Why does everyone think I should be over him? and are they right?

[stickydate65]

Haven't posted for a while but tonight I am so fed up. Quick background H left in Sept after 24 years marriage for OW, didn't have a clue until it was too late there was a problem and I am truly heartbroken to have lost my soul mate, but 3 months on I feel like I am getting on everyone's nerves and they are fed up with my tears and heartache. It feels like people think I should be moving on and the reality is I am hurting as much as the day he went. I am afraid to ring people or meet friends now and friends/family who I thought were so mad at H and offering me support now seem to be being won over by him and I feel they are taking his side or at least mellowing towards him even though he is still being an arse towards me. Am I really being over dramatic and 'needy'. I don't want to be upset all the time but I am stuck in this nightmare and I don't know how to stop crying. I am trying to get out and meet friends but I think they are fed up with me going on about him. Every time I go out or speak to someone on the phone I resolve to avoid talking about him but it doesn't work and I don't now how to look to the future, because it feels like I don't have a future without him (God that sounds pathetic!) Is it normal to still be so heartbroken? Will I ever get over this?

[stickydate65]

Wise words jessmay I hope in the future, the grieving will stop!

I think there's a whole attitude amongst some of my friends that it was 'new year, new start' like the fact it was only 4 months ago was irrelevant and that I should be 'grasping' the opportunity of it being New Year to pick myself up and be over it!

A lovely friend who was a great support in the first few terrible weeks came round yesterday and apologised for not managing to be in touch much over Christmas/New Year and was lovely and supportive, so I guess maybe it was just be me being over sensitive and feeling rejected by my friends ( rejection is a terrible feeling!) when in actual fact they are all just busy with their own lives...

And of course his family (all be it a very small family) were going to make contact and build bridges over Christmas, it's what decent people do!

[jessmay]

I also thought it would have been better if my exH had died btw. smile If he'd been involuntarily dead his absence would have been easier to deal with than knowing he was alive and well but choosing to be elsewhere... I understand that one perfectly.

I could not agree more with this statement. They say of all the ways to lose someone death is the kindest. In many senses I believe that is true initially but in the long term I hope that while we carry grief forever for someone who died and was taken from us, the hideous pain of someone who pissed off voluntarily is translated into the simple truth which is......why the heck would I waste all this time being upset about someone who left me?

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

I wish I could hug you and bring you tissues, glasses of wine and a neverendingly absorbent shoulder! Of COURSE you're still lost and heartbroken. What a hideous, awful, tragic experience you're going through.

I went through ALL THESE FEELINGS when my first husband left. I wanted his family to stay furious with him forever (they didn't), and I felt betrayed by even his own MUM when she still let him go round there for lunch!

I felt like all my friends were sick of my moaning/crying, and ended up telling complete strangers my life story on a couple of occasions.

The thing with situations like these is, they never actually "finish". Every day brings a new emotion, new situation, new change... It's not like you can draw a line in the sand and then start getting over it. (Like you could with a death.) "It" moves with you, it's ahead of you, all around you and behind you too. He's still alive, still seeing your children, still everywhere.

Please be gentle on yourself. Counselling will be good even if just yo give you a person on whom you can offload without guilt, because you'll be paying them.

I'm really sorry this is happening to you. There is hope and light waiting for you, but I know you can't possibly see that yet. Now is the time to dry, and rage and wail. Let it ALL out. One day you will cry your last tear over this. It might take 100,000 tears but you will eventually hit the last one. Get started! I used to go up to bed early, stuff a pillow in my mouth and just HOWL.

[jessmay]

Echo what everyone else says here that 4 months is absolutely nothing. the funny thing about divorces or painful split like this is that people DO expect you to be over it or getting on better than you are, and is causes you to isolate yourself because you feel like a burden.

I'd also echo what everyone else has said that the pain gets less and less over time (but much more than 4 months!!!) and the general rule I have heard so many times over and over is that after a "shock" or unwanted divorce people tend to say 8 - 12 months to feel human and then 2 years on average to begin to feel good again. the pain does stay inside of you, but it becomes something you only remember now and then, instead of every waking moment.

