My husband is leaving me

[sadsack12]

Hi, sort of new to mumsnet (like a snoop on AIBU but never posted before) but really looking for some perspective.

My husband told me yesterday (via email) that he doesn't want to be with me any more.

A bit of background - we have been together 7 years, married 2. It is our anniversary tomorrow in fact. He got a big promotion at work at the start of the year and has been having to work up north, 200 miles away. He gets home every other weekend. It is a sort of long term temporary thing but certainly with a view to coming home. He's had to get a room in a flat share up there to stay in during the week. I had thought about joining him up there but we bought a house here 18 months ago, plus my career, family and friends are all here, and given that it was temporary it seemed silly to up sticks.

Things had been fine, I thought. We have no kids yet, but I'd been making sure I had lots to keep myself busy with while he was away. Since he left last weekend he changed. We've had minimal phone calls, him always saying he had a rubbish day at work and had no chat. No little "I love you" texts or anything which is unlike him. On Saturday I sent him a wee email with a update on my week, just silly things that weren't really worth writing down but the kind of thing you'd mention to your partner if you saw them in the evening. He didn't reply. On Sunday I text and asked him what on earth was wrong with him/me. He said he was replying to my email. I received it an hour later.

He says he has thought long and hard about it but knows/thinks it is right for him. But still says he loves me?

My parents came over immediately and were absolutely amazing mopping up my sorry face and cooking me dinner! When they left my best friend (who also works with me) came and let me cry on her for a bit. Had a wobbly sort of day at work today but ended up with amazing support from my friend and my boss.

I have no idea whether the right thing is to try and fight for our relationship. I still love him 100% but would hate to try and bully him into staying and then never knowing if he really meant it. I think he is giving up far too easily and that we should at least attempt to make it work. He has never had a positive marriage in his life (MIL is on 3rd husband and his Gran is on 5th!!) and he has no father figure on the scene.

Ohhhh it is so difficult. Just looking for some advice

[Dontletitbeyou]

You sound very strong and have resisted doing the pick me dance , which is so easy to fall into . I’m glad you have support IRL.
Despite everything , he should have told you face to face , no matter how difficult you may have made it . This is not a thing you can do by email , it just shows he’s a coward and emotionally immature . You are much better off without such a person in your life .
You’re 27, a whole life in front of you to get out there and meet someone who truly deserves you . Good luck

[JustKittenAround]

You will get through this. Things where he has been severely lacking will come to light. You will soon see you are so much better off with a man who would know something for a year and not even try to work on it.

[Elmer83]

Doh!!!!

[AgentJohnson]

Zombie

[anonnnnni]

All, this is a post from 2015!

[Elmer83]

100% with other posters. I’m sorry to say this is all screaming another woman. Just because he called someone he knew in the past a wanker for having affair doesn’t mean he’s not capable of own. What was he going to say “Oh fair play to him” Any person would say it was as wrong and that’s all he did.
Sorry if sounds harsh but you need to wise up to the fact it’s a big possibility and prepare yourself. The distance means it can be kept under wraps for the time being until your break up happens. Please hold you head up high. You’ve done nothing wrong. Big hugs xxx

[watermelon33]

@sadsack12

How are you doing can I ask?

[pinkfrocks]

I think you ought to take legal advice before you sign anything and get rid of any assets. Although the starting point is 50-50 split of assets, there may be a reason why it would be 60-40 or he may pay you maintenance for a while if he is a high earner in comparison- or you offset that with a higher lump sum of the total.
Don't just accept his demands for a 50-50 split or assume that is what will happen.

There are plenty of lawyers who will offer you a free 30 minutes appt- so maybe book an appt with one locally who deals with family and divorce law?

[sadsack12]

Thanks guys, I'm trying to be together. Although each time I have to say the words out loud to a new person I'm a bit of a mess. It is the thought of the whole facebook world knowing. My SIL posted on my wall this morning wishing me happy anniversary, had to ask her to take it down

I think we'd be best to sell the house. It is a family house in a family area (to build a family in!) and not really where I would want to be as a single lady. Luckily my parents have a flat in town that I may be able to move into once the tenants move out in July, although I'd need to find myself at least one flatmate as it is a 3 bed and I couldn't afford it by myself. It would be a lot easier to find a flatmate there than it would be in the house. I'd guess there might be maybe £10k equity in it. It was a bit of a hole when we moved in, we've done the bedrooms and living room nicely but still have a horrible bathroom and kitchen so not sure how well it would sell. Although another plus point, I work in an estate agency so hopefully could sell through work for minimal fees.

Just trying to stay as positive as I can.

[CheeseandPickledOnion]

Sorry you are going through this. I got divorced after 6 years of marriage at 39. And believe me I'm actually 10 times happier now, and I didn't think I would be at the time.

