need a proper job.

I don't know what the nature of your disability is but something sounds a bit off here. If you get £150 per week presumably that's both components of the higher rate? So if you live rent free that's quite a bit of disposable income really, more than many working people have, and certainly much more than someone on basic jobseekers. Why are you having to ask your mother for ten pounds here or there?

If you are entitled to claim job seekers then claim it! You don't need your mother's permission or approval - stop acting as though you do. Also you say you have no confidence around looking for a job but many companies have to fulfill quotas for people with disability and mobility issues so certain vacancies are ring-fenced for that purpose and you may have more success than you think.

If your mother finds out about the JSA because she sees correspondence then just tell her straight that you made that decision as an adult and it's not her concern. Although be prepared for her to start taking some rent from you, which would be fair enough - so ultimately I don't think it's going to make much difference to your financial situation, but that's not really the issue here.

If she physically attacks you over it then call the police. In fact why are you tolerating being physically attacked at all? Call the police! This is happening because you are letting it. Just stop. What's the worst thing that can happen? She kicks you out? Good. Then you will be a priority for re-housing and the council will help you.

Go and talk to your GP. Be honest with him. Depending on the nature/severity of your disability you may find that he can help you access support to leave your parents house and start living independently. You don't deserve to live like this but nothing can or will change until you take the first step to make it happen.

[nousernamesleft]

Not sure if this has been mentioned, but, if you sign on (and you should), you can give them an alternative address to send correspondence to. Could you use your work address? That way you could start having some financial freedom, and it may switch on the light at the end of the tunnel.
I'd also advise speaking to woman's aid. They'll be able to give you advice and assistance.
Good luck

[MyNameIsInigoMontoya]

How are you doing sherbet?

[sherbetlemonD]

Thank you for the help everyone

[Adarajames]

You poor poor love, what utterly horrific people you have as family, I'm so angry on your behalf.
Id give women's aid a call, yes it's usually for women escaping violent partners, but domestic abuse can include abuse from others in the home, so I'd hope they'd be able to help you or point you to others that can. And yes, speak to your GP, be as honest as you can with them and they may have other ways to access help and support for you; and if you can, please do report the abuse and violence to the police. CAB is another good suggestion, to explore income options, and also applying for housing, and other support that's available. X

[MrsJackAubrey]

hello Sherbertlemon, your post is so sad I wanted to hug you. A long shot, but have you thought about going abroad and doing nannying or au pairing? anything to get out of that house. Your parents are appalling. If you keep doing what you've been doing, things will stay the same.

What would your parents' reaction be if you were to say you were moving out? Is there a chance that they'd support you in that?

Best of luck, you deserve something so much better. xx

[NiceAcorns]

This is one scheme (in Wiltshire) but I expect they are countrywide.

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/wiltshire/7758052.stm

[NiceAcorns]

I remember reading about a scheme whereby young people lived with an elderly person/couple as a kind of companion/helper in return for board & meals - is that something you would consider?

It could work to get you away from home & independent, but still with the support of not living alone

[MyNameIsInigoMontoya]

Talking to your GP sounds like a good suggestion, do explain everything to them and ask what support services there are that can help you, not just about the anxiety (though that, too).

Remember too that if you are being physically attacked - you CAN (and perhaps should) involve the police. Being your mother does NOT make it OK for anyone to hit or otherwise abuse you. So please do consider at least talking to them. But even if you don't want to, or can't bring yourself to talk to them or make charges - if you know and keep hold of the thought that this is WRONG and is something she could legitimately be arrested and charged for, that may give you strength in making your plans and resisting her pressure.

You can get out of this situation... it may not be easy, but please believe there is always a way.

[fruitandbarley]

If. Not I'd!

[fruitandbarley]

You are so much stronger than you think you are. Moving out and living away is, when you do it, no where near as scary as you think it is.
The only way to stop feeling like you are now, is to get away from the people that make you feel like this.
Posting on here is brave enough.
Start looking into how and where you can move to.
There is a way, there always is.
And if you need answers to questions, even I'd you think you should already know and think they are silly questions, they arnt, and somebody in here will always have an answer.
Nothing bad will happen if you leave, only good things.
You can start living your life free of feeling like this, and decide on your own terms how much contact you want.
Do not waste any more of your one life living like this.

[Iflyaway]

Run the fuck away from this horrendous situation.

Whatever you can do, really. Your life depends on it.

God. I am horrified by your post.

Wishing you all the best.

[RJnomore]

Darling you need to leave.

I lived in places where the bathroom door fell off in the middle of the night, and I didn't have the physical aspect, and it was still better than home.

[SquidgyMaltLoaf]

I couldn't read and run - this is one of the saddest posts I've ever read. OP, you have to get out of there. You sound like a lovely person who has been dealt an undeservedly harsh hand. You are articulate and intelligent and need to give yourself the chance to have a proper life. You are strong enough, if you're still here through all that.

[puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE]

So sorry you're going though this. I can sympathise, as my mother is very similar to what you have described, however she treats all her children with the same contempt. I can say hand on heart I'd rather live on the streets than with her, and if she were to die, it really wouldn't bother me. I know this sounds awful, but I just have no feelings towards her anymore.

Honestly, your best choice would be to move out and cut all contact with them. I know it easier said than done, but it is worth it in the long run.

[Cabrinha]

You poor thing

I would suggest talking to your GP - not just about the anxiety but ALL the reasons behind it.
They may be able to tell you about the best local services to support you.

