dont know how to interpret this situation..

[puddleduckquack]

I have just come out of a long emotionally and physically abusive relationship, and also discovered my parents were/are extremely emotionally abusive which is also a shock to the system. I have a 13 month old dc.
I do have a supportive family member (from ex dp's side) but who can also very full on and outspoken and sometimes doesn't quite 'get' the abusiveness thing and tries to be neutral ie. Tells us to stop winding each other up. Feel a bit like a child sometimes. Very controlling but not in a horrible way if you know what I mean? She wants both me and ex oh to be happy and pleaded with me not to call the police when he hit me even though I know I shold have done. But then she says she is on my side and is very encouraging and positive to me.
She likes to organise everyone and be needed and very motherly.
My life has been a nightmare recently, feeling low, lots of horrible rows with ex oh and parents and trying to not blame myself which I have always done all my life. Been on the freedom programme so now I am sticking up for myself I am getting slammed from all directions it seems. Feeling very alone so having her has been invaluable sometimes.

I tried to sort christmas presents out this year but although I did quite well up to a point I ran out of time to sort it out properly for ex oh's side of the family. Now I feel SO guilty as they got me and dc lots of lovely thoughtful presents and, quite frankly, my efforts were crap. I am so disappointed with myself. Normally I make sure it's all sorted or make sure ex oh did it but as we aren't getting on I thought I would let him sort it out but he didn't do a thing.
There was a bit of a row with her and her dh, as omg was I made to feel guilty. The implication was that we should have put more thought into giving to other members of the family as she is now going to have to go home with nothing for her daughters kids and that is so wrong. But I did get her daughter a very nice present.
I know I am rambling but I just feel very confused.
I think she is very controlling, but if that is the case I have no one.
If most of the people around me are abusive, then I am thinking that maybe it IS my problem and that I am the ungrateful selfish bitch that my ex oh and parents tell me I am?
After all I should have sorted these presents out it was the least I could do after what they have done for me! I am lazy and drink too much and am getting fatter and fatter and just loosing the plot to be quite honest I need to get a grip and organise myself and apologise to people.

[tipsytrifle]

oh puddle i think you are surrounded by abusers at present. They're all after a piece of you and you're flailing around trying to please everyone while they snap, bite and take take take.

In my opinion you should get rid of the lot of them. You and DC don't need this intrusive non-stop abuse.

You shouldn't be spending your money on gifts for ex oh family, your space shouldn't be available to ex oh either. I lost track if you're still sharing accommodation but if so this needs to be terminated asap.

This ongoing situation and environment will swallow you whole if you don't get out. I truly think this is an insidiously dangerous set of relationships that will destroy you otherwise.

I am truly sorry for not thinking of others more and will try harder in the new year to be a nicer person

Don't be sorry and DON'T try to be nicer to that lot of users. Am I angry on your behalf? Absolutely fuming! You are too lovely for and to them. Start snarling, will ya?

[puddleduckquack]

Happy New Year! Thank you so much for your message KouignAnamm x.
Yes, 2015 will be a fresh start and I am going to try hard to look after myself.

It's hard because I feel a bit alone at the moment, as I have hidden away from others for so long as I don't open up. I find it hard to be myself because ultimately I am ashamed of myself and I worry that people are going to find out what a joke I am. And those 'close' to me seem to be making me feel bad. It's hard not to blame myself though because all my life I have been told I am selfish, stupid, hysterical, appauling, despicable, fat, bitch, evil etc . Words that keep going around in my head. And I know that at least in some ways that is true and need to make more of an effort and be a better person. I realise that, I really do.

I am truly sorry for not thinking of others more and will try harder in the new year to be a nicer person. It's not that I don't recognise it I just have been very overwhelmed these last few months because of what I learnt on the freedom program etc & becoming a single mum. I should have made more of an effort with others at Christmas, I know. But hopefully when I am better and happier I will be able to focus on those things more x

[KouignAmann]

Happy New Year puddleduck and here is to a fresh start. You are on an exciting journey now your eyes have been opened. It is horrible to realise how your parents have set you up to accept this treatment and find a partner who repeats the familiar dynamic. But you are recognising this so you can break the pattern. You might find CBT helps you challenge the negative messages you have taken on board about yourself. You sound kind and thoughtful and I would love to have you in my family! Start afresh now and cherish yourself with healthy food and exercise so you feel good about yourself.

[bluebell345]

Whose house are you living in?
If its yours get your ex out like SmillasSenseOfSnow says. If not Women's Aid can help you.

