How do you go NC with someone? This is so long you might need a fag and a gin and a sleeping bag!

[SpidersDontWashTheirHands]

I think I need to go NC with my mother. She wasn't physically abusive (beyond the ususal 1970s upbringing!), she didn't bring home a string of men (been married to my father for more than 40 years), she doesn't turn up drunk at my house and throw rocks at the window or do anything that would get her an immediate red card. But she is awful.

She is never, has never and will never be satisifed. With anything. You give her a choice of 3 desserts, she wants a third.

She makes these asides, these little comments without thinking. For example on my wedding day she told me that it was a shame my wedding dress didn't emphasise my boobs more "because they are your only asset". The day I received the results of my first degree I called her to say I'd got a 2:1, she said "You could have got a first if you'd ever done any work". When I began showing at 14 weeks with DS1 she said "You're just fat".

When she does think about it and she screws up her face really hard she can say pleasant things like "I'm surprised that you're such a good mother" or "I love you sooo much" but it's so insencere and often followed by a barbed comment.

I have pulled her up on this in the past. She goes global. Long ago my Dad used to be the voice of reason but he has become increasingly cowed and is no longer the man I grew up with.

I have remained in contact with her so that I could have a relationship with my Dad, my sister and my niece (who all fucking live with her). My niece is 16, I think she's old enough to see me by herself now.

It sounds petty, all of it. The crux is that I think she is deeply unpleasant. You can never know which foot to dance on with her. I don't trust her. I cannot be relaxed or comfortable in my own skin around her. She lies - denies things she has said, rewrites history - and I can't stand the hypocrisy. She is manipulative and selfish. She has contributed greatly to the fact that I skipped breakfast and lunch today because I had a small slice of cake mid morning.

I want to go NC. At the moment I am ignoring her calls. Do I just continue to do that?

Do I talk to her about it? Write? Explain my feelings? If I felt that I could explain my position I probably wouldn't want her out of my life.

Do I have a big row with her? Move house with no forwardimg address - house is on market ATM so possible?

How do I deal with the fact that this will ruin relationships with loads of other people?

I worry slighly that I am unhinged and that she's actually a cross between Mary Berry and Mother Theresa.

I'm at a loss. I would appreciate any advice.

[TheHoneyBadger]

you've had good advice here lotta. i've been non contact for just over a year bar a recent forcefield failure. i relate to a lot of what you've said. if you search for threads started by me you'll find one in relationships recently talking about this - i'd read it if i were you as i think a lot of the things that were said to me will ring home for you too.

[rumbleinthrjungle]

No you're not unreasonable or bonkers. Unfortunately you sound like you've been a long established prop in her acting out her emotional issues, its an ingrained habit for her and her behaviour is in some way meeting her needs.

However you're not a prop. That you've reached the point of thinking this is not ok, it's plain nasty behaviour and you're not putting up with it, is a huge step in itself.

[Meerka]

Have a read of Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

Every time you start to doubt yourself, ask yourself if you'd want your son in a relationship with someone who behaves like your mother. if your reaction is a protective "oh my god NO", that will remind you.

The subtle stuff is the hardest to handle in some ways. I can do you one parent who was violent, hands-round-throat, screaming all night unpleasant and one parent who is civilized, but who makes comments that always leave you feeling belittled and not good enough. Yet it's hard to put your finger on why, because it's subtle. (He does say overtly unpleasant things - but it's behind my back and he doesn't know I know.) Guess which one was harder to mentally break free from.

Or to put it another way, if someone makes you feel really bad about yourself and if you can sustain good respectful healthy relationships elsewhere - that person isn't good for YOU, even if they're ok with others, and should be avoided.

[saltnpepa]

How about if you just see her three times a year? Less drastic.

[ChillySundays]

Salt has a point. You could gradually increase the time between visits. I used the DC as an excuse always a party to go to and then there were the football matches.
I have seen parents 3 times this year and won't be seeing now until Christmas.

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

Stately Homer here as well. NC with my sister since Jan '12, have not seen her since Christmas '07 and she has not met my youngest, dd2, now 6 yo.
Counselling helped me with the guilt as sister is single/no children/our parents are gone. I said I felt bad for "kicking her to the curb". My counsellor said I did not kick her to the curb; I set a boundary (to protect my mental health) due to her behavior. This helped me a great deal in validating the justification for my choice. All the blame and shame (if you want to address that, and it is not really necessary at the end of the day) is laid at her door, not mine, due to her behavior (recognizing that she chooses how she will behave). It is her, not me...just as it is your mother with the problem behavior, not you.

Imho, it is very hard, also, because we have been conditioned, brainwashed if you will, into having a well engrained habit/reflex of blaming ourselves. Any dysfunction is our fault..."What did I do wrong this time?" I used to say "I'm sorry" ALL the time, many times out of context . My mother was a bipolar alcoholic. When she passed on when I was 18, sister picked up the flag and carried on without missing a beat.

As a PP said, retraining your thought pattern is necessary. It takes time to create the positive brain circuits (as I like to think of them). The John Bradshaw books (Homecomming, etc) are helpful for positive affirmations. Healing the "inner child" may sound like some malarky, and I resisted it for a while, but it really is a helpful exercise...And promotes recovering and healing (as opposed to surviving). I do firmly believe that NC, or very restricted contact, is necessary to recover and heal while surviving is the most one can hope for while still enmeshed in the dynamic.

Good luck. It just doesn't matter what she thinks any more: "At this point, what difference does it make?" None.

[Shenton]

What I would say is do not write a bloody letter ... I did that 15 years ago and it still gets pulled out and quoted from now.

[SpidersDontWashTheirHands]

It just doesn't matter what she thinks any more: "At this point, what difference does it make?" None.

I can't put into a sentence how this has made me feel. Hopeful, protected, free, energised, inspired ... You've hit something inside me and it feels like a good thing. Thank you. I'm sorry your sister couldn't break the cycle.

In answer to salt's question I don't think I could see her three times a year. It's too much. I can't.

[Lottapianos]

You don't have to see her at all if you don't want to Spiders. Low contact works for some people, but this is about figuring out what you want and setting your own boundaries