Hi,
Just need some advice please, as I'm wondering if I am being too harsh on my OH.
We've been together a year, but the past six months have been troubled as we argue a lot.
We have talked about splitting up and I have told him I don't think we'll be together in the new year because we can't stop arguing. But he always wants to try again. When I ask why, he says: "Because I love you."
We had a very unpleasant row a week ago, and he brought up that he also had doubts about us.
I have felt something was off for a couple of months and have tried to work out the password on his phone without success. We don't live together.
That night, I went on to the dating site we met on to see if he'd been online and did a search. Lo and behold his profile came up, saying "Online Today".
After 3 months of dating, at my instigation, we had both agreed to delete our profiles, which I did, and he did too. But bizarrely, before doing so, he wrote on his profile that he had met someone and would "soon be deleting his profile". Three weeks later he did.
On this "new" profile that I found a week ago, he'd used all the same details but has a different username and there is no picture on the profile - which is the giveaway, as attached/married men using the site generally have no picture.
I had to know the truth. I set up a fake profile and sent him a wink/ expression of interest. And I found a random picture online of an attractive woman that I used on my fake profile.
The next day he'd sent me a message that said "Hi, would you like to have a chat sometime?"
I wrote back asking him to tell me a bit more about himself and asked what he was looking for in someone.
My plan was to set up a meeting and show up myself to confront him.
Sadly, I couldn't hold it together. I was too upset and confronted him with the info I had, which I really regret.
At first he denied being on the site and I suggested that perhaps a ghost was operating his profile, seeing as it said "Online today".
Then he said he looked online because he was "angry at me".
When I asked about the profile he had up, with no picture, he said it was "an old profile" that he'd "forgotten about".
I said "have you messaged anyone?"
"No".
"Has anyone messaged you?"
"No."
"Are you sure? Think carefully now"
But he insisted he hadn't messaged anyone.
I said: "You might want to rethink that answer. Because I know you messaged someone today".
He didn't admit it until I told him I'd set up a fake profile and contacted him, telling him the username I'd used and describing the picture of the woman on the fake profile.
Then he said he answered the "wink"/whatever with a message because "he saw it early in the morning" when he "wasn't thinking straight and was still half asleep".
He "would never have met up with her", "has not cheated on me or met anyone from the site". It was "a mistake" he made while in "a petulant mood".
Which is why I regret spilling my guts too soon. If I'd have kept it going, I would have known for sure whether he was going to turn up on a date with another woman.
I said that on top of the arguments, I now didn't trust him and think it's time to end it. He thinks I am "being brutal" and "obviously looking for an excuse" to end it. And that it "was nothing. It's not as though I sent 'her' a photo of my di*k".
He is furious that I don't want to see him or talk about it further and thinks he can just talk me round.
He is constantly ringing, emailing and texting. All of which I'm not responding to. He just seems to assume that everything is normal, or will be after a chat!
We are supposed to be going away for his birthday next weekend to a hotel in the country to go walking. If I don't go I will feel guilty for wrecking his birthday but I also know that if I go it sends the wrong message. I don't WANT to hurt him or punish him.
But just during this past week of not seeing him or talking to him, I've felt such peace. I went out on a meet-up last night for a curry with lots of people I'd never met before and had a great time. I felt I could be myself. I felt as though I could make new friends. I am not looking for another man.
I told him on the day I confronted him that I don't want to be looking over my shoulder checking up on him forevermore. But he just says he wants to rebuild my trust in him.
I loved him once, but the constant arguing has worn me down.
He sent me a text yesterday that said: " I want to and have made you happy, cherished and loved. I will make it my continuing task to do so again, and in future, my darling."
Today he has rung me (I let it go to voicemail) and texted twice asking if he could see me. The last text said; " I am thinking about you incessantly."
I feel as though I've got King Kong coming after me. He is relentless.
What I want to know is: Am I being too harsh to want to end it?
To me it's clear: he responded to a woman online, then lied about it. How am I ever going to trust him again when I don't believe a word he says?
If you've got this far, thank you for sticking with it.
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Relationships
Caught him on dating site - bullshit excuses
suchafool1967 · 16/11/2014 14:51
No you shouldn't have waited. He's not 3. Am sure he can blow his candles out alone.
Best of luck for a peaceful future 
He sounds EXACTLY like my ex who I also caught on a dating website. He came out with all kinds of crap excuses. And the trite about 'loving' me was as vomit inducing as what your OH is giving you!
His name isn't Christian is it? 
I managed to get access to his online phone bill statements (very immorally) and saw there were reams and reams of texts and phone calls to a number. I phoned the number and SHOCK HORROR - it was a woman from the website.
You are doing the right thing, don't listen to his crap excuses lies
Thanks so much everyone for your replied. It's very hard to stomach that I've wasted a year of my life on this person. It makes me question the reality of the whole relationship.
As what else don't I know about?
Yesterday, after I had told him I was done and feeling haunted by listening to him bawling down the phone, he sent me a text a few hours later that said: "You will always be in my warmest and most loving thoughts. I hope we may be reconciled at some future date but recognise the decision will be yours to make in all probability. I truly do love you, my darling and never betrayed you (or was unfaithful) to any other woman (or man for that matter).
WTF?
I said I'd posted on a message board for advice and told him everyone without exception thought I'd done the right thing, and he said that the kind of people responding to my post would say that because they are probably bitter and twisted.
So just for good measure, I asked my sister, who really likes him and is really shocked by this news, and even she said the same as what everyone's said here.
I told her he'd begged me to go to counselling, which he would pay for, but she said to me: "Even if you do go down that route, would you ever be able to trust him again? You've had a lot of shit in your life, and if I'd had the shit you've had, I wouldn't want to take that chance of getting hurt by him again. Life is too short. I would cut your losses now."
(Not that I think I've had any more shit than anyone else - judging by these boards - probably a lot less in fact. I've just had my heart broken a lot of times - like about 10 times! But to the woman on here who's going through hell and has asked for advice on how to get over it, I can only reassure her that she really WILL. Sadly, it takes quite a long time.
Luckily I know that as I have a lot of previous experience of heartbreak and now I "know the drill", which works for me every time.
My sister is having similar issues with her boyfriend, who she also met online and she's now in the process of trying to find out what he's up to online too.
Online dating - this is the trouble with it. Too easy to just log on and contact other women for whatever reason.
Everyone has given me sterling advice and I thank you sincerely.
Cambridgechick - there is a lot more I want to say to you but have to go out now, damn it!
All I will say to everyone is that this really hurts and I feel as if I'm on a roller coaster from one minute to the next.
I may keep posting for moral support. Thanks everyone. So many wise and clever people on here. I'm so grateful for this site. I really am.
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