Upsetting topic, sorry - if you lose a sibling, will you still have a relationship with BIL/SIL?

[joanofarchitrave]

I'm afraid to me this is still thankfully a theoretical question. Very sorry if it's upsetting; I'm sure it will be to some.

I saw both my siblings and their families this weekend - unusual, although we are all on good terms. It struck me that although my BIL and SIL are very nice to me, I can't really imagine them wanting to spend time with me if their partner weren't around, and I wondered if people ever manage to keep these relationships going.

[spidey66]

Both my parents are dead. My dad died 20 years ago, my mum nearly 4 years ago.

My mum (and us children) remained in contact with my dad's family after he died. Now they're both gone we're in contact with family on both sides (more with my mum's side TBH. However I'm in contact with many of my cousins on my dad's side, though many are in Ireland and a lot is via FB.)

Any other way would have been odd TBH. My extended family are interested in the whole family, not just one member.

[patronisingbitchinthewardrobe]

Yes, I like my sister in law. I'd be sorry if we never saw her.

[Staywithme]

Ill not I'll

[Staywithme]

Hi Dancing. It's a beautiful room, with en suite wet room, sky t.v, free wi fi, patio doors to a small personal garden and a spare single bed that folds up into a wardrobe, when not in use. You are made to feel very welcome if you want to stay. We only live 20 mins away but they took it for granted I was staying. They brought both of us breakfast this morning. They are dealing with his bowel problem and are determined to get him pain free.

A social worker took DHs details and will make sure he's getting everything he's entitled to. The OT is organising extra equipment, including an eletric bed and mattress. DH is even talking about coming back for respite, which I'm stunned at. It also shows how much he likes the place.

They have three sitting rooms for visitors if you prefer and will even cook some fresh food in order to encourage those patients that can't eat. All the staff, from the cleaners, to the nurses and doctors are so kind and patient.

It's such a pleasant, cheerful environment and I would advise anyone who has someone I'll to consider using them. It's not only for those at the end of their life.

[DancingDinosaur]

I've heard that about McMillan stay. Its hard to get your head around using them because of what it signifies overall, but once you've got past that, then they are supposed to be quite happy, joyful places. Which is reassuring to know. Glad they are getting your husbands pain relief sorted out properly. Hopefully he'll be able to come back home soon

[BadLad]

It certainly would. She can't move very well now but her nephews and nieces visit her every day and help her to get out if she wants to. She doesn't have children of her own.

Best to you and your DH.

[Staywithme]

That's so sweet badlad. Wouldn't it be horrible to be married so long then not be considered part of the family when your partner passes? So glad that's not always the case.

[BadLad]

My fathers brother has died, but my aunt is still very much part of the family, which is good because otherwise she wouldn't have any family at all. Mind you, they were married for fifty years. Might be different of they'd only known her a year or two, I suppose.

[Staywithme]

I'm so sorry to all here that have lost people they loved.

[Staywithme]

Thank you Stroke, your family sounds amazing.

Hi Dancing. I'm currently sitting in McMillan as my DH snores gently beside me. Turns out he had an obstructed bowel and they were surprised he wasn't in agony sooner. It meant his painkillers weren't being absorbed effectively enough to control the pain, but at the same time were causing toxicity build up, resulting in hallucinations and muscle jerks. This is the first time we've been in a McMillan unit and the staff are incredible, so kind and patient. This is the best place to sort out his pain medication and they seem to being a total overhaul in order to help with his energy and pain. Hopefully he'll be so much better when he comes home.

His family have been amazing. They've been so supportive towards me too. I really do think we'll stay in touch.

[3nonblondeboys80]

I lost my eldest sister 4 years ago. She was much older than me and her dh olderstill. We did meet up once a year for her anniversary but haven't managed this recently due to life being busy.

[LittleMouseontheDairy]

I'm so sorry for all of you who are dealing with the loss of a sibling.

My DP's wife died about 5 years ago and he is still close to her sister (and parents). As a PP said, it would have been strange if they hadn't remained close as they all cared about each other while she was alive.

I was really nervous about meeting her sister as it seemed hard for me to imagine how she could meet me and not feel emotional/ conflicted about it, given that she is seeing DP with a woman who isn't her sister. It did go well thankfully but I am due to meet the parents soon and I am finding myself projecting all over again - how will they be able to meet me without feeling very strange and upset? Obviously they care enormously about my DP and are (theoretically) happy for him that he has met me. But in practice I would imagine it will be very strange for them to see him with a woman who is having a future with him that was denied to their daughter?

However, I know it's not really my place to project feelings onto them! I suppose all I can do is be kind and friendly, and hopefully it will go well for all of us.

[2rebecca]

People tend to remarry if their spouse dies, particularly if they die young. Often they then drift away from their previous in-laws, especially if there are no young children as they then have different in-laws and you only have so much free time, plus the relationship between ex-inlaws and new spouse/ partner can be difficult.

[sykadelic]

If we had kids, there would be contact I'm sure, but they're pretty self-involved people (and admit it) so I'd probably only hear from them if they wanted something from me/the kids. That'd be in the event of either divorce or death of my DH.