Stay strong and take all the support you can.

[StaceyAndTracey]

You sound very stong and together, well done .

Remeber he's just about to do the " rewriting history " stage . He's been unhappy for a year or more, it's because you wouldn't move to be with him , it's because you were reluctant to have kids / pushing too hard to have kids , because you are too close to your family

Etc etc etc

Do you have to sell your house ? Do you have a lot of equity in it ? Could you get in a lodger to help pay the mortgage and do it up ? Or woudl you rather have a fresh start ?

[DiDiddlyIDi]

You have some very good responses to this and I agree that you should hold your head high and let home go. A friend of mine was back 2 weeks from her honeymoon and found her husband in bed with another woman, 2.5 years later she has met someone got married and in the early stages of pregnancy. You won't believe it for a minute but you will be absolutely fine, take baby steps !

[TokenGinger]

You are so strong! I'm so impressed by "how together" you seem. That's obviously contributed to by the fantastic support you have around you.

In a way, it's a bit of a relief that he isn't giving you false hope, and you have the strength enough not to beg him to stay.

It doesn't take away how shit this all is though

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Telling you by email, the least he could do was tell you face to face.

I am usually a bit wary of the notion of 'fighting for' a relationship. When you marry someone the idea is you have made your choice of partner; not a handy stopgap while scanning the horizon for someone better. I don't think he particularly wants you to fight for him anyway. It is a big ask when you don't know whom or what exactly you are fighting. against.

[pinkfrocks]

I'm so sorry. But you are still very young. My DCs are your age and older- and none of their friends ( with the odd exception) is married yet- they are all having a great time being single and getting their careers on the go.

I know this is a horrible shock but better now than in 10 years' time when you had children.

There are loads of men out there and in time you will find someone else. Good luck!

[sadsack12]

Thanks ladies. You were right. He was already gone.

He came home and I asked him if it was worth me trying to convince him to stay and he said no. So I didn't. I didn't want to beg him if it was going to only hurt me (and him, although not so concerned about his feelings right now) more. I was pretty cool until we went to bed, think it hit me more then. He slept in the same bed which was nice to have a comfort but horrible to think it was the last time. I could tell he didn't want to be there and was only doing it for me.

He says he'll continue to contribute house bills until the house is sold, or whatever we end up doing with it. God know who would want to buy it in it's half arsed state.

I have such amazing support behind me, I know it is the most horrible, shittiest thing that has happened to me, but at the same time know that I will be able to get through it. Maybe being able to say that after 2 days means it never was meant to be?

[handfulofcottonbuds]

My STBXH said it made him feel sick at the thought of people having affairs. He had such strong views on it.

He's now living with OW and I'm divorcing him for adultery.

I'm not saying this is the same in your case but don't even justify that he wouldn't have an affair because of his views. Also, it doesn't matter whether he works in a retirement village or not, there is always opportunity, it's just whether people act on it.

I do think regardless of whether there is OW, he has checked out of the marriage and will be 10 steps ahead of you.

Use this time to photocopy and important documents he may have at home, pensions etc and seek legal advice, most give a free 30 minute consultation.

I'm sorry

[WildBillfemale]

I think sometimes someone who has been thinking of leaving for a while finds a way to put geographical space between them first before announcing their decision. I've seen this so many times irl and it pops up frequently on mumsnet. Just be thankful you don't have children together.

[britneyspearscatsuit]

Th trick of saying they have felt like this for a year is called "rewriting history". They do it to make up reasons to justify the fact they are being a dick. It's a way of claiming they have "tried" hen they blatantly havent

[Flangeshrub]

My ex mocked a colleague of mine who was having an affair and had DC the same ages as us. Said he was a nasty twat. My DH was shagging someone else at the same time. Means nothing.

[Cherryapple1]

Mine did the same. Hated dishonesty and affairs. His was ok though apparently..................

[springalong]

my ex also used to mock other men having affairs until he had his own. I would just run.

[skyeskyeskye]

Sorry to read this. Good luck with talking to him but try and stay calm. Don't beg him to stay or try. If he doesn't want to then you will just end up hurting yourself even more.

Keep an open mind on there being OW. My XH also detested cheats. Didn't stop him falling for OW in a matter of weeks. The same thing happened to a friend of mine.

There may not be OW, only time will tell.

Just look after yourself and don't take any crap from him.

And don't write your self off at 27! You have got years ahead of you to meet somebody to share your life with.

[JuiceInAWineGlass14]

Was there anything in the relationship wrong from your point of view?

[eeniemeeniemineymo]

Sorry, I am very tired. That should be a full stop, not a question mark.