Journalling might help you, writing it all down. Counselling is great. Support groups are great (there are some great ones online!)

I went through an absolutely horrible and sudden split that knocked me for six completely and it took me about a year to be able to be even vaguely normal and 18 months on I still burst into tears randomly in the supermarket! And my relationship was much shorter than yours.

I think yes, you are needy, you are needy of support and love and encouragement and unfortunately there's a limit to what most people can give. They want to hear happy stories and they want you to be over it. I went through a long phase of just avoiding calls and invitations so I could just be myself and not feel like I had to fake being okay to make people happy.

I have a lot of good friends, but absolutely ALL of them, and my family, got bored of me being so down. I think it's human nature and no reflection on you OR on them. You just have to find other avenues to express the way you feel. The best people to do it with is those going through the same.

[stickydate65]

hellsbells Yes the OW deceived and lied too, she was married as well so she deceived her husband and family and did the dirty on another woman (me!) Thankfully no she wasn't a friend, (I can't even begin to imagine how that would have felt!) I don't know her and have no desire too! They now have a relationship built on a foundation of cheating and lies. I can't imagine that is a solid foundation for a relationship! They deserve each other!

[hellsbellsmelons]

Did the OW deceive and lie? Or was she deceived and lied to??
Is she a friend of yours? (Ex-friend)

Like you, I just wanted my ExH to be happy otherwise the hurt was all for nothing. But it's a great feeling when Karma comes back to bite them in the arse. And it will!

Cry as much as you need to. Keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Thinking of you.

[pieceofpurplesky]

Sticky .... I feel that an alien took over my wonderful DH and replaced him with a vile man and bad dad!!! Stay strong, we will get there

[drifting2015]

Sticky - ExW is the same cold calculated now. Not the person I knew. At all. Where did she go I don't know. But I am going forward very slowly with great RL & MN support. Very slowly but definitely forward. Sometimes back.

[stickydate65]

purplesky Thank you! I hope I am where you are in a few months time! I too have sent him desperate rambling texts which he never replies to. I can't believe my lovely kind reliable H has become this cold distant being who can't see why I am so upset! He is a stranger in my H's body! The bizarre thing is I don't want him to be unhappy because if he is , it's all been for nothing! All that hurt and all that pain will have been pointless. (But I don't want the OW to be happy! I hope she suffers greatly for her deceit and lies!!!)

[pieceofpurplesky]

I am where you are but four months on. My beloved DH of 16 years walked out because he found life a bit boring. No one else, not even now. I have been to hell and had a complete breakdown - I cried, I screamed, I sent him texts begging him to return .... I ended up collapsing and in a real state as he turned into someone unrecognisable from the man I loved for half of my life.
Before Christmas I was dreading it, he never has DS over night (and hasn't in all the time), he never helps, has 'babysat' once and then accused me of taking advantage and said vile things to justify his behaviours.
Counselling helped so much - made me see that it is. It my fault and whatever he did nothing would change. He was bored with domesticity - since leaving he is out most nights, frequently drunk, has quit the hobbies he loved and joined a band, doesn't see his son - is everything he wasn't!
Christmas though was a massive turning point for me and it was amazing. I dreaded it and it was great. I am ten months on and stronger every day. He is no longer my waking thought, my nighttime thought and everything in between. Yes I still cry and am sad, but I am dealing with it.
Some friends have been lost along the way. Some got suckered in to every lie he spouted. Some I left because they were not sympathetic and said similar about 'getting over it'.
I am now a stronger woman, my son is happy, we have no stress and the friends I have (old and new) are true ones. I never thought I would get to this point. I have a long way to go OP but you will get there - I still love him and miss my wonderful life but there is light at the end if that very long and dark tunnel.
Good luck OP - keep posting x

[somewhatavoidant]

Just to say sorry for your loss and your pain sticky. Having an hours counselling in the diary helps in so many ways but when you know it's coming up, you might find yourself waiting to spill emotionally to your non judgemental, non bored counsellor rather than your family and friends who probably struggle to find words of comfort for you other than the usual (but true) platitudes.

