Need a bit of advice/ perspective

[IComeUndone]

Long story hopefully short.
Been with dh for 6 years married for 1, we have 2 young dc.
He walked out yesterday and hasn't come back and isn't answering phonecalls or messages. We have been arguing recently as a certain situation late last year ended in me losing quite a bit of respect for fil.
I am always civil, friendly, chatty when with dps family but often need to vent about comments made towards me when we leave. Maybe I shouldn't vent to dp but I have done and he has said he has had enough and that I need to except his family (which I do) and left leaving me with dc's and not knowing where he is
I feel they're are other underlying issues and he has used this fall out as an excuse to leave. Dh's tolerance of dc's has gone down considerably, when it is just me and dh together he seems fine and relaxed but as soon as the dc's are around he seems on edge and gets quite snappy (at the dc's, not me).
When he is being overly snappy with the dc's I do pick him up on it which usually results in an arguement which as I have started it, although I feel it is necessary, I end up being the bad guy, the unreasonable, moody one.
I fully accept that my husband is not completely to blame for all the arguments and that we both make comments etc sometimes that winds the other one up, but we both have our good points, just at the moment dh's good side seems to be getting clouded by how he treats the dcs.
Now I have typed this out I'm not really sure what I am asking. I suppose some advice on how I should approach dh with my concerns without making him feel victimised in a way. He honestly doesn't take critism well at all and will jump quite badly on the defensive at any sign of me pointing out that his behaviour/attitude is affecting me or the dc.
Not sure how much info to put without outing myself but I will try and answer and questions as best I can and I am ready to accept any points of view. I just need to save my marriage, my husband is my best friend, I really want to make this work.

[daisychain01]

Your last comment could be the opener to an honest conversation with your DH. If there if an underlying foundation of love in your marriage, and he is your best friend, hopefully he feels the same, you stand a chance of talking through the issues such as your FIL, your DHs relationship with your DC (sounds like they are his DSC?) and any sticking points in the arguments you are having.

The thing that struck me was the likihood that he has divided loyalties and feels "to blame" if you are giving him a hard time ( for want of a better expression!) about his DFs behaviour.

If you can make the first constructive move to reopen communications and see if he is willing to rebuild things with you.

[daisychain01]

One area to focus on IMO is agreeing how to parent your DCs either jointly or if they are yours not his then the main responsibility rests with you? Work though what is going wrong and how you can fix thing 'practically.'

[CharlotteCollins]

Is he under particular stress at the moment?

Either way, disappearing off the radar is very unkind. To put it mildly.

You have to have a voice in the relationship or it isn't a relationship. If it's never the right time for you to raise concerns, then no matter how hard you work for the marriage, he's not matching your effort.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Has he returned yet?.

Such actions like his walking out on your all cannot be readily undone.

What happened last year with FIL; its all very well and good for your DH telling you that you should respect his family but respect works two ways. Is he really very much like his parents, in particular his dad?. What comments have they made towards you?.

I would be very worried about his behaviour towards the children; do you at heart think he is somewhat put out that he is no longer first and foremost, the king of his castle?. I feel that you blame yourself for many of the arguments that he infact engineers; he seems adept at making you feel very responsible for him without him taking any responsibility for his actions and own self here. This is actually and precisely how emotional abusers operate; they tie you up in knots, have you questioning your own sound judgment and have you also fretting about them.

I also doubt that he is infact your best friend, I think you need to reassess that opinion of him given his walking out on his family.
Do not fall into the "sunken costs" fallacy or trap re this wanting to make it work.

You may well want to save your marriage here but does he really want to put the work in to save this?. I do not think so, I think he will simply carry on blaming you instead for the problems that he has himself caused to arise by his innate selfish behaviours. You cannot save this on your own.

[Jackw]

The walking out and going non contactable is actually really nasty. It's almost like a threat - do what I say or I'll walk out on you all. It could be seen as a way to keep you under control. A kinder interpretation is that he isn't coping and needs some space to think but I can't imagine that you would just walk out on the children if you felt the same way.

The result of him walking out is that you are now thinking about what you need to do to rescue the marriage but this needs to be a joint enterprise. When he comes back you do need to listen to what he has to say for himself. Really listen without interrupting. But you also need to say what you need. You need to address the issue with his parents for example visiting them less often, him protecting you from any unpleasantness. You need to agree how to improve his relationship with his children. You need to know that in future he will communicate with you properly and not just walk out on you and the children. Maybe spend the time now writing some of this down so you can discuss it clearly and calmly. Maybe investigate Relate or similar.

Good luck.