If there weren't kids... contrary to cowsareus opinion, I don't believe marriage automatically makes you family. It depends on the relationship, the length of time someone has been married to the family member, whether there are any kids in the family that grew up knowing them as "Auntie/Uncle X".. things like that. So no. If DH died, I'd be forgotten eventually, same with DH by my family if the reverse were true.. especially living in a different country to my family. There might be one family member, a great-aunt that I'd stay in contact with but she's always been lovely.

Long term relationships, friendships, are the same. Some survive after the passing of the relative. Marriage isn't the situation that all of a sudden presses that "family" button, just like death doesn't immediately sever that connection. It'll probably be a gradual thing in most cases.

[Thumbscrewswitch]

2rebecca - I would imagine that in most divorce scenarios the ILs could be less likely to stay in touch because of conflicting loyalties, and if there are children involved then their own child should be facilitating their contact. It's a different story entirely where the biological relative is deceased.

[2rebecca]

I am surprised people are talking about the death of their siblings rather than divorce. I didn't see by exBIL after he and my sister divorced. I wasn't bothered. If my brother and SIL divorced I would still see her because she is lovely, but not with my brother

[LittleBairn]

My sister has a serious progressive illness, she's probably going to die young. My BIL whilst lovely is shy and difficult to get to know in 10 years I've only had 1 proper conversation with him and that was when he was drunk.
So in reality no I wouldn't if it weren't for the fact they have two young children and I would like to keep contact with them.
My parents have managed to forge a good relationship with him if anything he's closer to them than his own parents and that will continue particularly as they do a lot of the childcare.

My DH isn't particularly close to his family if anything were to happened to him I wouldn't keep contact unless we had a DC.

[WitchWay]

My Dh's sister & her DH divorced around 10 years ago & we are still in regular contact with both of them.

If my brother splits from his wife we'll keep contact with her to a minimum she's a thick manipulative bitch

[DancingDinosaur]

Thanks stroke. Sorry to hear about your brother too.

[Strokethefurrywall]

Staywithme and Dancingdinosaur I'm so sorry you are both going through this.

I hope you both have families as supportive as mine is. One of the main concerns that my parents had, was how my SIL would cope after my brother's death (she was 26, my brother 28 when he passed). My father made it clear that she was his daughter as much as myself and my sister are and are fiercely protective of her.

If your DH's families are supporting you now, I've no doubt that they will continue to do so long after.

I've often wondered what will happen if/when SIL meets someone new as I'm sure she will. I'm pretty confident that my parents will be as welcoming of her new partner as will we all, and for any children she may have, however it will no doubt be a painful reminder of what my brother never had a chance to have.

But then we're a "more the merrier" kind of family and as my dad says "it's all love!" - grief and loss can really divide a family, however if you have a strong relationship in the first place, it will always remain.

I hope all of you dealing with terminal illnesses or have lost someone have love and support

[exexpat]

I lost DH 8 years ago, and am still very much involved with his side of the family (which is large and extended - dozens of cousins etc) - partly because obviously they are the DCs' family too, but also I have known them all 25 years so they are part of my life too.

But I have always got on fine with them all - I can imagine that if relations had always been frosty, losing the living link might be seen as an excuse to drop contact.

[flashfalshflash]

To try and give some insight into the bereaved partners thinking, although obviously everyone is different.
If you are in a situation where your partner has died, as well as the grief and the challenges of coping, you majorly lose confidence in everything, and yourself. You can also feel huge guilty for being the one who is still alive when faced with your partner's family. All these things could contribute to someone drifting away, but it depends whether people can work through it and had a good relationship to start off with, as someone else said.
I know for myself that I really wanted those relationships with my in-laws to continue, for me and my kids. I was just frightened that they wouldn't want to see us or want us to be part of their family any more.

[DancingDinosaur]

Thanks staywithme. I hope they have managed to get your dh's pain under control now.
It is funny the things we think isn't it. I guess theres no point in really worrying about it though.

[joanofarchitrave]

Many thanks to all of you for posting, these are really inspiring as well as sad. I am very fond of my SILs and BILs, it's more like Wannabe says that I worry they won't want to stay close to our family, perhaps particularly if my mother is no longer around. But I'm really encouraged by these posts.

[WannaBe]

I am fortunate to have never been in this position, however my bill's (my sister's brother) died five years ago and his dw is still a part of their family afaik. I know e.g. that she certainly still has regular contact with bill's mum.

But tbh I don't think it's just about whether the extended family still maintain a relationship with the partner who is left behind but whether the partner who is left behind would maintain a relationship with the extended family.

I know of situations where a sibling has died and the partner left behind has pretty much drifted away from the family with the children and those links have been lost not because of their lack of willingness to maintain them but because of the bereaved partner's unwillingness to do so. Which in itself is incredibly sad because as I say, the links with grandchildren, nieces and nephews etc have been lost as a result. It works both ways.

If my sister died I can't imagine my bil not maintaining a relationship with our family. My aunt's partner died just over a year ago and she has stayed close to his adult dc and their children.

From a different perspective though if anything happened to my xh, as I haven't had any kind of relationship with his family for the past 2.5 years the relationship with our dc would undoubtedly suffer as that link would no longer be there.