How can i fix my mistake - hurt my DP

[Tankisempty]

I've been with my DP for a year and living together for 4 months. Its been a pretty intense relationship, depths of feelings on both sides are way above anything we've ever felt before (both had 10+year long marriages previously) and we admit that sometime we don't handle the feelings very well and both of us get jealous, anxious and insecure. Neither of us had these issues in previous relationships, for me I guess I didnt' really care enough to be insecure....
Anyway, we've had a tough couple of weeks and my DP has been very distant. He's been getting a lot of hassle from his ex wife and issues with the kids (they don't like that i exist, convinced I'm stopping them getting back together). I tried and tried to reconnect with him, get him to talk and on Monday i had a pique of 'well if he doesn't value me, someone will' and signup to a dating website. I put up the profile and then thought nothing of it. Messages came in but i ignored them. Of course my DP found the profile as he was using my ipad (I'm not very good at lying so hadn't deleted anything....). He's gutted. Can't understand how i would be looking for someone else - i wasn't, just looking for some attention (pathetic i know). He's very very angry, very very hurt and just confused as to why i would do that. I think he's going to leave but at the moment I'm fighting tooth and nail to try and fix it. he feels like I've thrown everything back in his face. is jealous that other men would even have seen my profile and thought about me being available for dating. I'm taking his anger, apologising a lot and trying to explain. I guess I'm posting to ask what else i can do? I know I've made a huge mistake but this man is worth it and I'll do anything i can to fix this.

[WannaBe]

"come on, you all have to admit that you felt a bit of satisfaction at him being cheated on even if it was not full on cheating. Karma working." Actually, no. We have no idea about this man other than what the op has told us in her drip-feed to presumably counter the criticism she is getting for the fact that when he didn't give her the attention she wanted she signed up to a dating website.

Besides which two wrongs don't make a right.
If the op had found her dp on dating websites and he was justifying it by saying he wasn't getting any attention would people be saying "well, you've cheated on an ex in the past so a bit of carma at work there,"? I think not.
b

Only on mn is it seen that if the man cheats there couldn't possibly have been anything that might have led to it, but the woman does it and it serves the bastard right because he has a past which she wasn't a part of.

[kentishgirl]

I don't know what you can do to put this right.

I tend to withdraw sometimes, especially if I've got a lot on my mind. I've been worrying about a few things recently, not to do with my relationship, and that made me rather quiet and distant at home for a couple of weeks. DP got a bit insecure as well. What happened? He asked me if anything was wrong and that he'd felt I was pulling away from him, we cuddled, I told him what I was worrying about, I know I need to lean on him/confide in him more and that's something I'm working on, but all's good. Grown ups.

If he'd responded by freaking out after two weeks of being a little bit ignored, and setting up a dating profile out of spite/because he wanted attention from other women if he wasn't getting it for me, I'd have packed his bags for him.

But then your other half should also have opened up to you about what was making him withdraw a bit.

You are both a bit childish. Big dramas, arguments, jealousy. God, you really don't have time for all that rubbish, no-one does. Took me a while to learn that lesson. If you want this to work, you and your partner need to learn it now.

[mymummademelistentoshitmusic]

I'm not surprised his wife was 'hard work' if her twat of an ex was cheating on her. And the 'never wanted to marry her' he's a spineless twat as well.

[mynewpassion]

Not justified but a bit of comeuppance for his past cheating.

Come on, you all have to admit that you felt a bit of satisfaction at him being cheated on even if it was not full on cheating. Karma working.

[WannaBe]

I notice the op mentions that he had cheated but not with her but she mentions all she had to give up to be with him. I suspect therefore that the dp was in fact the om but op has chosen not to mention that.
This man was open about the fact that he cheated In his previous marriage. Op knew that from the outset but has chosen to be with him anyway. if she didn't trust him she presumably wouldn't have started a relationship with him, so it's a bit rich for posters to suggest that op's actions were justified on the basis of his past - a past which was not connected to her in any way.

[mynewpassion]

While it was mean, part of me is like: a taste of his own medicine for the cheating he did against his ex.

[Quitelikely]

OP

I think you wanted him to find your dating site app which is why you left it on the iPad in full glory for him to see. I think you were trying to hurt him because he was hurting you, the way to do that would have been to treat him in the same way he was treating you.

