Just want to run away

[Bambamboom]

I can't cope anymore, I don't even know where to start with the ridiculous situation I'm worrying about right now (for a while now) but it makes me feel sick and want to just crawl into a dark hole.
I have, most definitely a narc of a mil, who after moving away for a year is returning home.
We are just about to by our first house and she has ditched her plans of travelling 9 months of the year because she "misses my dd" and we will be living around the corner (only local ish place with good schools) I could have coped for 3 months of 12, but it's clear she plans to be heavily involved.
I'm not a nasty person, I'm not deluded, if usually encourage a healthy, loving relationship with my child's grandparents...but not with this woman.
She's been acting so sweet, no temper, no crying and emotion blackmail, no ridiculous demands and my dp who was so close to cutting them out because of their behaviour has suddenly forgot the hell they put us through, I feel like just because they went away for a year, all they did is forgotten and she expects to just walk back into our lives, demanding weekly visits, nagging to take dd alone, complaining about our weight, our lifestyle, my hair, my clothes, his clothes, out daughters clothes, his career, our daughters behaviour etc etc.
I can feel it all brewing, this good behaviour only occurs when she is about to make big demands.
It breaks my heart.
Makes me want to leave my dp and go home to my wonderful understanding, rational and supportive mother.
It's official, I hate my mother in law and she is going to ruin any bit of happiness we have managed to secure since her absence.

[holeinmyheart]

bam you are really giving this woman, who means NOTHING to you, too much time out of your life.. It is your duty to please yourself and be happy.
I know from your post that you are young but life is terribly short. Don't waste it thinking so much and being so angry with your MIL. She is not worth the bother.
If you can't or won't go non contact with her then you need some way of calming yourself because anger saps your energy. Energy that you could be using to enjoy other things.
Your MIL is absolutely irrelevant to you, you hardly see her. You don't have to do anything she says. Her words can only hurt you if you allow them to.
People die from having their legs cut off, not from words.
Practise keeping calm. Don't rise to any bait, don't engage. Don't let her have any effect on you. You owe it to yourself. Your mind can protect your body by refusing to think of things that upsets it.
Mindfulness might be a good course to try if you just can't bring yourself to smack her in the face with a barrel of well chosen words.

[Vivacia]

I don't believe that you need to be confrontational. Assertiveness is needed.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Bambamboom,

You do not need her to do any more horrendous stuff, she has already done more than enough damage. Your man is still very much in FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) with regards to his mother so keeps wanting to keep on trying with her. She is the human time bomb just waiting to blow up. I would remind him nicely that the definition of insanity is to keep trying the same old expecting a different result. She will never alter and you will never have peace at all as long as she is in your life in any way, shape or form. This will entail you going no contact with her; your man may still desire a relationship with her (out of probably still wanting her approval as well) but you and your DD do not have to go down that path with him.

In the UK at least grandparents have no automatic rights of access to see the grandchildren so you do not have to worry about that. Your role amongst many here is to protect your child from such malign influences.

Your MIL is a woman that you and your family unit, particularly your child, need to stay well away from. They will and do cause a lot of damage to the family unit. You must never ever let your child be alone with his mother, ever!. She will try over time to steal her away from you.

If you find her too difficult to deal with its the same deal for your both vulnerable and defenceless child.

[Joysmum]

Time to speak to your husband and explain that you whole heartily support his right to have whatever relationship he wants with helis mother but what will he do to protect you?

Explain as you have find on this thread how things make you feel and that you do not want to be drawn into an independent relationship with her yourself.

As much as your husband needs to reach the end of his tether regarding her, he needs to appreciate that he has responsibilities towards your happiness.

If you can't face up to her, he needs to and he needs to make clear the boundaries and consequences.

[Bambamboom]

She also thinks we are expecting her to leave us all their money (think she wants this so she can use it to control us & make us feel we owe her due to the inheritance she may leave behind) I've told her repeatedly to please, go and spend it all, it's her money and we don't need it. Which she ignores, because that's all she's got that we haven't.
I'd pay the half a million to never see her again.