[IComeUndone]

Thank for everyone that has commented I've got some good advice and I've taken on board what you have said about how he is maybe feeling.
The dc's are both of ours and we do struggle to parent them together. I personally feel he is too harsh/strict with them as they are only 4 and 2. I have tried to voice my concerns regarding this in a calm civil manner but it either seems to fall on deaf or ends up in him losing his temper and shouting
The issue regarding fil was to do with when dh went there last year and ended up getting into a fight with a family member and getting knocked unconscious and ending up in hospital (dh has underlying issues that this kind of trauma could become serious) fil made a joke our of the situation when telling me and then to make matters worse had completely forgotten about dh's illness and was going to let him drive himself the 3 hour drive home the next morning. Around 4 hours after the incident.
This has resulted in me losing quite a bit of respect for fil, a person that previously really looked upto and got on with.
Dh is on his way home now, he finally replied to a message at around midday informing that he had gone out on the piss with a mate and didn't actually stay at his mum's as I thought he was. I don't have a problem with the fact that he was with a mate it just would have been nice to know where he was.

[IComeUndone]

Just realised....I'm sorry for the lack of commas (on my phone) trying to type quickly so I can hopefully get some more advice before he gets home.

[IComeUndone]

Feel like I'm drip feeding sorry. They're also other issues with fil regarding how I parent/feed our children which makes it difficult to visit.

[CharlotteCollins]

Goodness, what a messed-up family he comes from. I wouldn't be surprised if he had no idea how to do family in a healthy way.

Does he feel that what he says is more important, like in matters about the children or anything else? Do you feel like you are in a partnership?

[pocketsaviour]

ends up in him losing his temper and shouting

At the children?

His family sound yuck and my instinct would be to keep my kids away from them.

[IComeUndone]

Sorry it has taken me so long to reply.
He shouts and loses his temper which is directed at me not the children although as I have said he can be very snappy/short with the children. Again I am not completely innocent I do also shout but there seems to be more anger when he is shouting, gritting teeth, fist clenching, very tense body language etc.
I'm not sure how to answer the question about whether he feels he is more important than me. He struggles to except my opinions on some subjects and struggles to except our differences (things we do in different ways. Food shopping etc) I don't know if that is because he feels his opinions are more important or just that he sees things so differently that my opinions are hard to except.
Staying away from his family isn't really an option, the children dote on them and really enjoy visiting. It would be a unfair on them to stop them going. I might try and let Dh take the children and me stay at home but I don't want to come across unsociable and childish by not visiting. I feel a bit stuck at the moment. Dh and I seem to be ignoring the situation but I know we have to talk things through, I just don't have the energy for another row just yet .

[pocketsaviour]

It doesn't sound like a happy or healthy environment for any of you.

Has it always been like this or has it just happened since the blow up with in-laws?

Not keen on the whole thing of he thinks there's only one way to do the shopping/whatever - his way. Relationships are about compromise, not him saying "this is how it's going to be" and you going along with it. Have you noticed his dad behave like that?

[IComeUndone]

Honestly I think it has always been this way, but over the past probably a year I have gained the confidence to to not put up with it and stand my ground. I have recently started properly battling long term quite severe depression, me facing up to that has bought back a lot of my self confidence.
I don't see these traits in his dad as such, although I have noticed that what his dad says goes iyswim. Dh is an only child and I quite often think that is a reason for how he is. He finds it difficult to share, physical objects and his own thoughts. He 'blows up' quite often out of frustration from keeping feelings bottled up.
We have tried couples councilling in the past and although it worked for a short while I feel the councilling got turned around, by dh and the councillor, to therapy for some things that happened when I was a child. This was something I felt was not needed and I certainly didn't want so we stopped going.
It isn't always like this, we have some amazing times, together and with dc's, we have a shared interests and get on really well most of the time. You are right though, written down it really doesn't sound like a happy environment but like I said I want to make our marriage work. A pp asked if he feels like I am his best friend like I do him and I honestly think he does, I really think he has some issues that need addressing, and when he hopefully sees that and does something about them we will all be a lot happier.

[pocketsaviour]

The face he was willing to go to counselling before is hopeful. It sounds like he does acknowledge that you aren't communicating well?

Would you consider going to counselling again (perhaps with different counsellor) but with the agreement to keep the focus on the way you interact as a couple and as parents?

[CharlotteCollins]

I think the opposite, actually - what you said about the couple's counselling really rang alarm bells.

It sounds like he did the classic abuser's approach to couple's counselling: turn the spotlight on his partner and get the counsellor to collude in this, thus helpfully side-stepping any need to examine his own responsibilities within the relationship.

I'm not saying he is abusive, but how can you work at your marriage together if he won't do his part?