I am being utterly stupid and need flaming

[perfectlyincapable]

Namechanged out of shame.

I am in an EA relationship, I know this but can't get him to leave and he can be really lovely most of the time.

Unfortunately DP is manipulative and I am a sucker, if he doesn't get his own way he will get angry and punch walls and go on about how I obviously don't love or care for him and how I never have, he throws past things in my face such as him spending £13000 in 6 months with nothing to show for it because its my fault somehow, my default reaction is to calm him down and apologise for everything and then he will cry and apologise for being nasty and saying he doesn't mean it and it wont happen again... I believed it for a year or so but have now realised what he is doing.

But I can't leave him for fear of him killing himself, he has history of depression and sucidal tendancies so I am stuck, I care for him so much but I dont love him anymore, I am fed up of being left to do all the housework and childcare and pay for everything too, he does work part time and I work full time, but if I say anything the above happens and the after apologising he does help out for a few days.

To complicate everything further I have got talking to a lovely man I work with, he is so nice and I feel comfortable being around him, we have spent some time together and gone out for drinks as friends and for the first time in ages I feel I can talk without walking on eggshells.

We really like each other but I can't do anything about it because of DP.

I just don't know what to do I feel stuck but I know I am being stupid as it would never work, I can't leave DP as much as I try but I also don't want to stop my progressing friendship with this guy.

Sat here in tears because I know the answer but I can't hurt DP and it will ruin his life if I throw him out, we have had a lot of fantastic times together and we have a beautiful DD who is only a toddler so I know it isn't fair on her either.

[perfectlyincapable]

Thank you 43percent I will try that, feeling a little better than earlier and I have a nice bottle of wine to help cheer me up later too.

Thank you lemonpuff I just want a year to pass already.

[lemonpuffbiscuit]

A year down the road you will look back on this and be pleased you made the decision. Just need to stay strong for a few months

[43percentburnt]

Here to hand hold. It will get better i promise.

Now promise yourself not to contact him today. Then do the same tomorrow and the next day.

Also write down all your bad memories, and write down everything bad he says from now on. When you feel weak, read your notes- remember why you dumped him.

He's a bad egg, keep strong. Xxx

[Viviennemary]

You don't have only yourself to consider but also your DD. I don't hink it's right she should be brought up in this unhappy setting. And my opinion is this. If you leave it until your child is old enough to be really aware of the situation and threats of suicide it will be beyond awful. You should start making plans to separate.

[financialwizard]

My exh was exactly the same. I kicked him out. Funnily enough he never did kill himself. Just tried to torment me until I changed all contact details and a court ordered all contact discussions through a third party or email.

Do not stay for the sake of your child, he will destroy them.

[perfectlyincapable]

Having a bad day, missing XP desperatly, stupid things like walking the dogs, the intimacy and his reactions to me when I am getting ready to go out.

I know I cant go back but can I have a hand hold to help me get over him, I'm sat in work and all I can do is think about him.

[Pandora37]

Ah sorry, posted before I saw your update. Well done! It will be very difficult over the next few weeks but hold your ground, you're doing the right thing. He may well still threaten suicide at some point in the future so I stand by everything that I said. If he's changed, well he will have to prove that over a long period of time and even then I don't think there's any going back for you. Keep strong, you can do this!

[Pandora37]

I feel for you on the worrying about his mental health but it really isn't your problem. You've given him chance after chance to try and sort himself out. You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves unfortunately.

When you do end it, if he makes any suicide threats I'd call his bluff and either ring his GP or the local psychiatric team. If he is genuinely suicidal then he can get help, and if he isn't, well it will teach him not to make empty threats. Don't for the love of god do what I did with my ex and think you can talk him out of it. You'll just end up being manipulated even more. Don't engage with him on it and don't tell him you'll be seeking outside help either as he'll try and stop you. I was actually advised to do this by someone who works in mental health services and I still kick myself now that I didn't do it. Plus it well help ease your guilt in feeling like you've helped him in some way but you'll still be in control.

I'm sorry you've had a couple of crappy relationships. I think doing The Freedom Programme is a good idea, it's all about recognising abusive traits in people and I've found hearing other people's stories comforting. I hope it all works out for you.

[PacificWerewolf]

Oh, well done, you!!

That was a massive step and took guts.
Onwards and upwards for you now.

[Littlef00t]

Yay!

He hasn't changed, you know that. He's just not being a prick right now.

Carry on, don't you feel better?

[perfectlyincapable]

Update

I've done it, I've actually kicked him out and I feel awful, he hadn't kicked off or been anything but lovely since I first posted but I just woke up this morning and knew that I couldn't carry on walking on eggshells or face waiting for another arguement.

We sat and talked I explained how I felt and he understood, didn't even argue just sat and cried with me, I feel awful because now I am wondering if maybe he has changed, normally he would accuse me of not caring or cheating etc.

Not sure what to do now, he has taken his stuff and told me he will see his DD on the set days from last times agreement.

Just sat here second guessing everything.

[PacificWerewolf]

I don't understand why you need him to kick off again before you get him out?