[Bambamboom]

I seriously doubt she's jealous, the only thing she could be jealous of is that I see her son more than she does & I had a daughter. Other than that I'm the frumpy, unfit, unsuccessful failure her stupid son got pregnant.
She thinks everyone should be just like her and her husband, that we should visit daily and go on family bike rides every weekend! She's got ridiculous expectations of what family should be regardless of the fact she doesn't bother with any of her siblings or even her own mother.
A cup of tea and a chat is never enough, it's stay for dinner, stay the night, come tomorrow too, come on holiday, spend the weekend blah blah blah I don't see my own mother as much as I do her. In fact I don't see anyone as often as she tries to see us.
And when she gets told no, she throws out the emotional blackmail.
I don't know how I'm going to constantly tell her she's not having dd on her own, she's pestering constantly and making nasty comments about "grandparents rights"
This will be the thing that creates the next epi fit.

[holeinmyheart]

Sweetheart they are never going to piss off as they are your DH's Mum. Other than going NC, which you don't want to do, and I didn't do either, you either fight back or let it roll over you.
When I was young I used to feel like you but as I got older I thought to myself , do I really care what she thinks? And the answer was a definite 'no' She is still at it now and is like a wasp with PMT.
However my MIL is a wreck. She has ruined her own life. I am much more successful both in terms of my marriage and job etc than her. I look back and think she was jealous of me. I feel sorry for her, but not that sorry!
We did have one conversation before she went Ga Ga where she admitted to being jealous of me. Perhaps yours is jealous of you.
Now I have DIL's I have mourned for my own sons. The shoe is on the other foot so to speak. I like my DIL's but I don't love them like I love my own children and I don't expect them to love me either. They have their own Mum's and by and large my son's see more of their wive's family than mine. My sons have disappeared into their wives families. It is a bit painful even though I know it is inevitable. You see, I love them so much.
The old adage your daughter is a daughter is a daughter for life etc...is true.
I can't make you know what I know but it does give me satisfaction to still be married happily to her son and have successful children.
So if you want to have revenge on this woman , you have to laugh at what she says, take no notice, and live happily ever after. How old is the baggage?
My MIl is still waiting for her son to divorce me after 42 years together.
It is also likely that she is going to die before me and I am then going to spend her money with abandon. ( don't slate me please as I know this is wicked )
Best of luck and try not to worry about the future as it may never happen. Xx

[Bambamboom]

In all honesty, it's so tough for me to suddenly morph into this confrontational person, I only get like that when she's already off on one and I tell her where to shove it. But dp always ends up wanting to try again with them.
I'm concerned because I KNOW that she will return to her old ways before she moved but in a way, I need her to do something horrendous, so I can have a fresh reason for ditching her ass.
I need tranquillisers and probably counselling. Although it would be easier if mil did the counselling because she's the one with the personality disorder and I can't afford to pay for counselling right now.
Just wish she would piss off

[holeinmyheart]

wow meerka I thought your post was fascinating. Why isn't the post's DH a narc if he experienced this awful woman during his childhood?
Back to the post. She has been told by all the replies so far what she needs to do, but how do you actually change your behaviour from a mouse to a tiger?
She is going to continue seeing her MIL but she is so panic stricken that I can't see anyway out for her unless she gets tranquillisers to calm her down and counselling.
I wish there had been Mumsnet when I was young and I could have whacked it to my crazy Father and MIL and all the other bullies out there.
Come on post, have some courage, we are all here for you, have a gin and tonic and go for it.
Have we given you any comfort Bam?

[Vivacia]

Her demands? You just say, "I'm sorry, that doesn't work for us". Repeat, repeat, repeat. If she asks why you shrug and say, "it doesn't work for us". To be honest, I'd leave your husband to deal with her as much as possible.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Your DP may still want a relationship with his mother out of fear, obligation and guilt but that does not follow that you and your DD have to.

The threat to abandon need not be explicit or conditional ("If you don't do something or if you do it – I will ditch you"). It is sufficient to confront the narcissist, to completely ignore him, to insist on respect for one's boundaries and wishes, or to shout back at him. The narcissist takes these signs of personal autonomy to be harbinger of impending separation and reacts with anxiety.

The narcissist is tamed by the very same weapons that he uses to subjugate others. The spectre of being abandoned looms large over everything else. In the narcissist's mind, every discordant note presages solitude and the resulting confrontation with his self.

The narcissist is a person who is irreparably traumatized by the behaviour of the most important people in his life: his parents, role models, or peers. By being capricious, arbitrary, and sadistically judgmental, they moulded him/her into an adult, who fervently and obsessively tries to recreate the trauma in order to, this time around, resolve it (repetition complex).