[bluebell345]

Your ex and his family are pouncing on you because they know you are alone, even your own family, your own mother not protecting you.
You know that your mother is lying.
If you had a good, protecting family, your ex and his family wouldn't be able to act like that.
Believe in yourself.
Calling Women's Aid is a very good idea. Keep calling them, they may have an emergency line or they will be back next week.
Future will be very good, don't worry, your ds will be your best friend :).

[SmillasSenseOfSnow]

Stop talking to your parents. Immediately. You can take them on when you have the headspace for it - right now your mum is trying to make everything about her. It is sapping your energy and you owe her nothing.

Get your ex out of your house. Until you have managed that, do not engage with him. You do not owe it to him to hear his nonsense, or that of his relatives.

[puddleduckquack]

It's so hard because my mother is making put that I am abusing her!

Even though she is awful to me! Just because things do not go HER way.

So I feel massive guilt and unfairness all at the same time.

[puddleduckquack]

Thank you everyone.
I am feeling really desparate as my parents are giving me so much verbal emotional abuse and guilt trips right now aswell. Screaming at me on the phone to shut up and saying its despicable the way that I treat them.
I am breaking my mums heart when she is so unwell and I am hysterical and selfish etc etc etc. they are saying that I called them names that I never ever even considered, it's all lies. And apparently it upsets my mother I never call them. The reason for that is that every time I speak to them they give me abuse. And when I told them my ex was violent they said I must be driving him away and need to make more effort. My side of the story is an exagerratiom apparently as they have asked my ex about it directly and he said that he only 'tapped' me.

He actually kicked me pushed me held me by the neck and said he wanted to effing kill me. While I was holding the baby.
But of cour
I then told my mother that I thought she was rude when she called me a bitch but then I knew I shouldn't have said that because then the guilt trip really did go up a gear. She was in tears saying I lied (I didnt) and how could I be so awful to her when she has given me money and stuff etc. all she has ever done is love me.
My ex is still living with me as he hasn't moved out yet and he is also telling me to shut up and saying that I am hysterical too. Talking to me woth complete disdain as usual.
I am not hysterical by the way I am just in tears. Tried to call womens aid just now but I had to leave a message. I feel like I need to get away.

I feel so desparate and alone and can't see a way out.. . I know it sounds stupid but I feel like they are closing in on me and suceeding in weakening me.

For the first time in a very long time I actually cant see any light and I feel so guilty for bringing my lovely ds into this awful family of mine, and having a mother with these issues is not good for him.

[SolidGoldBrass]

She's another abusive bully. Unfortunately (and this is not your fault) people who have been abused by their parents or their first love are often appealing to other abusers, who sense weakness and vulnerability and pounce on it. Someone who has not been abused, but raised by good loving parents who instilled self-esteem, is more likely to tell abusive people to go fuck themselves.
For the moment, cut this woman out of your life as much as possible. She does not care for you - it's all about protecting the XP and making herself the centre of the drama. Your DC have a right to see their father and that's fair enough, but the rest of his family have no legal rights over the DC and none at all over you.

[JimmyChoosChimichanga]

Puddle don't listen to what she/they say, look at what they do. Most of your answers as to what sort of person/people they are will be revealed.

[ProcrastinaRemNunc]

And secondly I keep doubting myself because how the hell can they all be wrong? They make me feel like the nutty one who is being irrational and crazy.

They are all wrong because, they are supportive of each others fantasy in which their ds/db is not abusive. This is so, so common in cases of abuse.

The abused is villified/ castigated/ ostracised, controlled or abandoned, while all else involved enable each others denial and suppprt each others fabrication.

They are all wrong and you are 'speaking' with outsiders now, who share a different view, your view. I for one believe you to be 'right' (as in not remotely irrational or crazy!) and your forming understanding of what is going on to be accurate.

It is so difficult to turn negative self belief to positive, after a lifetime of hearing only or mainly negative input but it is completely possible.

You are already identifying negative influences upon your wellbeing and you are in the process of cutting them out. I found this to be the hardest step - as you say, we come to not trust our own instincts or believe in our ability to decipher who's who!

Once done though, your way will be clear to a better, more positive future with better, more positive friends.

[puddleduckquack]

Thanks Bluebell, yes there is a protection thing going on. Although she mainly blames him she tries to see it from his point of view and justifies him hitting me/getting drunk or whatever as frustration on his part and she tries hard to sympathise with him and 'fix' him too. All futile of course I've tried for years.
It's hard because firstly my instincts and dometic abuse books etc are telling me that most of the people 'close' to me are manipulative and controlling, which means I don't really have anyone.
And secondly I keep doubting myself because how the hell can they all be wrong? They make me feel like the nutty one who is being irrational and crazy.

