Heartbroken could my husband be seeing an escort!

[MrsEc24]

Hi I have never posted on this before but I'm at my wits end, I can't talk to friends or family and really need some help.
I have known my husband for 8 yrs married for 4 we have a 16 month old child and I thought we were happy. When I became pregnant my husband seemed to go off sex and that side of our relationship and any intimacy is now pretty no existent.

I want to get our relationship back on track but a couple of weeks ago I accidentally saw some FB messages showing a conversation between him and an ex collegue it all seemed harmless enough, in fact she was the one pushing for him to call her!! She asked for his mobile no and he said he could only give her his work phone as I had access to his personal phone!

I confronted him about this and he said that she was just a friend and didn't tell me because he didn't want me to get the wrong idea! He said that he had been stupid to of done that and since I have had no reason to not trust him before I let it go.

However a couple of days ago I'm afraid my curiosity got the better of me when he left his phone on the side when he went out, he has since given me the pw for it and I wanted to see if there had been any contact between him and this woman. What I found shocked me to the core. There was a text from a no which simply said please confirm your 12:30 1hr app for tomorrow xxx this couldn't be just a routine app as who ends it with 3 xxx so I opened the thread and saw a reply saying that he couldn't make it because of work but he will make another app next week xxx.

Who could this be? I wrote the no down and googled it, to my horror it was for a escort about 30 mins away from his office! I felt sick to my stomache and couldn't believe his betrayal. There were no other messages and no trace of the no in his contact list but I had to confront him as I was going out my mind. He told me that it must have been an old text, as it was a work phone even though the phone was new it was an old sim and apparently this guy was sacked for using escorts in work time. He claims it has nothing to do with him and was shocked I would even think he could do something like that!

He was upset and frustrated at the situation as he said how would I feel if I was being accused of something I didn't do, although he agreed he would react and feel the same way, he said he was now screwed for want of a better word as clearly I now had lost all trust in him.

I truly do not know what to think, I can't even comprehend he would risk everything and I am pretty sure I would react the same way if I knew that I was innocent, but that doesn't change the fact that to have a ghost text from over a year ago suddenly appear on his phone seems pretty far fetched. I don't want to throw my marrige away but I don't want him to think I'm a gullible mug either, please help me move forward.
Thanks so much for any advice I'm in turmoil.??

[Granville72]

So he gets a 'ghost text' (so he says). But someone also responded to that 'ghost' text presumably using your DH's phone.

Was that a ghost as well?

[alongcamespiders]

Excuse typos. I have been betrayed many times in similar ways. You have a chance here to find out the truth.

[alongcamespiders]

No matter what happens now there will always be things that come up for you after this.
If 'Dieter' is any kind of decent man he will understand the distress that this would cause a couple and he would be happy to discuss this direct with you or even a member of staff who remembers the previous hooker loving staff member who was sacked.
Anybody reasonable would realise that this could wreck a marriage and would be happy to discuss it with you.
There comes a point where you and your husband reach an impasse, he can say anything g and you'll never know if he's lying of not. Cut out the middle man and get it straight from the horse's mouth.
This won't go away. The time for you to be proactive is now, stop asking your husband stuff and go to somebody else, that way your mind is at rest once and for all.

[Stillyummy]

Go to the clap Clynic and get tested. You don't know how long he has don't this for and you need to check your safe. Generally speaking escorts advocate safe sex but you can never be too cairful.

[jakesmith]

If it's been going on a while your bank statement will show sums of say £100 being withdrawn regularly surely?

Sorry but the text think is bollox, an SMS is deployed through the network to the active mast that the handset is connected to, the phone confirms receipt and that's it. Sometimes you get the same text twice on the day but a year later, no way. It might be more appealing to believe that but it wouldn't happen. Old texts may be restored if you fully restore a backup of the phone but that wouldn't falsely time-stamp them.

I would try and address the problem rather than the symptom once you've got to the truth.

[Cabrinha]

Windywinston I am in a bloody fabulous place now!
Thank you so much!

You really don't know how bad it is until you get out. I felt like I was walking on air when I finally ended it!

My XH wasn't a bad man. (well, he was, he betrayed me with prostitutes) But day to day - he was selfish and lazy but to "ordinary" levels. I was the dominant (as in more dynamic rather than bullying!) partner, he fell in with all my ideas, there were good times.