You 'recoil' from his advances etc - you do know that you are simply allowed to change your mind about a relationship and end it because you want to.

He shouts in your face - what more reason do you need?

You are stalling IMO.

[perfectlyincapable]

I have checked out of this relationship mentally I think, today he is still all sweetness and light, I find myself recoiling at his advances for cuddles and kisses.

I just want him out now, I am still waiting for a kick off so I have my reason but maybe now it won't happen as I think he senses my plans and is now making an effort.

This is all going to end badly, he told me yesterday that Wednesday is his last counselling session as they think he is fine now, like hell is he it was only 2 weeks ago he was screaming in my face telling me how much its all my fault that he is like this and how he ain't ever going back to his old nice self because at least now he has a back bone (all because I asked him to walk the dogs).

[HappyHalloweenMotherFucker]

if he is taking anti depressants and they are "not working" it is probably because he is not "depressed" he is simply an abusive prick of the highest order

please end it, OP

nobody should dance to someone's toxic tune they way you have been doing

you think you are trapped, but you are not

if this pillock tops himself that would be his choice..threats of suicide in this context are the height of manipulation and should be ignored entirely

if he does anything stupid, call the emergency services (police if he kicks off, ambulance if he harms himself) and let them deal with him, it is not your job to do so

[GoatsDoRoam]

There is a lot of help out there, OP, to give you a hand with the moral, and practical, difficulties of getting out of an abusive relationship.

Reach out to them.

Kind friends.
Family members you trust.
The police.
Police DV unit.
Women's Aid.
Solicitors.
Freedom Programme.
Refuge.

The list is long. You need to make the first step and ask for their help, though. They are all there, ready and able to give it to you.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

If someone chooses to treat you badly, it's not your fault. However, you have the choice to reject that person. If you choose to keep giving second and third chances knowing that they're unlikely to change, that's when it becomes a mistake.

I'm sorry you've had the bad luck to meet two nasty individuals. Don't blame yourself but do learn from your mistakes

[puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE]

He is an abusive arsehole. He is trying to control you with death threats. His life, his responsibility, not yours. GET RID.

[PacificDogwood]

MH problems/depression to NOT turn a person in to a prick. Sorry.

Go and google 'Freedom Program' if this is a pattern in your relationships.

[perfectlyincapable]

He is on anti depressants but they aren't working, he keeps telling me he is going to go back and sort it out but he doesn't, he makes appointments and misses them.

He is also having councilling but after 6 months of it nothing changes.

I'm just fed up with the false promises and nothing changing, it's to a point where I don't want to spend time with him because I am worried he will kick off.

He cheated on me back in July and I should have ended it then but again he was sorry and promised it wouldn't happen again, but a week later he was blaming me for making him feel unappreciated and getting angry because I wasn't over it, I try to forgive him but when I try and talk to him about my feelings he turns it around saying I don't listen to his feelings.

A big part of me wants to fix this and go back to how we were but a bigger part of me is just waiting for him to kick off so I can end it.


Problem is I keep asking if it is all my fault, my last relationship went the same way, all great and happy, then he got depressed and violent, maybe I am the problem.

[Quitelikely]

Ok so I see why the future might be scary, on your own with four dcs, thinking how will I meet someone else etc and that's fair enough.

However the bottom line is if nothing changes, nothing changes. You will condemn yourself to the life you have described above.

I do sympathise with your bf. he obviously has MH issues that he has not addressed but by threatening suicide he is claiming you are the only reason he's alive! I wonder if yous have some sort of co dependency in each other in that way. You can't save him, he needs professional help and if he does happen to leave and threaten death, all you do is call the police and tell them a man is threatening to end his life. They will check this out and seek medical opinion on whether his life is at risk, then he will get help.

[patronisingbitchinthewardrobe]

that sounds like I want you to stay in your current home and move out!
but get all your ducks in a row. be ready.

[patronisingbitchinthewardrobe]

perfectly, use this quiet, peaceful time to make a rock-solid plan. then his next outburst is just the excuse you need. contact womens aid, organise accommodation, make sure when he starts punching things you call the police and get it logged as well as using it as a way to get him out.

[perfectlyincapable]

Thank you all I know what I need to do, right now though he is in a good mood and I don't want to rock the boat, I think I'll wait and bide my time until he kicks off again and then I'll kick him out for good, may just need help sticking to that plan.

[PetraThePanda]

Why not let the good folk on here help you with your exit plan?

Please don't let your DD spend any more of her life in this situation. She can't change it, but you can.

[PacificDogwood]

When you feel able to you could contact WA and rock up with any number of children and find support. You can. When you are ready.

Don't beat yourself up - he is doing a great job at undermining you and controlling you. Be kind to yourself. You can leave when you are ready to seek the support and take is.

Many people take several attempt before they beat a bad habit: smokers, drinker, drug-takers etc. And victims of abuse.
Every time you thought about leaving, what stopped you? Consider ONE thing and find a solution for it - only then address the next thing.

Don't shout at yourself. You are doing what you can. Posting here is a good start.