[bluebell345]

I suspect one of the reasons she is being nice to you is so that you don't go to the police because of domestic violence, she is trying to protect your ex.
They are eating you away, you losing your self confidence, you are frustrated because of them subconsciously and turning to eat and drink.
You have to be very strong, always know what they do is right or wrong, don't be manipulated by them.
what is freedom program? will it help you in that way?
Also, you have a young child, you can't do everything to perfection, it is normal, please don't blame yourself.

[puddleduckquack]

Yes definitely lots and lots of shouting and rows when I was growing up. All my fault if course. Always felt horrible and ashamed. Anything calm happy and non controlling seems like a wonderful hard to reach ideal. But that is so what I want for ds.

[Vivacia]

I can see why people get annoyed with me. And god knows I can see why my partner would get annoyed with me. It has never, ever, ever occurred to him to raise his voice at me. A push or a poke with his finger? Not even in the ball park.

But if violence is part of your upbringing, part of your family's history, part of your own relationship... well, you're going to justify it and see it as usual.

[puddleduckquack]

Her husband hit her too, once, apparently.
Which skews things as he is a nice and supportive person, very good to me and disapproves of my ex's bad behaviour.

[puddleduckquack]

No it definitely doesn't. She tries to be balanced about it and although places a lot of the blame on him, can see why he gets annoyed with me. She wants to protect him too because he is her family and doesn't want to see him get into trouble.

[Vivacia]

Yes, the research disagrees with what she is telling you.

If somebody told me they'd been physically assaulted, I would tell them to report it to the police. Why might she be telling you things that protect your ex, do you think? Does this make her reliable, a friend, where his behaviour is concerned?

[puddleduckquack]

Thank you vivacia
We crossed posts!

[puddleduckquack]

But do you think I should get them something in return? I feel a bit engulfed by it all tbh. Since me and ex oh broke up they have got very intense with me but at the same time protecting ex oh even though he is violent and abusive. So it's got very confusing. She is trying to be motherly but I get spoken to like a teenager which annoys me as I am a mother myself. She says he hits me out of temper and frustration. But the books I have been reading about domestic abuse say that it is always about control and nothing to do with anger management issues. But I still struggle with that idea too.

[Vivacia]

OP I don't believe anyone is wholly perfect or wholly evil. It sounds as though this woman has a driver to Fix things, solve everyone's problems. That has both good and bad sides, and it's ok to see both. Making everything better is probably what got her attention and praise as a child, so that's what she learned to do in order to get recognition.

It sounds as though you've heard messages that you're selfish and inconsiderate. If you think about it, there's probably lots of evidence that you're actually often selfless and thoughtful. But because you heard the opposite in your formative years, you don't really accept that evidence. Your head knows that you are considerate of other people, but there's still a childhood filter which filters it out from reaching your heart. When that happens things like this come out, "I know I am a bad person I know I need to pull my finger out and make more effort as everyone else does". It doesn't make sense, and it's not true, but it's the way you've learned to think in order to make sense of the world. The good thing is, in my opinion, that you can change your thought processes.

[puddleduckquack]

My parents are often calling me selfish and inconsiderate sometimes with the word bitch thrown in, so it's who I feel that I am.
I didn't want to admit it but yes I think that most if her actions are for her own gain, or that of her immediate family. Plus the desire to 'take charge' and fix everything then get accolades for it. i feel so so horrible saying this as she had done so many nice things. i keep thinking that my gut feelings are there because I am poisonous inside and no wonder I am on my own because I don't make enough effort to think of others.
My head feels like a tangled mess.
I know I am a bad person I know I need to pull my finger out and make more effort as everyone else does.

[IBrokeTheInternetB4itWasCool]

I really wouldn't send any gifts or do any apologising - it's completely unnecessary (you don't owe them gifts and they were very rude to suggest that you do) and that will just show she has succeeded in manipulating and controlling you again. I would just cut them all out and don't give in to any requests/demands for contact or guilt trips. It's your ex-oh's job to ensure his family have contact on his own time, not yours.

[Finola1step]

I think you are right to cut yourself off. As the relationship with your ex has broken down, your priority is your dc and yourself. It is up to your ex to ensure that your dc keep in contact with his side of the family. Let him organise that.

Focus in you and yours. But be prepared, as soon as she realises that you are pulling away, she will try to reel you back in. You must stand firm. Your gut instinct is right. She is emotionally abusing you too for her own gain. You would be better of on your own.

[Vivacia]

I feel like a selfish inconsiderate bitch who doesn't deserve nice things happening to her.

Whose words are those? When and where did you hear those words before?