Stag do - advice please!

[LiquidSilk]

Hi all,
Apologies as I know that this isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but I'd appreciate some advice especially as I lost my mum last year and she is the person I would normally have asked.

I love my fiancé more than anything and we are incredibly happy together. We are getting married early next year, and as such he will be having a stag do. He has a group of 12 friends who have been best mates for over 10 years. Only one of these have had a stag do, which was a week long thing in Spain organised by my fiancé (best man.)

Since our engagement they have all been incredibly excited about continuing the tradition and having stag do part 2. 10 of the group are single and judging by last time all of them seemed to end up snogging / sleeping with random women in addition to drinking to excess for 7 days. Even the stag, most of them have dubious morals to say the least.

Now I trust my fiancé implicitly, and money isn't an issue but I am already starting to feel worried about this week and what they will get up to. If I asked him not to have such a long one he would be devastated and realistically I have no valid reason to ask that of him. He would if I asked but it wouldn't be fair of me. Bless him he was suggesting a joint hen / stag do for a week but my friends are so flaky or constrained by money that there is no way that they would come away for a night let alone a week.

Don't think there is really a solution but I can't help it worrying me, especially when it's all they seem to talk about!! Its such a long way away and I'm not normally a worrier - it's strange.

[Vivacia]

Well done OP!

[LiquidSilk]

Hi all, thanks for your comments and advice. I spoke to DP about this today and he immediately said that if it worried him that he will just have a long weekend instead. That I am more important to him than anything else and it's not an issue. He did say that whilst his mates are incredibly immature when together, their morals are not his and they would never force him to do anything that he didn't want to do. Also that whilst he would love a week away and the bits will be disappointed, he would miss me loads so a long weekend would be fine.

I understand what people say about you can tell a man by the company he keeps, but individually most of the group are really lovely, it's just the regression to 19 year olds when together. I knew him for three years at uni and he never cheated on his girlfriend once despite numerous nights out without her.

I don't know - maybe it's me and deep down I'm just jealous that he has that many mates who would go away for a week for his stag. Mine certainly wouldn't!!

As for the last stag do, no strip clubs there. It was off season so they went to the same half empty karaoke bar every evening and got off their faces. The trouble started when they met a load of holiday reps and invited them back. 4 of the men cheated (ranging from a kiss to sex) and two of the single guys got with people.

Anyway I feel reassured by how he instantly put me first. I think talking is always a good thing

[CleanLinesSharpEdges]

In your own words, most of your DP's friends have dubious morals and even the stag cheated on the last lads holiday.

You can tell an awful lot about someone by the company they keep, if all his mates have dubious morals then your DP probably does too.

[simontowers2]

This is actually a stag do is it? It's a holiday.
As for what he will get up to, so much depends on the mates. His mates sound like childish dickheads. He will be under immense pressure to get bladdered everynight and, that being the case, all bets are off. If he were going away with some sensible, decent blokes who didnt act likes idiots after a few drinks, then things may be different. I really think it is impossible to underestimate the impact that bad company+lots of alcohol+being in a foreign country can have.

[specialsubject]

is he a man or a sheep?

if he wants to spend a week swilling booze and having sex with prostitutes - fine but you should run a mile from marrying him.
if he doesn't want to do it, then he does something else. Peer pressure is for idiots and small children. If he is either of those, don't marry him.

tell him the concerns you have expressed here. Perhaps it is time he found some new friends. Isn't he bored with this lot?

it should not be a surprise that most people don't want to spend a fortune on a week long pre-wedding holiday.

[BreakingDad77]

What happened EXACTLY on the first stag do? and I mean actually - not what was brushed over.

[sunshineandroses]

Sorry for the typos. Posting on my phone!!

[sunshineandroses]

I see why you are worried. There is something about the social pressure of stag dos that often make people act out of character. I was shocked when I found out that my ex had paid for a lap dance while on his best mates stag do (before he met me.) I just couldn't imagine him doing something like that but I guess in the heat of the moment people behave differently.

I don't understand the while mindset of strip clubs when a man is meant to be marrying someone he loves. Just why?! It makes the whole celebration seedy and weird. Perhaps discuss your worries with your fiancé. Also suggest other activities alongside the drinking (one of my male friends dos paint balling, another went to a fast car driving experience thing.) I think a week is also a bit long, is that common now?
Good luck anyway OP. Have a chat with him about it.