Joining a dating site was waaaay to much in terms of getting even so think that through next time you try to balance the scales.

Re his past, it's a bit if a farce that he decided to stay due to a teenage pregnancy whilst at the same time punishing his children by demonstrating to them that marriage is about cheating and being unhappy but I suppose in his own way he thought he was doing what was best by giving his children a home with mother and father. Hopefully he will have the insight to see that wasn't the right path but more like a life sentence.

I hope that you can both work it out

[DrSethHazlittMD]

Taking the OP at face value on the initial posting, if I was her partner, I'd be out of there pronto. Ridiculous unjustified behaviour on the OPs part.

Having now read the various drips and updates, the whole situation sounds a recipe for a disaster, you both seem to have a very odd view of relationships and I think the best thing all round is to call it a day and sort yourselves out independently of each other and anyone else.

[FoulsomeAndMaggotwise]

Why did he feel the need to mention them to you then?

[Ponytastic]

Thanks again for the messages a lot of them make sense. Yes I do have a lot of anger and frustration in general at the moment, my divorce hit me hard and I'm living in a foreign country with no family and a high pressure job. I don't normally react like that but I am aware that I sometimes don't make the best of choices. I think I'm in danger of pouring everything into mending this because I feel guilty about what I did, when I should be looking at why I did it.
He cheated because he never wanted to be with his wife in the first place. Married due to teenage pregnancy and then he couldn't bring himself to leave the kids (twins). They are now in uni so he left. His family have told me how unhappy he was, how hard work she was to be around and how happy he seemed with me. Happier than he ever had been. So yes he cheated but a different situation. He's very handsome and charming never short of offers. He mentioned two girls at work had asked him out and for once it felt good to turn them down as previously he would have probably met them but now he has everything he needs in a woman.

[Blu]

OP, I can understand why the stakes feel very high for you and you might panic as soon as he seems distant - the loss of your house and horses within the last year...it's a big thing.

The thing is you can't put all your worries on his back as your rescuer. You have to know that you can make yourself a stronger future. If you pin all your happiness on him of course you can never be secure, none of us can unless we know we can rescue the me, myself and I.

In moving so swiftly onto this relationship, you don't yet know that.

Maybe this is something to discuss with him, in calm and quiet?

Aldo I would want to know a lot more about his former cheating.

I don't think it is true that once a cheater, always a cheater, in fact I know it not to be always true. What is important is why he was able to cheat (in his own conscience) and whether that has changed.

[blanketyblank100]

This all sounds very doomed. Your behaviour seems to have a huge amount of hurt and suppressed anger behind it. You have lots of work to do.clearly you know this but that doesn't mean you'll actually do it... In the heat of the moment you are making choices that will get you more stuck not less. I would be afraid that you're going to do a lot of work to really love and trust someone who won't honour it. That will leave you more screwed up. The way he feels about you won't stop him cheating in the future, I wouldn't have thought. Only genuine change from him would achieve that. personally I couldn't be blown away by someone who was capable of repeatedly treating another woman like crap. I'd want to know I was with a good un regardless of whether or not he felt loved up. But perhaps that doesn't matter so much to you.

[divetastic]

I think you should take some time to try to understand why this was your default reaction to his behaviour. From what you've said it seems like you're insecure due to his history of cheating, which is fairly understandable. Do you think his distance over the last few weeks made you suspect that he was going back to those old ways and you were somehow trying to protect yourself by getting in there first?

Either way, as you know, its not rational to react like this. Even if this relationship doesn't work out, which it sounds like it may not, I think the important thing here is to try to understand what it was particularly that triggered this behaviour in you. so that a) you cope better in future with these types of situations and b) you can start to see your current relationship more objectively to decide whether it is actually as amazing as you want it to be, or if your reactions are actually being triggered by something that is fundamentally wrong here.

Are you normally someone that acts in a fit of pique quite often, hurting those around you? Or is this very out of character? If the first, well I cant advise much other than working on controlling your temper and growing up a bit. If the latter, maybe you should take this as a sign that there is something very wrong in this relationship, and you need to start listening more closely to your feelings. If you dont get to the root of what has triggered all this, you'll just end up having the same issues going forward.

