My marriage was over and then my husband died

[Beachday]

Had a terrible time over the last couple of years
He lied, cheated, EA.
We had been separated for over a year, but he was still in the house, begging me to take him back.

Then he died tragically, suddenly.

And I have a million emotions

I'm now finding out that the lies, deceit and debts are so much worse

I love him, miss him, hate him.

He was not a good husband, I now don't believe he was ever faithful. Not a good father, by his own admittance, he had zero patience. He was never actually here, did nothing with ds, always out with clients, or others as I've now discovered.
I've done it all for years, well always really.
But the outside world didn't really see that.
The people closest to me know.
But he had so many friends who are devastated.
And then it's just so bloody sad that someone so loved died so young.

And also keeping his memory alive for ds. And helping him through this.

And now my family seem to think i can't do anything alone or I need to move 300 miles home.
My sister seems to have moved in, and I don't want to have to talk even. Let alone deal with cooking for her, or even her food in the fridge.
My house is messier than I would like, I'm trying to organise dh's stuff and paperwork and I can't even find a home for my clothes.

I just want to be left alone to get on with things
No- one is helping
Just adding to the nightmare that I seem to be in

Added to all that, I have peri menopause symptoms and just want to scream most of the time.

Outwardly I'm dealing with this fine, but I just want to scream

[springydaffs]

Ime there weren't many people I could be completely honest with. As I said, people are generally crap with death/bereavement and can be a bit hushed and awed - when all you want is for people to be normal. I remember saying to my boy's teacher some scathing comment about 'trust ex to die so dramatically' but, thankfully, he took it in good spirit. Perhaps he was bereaved too and could understand the sometimes wild emotions that crash about, though ime he is in the minority.

What I felt strongly was that he had put us through so much when he was alive, and now we were going through another fresh hell. I was very resentful about that. I couldn't believe he could put us through yet more trouble, even from beyond the bloody grave.

Thankfully, the women in my DV support group not only understood entirely my mix of emotions - particularly the unpalatable thoughts and emotions - but many struggled to hide their envy. See? You just can't let your average public know that stuff, they just wouldn't be able to take it.

Hope you're 'OK' today ie you won't be OK but I hope you're OK enough xx

[Beachday]

Today might have been the worst day ever
Ds had a fight in school
Then with me
I've calmed down a bit now
But I cried for an hour
Then I was so angry- most angry ever

[MatildaTheCat]

Rightly so. Of course you are fucking angry. He's messed up your ds and that would make you the angriest person ever.

Be gently with both you and ds. Cuddle together and reconnect if you can and have some time off from trying to deal with this mess.

Sending you and . Sometimes (not often but right now) I do believe there should be an emoticon for a hug because you need one just now.

[tribpot]

I'm sure the school understand what a child goes through when a parent dies, particularly unexpectedly. This behaviour is awful but to be expected. But it is why you need your home, your sanctuary, back just for you and ds. It would be far better you ask your sister to go when you're calm than have it spill out when you're angry.

[friendofsadgirl]

Sending you a big unmumsnetty hug {{{}}}

[Beachday]

Well it was outside school time. They've been great.
Yesterday his teacher said he'd been a bit teary
Now today he was angry.
It's all the same type of thing tho, he's getting upset at other kids not playing what he wants, and in his eyes being mean to him.
And today he got accused of hitting someone with a ball, which he swore wasn't him, and it blew up from there.
Oh dear, it's not easy

Anyway my sister came in, saw how upset I was and has taken him off to the park
And is making dinner

[springydaffs]

My kids kicked off big time when their dad died. Your boy could do with some professional support, too. Winston's Wish? There's a lot of support out there for bereaved kids just don't go to camhs

Sorry to hear it was a challenging day xx

WHen is the funeral? As I said above, the rituals really do help and the funeral is a marker of sorts; though you have to expect things to be choppy for quite a while, sadly.

[Beachday]

He died a couple of months ago, so funerals- one abroad- have been and gone.
At least I can look back on those first couple of weeks, they were just a blur, complete fog .
I didn't think so at the time, but looking back I'm not sure how we functioned

[dratsea]

[mummytime]

Got to your GP and get referred for counselling. Also try to get counselling support for your son.
Talk to the school and ask for support. Talk to the SENCO and see what they can do to support him, if he's young, is play therapy a possibility? Is there a home school link worker? Does the school have access to counsellors.

Talk to your sister, tell her that you are felling she is one extra pressure. Tell her what she can do to help (cooking, cleaning, dealing with your son etc.) also tell her what you do not want her to do (go through your husbands papers or whatever).

Make sure you keep eating and looking after yourself. You don't even need any menopause symptoms to be feeling pretty awful physically and emotionally right now. That is normal!

[Beachday]

Feeling a lot better today
My sister has been a huge help with some big practical things, taking 2 car loads to the charity shop and helping clean and tidy the garden and put together new garden furniture.
Ds and I had a great day today, real laughing.

I found some personal stuff of H's that was very eye opening.
Which has convinced me that he was very unstable and we are both better off without him.
I am convinced he was actually a psychopath, if not, sociopathic.

[springydaffs]

Snap! So many similarities...

But I still grieved. Bloody confusing, frankly. I did swing about - still do, really, though much less now a decade later. My overwhelming feeling these days is annoyance that he has caused SO MUCH aggro both alive and dead. But I still feel sad. And relieved. Gah!

Glad to hear you had a good day with ds . may there be many more

[friendofsadgirl]

I'm glad your sister is helping. Give her more practical stuff to do!
Hope the good days soon outnumber the bad.

[juneau]

Really glad to hear that you're feeling more positive and that together with your sister getting a handle on the practical stuff. Decluttering is actually great for mental health IMO - the weight of all the stuff gone from your home can feel like a mental weight is lifted.

I'm sorry you're still making discoveries about your ex. He sounds like a piece of work. This is the beginning of a brand new chapter for you and once you've got through all this practical stuff I hope you'll feel more positive and optimistic about the future. Your DS sounds like he's confused and grieving, from his slightly erratic behaviour, all of which is entirely to be expected. Things will be two steps forward, one step back for a while, I'm guessing, but you have a good head on your shoulders and you have support so there is every chance that you and he will be just fine in the long run

[Gfplux]

Beachday,
If you think he was a psychopath, have you discovered he was possibly involved in any unpleasant activity?

[Beachday]

Oh no, nothing illegal
I had him pegged as a sociopath a while ago. After trying to understand him for 5 years, more probably.

Since his death, my suspicions about his infidelity have been confirmed.
Chat /dating websites
Porn addiction, whores.
Numerous lies about where he was, which meant he missed out on time with ds.
And all the financial stuff, previously been bankrupt. Loads of debts from years ago, before I met him
Massive recent over spending.
But I found some diaries, one detailing a break up with an old girlfriend. He harassed her so much that she took out a restraining order.
He actually sounds unhinged.
This was just before I met him.

[mix56]

Lucky escape I'd say ....