How to be a single parent?

[Howtobesingle]

Hi,
My P of 7 years left yesterday, I told him to go if he meant all the things he said as I couldn't live with someone who didn't respect me as a person. I have a 2yr old DS. I'm just sat here still in shock I guess trying to work out what the hell am I supposed to do now. I am a SAHM so financially I am worried, emotionally how do people cope when they just want to cry but keep a brave face for their children? He hasn't contacted me since not even to see how his son is. How can he shut off his feelings like that?
He told me he only sees me as our sons mother nothing more. We had been arguing on and off like what id imagine any normal couple would with a baby/toddler who never has never slept through a night. fights mainly were about me being annoyed that he was such a slob and i didnt feel I should do EVERYTHING for him, yes I would be happy doing all the childcare and 99% of housework but if he could mange to put his clothes in the laundry basket rather than the floor or wash up a dish after himself once in a while. Maybe I am just a nagging woman , im not even sure. I think he has done a bit of a number on my self esteem and has left me feeling like I should just accept this behavior, should I?
I just cant even believe I stood up for myself like that, I'm really not sure if I should ring and say sorry?
How do people cope with the crushing loneliness ?
Sorry this is a rambling post I am quite confused my thoughts just tumbling out .

[hellsbellsmelons]

Did you sleep all night because your DS slept all night?
If so, then that is a very telling sign indeed. He feels calmer and happier with him out of the house!

You should get over £500 per month from him for maintenance payments.
Get onto CAB and find out what benefits you will be entitled to.
You may well find you will be just fine.

Well done. Stay out of contact.
The best thing right now is for you to gather family and friends around you.
Get all the love and support you can right now.

And make sure he doesn't shirk his responsibilities as a father.
He can have him for 1 over night every other weekend.
If he does have OW that will scupper their weekends.
It also gives you time to go out and find yourself again.
Don't let him dictate on this.
Of course if you don't want this then don't.

You're doing great - keep going.

[Coyoacan]

And so you should feel proud of yourself, OP. We all know how hard it can be at this stage, but it is well worth it.

[Howtobesingle]

Morning all and thanks for your replies . I actually slept all night last night!!
It is early doors so I think I'll focus today on my DS do something fun . Then tomorrow start getting all the financially side in order.
I didn't call him ! So I feel quite proud of myself . I wish he would bloody call though and show he cared but I think he doesn't appreciate me so that won't be happening.

[Coyoacan]

Well done so far, OP. There is a saying that it is better to be alone than in bad company. I was a single mother from day one and my married neighbours used to envy me because I could come and go as I pleased and didn't have to cook or iron for anyone.

Don't phone your dp. If he doesn't appreciate you there will be lots of others who do, especially your child. I can't give you advice on your financial situation, there are plenty of others here who know all the ins and outs of that.

[CharlieBee]

I agree with Llareggub about going back to work - I found something part time and it has been a god-send. It's hard fitting in kids' school stuff, packed lunches, housework etc but it's so worth it for taking me out of myself and getting stuck in to something.

But you are at such an early stage you are probably a little in shock, so natural to feel numb, raw and like you feel you won't cope. So a day at a time. Stay focused on your DS in the day and have a cry when he's in bed. I think you're right that ringing your ex would send the wrong message. If you get back with him it needs to be on your terms, otherwise you'll live in fear that one day he'll just up and leave again when the going gets tough :-(( x

[Llareggub]

It's not really a handout. It's a help while you get sorted. He'll still have to contribute to his child.

I went back to work full-time initially after I separated and it really helped me recover, I think. I later went part-time once I'd got into the swing of things and now my DCs are school aged I am full-time again.

My DCs are fine too - they adjusted really well despite us moving house and schools afterwards. My youngest is 5 now so about the same age as yours.

[Howtobesingle]

I hadn't even thought to look there, just did, thanks every little would help. I guess I would get some unemployment while I look for a job though I hate the idea of this I was always so independent working full time now I'm going to be a practically begging for handouts.
It all just feels so weird. I feel numb or raw I'm not sure. I just want a hug. It's killing me not to ring him but I know if I do it will be like I'm saying you can treat me anywY you want. But gosh if I miss him so much today how much harder will it be tomorrow. And when will I have the turning point of it not being so bad.

[CharlieBee]

Have you checked out how much you'd be eligible for in tax credits? //Www.gov.uk/tax-credits-calculator. Sorry if you have already looked at that and I'm stating the obvious, it's just that when my xh left it wasn't until I had a free half hour with a solicitor that I even realised I would be entitled to tax credits. Not that this helps with the heartbreak, but I remember that I felt so vulnerable money-wise (was also sahm when we split).