Just because you love someone, doesn't mean that you're in a good relationship and should stay with them.

[googoodolly]

Why would you be with someone who's openly admitted to cheating multiple times? It's not wonder you're feeling insecure! You can't possibly trust someone who's treated another woman like that, surely?

OP, the whole thing sounds like a disaster. You fight, he becomes distant, you obviously moved in far too quickly if all this is going on on a regular basis, and then you go and sign up for a dating website. People in generally loving, happy relationships don't do that when things are tough. You're kidding yourself if you think this is a happy, stable relationship.

[Windywinston]

He has cheated on her (a lot) over the years

Well there's the cause of your jealousy and insecurity right there, it has nothing to do with passion.

As to whether your relationship is doomed, I couldn't possibly say, but it's certainly not healthy the way it is.

[FolkGirl]

Yes.

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

It's doomed isn't it

I don't know, but it's completely unsustainable. Have you even got to the bottom of why he was distant? You really both sound like a pair of teenagers and if that's where you are at then a relationship is a terrible idea.

[Tankisempty]

I wasn't the OW, he's been gone a couple of years but I am the first real relationship he's had since. The children aren't aware of any of the drama. His wife has kicked off since I've been on the scene as she always thought he was just 'clearing his head' and would be back. Thankfully his kids are old enough to realise when their mum is using them as emotional leverage but it still puts him through the mill. He has cheated on her (a lot) over the years and has admitted as much. So yes maybe I think he'll do the same to me.
Its doomed isn't it.....

[Windywinston]

I've no time for drama so this whole relationship sounds like a nightmare to me.

How can you sign up to a dating site and then forget about it? I'm sorry but this doesn't ring true, I think you wanted him to find out to create more drama, you're testing his love for you. If his children are exposed to all of this then I'm not surprised they're not endorsing your relationship. I suspect it has less to do with them thinking you're responsible for keeping their parents apart and more to do with the fact that your relationship sounds a bit of a car crash.

We're you OW by any chance? Is all this jealousy and insecurity borne of the fact you know he's a cheater?

Fwiw, I wouldn't forgive that, but I'm sure some would.

[gobbynorthernbird]

given up so much to be with him
Did you leave your husband for him?

[Ponytastic]

Op here, not sure what is going on with my username. Thanks for the replies, even the ones that say I'm awful. Yes it was childish and immature and says more about my lack of emotional maturity than anything. I am insecure in this relationship. I guess I need to figure out whether that's the relationship or deep seated in me. I actually have no idea why I did it. We've been through harder times without me flipping out like this. There been other stuff going on (selling of my house and horses as I move through my own divorce) I guess I felt that I had given up so much to be with him and when I needed some support he wasn't there. Cue fit of pique. I never intended him to find it, that wasn't the game. Beyond that, I'm stressed off my nut and made a huge mistake. Maybe it's just not the right time for either of us. But my heart is broken at the thought of life without him. And I know he feels the same. He's struggling to reconcile what I did with how he still feels about me.

[BolshierAyraStark]

Who the fuck signs up to a dating site because of perceived lack of attention from the person the profess to love deeply?

You're mistaking this for something it isn't, let him go-if you truly loved him it would never have crossed your mind to look elsewhere.

[Castlemilk]

You sound as if you're each other's 'revert back to being teenagers' rebound.

It doesn't sound like the great all or nothing love you describe - sounds like you're trying to convince yourselves it is, which is understandable when you have both had marriages that have failed - especially with children involved.

I think it's common in this scenario for people to feel a deep need to tell themselves that it's ok, because you've moved on to something better, soooo much better.

The reality is, there doesn't seem to be much real deep love there, in any sense. Getting pissed off and signing up to dating websites because his attention is on his children? That's 'deep feelings?' No it isn't - if you really had the solidity and security of proper love and care, you wouldn't have felt any need to do that at all.

I think you should both cool it a bit. Not saying you won't stay together, but I think you're both using the 'Greatest Love Of All' story to paper over lots of understandable cracks in both your lives and emotional landscapes. You've both been through a lot, maybe take some time to acknowledge it. Step back.

[googoodolly]

Ditch the bitch? I would guess, anyway.

[lordStrange]

Still trying to work out DTB .