[MatildaTheCat]

I think a week is ridiculously long. The amount of holiday time, money and liver damage are all good reasons not to let this happen. And if they are a group of 12 and he's one of the first to get married what next? Maybe a fortnight in Spearmint Rhino? No, just tell him you aren't happy with it and please can he make it (at most) a weekend. If you are getting married there will be dozens of frank conversations to come and sometimes someone has to compromise. In this case it's him.

Btw his friends sound total idiots. Dangerous pranks at their age? So juvenile. My friends ds had shaving foam squirted in his ears whilst sleeping and had to have surgery to repair the damage and has permanent hearing loss. How he laughed.

[BackInTheGame]

OP, by your description your DP sounds similar to mine. He is quite a sensible guy, doesn't drink much, is the first to leave a club on a night out etc, but is in a large group of guy friends who all go a bit mental when they're out together on a 'lad's night'. They drink far too much, do stupid things, some of them cheat and some of them go to strip clubs.

The point is, however, that whilst some of them cheat, they don't all do it and in fact it is known which ones do and which ones don't and the ones who don't actually make fun of the ones who do. It is always the same guys. The same with the strip clubs - when it gets to that point in the night, the same group of guys will head off to the strip club whilst the rest will head to a quieter bar or head home. I really don't think it's the case that just because there are a few idiots in the group that they all behave that way.

My DP's group of friends are all going to Vegas in April for a friend's stag. I know that all of them will probably drink too much, at least one of them will pull some silly prank, some of them will cheat and some will go to strip clubs but I trust DP completely as although he is friends with these guys and is looking forward to the trip, I trust him completely and know he wouldn't do any of the things that you are worried about. In the end, just because he has stupid mates doesn't mean he will act like an idiot too. I know as the stag, the others will be focussing their efforts on your DP but if he's a decent guy he will be strong enough to just say no when they start taking things too far.

If you are really worried about the peer pressure, maybe just ask him to pretend to pass out from the alcohol after x number of drinks so they get bored of him and leave him alone!

[Vivacia]

His mates got him so drunk and went to a strip club he passed out. Then woke up with his hand up some strippers minge.

That can't be right, all we hear about is how there's no touching allowed, and it's all a laugh and a bit of fun and nobody would be made to feel uncomfortable.

[YellowTulips]

Spoke to my DH about this as he's been in a few stag do's.

He says there is usually some idiot(s) (in his words) that thinks it's all about strip clubs and in some cases visiting prostitutes but most men just want to find a decent bar, have some drinks and talk.

In his case when anyone has suggested something morally dubious most of the "gang" just laughed it off and said no way - simple as that. I don't think most men would do something like this unless they would do it anyway - like flub said.

The upshot is you trust him or you don't and I don't think you can say "don't go" but personally I see no reason not to tell him that there are things you would be very upset about if they happened whilst he was away.

[RandomNPC]

You can't 'set the scene for marriage' by telling him a week away is too long! He's an autonomous person FFS. If a man had posted that, there would soon be a chorus telling him he was being controlling.

[CuriouSir]

You don't trust him. That's the bottom line. I think you need to ask yourself why.

[GlitteryLipgloss]

My friends DH went to Vegas. His mates got him so drunk and went to a strip club he passed out. Then woke up with his hand up some strippers minge. He was distraught. She was distraught (my friend) and nearly called off the wedding. But his friends thought it was hilarious. I'll never forget the shit it caused back home!

Is it really worth it? One last jolly up. Fuck I'm getting old.

[ovaltine]

A week!!!! I hope you are getting to go somewhere good for a week too!

[however]

I agree with Vivacia. I have no idea why a stag do has morphed from a meal out with a few mates into a week away with booze and prostitutes.

[GlitteryLipgloss]

I got married in September and my hubby had a weekend in Potters. I had one night out locally with close friends/female family members.

I don't get these big elaborate last piss up events.

Set the scene for your marriage. Your feelings should take priority over what his fuckwit mates want. Start talking and getting your point across and don't keep quiet in fear of being the outspoken bitch girlfriend. Don't be a doormat!

[peasandlove]

I must be a control freak (read that as "am" ) but there's no way I'd be having that. A night or weekend maybe, but a week? forget it.

[TheHermitCrab]

JeanSeberg - I guess that's what I meant :)

[JeanSeberg]

You can tell a lot about a person by the company they keep.

[BOFster]

How is it a "tradition" if it has only happened once?