About a year ago I heard about a campaign on twitter where women were holding up signs saying why they didn't leave their abusive partner. It was things like 'because he'd track me down and kill me', 'because I had no where to go' and 'because he slept in front of the door so I couldn't get out'.
The point of the campaign was to stop making the abuse the women's fault for putting up with it. The point is less, why don't women leave, more why won't abusive men let women leave. Or even, why don't men stop abusing women?
Reading that campaign made me feel so much better about myself. I've been on mumsnet loads, and every little thing I write hoards of people are telling me to leave that night.
I have left 3 times and been homeless twice, once with a 9month old baby, and once when pregnant with a little toddler. It was so unbelievably awful, that it was a welcome relief to get back into my own house.
My husband is still horrific, and I demand a divorce every night, but no way is he letting me go. I see the disgust on my friends faces when I tell them what he's like. But their disgust is for me not leaving. These are friends who saw when I was homeless before - where am I supposed to go when I've got a job to hold down and 2 toddlers to support?
This threat is less about what do I do, I'm now finally getting support through women's aid. But it's about people on hearing of the problem saying 'just leave'. It's not helpful, as it makes the woman feel wretched when she can't leave, as she thinks its her own fault.
Instead ask 'how can you arrange to get away from him?' It's a small difference, but it helps her work through exploring her options.
Is anyone with me here?
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Can we have some support on 'why women don't leave?'
Darcey2105 · 23/01/2015 15:33
Thatsnotmynamereally, I shall drink a toast to never having to butter his bloody toast again 
It's the perfect explanation. I would say, "he hasn't paid the electricity bill when he said he would."
And people would say, "so why didn't you pay it?"
And I'd say, "because he told me he had, and then when we got a reminder, he said he had then too."
Then I'd get, "well you know what he's like, you should have called every utility and checked it was paid."
And I'd say, "but I'm so anxious now [carefully leaving out all the other things he was doing to me] that I find it hard to pick up the phone. And the utilities would think I was stupid not asking my husband."
And they would say, "Don't be stupid, just pick up a phone. You should always do everything. You know how useless he is."
And I would stop complaining about the bailiffs banging on my door about bills I though were paid, or loans that were taken out that I never knew about. I shut up because it was my fault for being stupid, and the stupider I was, the more anxious I got, and the smaller my cage became.
Bloody toast!
Aw shucks 
I owe a bunch of strangers an awful lot. You all helped give me my life back.
It took me 5 years to LTB. In real life I couldn't tell anyone how bad it got. In fact I didn't even tell MN everything.
People saying LTB gave me the permission I needed to go. But I didn't succeed until I had built up my self esteem a tiny bit, and had some friends I could rely on.
MN was very patient with me. They said leave. They said he won't change. But I always felt supported and as though all the blame lay with him.
I do now say LTB where I feel it's right. But I'm fully aware that it takes time and any pressure can make it all worse.
I agree that asking, "why don't you leave?" Is not the right question. 
for you op. This is a great message to share.
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