WWYD? suck up the hurt or start ww3?

[notamonkeysuncle]

Yesterday I saw a text DPs mum was sending, it said "....even xxx cant bring me down" xxx is my DD (not DPs)
I'm feeling very hurt and slightly stupid that she clearly thinks bad of my DD but has never shown it.
I want to tell DP but I know its going to cause arguments so part of me thinks its best keeping it to myself but I also feel like a boiling pot! I can hardly bring myself to talk to DP, although I know its not his fault. I'm just so hurt by his family.
We have regular days out with his mum and we help her a lot as she does us. I do feel like a fool

[NickiFury]

So do you think it's best that this not be addressed then? With the OP left feeling awkward and hurt on her dd's behalf? They may have a functioning relationship, yes but it's not going to continue that way with all this left unsaid and bubbling away under the surface.. Personally I think getting things out in the open is a far better way to deal with it. At least everyone knows where they stand then. OP can address what might be causing these difficulties and MIL can express what is making her stressed about OP's dd.

I'm from a family where no one talks to each other for years at a time over petty resentments and slights. It's painful and creates distance, just as this will do if not him is said.

At the very least MIL might be more careful about covering up her moany texts from now on.

[holeinmyheart]

Well I have to disagree with both tigermoll and Nickifury I don't think being confrontational helps with relationships.
Anyway we are not really supposed to be commenting on each other's posts.
I know you are upset notamonkeysucle but what you saw was not meant for your eyes. Stupid as your DHs DM was to accidently let you see her text, she has been nice to you and accepted your daughter on the surface.

Of course all mothers should accept anyone their children bring through the door and their inherited Step grandchildren-and any issues, without comment and with open arms. If only it was that easy, but it is not.
Your DD as I said in my previous post is not a blood relative of your DPs DM. Perhaps she is struggling to come to terms with how it is and what she has to accept.
None of my DC have step children/ Step Grandchildren, but I have close friends who have. They are frightened to say anything about or to their son's new partners or their children.
For instance, when their son and new partner comes, the new partners children jump on her furniture, they throw strops, torment the dog etc etc. my friend is too frightened to say anything. She is trying with all her heart to accept her son's new partners and her children but it is a struggle. To help her cope she offloads to me.
Unless the four year old in this case is perfect, the MIL may be struggling to love her.
What the post saw was not nice but it was not meant for her eyes. If she starts the ball rolling by confronting her MIL, it may open a can of worms and will not be without consequences.
I am not suggesting that the posts DDs is badly behaved either. I am just saying that acceptance of Step children and Grandchildren is difficult.

[NickiFury]

I agree tigermoll. It's more than an off the cuff remark after provocation. It shows something longer running and deeper than that. Most unpleasant.

[tigermoll]

tigermoll how you can call the MIL a cantankerous old witch from the OP post I just don't know

I suppose I was being a little flippant

I took the context to meant that two grown woman were having a text conversation along the lines of:

MIL: This brilliant thing just happened to me.
FRIEND: Really?
MIL: Yep, I feel so happy today that not even being with DD [who we have previously established is an effing nightmare] can dampen my spirits.

In other words, that the two of them had established MIL dislike of DD and now use it as a phrase to emphasise an unrelated point. Bit childish and unkind. And very different from letting off steam about something that DD has actually done - more just making her a punchline.

[NickiFury]

The OP also helps the MIL out a lot so it sounds like a reciprocal relationship. Yes people do talk behind behind peoples backs but most of the time we don't know about it so it doesn't hurt us. MIL got caught and I don't think I could ignore someone being mean about my four year old once I knew about it.

[holeinmyheart]

As a Mother I know anything detrimental said about my children does make me leap to their defence.
However wannabe's words are wise words. Your 4 year old is not your MIL blood relative. We all confide in someone ( don't we) our true feelings about people, events etc behind the protagonists back. IT IS BEHIND their back for a purpose.
Bear in mind that neither your DP or your MIL have shown any signs of disliking your DD. Perhaps for your MIL, getting on with your DD, is a work in progress.
By all means go in with guns blazing but you may very well not like the outcome.
tigermoll how you can call the MIL a cantankerous old witch from the OP post I just don't know.
The MIL made a stupid mistake texting so that the post could see but at the same time the post says the MIL has been helpful and they go for days out.
If it was someone in her own family or a best friend who had made the same mistake, perhaps she might find herself being more forgiving.
MILs get a rough ride on MN. Being a MIL is not the same as having one. It is not an easy relationship to get right.

