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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

Is this emotional abuse or am I overeacting?

65 replies

wineandbodycombatmakesmehappy · 28/11/2014 11:05

Hi Everyone,

My partner and I have been together for 11 years, 2 kids, both self employed, he works full time, me part time. Things have been up and down for a long time, and we both have our faults. He doesn't get angry, shout or hit me. He works hard and puts our family first.

BUT I am feeling more and more put down by him and whenever issues need addressing it always ends up my fault.

He says things like "don't expect me to just put my arm round you and tell you everything's alright, because that will just reinforce this behaviour" when I'm having a bad day and feel down and anxious for no particular reason.

Or on a Saturday night in if I've had a cider and go and get myself a glass of wine to follow "you're having wine as well then?" in a disapproving tone.

He tells me off like a child and I feel like I constantly have to "behave". He doesn't like me getting excited about things or getting emotional. He takes to piss out of me for my mannerisms and tells me "he settled for me"

Can't remember the last time he suggested we went out. And he'll never marry me.

But he lets me do whatever I want, my money is my money, his is his, I come and go as I please. He's anything but controlling, but he makes me feel uneasy and stupid and not good enough.

Am I just over emotional or does this need sorting? When I talk about my feelings I end up being told I don't do enough with the house and that he has to do all the maintenance (we are doing up an old house), and I get to do whatever I want and he doesn't have any hobbies etc. So I end up saying i'll change and try to do more. Then I get told I'm trying to hard and being obsessive again. Feel like I'm going crazy!!

Any advice appreciated

Thanks xxx

OP posts:

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Joysmum · 28/11/2014 13:24

A relationship you bring out the best in you, not kick you when you're down.

The fact you've even needed to ask as you've lost your perspective so badly is a clear sign to anyone looking in how down the relationship is making you.

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nicenewdusters · 28/11/2014 16:51

Another "yes" to both of the questions in your thread.

After I left my EA relationship (no children, not married) my family said to me that I always seemed to be on my best behaviour around him. I'd never seen it that way, but they were spot on.

When he went abroad for a few days I felt like a different person. My judgement was so clouded at the time I couldn't really think why. I did know why, it just scared me that I had become such a different person around him.

As for all the things he "allows" you to do. My partner never said "don't see that friend". However, if every time I saw them he was difficult, told me how bored he'd been when I was out, made nasty little comments and questioned why I liked them, Hey Presto !, it's suddenly too much effort to see them. These people are too clever and too cowardly to be direct, they just grind you down.

Standing up to him may well make you feel better and more in control. Distancing yourself from him, allowing him to have less effect on you, will hopefully get you to a point where you can decide on your next move.

Perhaps turn the tables on him. When he tries to cut you down, make you doubt yourself etc, don't engage. Use answers like "ok", "D'you think so?", "That's interesting....."

As for him settling for you, I'm sorry but what a bastard. If you stay with this man though, what will you have settled for ? So sorry you find yourself in this position. Glad to see you've got good supportive friends in RL.

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shadypines · 28/11/2014 22:15

He probably should be telling you you are fantastic, or at least saying pleasant things, NOT that he settled for you. That's just plain awful, beyond words.
This is not a good situation for you, he does not sound like a good person for you, or at least not when he;s behaving like this. He might get a shock if you ask that he could speak to you more pleasantly, respectfully, good luck with that but TBH that's the starting block you need IMO.

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wineandbodycombatmakesmehappy · 30/11/2014 17:55

Guys it's going well. I'm quite sure it's over and am detaching myself really well. He's not coming near me and acting a little sheepish, think he must have noticed my change in behaviour. I'm not going to let him make me feel bad anymore.

Obviously not breaking up this close to Christmas and I need to decide what I'm doing, but I feel liberated already having decided that I am no longer trying to behave or please him. I'm doing exactly as I like and to be honest his company has been quite pleasant. Just like we're mates, which is what I hope, we can become.

Thank you all for helping me believe in myself for the first time in 11 years, I know I'm going to have blips and tears, but I don't think he'll make it difficult. If anything he already knows. Will keep you posted Xx

OP posts:

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Twinklestein · 30/11/2014 18:37

Good luck OP.

For all your mum's advice that you should stay in the bed you made, fate stepped in in the event of your father's death, so she was released from that bond without having to take action. It's not as if she put with him for her whole life.

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eddielizzard · 30/11/2014 18:47

wow that was quick! well done for standing up for yourself. take care.

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bobs123 · 30/11/2014 21:17

Well done. Stay strong

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nicenewdusters · 30/11/2014 23:02

Just checked in to see how things were for you -WOW ! So pleased to hear that you have chosen your path out of this situation, wishing you lots of luck in the days and weeks ahead.

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Lottapianos · 01/12/2014 14:33

Good for you OP. It sounds like things have changed massively regarding your own self esteem and that's the first step to a new and better life for you. Yes, there will be blips, but being prepared for them means that you can reassure yourself about how normal they are when they happen.