[Howtobesingle]

Thanks for the link CharlieBee. it seems like so little money !! I know he earns over 60k , so he will get to go have a nice easy life with lots of extra cash to spend on himself. That doesnt seem fair all win win for him

[onionlove]

Hi hon,
I've been separated since July, things are a lot better than when he lived here thats for sure but it takes a little time.
Be kind to yourself and don't expect too much, I'm sure you'll do a fantastic job, there's lots of support out there, especially on here!
Take each day at a time and look for the small proud moments, for me it was sorting out my finances, even things like reading the meter and getting a refund from british gas! and doing practical things, your DS will be a great comfort and motivation I'm sure
Take care x

[CharlieBee]

Hi, I don't think you do need a lawyer for the child maintenance. There's a website calculator //www.cmoptions.org which will calculate how much 'should' be paid, and then you can agree it between you (ideally) or I think there are ways for them to collect it if he's difficult.

Also I agree with a pp that you don't need just to agree the access he wants. Maybe go along with it for now while you get your head together, but say that it is an interim arrangement. In the the longer term it needs to work for your child (most importantly) but also for you and him.

Sending hugs, and please do believe us when we say it will get easier xxxx

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

Do you own the house or rent? You'll need a lawyer to agree finances for the support of your child, won't you? Or has he made you an offer you are happy with?

Assuming the op is in the uk. No she won't. Unless he's very well off CM is not dealt with like that we have the child maintainance service who will do everything for her. She phones them applies pays £20 and they do the rest

[Howtobesingle]

I don't know an exact figure but I have an idea.

[Llareggub]

Well, you might not need to. Do you know what he earns?

[Howtobesingle]

*their not there sorry

[Howtobesingle]

sorry for my random messages. I own the family home(thank god) but he has been paying mortgage since I became a SAHM.
I did not know you had to see a lawyer about getting money for DS actually . Gosh I have no savings left I used them all this last 2 years, how will i get a lawyer. I cant believe this is my life. Thank you all for replies.

[Howtobesingle]

I wonder if there is someone else. How else could someone just shut off feelings for there family like that.

[Llareggub]

Do you own the house or rent? You'll need a lawyer to agree finances for the support of your child, won't you? Or has he made you an offer you are happy with?

[Howtobesingle]

I cant handle the thoughts of having to share holidays and birthdays and having my little boy dragged from one house to another .

[whyhasmyheadgonenumb]

My ex has the DC Saturday evening - Sunday afternoon. I sit in my house surrounded by mess and love the experience of being completely alone, its so satisfying. Then I tidy up and do the shopping :)

[Howtobesingle]

we were not married just engaged so i think financially i am on my own now. Doubt there is any need to see a lawyer?

[Quitelikely]

It only takes five minutes to put them to bed though!

Don't fret, you will meet somebody else. Learn from your mistakes and start planning for the future.

Oh and don't let him dictate everything regarding access, you decide what suits you......

[Peppaismyhomegirl]

I focused on doing right for my child. In my weekends without my child a reminded myself of all the things that I love that make me me. Hobbies, dancing, drinks with friends. I began to live again, became truly happy and eventually, met someone who loves me like no one else has ever loved me. Because I found a love for myself that made sure I wouldn't settle for less again. Because my child deserved it. This is the beginning of the rest of your life.
Break the day into chunks if it is to much. So in the am we are going to xyz. I found the little victories encouraging and helped me build up to the big things. You will be happy, I'm sure of it

[Llareggub]

I'm a single parent, and I'm three years in now.

Take it one day at a time. If you are a practical sort, make a list of the things you need to do. Tax credits, for one, if you are now alone. Call them. Tell a friend, someone you can trust. The sort who will pop over and help with your DS while you cry or make phone calls.

Think carefully about what YOU want. Then see a lawyer. Educate yourself.

Be kind to yourself, and remember that you can do this - whatever it is you want.

As an aside, I'm much happier as a single mother than I was married to my husband. Life is easier in that respect but obviously in lots of ways it is harder.

[Howtobesingle]

Thanks for replies.
I should have said he was good at putting son to bed it was something i insisted on from the start, well initially it was to be bath, book, bed but he started finding the bath too hard so i took over that.
I think what i will find hard is being sat in a house all alone every evening.
He is gone for good, it was almost as if he had it all planned out. He knew what he wants to take , what days he wants to see our son 2 evenings and one weekend morning.