can i make this work?

[MsInformed]

I've been with my partner for over 3 years, we have a 2 year old daughter together.

It was a rebound relationship after my husband and I split (no kids, we're still married). We'd known each other for years and I fell pregnant not long after we started seeing each other.

Fast forward 3 years and after the excitement of our whirlwind romance, unexpected pregnancy and subsequent amazing child, the wheels are starting to fall off.

I'm starting to feel resentment and bitterness towards him and it's meaning I'm not a very nice person to him . Mainly belittling and showing apathy towards him. he doesn't deserve it. He's a wonderful dad and partner, everything he does is for us. I find myself nitpicking everything he does and taking him for granted. It's not a partnership or really a relationship.

Due to his working pattern we don't see much of each other and I don't know if that's making things worse as we rarely have the chance to reconnect or if it's a blessing.

My problem has always been that I look to what other people have and I benchmark my life against that. I realise this will always set me up to fail and be unhappy.

I'm determined that my child will not come from a broken home, I realise in many cases that this is the best option but I feel that the problem lies with me in this case and that I'd be bailing without even trying. This may seem a strange analogy but I think that if people can get arranged marriages to work then surely I can work at this and we can all be happy?

Any advice most welcome.

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

Your DP sounds like a good'un. I think you will really regret it if you push him away.

[DoIknowitschristmas]

It sounds as if you simply don't love him yet you loved your ex. I too don't get how you had butterflies for 15 years but didn't have sex! Surely a solid relationship is better than that.

The bottom line is you are not happy so you have to do something about it.

[Vagueandbemused]

Aww sweetheart. I've been right there. I'm luckier in that I do love my partner, but I treat him horribly when I'm down. I don't value myself, so I behave badly and hope he will run - which of course he doesn't because he loves me. I have no idea why. I'm irritable, incredibly rude to him and have been like this for about four months. Finally went to the doctor this morning and have been prescribed Sertraline and referred for CBT.


I am from a broken home as well, it's a horrible phrase, but it definitely explains some of the things I am finding myself doing. It's my mum from 35 years ago.

To the other posters who are giving this lady a hard time, you aren't being fair to someone who is being honest enough about her feelings and her dilemmas. You can have a go if you choose, but try and imagine that you don't value or like who you are, you're not sure if you love your partner, and you are terrified of forcing the issues you had to endure on your own child. Rock/ hard place.

Nobody is knocking single parent families either, but the OP's experience (and mine) are from the child's point of view. For some, going solo can be a wonderful experience and make everyone happier. My experience was going from relative affluence to living in social housing and a mother who worked two jobs to support us where she had previously been a SAHM. We were then shipped off for long holidays to Scotland where my Dad was (from the South East where we lived) to fit into his new family for up to six weeks, with his new wife and her own children, who were also dealing with their parents splitting and a new Dad. They were slightly older, saw us as posh and spoiled and marked all the differences in the ways we were treated. It was stressful. I was 6 and my brother was 2. Nobody can tell me that didn't have some detrimental effect on my mental health.

I think you should go to the doctor, accept help and start the process.

You need to talk to your partner too, and you need to listen to him. You might find he can help and you might start to notice that he doesn't do big things but lots of little things to try and make you happy. He's on a loser though, until you start dealing with yourself

Xxxx it will get better xxxx

[CogitOIOIO]

"There was spite and vitriol throughout my childhood"

This is the part that harms children, not whether parents are together or apart.

[muddylettuce]

I totally agree with the majority here, the problem is probably you...in the nicest possible way. I suspect your depression is rearing its head again but I also think that it's normal to mourn your previous life after you've had kids. Dp and I started in a similar way to yours, shortly after the breakdown in my marriage having been friends before we fell pregnant within a couple of months. We had enjoyed weeks of dinner out, drinks, sex obviously played a huge part as like you, my marriage remained consummated. Now, we barely go out and struggle financially to enjoy the finer things in life thanks to mortgage and boring adult things. Life is unrecognisable to my old one and same for dp. We have less time together because we share childcare so are rarely home together, less sex, fewer (if any) date nights and we do get snippy with each other. I don't always fancy him either, I do still enjoy sex though when we do it. The difference is, I am not depressed, I can see there is a light at the end of the tunnel, we won't always be dog tired and worked to the bone and when we get a chance to unwind we have fun. I do try and show him I care, the other day it was simply bringing drinks and tissues when he was poorly, he noticed and commented on how nice I was treating him which made me feel great. Start caring for yourself a bit more and make an effort to be nice to him. Once you're in a more positive place you might see the wood through the trees and figure out if this relationship is worth holding on to.

[newstart15]

I think you show good understanding of yourself and taking responsibility for your behaviour. It does seem that you are replicating your parents relationship (bitterness and resentment) which is understandable as that was the model you had when growing up.You can however make a conscious decision to stop belittling your partner.

Often our childhood issues raise their heads when we have children of our own and babies also place strains on our relationships so you are dealing with many changes at one time.

Are you working?

[MsInformed]

Thanks so much for all your replies, it means a lot and some of it is really resonating with me.

