Is this emotional abuse or am I overeacting?

[wineandbodycombatmakesmehappy]

Hi Everyone,

My partner and I have been together for 11 years, 2 kids, both self employed, he works full time, me part time. Things have been up and down for a long time, and we both have our faults. He doesn't get angry, shout or hit me. He works hard and puts our family first.

BUT I am feeling more and more put down by him and whenever issues need addressing it always ends up my fault.

He says things like "don't expect me to just put my arm round you and tell you everything's alright, because that will just reinforce this behaviour" when I'm having a bad day and feel down and anxious for no particular reason.

Or on a Saturday night in if I've had a cider and go and get myself a glass of wine to follow "you're having wine as well then?" in a disapproving tone.

He tells me off like a child and I feel like I constantly have to "behave". He doesn't like me getting excited about things or getting emotional. He takes to piss out of me for my mannerisms and tells me "he settled for me"

Can't remember the last time he suggested we went out. And he'll never marry me.

But he lets me do whatever I want, my money is my money, his is his, I come and go as I please. He's anything but controlling, but he makes me feel uneasy and stupid and not good enough.

Am I just over emotional or does this need sorting? When I talk about my feelings I end up being told I don't do enough with the house and that he has to do all the maintenance (we are doing up an old house), and I get to do whatever I want and he doesn't have any hobbies etc. So I end up saying i'll change and try to do more. Then I get told I'm trying to hard and being obsessive again. Feel like I'm going crazy!!

Any advice appreciated

Thanks xxx

[NomorepepperpigPLEASE]

You shouldn't have to feel like that.

Dp is the first person I ever felt I could be myself with. He has the patience of a saint.

He does sound very passive agressive.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

If you're generally a confident person and only don't feel good enough when around your partner, chances are they are creating that atmosphere. Think of it this way.... people in the public eye sometimes get an inflated impression of their own importance because they are surrounded by others who tell them everything they do is fantastic. You've got the opposite to that and a drip, drip of negative stuff on a daily basis - especially when it's coming from someone who is supposed to love you - is going to have you believing that you are worthless.

If you spend time apart do you feel more relaxed? If you are home and hear his key in the door do you feel happy?

[Lottapianos]

OP, you know the answer deep down. He sounds highly abusive and highly controlling. Being 'allowed' to spend your own money and go out when you want to is not remarkable or generous behaviour in a relationship - that's just bare minimum decency. Same with not hitting you.

You do not have to live like this OP. You really don't. You will end up dedicating your whole self to a hopeless case. This man will never think you are 'good enough'. This is entirely his problem, not yours.

Google 'gaslighting'. That feeling of going crazy is a classic sign. Agree with others that he is very likely to be the cause of your anxiety.

You say you're happy when you're at work or around friends. Your life could be like that all the time if you get away from him.

[HumblePieMonster]

Make a list of the positive things you get out of the relationship.

Bet its a very short list.

Compare it with this one.

more and more put down by him … always ends up my fault. …when I'm having a bad day and feel down and anxious for no particular reason… disapproving... tells me off like a child…"behave"…. doesn't like me getting excited … emotional. He takes the piss out of me for my mannerisms…"he settled for me" …he'll never marry me …I'm trying too hard and being obsessive

[wineandbodycombatmakesmehappy]

But what if it's all in my head, it's not like he says "you are allowed to do this or that" I just do. Maybe I'm making myself feel uneasy and guilty and I am just taking everything he says the wrong way.

[SunnyBaudelaire]

no it is not all in your head, you wondering that is an effect of his behaviour

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

He doesn't have to say 'you're not allowed' if, at the back of your mind, you are always subconsciously checking everything you do or say against 'what will DH think?'. That's what psychological bullying is all about really. Manipulating someone's behaviour through (often unspoken) rewards and punishment. e.g. If you're a good little girl you get nice DH... if you step out of line you get the piss taken out of you. Eventually, he doesn't have to say anything.

Did you grow up in a home where manipulation or bullying was present? Would you call yourself a people-pleaser?