I appreciate you have a chicken and egg situation of needing to be out of there to build your confidence, but also needing the confidence to get out!

Can you start to work out a plan of how you can do that? Not actually do it if you're not ready, don't put that pressure on yourself. But work out how. Find out the cheapest room in a shared house, and the deposit you'd need. Could your mother's sister provide the deposit? Or grandparents? Or even your spineless father, behind your mother's back, guilt money for doing nothing?

Can you look into signing on, even if you don't start it? It's not their choice, how would they know?

Frankly, I know it's easy for me to say, but I'd like to hear you'd called the police on the bitch next time she laid a finger on you. Wish I could scoop you up and give you a hug, love.

Also - are you managing the debt problem alone? You've very little income with your DLA only. Talk to one of the free debt charities (like Stepchange or CAP) for support to arrange fair MINIMAL payments with frozen interest if possible.

The fact you get £150 DLA but have mentioned asking your mother for £10 for the cinema suggests to me that she's taking your money - is that the case?

Please get real life support from organisations like Shelter and Woman's Aid. And call the Samaritans in a crisis moment. There is a much happy life ahead of you, there really is.

[sherbetlemonD]

Thank you everyone. Don't really have anyone I could stay with and if I leave it needs to be for good. I couldn't risk coming back

I guess I need to try and be brave but I don't know if I can

[GoatsDoRoam]

I bet you are an a real asset to your volunteer organisation: your posts show that you are very insightful, and you express yourself very clearly. You've already understood exactly what the issues are here - that's huge! You've even pinpointed your anxiety and low self-esteem, and fear of being alone, as the underlying issues stopping your next move.

Also, well done on standing up to that ex-boyfriend. You got out of that very quickly, for someone who doesn't have supportive family and is held back by feelings of low self-worth. That tells me that you are a good champion for yourself. You do have it in you to take that next step towards independence, when you're ready.

Have you posted before? The bit about your volunteer position and your boss being a friend sounded familiar.

Much as she is a friend and you love that post, I agree with PP that paid employment is your ticket to freedom, and would be a very good priority. Yes, living alone is scary, especially if you're not used to it, and are prone to depression. But IME, there is even greater loneliness in having companions, but being badly treated by them. And, again IME, proving to yourself that you can make it on your own is a great way to lift your mood, and your self-esteem.

Courage. I think you're completely capable of carving out a new life for yourself.

[ImpatientGriselda2]

Sorry for yet another post already - was a bit forgetful when writing the first one.

In case you hadn't looked into it, it's possible that voluntary work, or above a certain number of hours of voluntary work, might make things more difficult with benefits (JSA or ESA).
It's an unfair rule in many cases, and clearly the voluntAry work you do and the company you get there is beneficial for your mental health and social support. But it might be okay to keep doing it as long as you are available at short notice to attend interviews and take up paid work.
Do make sure you get professional advice about this side of things. (eg CAB, because the Jobcetre aren't always up to speed).
The voluntary work is also why I suggested trying to stay with people you know, so you're not quite so dependent on benefits whilst you adjust and get your bearings.
I'm sure i'm not the only person reading who thinks that if someone they knew (an old schoolfriend or similar) was in your situation, they'd want to help them.


With a situation like yours where almost everything is a problem, it's a case of starting somewhere, finding a place to start unpicking the knot. Here, money and rehousing away from your parents looks like the most productive place. That can put you in a better environment to start working out other things - re-training (Access courses?), therapy, better work, better social life.

[JulyKit]

You know that you lack confidence, so can you start to build on that, first of all.

Maybe join some kind of activity group to try and facilitate more social contact that's not too demanding.

Also, talk to your GP, see if there's a therapy group you can join.

And if possible, read up on ways to develop your confidence and sense of identity through e.g. CBT and mindfulness techniques.

You need to get to a stage where you're no longer afraid of fear itself, afraid of small failures that might not happen, so that you can at least start to take practical steps towards developing independence from your parents.

You sound as if you have a lot of personal experiences that other people are able to relate to.

Your posts are very articulate.

Are there skills that you would like to develop on a course or training of some sort?

[ImpatientGriselda2]

Just saw your last post. Do you have any contact details for your mum's sister? It can be very helpful to have someone understand first hand that a family member is abusive and difficult. Perhaps you could live near your aunt? Maybe it depends what sort of problems she has but if it's health issues, perhaps you could support each other for a while?

[ImpatientGriselda2]

What a horrible situation.

The ideal thing would be to get a job in order to pay for accommodation (like a cheap room as a lodger). But if you're suffering from severe anxiety - exacerbated by being in the company, daily, of an abusive parent - that may not be as easy as it sounds. It would be a brave and worthwhile thing to try... However:

Do you know anyone who might be able to put you up for a few weeks so you can get out sooner and perhaps begin to unwind just a little from all the stress and start getting on your feet? (though I appreciate getting over an experience like this usually involves years or a lifetime)
You mention grandparents who've given you money. Are they still around, or was that a legacy?
Have you opened up to your voluntary work boss and colleagues abotu the situation at home?

Get some advice on housing options from Shelter or CAB. They should also be able to work out what benefits you are entitled tAnd advise if the council in your area might accept you as homeless for fleeing abuse, perhaps even phone them up on your behalf to check. Homeless hostels and B&Bs aren't exactly lovely, but they might be better than this. Women's Aid is usually for women leaving relationships with male partners, but perhaps give them a call and see if they know someone who could help you?

I agree with the others that you could do with long-term therapy, but you really need to get out first.