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Relationships

he says i have to give up alcohol

54 replies

mumatha · 24/12/2014 12:14

My partner says I have to give up alcohol. I barely drink at all - maybe a brandy and hot water to help me to relax and sleep every couple of weeks - but he will not tolerate this.

he is teetotal, and hates me seeing friends in pubs or anywhere where alcohol is served. and yet he is happy to down cokes in a workingmen's club which his father (who drank beer) belonged to, surrounded by other people drinking alcohol. he did not criticise his father who drank alcohol, or his best friend who is a heavy drinker. yet he says i have to give it up. it aappears it all has to be on his terms.

he is a good man in so many other ways, but is also given to bouts of raging insecurity where i am concerned if i don't return his texts quickly or if he does not know where i am. he is suspicious of my socia media accounts, and says I cannot have male friends as it looks 'improper'.

this morning is typical. he woke me at 5am, fuming, because he had been through my handbag and found a minature of brandy. i have to work today (yes really) and yet that did not matter. he also mistook a plastic cake decoration as 'mistletoe' which he then hid from me. the sad thing is it is my mother's xmas cake decoration, which i was going to return to her tomorrow. it is especially poignant as my father passed away this summer and the fact that my elderly mother had made a Christmas cake at all this year is amazing.

when i asked for it back, at first he said he didn't know where it was, then after a bit of badgering from me, he took it out of his bedside drawer and threw it at me.

i work hard at our relationship and am committed to him. and i have worked very hard to make our first xmas as a couple good with major compromises on my part as to when i see my children and my mother.

but it seems that that is not enough. what do i do?

OP posts:
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Hissy · 25/12/2014 23:03

I have lived with a man like this. worse, I have a son with him so am stuck with him for life :(

we split in 2011. i've ranted/raved/spoken to him. i've done the freedom programme, beat the agoraphobia his life left me with, private thereapy, attended free groups.

thought i'd reached a place where it was ok, and he knew what's what, and gave me some respect.

WRONG! today i've had him attempt tp tell me off for going to live in south america 10 YEARS before I met him... he used to literally torture me for hours over this fact when we were together. sleep deprivation/verbal abuse/ terrorism. awful.

it's 4 fucking years since I dumped him at T2 ffs! this prick STILL thinks he has a right to dictate to me.

he doesn't, he never did do!

don't be a prick like me, bin him now, before he totally and utterly fucks your life in every imaginable way.

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FryOneFatManic · 25/12/2014 22:53

The miniature of brandy could easily have been for feeding the cake (the decoration being there made me think of the two together).

In any case, this chap seems like a bad idea. This is only the first Xmas, and he's already being very controlling.

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Italiangreyhound · 25/12/2014 18:37

I think it is good you have seen relatively early on what he is like and you can now take stock of your relationship, mumatha.

If it were me, mumatha I would not want to be in a relationship with someone who controlled when I saw my kids or my mum, quite aside from what I drank or anything else!

Please take stock, he does not seem to have your interests at heart.

Although on a side note I would look into why you can't sleep and find a another way aside from alcohol but that is health related and nothing to do with your current partner's wishes or 'demands'.

Please look after you, mumatha. And my thoughts are with you and your mum, it is a tough time.

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ChasedByBees · 25/12/2014 18:11

This is not even approaching normal reasonable behaviour from him. Ditch.

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Spadequeen · 25/12/2014 18:05

How long have you been together? Do you have children?

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Trazzletoes · 25/12/2014 18:02

OP. My DH and I have been together around 15 years. He would NEVER go in to my handbag without asking me first. And I really am not protective of it. Even if he knows he needs something that is in there (I really wouldn't mind if he did just go and get something out of it) he will ALWAYS come to me first and ask if I mind him looking in there.

If he ever hid anything of mine out of spite I would be livid with him. What I have and what I do with it is actually none of his business.

Your OP rings so many alarm bells, it's deafening. Please think about your future with this man very carefully indeed. His behaviour isn't normal.