[TeeBee]

Are you sure of the context though because if could equally be along the lines of 'I was so stressed out and hopping mad about x,y,z and even xxx couldn't bring me down'. I would definitely ask her though but it's worth addressing calmly in the first instance.

[NickiFury]

Look, you don't have to confront this aggressively. I would say "I couldn't help but see a text that you sent the other day saying "I am so happy even xxxx can't being me down." What did you mean? Is there something about xxxx that bothers you? Obviously this is worrying to me as xxxx is my dd."

Have you seen any other indications that she doesn't like your dd?

[notamonkeysuncle]

quite I had posted the full msg but have had it removed

[Quitelikely]

'Even xxx can't bring me down'

What does that mean? I'm confused as to why it's offensive?

[notamonkeysuncle]

wanna ive explained a few posts down how I saw the message and it was completely innocent. I wasn't looking through her phone or anything.

Maybe she doesnt like my DD, fine but dont talk about her to other family members, shes 4! I feel like im being laughed at, as though im they think im stupid enough not to of realised which in fairness I hadn't but now I'll have to sit through family gatherings with gritted teeth.

If she doesnt like her fine but what a position that puts DP now

[NickiFury]

Sat

[NickiFury]

She's already said. The MIL was texting say next to OP and her dd.

[WannaBe]

Op is your dd a particularly difficult child? As a parent the instinct is of course to protect our own children, and in our eyes our own children do very little wrong compared to in the eyes of others, ;)

It's also very easy for the mn collective to come on to a thread like this and say "unacceptable for anyone to say anything like that about a four year old child, hang, draw and quarter the woman thrice over given she's the mil."

But the reality is that some children are difficult children, and some people can find a child exasperating without necessarily disliking them. Or might even dislike a child (just because it's a child doesn't mean it has to be likeable) but be able to not show those feelings in front of either the child or the parent. But they're not wrong for expressing feelings to someone else in a private text message.

Mn is full of posts from people who struggle with other people's children and their behaviour The advice is almost always to just smile and not let on, and even distance in some situations.

It doesn't sound as if your mil is treating your dd unfairly. She hasn't said anything to you or your dp. She isn't treating her differently. As hard as it is, she is entitled to her feelings, whatever the reason behind those feelings.

As an aside, why are you reading your mil's text messages?

[NickiFury]

I'd have confronted it there and then.

[notamonkeysuncle]

scoose she was sat next to me writing the msg, DD was sat the other side of her. I was talking to DD and could see it

[ScooseIsLoose]

Sorry posted too soon but in answer I would have to say something if it was about your dd I would want to know why they feel that way

[NickiFury]

She's 4?!!!

You can't let this go, you really can't.

[ScooseIsLoose]

Why are you reading other people's texts ?

[CleanLinesSharpEdges]

In fairness to the MIL, the OP does say that she's never shown any bad feeling toward her DD.

I'd approach it exactly how strawberryshoes has suggested.

[tigermoll]

...sorry, misread - I thought that the MIL sent the text to your DP. Ignore me :)

[notamonkeysuncle]

tiger DP hasn't said or done anything. He's currently completely in the dark about his mums message

[tigermoll]

It's one thing for your DP's mother not to like your DD. The mother sounds like a cantankerous old witch, but hey, some people are just Like That.

It's quite another for your DP not to stand up for his DSD. He ought to be making it clear to his mother that he will not tolerate her discussing his DSD like that in front of him.

You need to talk to your DP calmly and find out what is going on. Don't let the threat of 'causing an argument' stop you from pulling him up on HIS treatment of your DD.

[strawberryshoes]

Might need context, and are you sure xxx was your DD and not another person of the same name?

I would have to have it out, but not in a totally confrontational way, like saying to MIL "do you and DD get on OK?" or "Has DD upset you in some way recently?" and if you are fobbed off, you can say "oh, its just that I saw your message saying..." and see what she says.

Your DP should be supportive of you at least finding out more, if you approach it with him from a point of view that you want to find out whats up and help fix it, rather than go in with HOW DARE SHE! (even though you have every right to feel like that)