But the long term damage is awful. Everytime there's a chance to check a phone, the sat nav addresses, etc - you jump. It's no way to live. Feeling SHIT because he won't initiate sex and pushes you away when you do... I thought he had a low sex drive!!! (Ha!)
Every time he went out with his mates I'd think "is he going to see a prostitute?"
What kept me there so long was, because of my child, clinging to the lie that he'd never actually gone through with it.

It's terrible thinking it could be your fault, somehow. I was so very relieved when he cheated on his new gf. Not for her, obv! But: it was never me.

And that's the case for the OP too. It's not her fault her husband is using prostitutes. I wish her well. It's a cliché, but it's the lies that fucked my head up, not the actual betrayal of sleeping with a (paid) woman.

The PEACE of not thinking about his behaviour and bullshit was immense. Living with someone you know you shouldn't be, living without trust... It is awful, and it poisons everything.

I wish you well, OP.

[Fontella]

MrsEc24

I know in advance I'm going to come across as harsh.

There ain't no explanation for what you've discovered other than a unique, million to one, world record breaking Guinness Book of Records type glitch on this works phone your OH is using. The miraculous appearance of a 'ghost conversation' conducted by someone who was sacked for using prostitutes .. over a year ago.

Yes. Obviously. And I am the next Miss World!

I know you want to hope, pray, believe, give the benefit of the doubt, suspend judgement because of your son, life, home, family and everything you thought was built on solid ground.

But he's lying. He spouting bullshit and everyone reading this thread can smell it. The explanation he is giving you is a crock of shite. He's doing the ''I'm a totally believable trustworthy father, husband, hard working man ... that you know and love' script but there's a part of me you've just discovered and I'm going to deny it until the cows come home

OP as hard as this is .. you've got to sit down and think about this. Take you and your H out of the equation and imagine this was a friend or stranger telling you about this .. how would you react? If you were reading this thread about someone else, what would you tell them?

[Windywinston]

Cabrinha, I am so so sorry for what you have been through. I hope OP is still reading this so that she doesn't have to suffer as long as you did. I hope you're in a happier place now.

[Saywhaaaa]

I'm so genuinely sorry OP.
It's so obviously bullshit and you are so shocked you're clutching at straws and in complete denial.
The fact that he's not having sex with you, screams to me that he's getting it from someone else. The way he is disrespectfully talking inappropriately to other women shows he has a sly sleazy character.
He's shagging escorts behind your back, guaranteed. Escorts are usually discreet. Lucky for you this one wasn't.

You have given up your job and are financially dependent on him and all your hopes and dreams for the future of your family have been squashed. That is so devastating, BUT you need to face the harsh reality and deal with what is blindingly obvious before your self esteem and MH is destroyed by the lies and deceit.
Listen to Cabrinha, she makes so much sense.

[Jan45]

Sure you can recover texts deleted from a phone via the provider.

[PamDooveOrangeJoof]

Everything that Cabrinha said. Sorry OP.

[Cabrinha]

The most likely explanation is he fucked up not deleting these two, but that he has deleted others

[Cabrinha]

Oh and let's, for just one minute, believe him that he got not just a ghost text but a ghost exchange.

You saw straight away it was dodgy because it has "xxx" on it.

So did he not notice these 2 texts appearing? Unlikely, it's a work phone, he's paid to check it.

So he saw them. He apparently knows he has the phone of they guy who was sacked for using prostitutes on work time. These appear. And he doesn't at least delete them, or more likely take it straight to his boss and say "I'm not getting sacked over arsehole ex employees behaviour".

As I said above, it's the part that screams bullshit to me. On the spot reason for the dodgy texts.

[Cabrinha]

I'd be surprised if Vodafone can tell you whether that specific phone had an issue on that day with those numbers. But - yes, texts get muddled. I've had it myself. But I have personally NEVER had both the sent and received texts appear.

Be careful about email proof. I could send you a mail now from my address and simply type underneath:

--
FW: [email protected]

Dear Dieter and Cheater...

I'm really sorry to go on at you, and I freely admit to being biased and evangelical about not believing prostitute using liars!