I have several ex sils on both sides and such break ups have a ripple effect on both families. Things change, OW seems to be accepted but it's only because as family, you often don't really have a choice. My DM and dsis's punished my brother for years emotionally but in the end it made no difference. His wife knew we supported her but more often people say nothing rather than have difficult conversations. People make bad choices all the time. So sorry you're on the wrong end of this one.

[freedom2011]

My ex SIL still mentioned ex BIL - DH bro who cheated and dumped her after 25 years twat a year and a half later. You don't just get over it. Be kind to yourself. Send you lots of sympathy.

[drifting2015]

Sticky yes me too holding on to that day in the future too ..... So we all walk together slowly I am afraid . Yes tears come to me , I wonder why she did it , how could she do it ? I am sure you are the same. Look, we're all hear reading & posting so let it out.

I lurk on posts but if I feel I can support, however little I do. However little.

[stickydate65]

drifting Thank you for your thoughts! I never thought I would get comfort from strangers in a 'cyber' world, but to know you're not alone and that others are going through similar processes helps so much. I often lurk around other posts, never really feeling I have much to offer other people because I feel so fragile and useless, I never in a million years thought I would be so needy, I have always been a 'coper' but I feel like a squidgy mess at the moment.

I've aged about 10 years from crying so much and my eyes are a permanent shade of horror film red! I sleep very little and my head goes round and round the same things trying to work out where it all went so wrong. Why does our mind torture us so? I look forward to a future that doesn't include tears over him, reading other's posts on here I know there is light at the end of this very long tunnel and I cling onto that!

[stickydate65]

drifting Thank you for your thoughts! I never thought I would get comfort from strangers in a 'cyber' world, but to know you're not alone and that others are going through similar processes helps so much. I often lurk around other posts, never really feeling I have much to offer other people because I feel so fragile and useless, I never in a million years thought I would be so needy, I have always been a 'coper' but I feel like a squidgy mess at the moment.

I've aged about 10 years from crying so much and my eyes are a permanent shade of horror film red! I sleep very little and my head goes round and round the same things trying to work out where it all went so wrong. Why does our mind torture us so? I look forward to a future that doesn't include tears over him, reading other's posts on here I know there is light at the end of this very long tunnel and I cling onto that!

[stickydate65]

drifting Thank you for your thoughts! I never thought I would get comfort from strangers in a 'cyber' world, but to know you're not alone and that others are going through similar processes helps so much. I often lurk around other posts, never really feeling I have much to offer other people because I feel so fragile and useless, I never in a million years thought I would be so needy, I have always been a 'coper' but I feel like a squidgy mess at the moment.

I've aged about 10 years from crying so much and my eyes are a permanent shade of horror film red! I sleep very little and my head goes round and round the same things trying to work out where it all went so wrong. Why does our mind torture us so? I look forward to a future that doesn't include tears over him, reading other's posts on here I know there is light at the end of this very long tunnel and I cling onto that!

[drifting2015]

Stickydate - keep posting your thoughts here I have used this a few weeks and everybody listens and nobody is bored listening. Even during the night there seems to be someone watching. As it is such early days for me I also think are people bored but I am now sort of rationing myself trying to avoid repeating myself. I am trying very much not to think too much about the past because that is too hard .

Only time is going to heal us, but look at the posters , they are going through the journey , we all are & we will all listen .

[hellsbellsmelons]

You won't see the light at the end of the tunnel yet.
It will take time.
But you will see it. You will get there.
I've posted this a few times but I like this saying:-

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”
? Haruki Murakami

[stickydate65]

To all others who have posted thank you! I think I know all this already but it so helps to be able to vent on here! I feel so very lonely and sad. I want to feel better but the end to it seems so far away. I miss him such a lot, no one in the world knew me like him and I mourn that familiarity.