[Lottapianos]

It is not all in your head, although all of us who have been in emotionally abusive relationships have felt the same. Its part of the relationship that one partner makes the other doubt themselves and question their sanity. Gaslighting - Google it

[YvesJutteau]

First reaction: it doesn't matter whether it's emotional abuse. You are clearly not happy. The best thing you say about him in your whole post is that he doesn't hit you, shout at you or control you. That's not a functional and happy romantic relationship; it's a bare minimum standard for anyone who's going to be in your life in any capacity whatsoever. I'd expect that much from the milkman.

A relationship doesn't have to be abusive for you to end it. It just has to be not working for you any more, with no realistic prospect of improving. And this one ticks those boxes in spades.

But FWIW one commonly-used checklist for abuse contains

• Are you afraid of your partner?
• Do you feel isolated, bullied or belittled?
• Does your partner cut you off from friends or family?
• Does your partner verbally abuse you?
• Do you feel as if you are walking on egg shells?
• Do you change your behaviour to avoid triggering an incident?
• Does your partner threaten you or your children?
• Does your partner control the money?
• Does your partner force you to have sex or make unreasonable demands?
• Does your partner accuse you of being unfaithful?
• Does your partner say you are useless and couldn’t cope without them?
• Does your partner have sudden changes of mood which dominate the house?
• Is your partner charming one minute and abusive the next?
• Are you afraid to make your own decisions?

I'd say based on your OP that you tick at least a couple of those -- so yes, based on what you've said there's a good chance that it's an emotionally abusive relationship.

[wineandbodycombatmakesmehappy]

I guess I am a pleaser, I hate people not liking me, or being upset with me. My parents did not have a happy marriage, my father died when I was 12 (cancer). My mother was always working hard, and cleaning like a mad woman. I'm not like that I get plenty of chill out time and going out etc. But they were always arguing. I was young so don't really know the ins and outs of it and now I only have my mothers side of the story. According to her he was horrible. But a bit like I have described my DP. Funny that. When I talk to Mum about things at home, she tells me how bad things were for her and I've made my bed, she never had the courage to leave so I shouldn't either kind of attitude. I feel like I'll be letting everyone down if I break up with him. Esp the children, who are 8 and 7.

[SunnyBaudelaire]

i think you would be letting yourself down if you stay with him. I wont say anything about the children because someone else will v shortly

[Aladyinsane]

It is NOT in your head. Your feelings are totally valid. Just because it's not blatent, doesn't mean it isn't happened. There are lots of passive aggressive ways of manipulating, hurting, grinding down and controlling people. One of them is making the person feel invalid and belittled and stupid and that it's their fault. This is exactly what it sounds like he's doing to you.

You need to seriously consider your future with a man that can make you feel this way.

[Lottapianos]

Nice attitude from your mother It sounds like you have never been encouraged to value yourself or to trust your own feelings

What will your children learn from your relationship OP? Do not underestimate the effect of growing up in a home where one or both parents are miserable but grit their teeth and put up with it. And please don't kid yourself that they won't notice

[YvesJutteau]

You went out and set up home with a man just like your father. What do you think is likely to happen to your children if they continue to grow up in this relationship?

And even if that weren't the case, you don't come last, behind everyone else and their potential feelings of being let down. You only get one life and you shouldn't have to spend it feeling like you do right now.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

There are some occasions where making beds and lying in them applies, but this isn't one of them. If your Mum had such a crappy time, surely she should be encouraging you to reject the same treatment, not endure more of the same. She probably can't see past the three houses and so forth...

As this all seems to have come as a bit of a shock revelation and because LTB clearly sounds too drastic, try asserting yourself more short-term. Pursue a separate life with people who value you and who help boost your confidence. Spend less time with DH, DM and others who bring you down. If you find yourself wondering 'is it me?' come back here for an injection of back-bone. :)

[RandomFriend]

he makes me feel uneasy and stupid and not good enough

That isn't how a relationship should be.

[PoppyField]

Can I second everything that Cog has said. She is utterly sane, brilliant and succint.

Also that list that HumblePieMonster has helpfully put together - it's all abusive. All that blame, complaining about your emotions/excitement - it's all a way of putting you down and keeping you down. It is so abusive. How dare he? You are lovely - who is he to treat you like that?