But look, I've been there. When you think "it's just one thing and there's a possible explanation".
But it's not one thing, is it?
He's already told another woman that he has to keep his convo with her secret from you.
He's also changed sexually towards you.
So - sex, a concern.
Prostitute - far fetched, but possible (tbh my biggest alarm bell here is the bullshit story about knowing some guy who worked there even before him had been sacked. He was caught out and ad lib'd a pretty useless lie)
The previous inappropriate convo with another woman - this is FACT.

I ended up with a whole list of individual things that either could have been some odd unlikely explanation, or weren't in isolation a reason for me to end a marriage.

But the list as a whole?
And the upset and anger and resentment and desperation caused by being surrounded by lies, accepting bullshit, shit sex life making me feel awful? THAT was worth ending it over.

There is ALWAYS some bullshit lie to cling to. The XH's torn paper with massage numbers on it? On the other side was an advert for a band he said he wanted to see. That he'd never mentioned... But sounds reasonable, yes?

What you need to look at is the whole pattern of behaviour. He already encouraged another woman. So you see why it's no leap for me to think he'd lie over this?

Let him get these text lists from Vodafone. Don't back down. But be very much on your toes for the next bullshit excuse the Vodafone can't get them, or they said it lists the ghost texts too...

[Jan45]

Yes of course, wait and see.

You still need to address the lack of sex/intimacy in your relationship and also his sneakiness around texting OW. Basically the trust.

[MrsEc24]

Aaarrrghhh maybe I just don't know, but he won't be able to falsify a email direct from vodaphone confirming that there has been a problem, looking at forums it's not uncommon for texts threads to be muddled and mixed up. I'm not saying that this has happened but surely if Vodafone can email me proof that there has been a problem and it has reverted back to an older version I can't 100% know for sure he isn't telling the truth. I have no idea but I owe it to my son to at least wait until I get this information before I can make a decision surely?

[Cabrinha]

OP, I am really wary of sending you down the snooping route, I have been there and that way madness lies. Long term, anyway.

But - you said the prostitute works 30 mins from his office so presumably you have an address? Or at least a vague location.

One way that I caught my XH out, was looking at postcodes in his sat nav! Googled them, one matched perfectly to a "massage" parlour an hour away.

I'd made a quick check if I were you. Not finishing anything proves nothing, but it may well tell you that he has recently been to that location.

[Jan45]

He could get the guy to do or say anything, doesn't make it true OP, I just cannot believe a text would come through a year later and there was obviously a two way conversation taking place.

As you say time will tell, I hope you get this resolved, it would drive me crazy but your OH must understand how this looks, how many people on this thread have actually said they think he's being truthful - not many. We don't know you so there is no bias going on here, looking at it that way I'm afraid the consensus is in fact that it's been him using the phone, he definitely used it to have secret chats with some OW.

Do you not think it strange that he never mentioned his work phone had been used by a colleague calling escorts and was subsequently sacked, very strange he never told you this.

[MrsEc24]

I appreciate all your comments, he has told me that he has asked his guy to get confirmation of there being a problem, when he asked they told him that what happens is when they are having problems sometimes the phone can revert back to an old version take a snap shot then go back to the original when the problem has rectified. Now granted when I initially heard this I thought what utter bs, but he tells me that he is going to get his guy to ask Vodafone for confirmation that this has happened and has asked me to be copied in on this email. He has also asked for the itemised text and phone call bills to be given to him, It could take up to a week as they are requesting personal information. I don't know what to believe but maybe he is trying to clear his name? I guess time will tell.

[Jan45]

So true Windy, it's all very well bleating on about staying together and making it work, how do you do that when the one person who is meant to have your back is actually going behind your back.

Thank god today women have enough self esteem to kick any arsehole man to the kerb rather than having to put up cos they'd made their bed.

[Windywinston]

I come from a broken home and I'm grateful for it every day of my life, because my mother taught me to expect more for myself. Yes marriage vows mean something, but when the other person has broken them the deal is off.

[Boosterseat]

"He's not in love with another woman or physically abusing her"

^ the benchmark for relationships right there,eh?

[Boosterseat]

How about "forsaking all others" unbelievableuk or did you conveniently forget about that one?

[Adarajames]

I have had random texts arriving weeks after that were sent, so it is vaguely possible, but you do have other suspicions so not sure it helps to know it is possible. I wish people could just be honest with one another! my sympathies for you in such a horridly difficult situation x

[KeepAbreast]

unbelievableuk - and what about "forsaking all others?"