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Coyoacan · 25/12/2014 17:53

And I think you need to work on your boundaries, OP. Why don't you look into the freedom programme that everyone is raving about?

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Hissy · 25/12/2014 17:09

this man is categorically abusive.

this is indisputable.

you must dump him. today!

he won't ever change, and he will only ever get worse.

you could be at serious risk.

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CogitOIOIO · 24/12/2014 23:21

I find myself hoping this thread is a wind up because, if it's someone's reality, it's truly appalling. A possessive, nasty, controlling bully should never be compromised with or given second chances. Please return this one back under the rock from which he crawled. ...

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alphabook · 24/12/2014 19:52

You are in the early stages of an abusive relationship and it will only get worse. Please get out now.

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ThePointyAndTheIvy · 24/12/2014 19:45

WannaBe if the OP only has a brandy every two weeks or so why would she not have a miniature? Since that is all she wants? I'm really Hmm at people latching on to this rather than the scary control the OP's OH is putting her through. Going through her bag, controlling her friendships, hiding family cake decorations - run for the hills, OP. Ditch this man right now.

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SparkleZilla · 24/12/2014 19:12

Oh sweetheart please listen to the advice above

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QuietTinselTardis · 24/12/2014 19:01

Run run run and fast. He woke you at 5am? He's Insecure and you aren't allowed male friends? Ugh, who does he think he is? Your boss? Get rid before you find yourself isolated and alone with a black eye or worse.

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AWholeLottaNosy · 24/12/2014 18:29

Please read this and see if any of these signs look familiar...

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

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IrishBloodEnglishHeart · 24/12/2014 18:29

Just in case the previous comments haven't hit home - do not pursue a relationship with this man. He is not a good man, he is a controlling fucker and his controlling demands will likely escalate. Please don't have unprotected sex with him. Ditch him.

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EhricJinglingHisBallsOnHigh · 24/12/2014 18:16

Jesus Christ if you don't run fast from this controlling idiot then you are a fool

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toffeeboffin · 24/12/2014 17:42

What do you do?

You get rid, pronto!

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fluffapuss · 24/12/2014 17:42

Hello

It seems this person has issues with trust

It seems this person does not really like you

It seems this person must have strange thoughts in their head about you

It seems this person is trying to take things from you, what will they take next, it will not stop !!!!
Take
Take
Take
T.
T.

The great thing is that they cannot CONTROL any of the thoughts in your head ! ha ! ha!

I think you should say to yourself

I deserve better
I will be strong
I will leave this person, for a better life (soon, make real plans to leave)
i will do what i want
i will have friends
I will be happy

Seriously, there are better people out there who will love you for being you !

Good luck & take care

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vienna1981 · 24/12/2014 17:31

Misogynist ? Mentally ill ? Both are possibles but either way, this man is nought but BAD NEWS. Leave straight away.

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LadyFairfaxSake · 24/12/2014 17:27

From a male perspective, get away from this immature & insecure bundle of complexes, you deserve better.
Don't walk, run.

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Coyoacan · 24/12/2014 16:53

Gosh, whether or not he ends up hitting is the least of your worries. Being estranged from your family and friends while being verbally abused at home is a nightmare in itself.

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Lucyccfc · 24/12/2014 14:10

Take a look at Magoria's list and add to that:

A little slap when you haven't done as you were told

A push when he thinks you have lied

A punch when you get home 5 minutes late.

Putting you in hospital (just because he can)

His behaviour now is just the start OP.

Read the DV threads on here and most of them start with controlling behaviour and before you know it he is knocking seven bells of shit out of you.

Please, please get rid now, before it gets any worse.

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ArsenicStew · 24/12/2014 13:40

Abusive. Honestly. LTB.

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furcoatbigknickers · 24/12/2014 13:38

Dump

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BarbarianMum · 24/12/2014 13:34

You are in a relationship with an controlling man who's notching it up to abusive. Stop the relationship now.

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