[stickydate65]

cogito. I think we probably were slightly mismatched sexually but not overly so. His being 'nice' was usually running me a bath with candles when really I would have preferred him to help with the child care/housework. It's really hard to unwind when you know after your nice relaxing bath, the house is still in the same tip it was before your soak! Or suggesting a bath together as soon as the kids had gone back to school after school holidays when all I wanted to do was sit down and listen to the silence for half an hour! But I do accept that was him making a al lbe it clumsy effort to try and keep the sex alive! For the years when our children were little I worked nights and was always tired, I accept that I very rarely initiated sex but I always enjoyed it when we did make the effort! The last couple of years were very stressful, fil with alzheimers having to go into care, having to sell family home, H having a breakdown due to stress at work and me having a forced job change which meant more hours for same pay plus me hitting menopause ! Sex was usually the last thing on my mind and I know this will have been instrumental in him looking elsewhere, I just feel cheated that having supported him through al his crisis's he walked away the minute the going got tough and I needed support.

[hellsbellsmelons]

A PP said a week for every year.
I've heard a month for every year.
That's 2 years - you are only 4 month in. And really there is no time limit to grief.

It took me months and months of sitting in corners, on floors, head on knees crying my heart out.
Your heart is almost literally broken.
There is real physical pain there and it's just awful. No words can describe it as you well know.

My friends and family were there for me when I finally told them.
They helped me through. They never got fed up of me breaking down (in a nightclub in the toilets for hours) bless them.
I understand your feelings with regards to family.
We split in October (properly) and he had his pregnant OW at his mum and dads that same Christmas.
It was like being stabbed in the heart all over again.
It was 5 years ago and still well up when I think about it!

But please believe us when we say that time heals.
It really does.
The crying sessions become shorter.
Then they become further apart.
Then you will realise you've gone 2 whole days without a tear.
That then helps you get further on.

4 months is nothing. Please give yourself time.
Look after yourself.
Lean on your friends and family. Make them understand you need them right now and for the foreseeable future. Show them this thread if necessary if you can't get the words right.

I know just how painful this is.
for you

[ComingtoKent]

I'm 10 years down the line from the end of my 22 year relationship. At four months (indeed for most of the first year) I cried every day, sometimes hardly realising that tears were streaming down my face. Like a previous poster I would say it took a good two years to recover to a reasonable level.

Even now I feel very sad if I think about the time of the split and how wretched I felt. Like you I felt it would have been easier if he'd died. It broke my heart every time he drove away with the dc for the weekend. Although I never wanted him back and knew it was all over, the sorrow was terrible.

I didn't have any counselling as my family and friends were very, very patient and understanding. His family were also great in my case and I have only recently really started to lose touch with them. Although I always expected them to support him more than me, obviously.

At ten years distance I can say that the first 12 months were the most difficult of my whole life, including bereavement. The next 12 got gradually better as another previous poster has also said - my thing for giving my whirling thoughts a rest was driving, for some reason I was able to drive, listening to the radio and totally switch off. Bliss. You'll find your thing too.

Distance yourself as much as possible as others have said. My ex wanted to morph into my best friend which was totally intolerable, he probably still would given half a chance! You now have to think of your own sanity and do what's best for you. Difficult, but achievable.

I wish you all the very best.

[AltheaVestrit]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2257304-Finding-it-so-hard-to-move-on-after-husband-has-left

I don't know if the link has worked, but there's a lot of women posting on that thread who have all had an abrupt and unexpected end to their long term marriages/relationships. Have a look. Lots of support there. Even finding a bit of humour in their situations.

[susiedaisy]

Op be kind to yourself 4 months is no time at all. I have been separated for four years and am still healing. And I initiated the split. Can you speak to your gp about counselling. I found certain family and friends were sympathetic to a point but then didn't know what to say or do. I found counselling to be a god send in my recovery.