Good work. BE PROUD OF YOURSELF!!!!

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/12/2014 14:56

"Obviously not breaking up this close to Christmas and I need to decide what I'm doing, but I feel liberated already having decided that I am no longer trying to behave or please him. I'm doing exactly as I like and to be honest his company has been quite pleasant. Just like we're mates, which is what I hope, we can become".

Why can't you break up this close to Christmas?. This is also partly why January and February are very busy months for Solicitors (because people cling onto their failing relationship till Christmas is over). Christmas is but two days and goes very quickly. You may well feel very differently come January as well.

Its going to take far more than a couple of days but you are taking on the right road to get out of this relationship in which you have no real say whatsoever. Womens Aid can and will help you leave.

Do you really think though that you and he could ever be mates let alone civil post separation?. I think you have been and will remain reasonable throughout but he will never cooperate because he is abusive at heart. You need to stay safe. He notices a change in you hence his attitude changing to that of the "nice" part of the ever turning wheel of abuse. He knows that you are up to something though not what so is being more pleasant to you.

Your mother certainly taught you some rubbish lessons about relationships which unfortunately though not surprisingly you have followed. Fate took a hand in your mothers case and she was free of him when he died, she probably would have stayed with him otherwise.

You do not have to show your children the same crappy lessons on relationships that they have and are currently absorbing from the two of you. I think also that he will make any attempts for you to separate from him very difficult indeed, such men like yours really do see their victims (the plural is deliberate) as possessions to use as they see fit and they do not let go of them easily. He will use everything in his power including the children to get back at you as "punishment".

You have a choice re this man; your children do not.

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wineandbodycombatmakesmehappy · 01/12/2014 15:03

Hi everyone, any advise on how to handle the break up? I need to plan where I'm going, I definitely want to leave as the house has been his project since day one, and I think the kids should stay, I'm think I'll pick them up from school most days and look after them before he has them for the evening when I go to work. Then have them overnight one week day and every other weekend or something. We never spend time as a whole family anyway so that will be least disruptive to them. Dunno just brainstorming arm.

We have 3 properties and rent out 2. I think he will make things fairly easy and fair. He never put up a fight last time I nearly ended it.

Any advise welcome. And when to tell him, and the kids. Any strategy that will end in an amicable split with the least pain for the kids. I really don't think he'll be difficult but you never know.

Thanks lovelies xx

OP posts:

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/12/2014 15:19

I actually think that if anyone should leave the residence it is him. You solely leaving and leaving the children there is not a good idea at all. I do realise that you are brainstorming currently and have been thinking aloud.

I do think you need legal advice and pronto from a Solicitor who is highly skilled in such manners before moving out. You need an appointment with such a person asap. Knowledge after all is power. I would also be talking to Womens Aid now also.

There is no good time to tell the children but it needs to be made crystal clear by both of you that it is not their fault that mum and dad cannot live together as a couple any more. They have done nothing wrong.

It may well be that he was not difficult last time because he knew that ultimately you were not serious about leaving him. Now that you are his attitude may well change and harden towards you. He may profess promises of change, more equality and even marriage; do not fall for it.

Hope for the best and prepare for the worst. I sincerely hope there is an amicable separation here but equally you need to be prepared for the scenario that he may be both difficult and adversarial every step of the way.

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Joysmum · 01/12/2014 15:23

So pleased to read your update. Knowledge is power and at least with this you feel like you have choices.

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bobs123 · 01/12/2014 15:42

Yes you need to see a solicitor asap to know your rights. A lot do a free 1st appt. Best to do that before you think about moving out.

If it's amicable you could then got on to mediation to sort out all the finances

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BrighterLight · 01/12/2014 18:00

OP It sounds as if you are starting to be honest with yourself, I think I can appreciate where you are coming from. As much as things seem 'obvious' to others it's so easy to adapt to things in life, feel uneasy and eventually the penny drops. In hindsight you wonder why it didn't drop sooner. I don't think independant women are immune to this situation - I think it's got more to do with self confidence and toleration levels than anything else - they get skewed.

As you say you have tried to think there are things you could do, things you do that contribute, I have done the same, afterall relationships are two way streets. But, you haven't seen a change or any reflection of this nature from his side - for me that was when I realised I was blaming myself for ALL the relationship problems, deep down I knew this wasn't true. Why - because relationships are teamwork and all problems raised should be acknowledged and worked on and if not, then it's just not equal. Anyhow the upshot is, that I agree, you are not over-reacting and he isn't behaving well, he is hurting you.

I understand confidence issues as well - he doesn't sound like he can support your desire to overcome them and is probably making them worse. He can't give you what you need right now, set boundaries and try hard not to blame yourself anymore and walk in the direction that makes you feel good, until you are feeling good and supported at the times when you don't.