I’m going to reply separately to them.

pinkfrocks@ 13.27 – I’m sorry you feel like that, I was heading out and didn’t have time to reply. I didn’t read your reply at 13.06 until after I’d posted my one at 13.22. I noticed yours just after that and that’s why I posted at 13.25 saying I would reply to yours when I got back. I do appreciate the time you’ve taken to reply and the advice you’ve given.

In response to it I haven’t heard anything about the Counselling Service or BACPS however it is certainly something I will look into along with some self help books – will definitely check out the ones you’ve mentioned. I remember a doctor a long time ago gave me a web link to a great site he recommended but I can’t remember what it is anymore.

I agree that this stems from everything that happened when I was younger, I get frustrated as other people have parents that have divorced etc and they manage to get on with things and lead happy and fulfilling lives! I do take some pleasure in things I do for myself but it’s as if I’m always wanting something bigger and better, I envy people who seem to have more money, more fun, more love than what I think I have. But I’m always reaching for the unattainable, I always think if I get this or that thing whether it’s material or love or whatever THEN I’ll be happy. I’m slowly beginning to realise that this is not the case!

I’m doing okay at work and doing all the right things towards getting a promotion, I’m highly regarded there and take pleasure from the work I do so I know that’s a positive and things seems to be going from strength to strength there.

[MsInformed]

DontIknowitschristmas - I don’t know! We were actually married a relatively short time compared to how long we were together and the sex dwindled to nothing over a few years. I realise a solid relationship is better than that but I wonder if I love my DP because I don’t have the same excited feelings as I have with my ex. The sex is amazing with DP, he’s a very considerate and exciting lover.

AF yes I would seriously regret it and this is why I’m unsure as to if I should be leaving him or try and work harder at it. I don’t want to split my family up without giving it a good go first.

I realise this starts and ends with me.

Thanks so much for sharing vagueandamused and I’m sorry for what you’ve had to go through. What did you say to the doctor? Yes, broken home is a horrible phrase, it is right in the sense that my home life was irrevocably broken and fits my situation but it doesn’t fit everyone’s circumstances by any manner of means.

You’re spot on about rock and hard place, for me anyway. I actually don’t feel as though I’m getting to much of a hard time – I thought I’d get much worse and I feel deservedly so.

I agree I need to talk to DP, this is one thing I’m terribly guilty of not doing and just expecting him to know what I’m thinking/feeling and most importantly why. I need to start not taking him for granted and appreciate what he does do which is a great deal. I just don’t notice it or choose to ignore it and pick up on the “bad” things he does. Poor guy.

I found your post interesting muddylettuce in terms of our similar circumstances however you have a different outlook to it. I’m always waiting for something bigger and better so never enjoy just being, I value family time a lot but spend most of it worrying about whether we’re all having fun and getting annoyed when I don’t think we’re having enough fun! WTAF??

newstart15 I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes as my parents and can see I’m heading down that road. My dad is on his 3rd marriage and always seems unhappy, never has anything nice to say about anyone and is very bitter about everything. Jesus, it’s like writing about myself.

It’s easy acknowledging all my faults but how am I ever going to completely change my whole attitude and way of thinking? I’m going to try though, I like a challenge! I not getting any younger and want to enjoy my life with my lovely family.

[MsInformed]

My DD has just woken up from her nap so going to spend some quality time with her, get dinner ready for DP coming home and have a think about how I proceed from here.

Thanks.

[queenoftheknight]

Your local children's centre may be able to reroute you to free therapy of some kind.

I personally am not convinced that CBT is appropriate for problems like these. It deals with only the present, and coping in the present, without really addressing any deeper stuff from the past, which it feels like is what may be more appropriate.

Children's centre staff can be a great resource.

I agree that therapy is not a luxury here, but a necessity, and as I said earlier...if you get on the phone now, you could well have an appointment by the end of the week.

[pinkfrocks]

This is one link to the counselling directory

//www.counselling-directory.org.uk

[ohlittlepea]

Google the marriage course , churches run it for free but it's secular content. If he's a good guy maybe it's worth putting in the time to do this or similar before calling time on the relationship.

[Vagueandbemused]

queen I agree CBT isn't ideal, but that's all there is on the NHS for me. Don't know if OP's area is better served... Hope so. Paid for counselling is always an option though.

[Vagueandbemused]

MsInformed I didn't so much talk to the (very nice) lady GP as blurt out several things about this morning at home, the last few months (house move, school problems) and cry a bit. Filled in the first part of the depression index, which graded me as moderately depressed and a bit anxious. No big surprises there. I'm already feeling better though just accepting it's happening again. Have talked to DP and he's feeling a bit guilty (for not dealing with it better, but we've both been under pressure) and as loving as always. Like I said, I'm lucky because I know I love him.

[MsInformed]

Thanks to all for the info.

I'm going to have a look into the various resources available to me and see what looks the best fit.

Just that counselling directory link was a minefield as i looked up counsellors in my area and there were many to choose from! Where to begin??

Feel more positive tonight than this morning.