Afraid to have sex after giving birth

[blingblingbling]

Hi, my dd is two months old. My dh has asked me am I ready to have sex. I am a bit scared and unsure. I dont know what to expect. Im being irrational but I cant help it :( any advice is much needed.

[NoShirtNoShoesNoService]

OP good to hear OP. How did he take it?

[BugritAndTidyup]

Oh wow cross post, good for you, OP

[BugritAndTidyup]

Don't feel you have to answer this, OP, but are you breastfeeding? I ask because I am still finding sex very painful seven months after giving birth, and after a silly panicked (OMG am I never going to be able to have sex again?) google I realised this is probably down to hormones (low oestrogen) and something that will go away once DS is weaned.

Point is, if you are breastfeeding, it's not all about giving your body time to heal and it could take a lot longer than you/he might think before you feel ready to have sex again. DH and I have had full PIV sex a handful of times (maybe 3 times, certainly not more than 4?) -- in seven months. When I think about that, I feel a bit faint, but the pressure on me is entirely self-inflicted.

He's pressuring you now after two months. What's going to happen if this goes on for five, six, seven months? I've only been able to cope with the pain of PIV sex through taking it veeeerry slowly, at my own pace. Will he give you the same luxury?

Only a dick pressures a woman into having sex when she doesn't want to.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Good for you. Don't waste your life with anyone who is selfish or uncaring. It's far too short.

[blingblingbling]

Sykadelic, your right. And tbh, I have finally taken off the rose tinted glasses. He isn't as caring and understanding as I thought. I kicked him out and havent decided if I even want him back

[sykadelic]

OP

You didn't kick him out "all over sex". You kicked him out over his treatment of you. His totally disinterest of what works for you, what is best for you, what makes YOU happy to do with YOUR body.

He needs to realise that you pushed something large out of somewhere small, there's swelling and internal trauma. Your body (both internally and externally) is trying to pull itself back together again. It will take time. Pressure to perform certainly doesn't help!

It sounds like there's definitely more to this than him pressuring you for sex, how are things otherwise?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

To me it sounds as though the current situation has brought back some bad memories and highlighted that your husband feels entitled to access your body, even when you say no. You are both very young but that's no excuse for anyone to disregard someone else's feelings - and especially not about something as intimate and personal as sex. I'm not at all surprised you're angry and disappointed.

[blingblingbling]

Windywinston, we're both 23. .

[Windywinston]

OP how old are you if you don't mind me asking? You both sound very young. If I'm right, he won't be the first teenage boy to put pressure on a girl to have sex and, sadly, he won't be the last. However, he's a father now and needs to learn to be a man not a boy.

If sex is the only issue you have then talk and make him understand. Even if you haven't had stitches, the stretching required to get a baby out of there can cause bruising and trauma which takes a little while to heal, it's not fair of him to put pressure on you while your body is healing. You're the mother of his child and he should respect you more.

You have a young baby and that can inevitably mean that emotions run high, but try to discuss this calmly but firmly. If all else is good and he has the capacity to grow up, I'm sure you'll be fine.

[blingblingbling]

I don't want this to be the end. But I don't want to look at him right now.

[AnyFucker]

Oh dear. I hope you are ok. This is obviously a massive thing for you. Sex is a massive thing when you have just had a baby.

Try to get some sleep now. See how you feel in the morning and be sure to call your mum or a trusted friend to help support you.

Perhaps now he has got the message. He should have had more respect for you. This needn't be the end of your relationship if things are otherwise good, but he does need to back right off. Obviously.

[feelingunsupported]

Don't feel bad, it's his problem!

[blingblingbling]

I have had a talk with him tonight. And it went bad. I just kicked him out. All over sex. My god, but im putting my foot down. He made me feel uncomfortable to be around him. I don't even know what im doing.

[PlantsAndFlowers]

It took 6 months for us, and my ex didn't put the slightest bit of pressure on me, that's really horrible behaviour.

[happybunny2014]

Do it when you're ready. Giving birth is a big big deal and you take time to recover both physically and emotionally. Just go with how you feel and don't feel pushed and do not feel embarrassed by wanting to stop when you tried. Let him know you'll do it in YOUR time and not his. He should respect you!

[AnyFucker]

OP, you said he is normally lovely and caring. Talk to him. But tell don't ask. This is your body, you get to make the decisions. Anything else is...well, let's not go there.

[blingblingbling]

I thought I was overreacting. I now know im not. Fuck him. He's on the couch tonight. Im not sleeping next to him.

[Coffeeinapapercup]

Sex is for mutual enjoyment and pleasure. That means yours, not just his

NOONE should be putting pressure on or telling you you are ready when you are not.

This would be a real deal breaker

[HearMyRoar]

It took me 4 months before I was ready. Usually I have a higher sex drive then dh so it was very unusual for me to not want it at all. However I had a lot of stitching and the thought of anyone going anywhere near my bits was basically horrifying.

To be absolutely honest I think if dh had been anything other then patient and understanding it would have taken me a lot longer. You need someone who you can trust to put you first right now, as opposed to thinking more about the needs of his cock. Putting pressure on you is not going to make you feel more able to have sex and you are perfectly reasonable to want to wait until you feel comfortable with the idea.

[Windywinston]

I'm really sad for you OP.

[Catzeyess]

If it was me I think I would print off tonnes of info about post pregnancy sex and give it to him. All the stuff about letting the woman decide and to take it slow etc.

Tell him you won't be considering sex again with him till he a) reads it and b) shows that he understands it

[batmanandrobin]

wow this is a confession on my behalf.. i too was scared. i decided to have a coil fitted so i knew i had removed the preg factor. it also meant i had the spec up to have it fitted so i could 'test' what movement felt like down there... it was normal!! and i was surprised. i couldn't have sex for week after fitting but took it upon myself to initiate sex so i was ready (i had 2 glasses of wine and we'd all been out for nice fam meal (dc's and us).

i waited a few months so don't know if there's any diff at 8wk. i did have a 3rd degree tear however and required lots of stitching so i thought v was abused to the max!!

don't feel pressured, sex should be enjoyable!! :)

[AnyFucker]

[PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom]

So he has form for putting pressure on you? He doesn't sound much of a 'D'H?

[blingblingbling]

I was a virgin. And didn't know if I was ready. He convinced me I was. Itffelt wrong at the time but I loved him and thought it was first time nerves