DH and I have fallen out over his support of his cheating friend. Wwyd?

[NoMarymary]

DH has had a long friendship with another man who confided about 3 years ago he was unhappy with his marriage (about 20 yr). 2 children 14, 19 at time of breakup.

He and his wife are consultant doctors. He has a business and she is part time. Anyway DHs friend had a secretary who he fell in love with and (according to him) did not have sex with until he split with his wife....and there goes another flying pig, but DH believes it!

I have always liked the friend and he and secretary have just got married. Initially he felt, and expressed how bad he felt about his wife but has now taken to saying she has turned their daughter against him. DD is now 21 and a graduate and I don't believe for one minute she is not her own person. She won't meet with her dad. His DS is ok with the new couple.

I got extremely pissed with DH for condemning the ex W because she has never been anything but considerate, kind and thoughtful towards him. He house sat for them and she would leave meals prepared, sends Xmas cards and gave him a gift voucher etc. imo him commiserating about the ex W just increases the DFs belief he is the victim. To me it is victim blaming and let's the DF not take responsibility for ruining his relationship with his DD.

I have refused to go to their post wedding party and frankly am disgusted with the lot of them! Originally I felt the DF was unhappy and as you have only one life then go for it but am feeling increasing dislike for him. That's awful because he is a genuinely kind man in most ways but there have been hints of his selfishness.

What is the best way to handle this? Reason with DH or just make the subject taboo. Annoyed with DH for taking such a black and white view and we are currently very frosty!

[libertychick]

Stay out of it OP. Maybe your DH resents you judging him and that's why he is getting defensive about it?

One of my closest friends had an affair and I stood by her and refused to condemn her to anyone. She had been through absolute hell in her marriage - awful emotional abuse and she has a history of past abuse. She needed one person on her side who wasn't bad mouthing her all the time. From what I observed in that situation, a lot of the gossip and condemnation that happened in our circle of friends was about people trying to make themselves feel better about how moral they are and using the story to make sense of things in their own relationship.

My DH felt uncomfortable with me defending her at times but we talked it through and I explained that I didn't want to breach her confidence by explaining in detail why I was taking her side. He accepted that just because I defended someone having an affair did not mean I was going to have one.

[stickydate65]

Just to offer another perspective on this. My H has recently (last month) left me after a long marriage for OW. We have a 20 year old DD who is absolutely furious with her dad and has turned against him, not because of anything I have said but because of HIS actions. Not just leaving me but how he has behaved since. At 20 she wants an explanation from him and to hear his side of the story, he is too cowardly to explain himself and she now sees a weak, deceitful man who she no longer respects. Since he went she has had one phone call where he didn't tell her about OW, three 'how was your week' texts and one difficult meeting with him when she expressed how upset everyone was with what he had done and his reply was 'it hasn't been easy for me either!' He won't/can't tell her why he fell for OW or why he felt he had to be with her or tell her where he is now living. I have not tried to influence her views, in fact I have encouraged her to maintain contact, I have discussed with her the thought that any action she takes now could have a lifetime consequence . But as a young adult of 20 she has formed her own views by his actions and discussions she has had with her friends who have also had parents who are separated/divorced! At 20 she is old enough to have her own opinions and accept in future that they may not have been the right ones but that is how she feels at this moment in time. I get the impression that he now thinks I have turned her against him and that is what he is telling his friends! Obviously he is doing that because he can't face up to the fact that in his DD eyes he is flawed and no longer her 'perfect' Daddy, so it must be my fault!

[patronisingbitchinthewardrobe]

If I were you, I'd get over it. What your husband thinks of his friend's ex-wife isn't really a problem for you, unless you make it so.

You are right about the daughter and the ex-wife, but how much does it matter what your husband thinks about it?

[NoMarymary]

I think DH is defensive because I am criticising his perfect friend. It's this criticism he resents. There is a middle ground where he accepts my reservations but this means accepting his perfect friend isn't!

Sticky. I am sure too the exW has not influenced the daughter in any way.

Unfortunately it is a problem for me because DH expects me to socialise with this couple and to attend their party. I don't want this to drive a wedge between us and our social life. I feel if DH could just express an honest opinion which meets me half way I could at least put on a show of socialising even if I feel a bit of a hypocrite. For his sake I would do that.

[libertychick]

Then this is about your relationship. This issue is that neither of you are willing to compromise. He is not accepting your opinion and you are not accepting his position. What you need to talk about is not the details of the other relationship but why the two of you can't seem to reach a compromise on this.

When my friend had her affair it caused ripples in several relationships. They were the first couple in an extended group to divorce and I think it made a lot of people question themselves.

[WannaBe]

But you don't actually know the facts, do you? Even affairs are rarely black and white, and reality is that you have no idea that he wasn't in an unhappy marriage or that his dw wasn't all the things he now says she is or that she isn't in fact badmouthing him to their dd. The fact is you just don't know, and the other fact is, he is no longer with his ex wife and is married to someone else. And you were happy to be friends with this man while he was still showing remorse, but now that he isn't he's suddenly all the wrong things under the sun?