What also stood out it what happens when you tell him straight that his behaviour or his words have upset you. He tells you off for that and dismisses you. I mean, come on! If anyone who truly loves you found they had upset you they would be very unhappy about that and apologise. He should care that he upset you. Instead he is showing you the opposite - he doesn't care that he upsets you. There is no misunderstanding here. You tell him how it makes you feel and he is unrepentant- it's YOUR fault!

Nasty, nasty, controlling, manipulative man. Think about all the times you are fearful of his reaction. How many times you check yourself before you say or do something? God forbid you might be excited about something.

How hard does he try to please you? Thought not.

He does think he's the boss of you. Being told off like a child - I've been there and it is outrageous.

Good luck.

[bobs123]

Cogito - excellent advice as always

I certainly believe in giving a relationship your best shot, but if your DP just isn't listening and you are getting more and more unhappy you will really have to make the move...and stick with it

Re Mums, they were brought up in a different time when in certain circles divorce was thought of as a failure and you've made your bed etc. It can be difficult to get away from that mentality. I'm sure she will support you though if she knew your mind was made up.

Re letting your DC down...on NO account think this. I stayed with stbx for 21 years because of the DC. They are both on depression/anxiety meds now -.

(Yves - interestingly I tick all those boxes except 2!)

[bobs123]

Not trying to hi-jack - just a viewpoint from someone who's been there!

[wineandbodycombatmakesmehappy]

Thanks everyone for your frank advice. I didn't want to face this and I'm going to find it really hard.

I will start by standing up for myself more and making him aware that what he's doing is not acceptable. And spending less time with him. I almost left this summer but came to the conclusion it was all my fault and that I must try harder. So it has to be for real this time or he'll never take it seriously. I have some very good friends and will keep checking back here.

I am tired of being judged and talked down to. Now I know it's not me going crazy and I have some evidence that he is not being nice I will be stronger.

No I don't want my son to grow up like this or my daughter to be treated the same.

you are all lovely and I have no doubt that you have saved a lot of people from horrible relationships on here, I see how easy it is to go o trying and blaming yourself.

[ZorbaTheHoarder]

Dear OP,

You are not over-reacting. If anything, you are under-reacting to his horrible treatment of you. How could you think that your partner treats you reasonably when he tells you that he has "settled" for you?

That is a deeply insulting thing to say to one's partner and shows, along with all his other put-downs, that he has zero respect for you.

If you remain in this relationship, not only will you become a nervous wreck, but your children will think that it is normal behaviour for one parent to dominate and intimidate the other.

Please believe that you are worth a lot better than this!

[ZorbaTheHoarder]

I meant to add: please do not accept any blame for his treatment of you. It is all him deciding that this is how he can keep you in your box.

You can try to get him to see the error of his ways, but it seems highly unlikely that he is going to change now.

When you try to stand up to him, he will just try to convince you that you are being hysterical (because this has worked so well that you have already internalised that idea and try not to express too much excitement about anything).

If he cared about you one jot, he wouldn't speak to you this way. Please keep telling yourself that the "good" times you have do not outweigh the constant humiliation that he is making you feel.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Glad you're opting to stand up for yourself. It's easier said than done, especially when there is a pattern of behaviour that keeps repeating itself. However, if you keep reminding yourself that you deserve to be treated kindly, respectfully and equally, and then reject any treatment that falls short of that, I think you would start to restore your self-respect. It will not change his attitude but it will change your response.

Have you confided in any of your friends?

[theDudesmummy]

You are NOT overeacting, this is emotional abuse without a shadow of a doubt. He IS controlling. Normal healthy relationships do not include being told how to "behave" or having your feelings denigrated. You should not "settle" for HIM, you need to get out of this emotionally controlling situation.

[wineandbodycombatmakesmehappy]

Yes my friends are very supportive and my closest do think I should leave him, I posted here for an objective opinion. And for some brutal honesty.
I know it won't change his attitude, he's as stubborn as they come.

If I tell him he's being an arsehole, he says "yeah I know" and thats that. He's always so calm and controlled, drives me mad.