Even people who commit adultery shouldn't be expected to pay the price for that for the rest of their lives. Affairs happen, marriages end, sometimes people leave for other people and move into diffferent relationships. The only people who are ever privvy to all the facts are the two people in the marriage which ended. Anyone else generally gets the side of the story depending on who is telling it, iyswim.

I would stay out of it. Lots of people do things we wouldn't approve of, but most people would have no friends if we judged people for what we perceive to be their misdemeaners.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

I just want DH to accept my feelings on the subject and not keep taking his side.....

In other words he should admit that I am right

That made me smile. I agree the friend's badwill probably is a mixture of angst over the DD's upset and the realisation his exW isn't planning to live like a nun the rest of her life.

It is not easy for your DH as a loyal friend to admit to you that his friend is behaving less well than he ought to be.

[NoMarymary]

Liberty. There is an element of truth there. We usually opt not to discuss a contentious subject rather than be able to compromise on the subject. We do not discuss politics because he is very right wing and I am middle of the road in everything. On a lot of things like housework, child care etc we agree and work together.

We've only discussed DF and the DD issue once and have not gone over it again. I'm not judging the affair side of it. I didn't like the way he did it but I accept he was unhappy and following his heart. When he was showing remorse I could gloss over the facts he had cheated and left 'clues' (an email saying to sec he loved her) for exW to find months before it came out.

On the subject of the DF I can see all sides, including the exW which is why I can't compromise on DF vilifying her and not taking responsibility for his relationship with his DD. I don't want to be forced into a position of taking sides which I think DH is trying to push me to if we are all to socialise together.

DH doesn't seem to understand agreeing with DF in the DD part is validating victim blaming.

I'll leave it a week and try to explain calmly how this affects us which is the important thing.

[diddl]

The thing is though, OPs husband doesn't know the truth of the matter!

According to OP, exW was always kind to her husband, so he should be saying to his friend "Look, that's how you see her but she was always OK to me, so I don't want to hear it".
Along with "your daughter is old enough to make up her own mind"

[pantone363]

I honestly believe that less people would have affairs if it was socially more taboo.

The general consensus seems to be 'stay out of it' 'its not our business' 'you don't know whats going on behind the scenes'.

I think a good dose of social shame might stop more people in their tracks. No matter how bad your relationship is put your big boy pants on and leave before you shag the secretary.

Now days you can pretty much do what you like and everyone will forget about it and not talk about it.

[Bogeyface]

I honestly believe that less people would have affairs if it was socially more taboo.

I totally agree. There will usually be some gossip but eventually it all gets ignored and swept under the carpet. If the devastation of affairs was recognised and seen for what it is, utter selfishness on the part of the cheater then I think you are right, more people would stop and think before they drop their pants.

[diddl]

Even if he hadn't had an affair, his daughter might still have taken against him for ending the marriage, moving out & presumably leaving her mum upset & in a situation that she didn't want to be in.

[whyMe2014]

Do you think your husband condones what his friend has done? Does he think it's acceptable to cheat?

My stbxh has turned me into the 'bitch from hell' and his family think I'm the unreasonable/evil one. He left me and the two children , he'd been with prostitutes and is now with the OW that he started an affair with on a works course. But he is trying to portray himself as a victim!

I think people who cheat are selfish, cowardly and emotionally crippled.

If someone leaves why do they think it's their right to bad mouth or try to destroy (in my husbands case) the wife. Surely they choose their path they should now be happy.

I wouldn't however, let other peoples problems affect your relationship.

[NoMarymary]

I think DH would condone anything this friend did! I don't want it to cause any further arguments between us so (in a few days) I will say what I have to say calmly and end the matter. This couple are not worth it.

I think there seems to be a lot of unexpected fallout when people have affairs and I am not getting dragged in any further.

[diddl]

People do tend to take sides.
In this case, your husband was mainly friends with the husband, so that's carrying on.
You weren't particularly friends with the ex, so there's no conflict there.

Seems to me that both husbands are making the situation unnecessarily difficult by their attitude towards the ex.

It seems that you & your husband will never agree though OP, not whilst he effectivly hero worships the other guy!

What is it that your husband is so enamoured of??

[NoMarymary]

DF is a highly qualified dr (as is the exW) lives in a huge house, has a successful business. . But mostly it is that he shares lots of hobbies and interests with DH and looks up to DH as intelligent and knowledgeable on these hobbies . DH can't turn that down lol!

[worserevived]

Two of my DH's close friends have dumped their wives for their secretaries. It's disgusting behaviour imo but sadly in his industry very common. I don't control who my DH can and can't see, and don't wish to discuss his friends' morals or lack of with him, so he is free to see them and OW whenever he wants. I personally have nothing to do with them. If we are invited to something jointly I don't go. I don't give them an explanation, I leave him to make an excuse, but I am sure they have worked it out.

OP just let it go. Have nothing to do with this man or OW, and don't discuss them, but let your DH keep in touch.

[Purpleroxy]

I think you should go to their wedding party and be the bigger person. Just because someone else has behaved badly doesn't mean you have to too. It would also lend credibility to your point that the xw has not poisoned the Dd against the father, she's perfectly capable of making her own decisions as an adult.