Thus, on the one hand, the narcissist feels that his freedom depends upon re-enacting these early experiences. On the other hand, he is terrified by this prospect. Realizing that he is doomed to go through the same traumas over and over again, the narcissist distances himself by using his aggression to alienate, to humiliate and in general, to be emotionally absent.

This behaviour brings about the very consequence that the narcissist so fears - abandonment. But, this way, at least, the narcissist is able to tell himself (and others) that HE was the one who fostered the separation, that it was fully his choice and that he was not surprised. The truth is that, governed by his internal demons, the narcissist has no real choice. The dismal future of his relationships is preordained.

The narcissist is a binary person: the carrot is the stick in his case. If he gets too close to someone emotionally, he fears ultimate and inevitable abandonment. He, thus, distances himself, acts cruelly and brings about the very abandonment that he feared in the first place.

In this paradox lies the key to coping with the narcissist. If, for instance, he is having a rage attack – rage back. This will provoke in him fears of being abandoned and the resulting calm will be so total that it might seem eerie. Narcissists are known for these sudden tectonic shifts in mood and in behaviour.

Mirror the narcissist’s actions and repeat his words. If he threatens – threaten back and credibly try to use the same language and content. If he leaves the house – leave it as well, disappear on him. If he is suspicious – act suspicious. Be critical, denigrating, humiliating, go down to his level – because that's the only way to penetrate his thick defenses. Faced with his mirror image – the narcissist always recoils.

It is not possible to have any sort of relationship with a narcissist and if you cannot deal with her at all it is the self same deal for your both vulnerable and defenceless child. You must never leave your DD alone with his mother, ever!!. I would certainly not encourage any sort of relationship with his mother; she will use your DD as narcissistic supply.

You are right to be wary now because she is really buttering you up to do something really nasty; when a narcissist starts acting "nice" you run swiftly in the opposite direction.

Counselling for your own self may well help you as well going forward; you need to find someone who fits in with your own approach here. You need to also find a counsellor that has no bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Ignoring and batting off isn't enough. You need to find some grit from somewhere and say NO to the demands and the expectations. You mention being an adult and that's exactly what you are. But with adulthood comes responsibility and the biggest ones are standing up to bullies, defending your family, fighting your corner and demanding respect. Your MIL won't be the only bully you ever encounter.

She's a steamroller and anything other than a harsh response is going to be ignored. So start practising. .. 'NO you're not muscling in on my family', 'mind your OWN business', 'I'm doing it MY way'.

[kaykayblue]

Well as cognito says, time to give as good as you get.

If she says she doesn't like your hair, reply with "well that doesn't surprise me considering you'll go out in public with shoes like those" or "well there's no accounting for taste - I have it, and you don't". Or even a simple "you know, your "opinions" mean less than dirt to me, so it's probably better that you don't waste your breath by voicing them".

If she insists on taking your daughter out when it's not convenient, IF your daughter isn't around (obviously), you can reply with "It's amazing that you want to spend so much time with my daughter considering how much you tried to force me to abort the pregnancy".

If she comments on your daughter's behaviour you can laugh and say "you're very quick other people's behaviour considering what an epic bitch you are".

You HAVE to learn not to be scared of confrontation. Bullies rely heavily on this, but they will rarely pick on someone who will tell them to go fuck themselves. Because in reality, bullies are usually cowardly sphincters who don't know how to deal with someone with confidence.

Speak to your DP in advance and let him know that you will tolerate absolutely no shit from his mother whatsoever. You will stand up for yourself and that's that. You won't be amending your behaviour to appease this witch.

[Bambamboom]

I tend to ignore her comments when nasty, or just bat them off.
I get that everyone is entitled to an opinion, but I bite my tongue if I feel my opinion may be hurtful or isn't wanted.
She however, doesn't. Like her opinion on me keeping her grandchild, she made that opinion pretty clear.
I know I will be a mil on day, I just hope I wouldn't say the hurtful things she says & demand as much of my children as she does us. I hope I can learn from her how NOT to do things I guess, because the emotional blackmail, constant critising and manipulative behaviour is exhausting me.
She has no concept of healthy boundaries and pretends she is completely oblivious to her nastiness. She can do no wrong, ever.
This behaviour is totally manageable, in small amounts. Once a month etc, but she's already demanding to take my dd (the one she asked me to abort) when she returns, for 2 nights in a row and is already demanding we go on camping trips etc and we celebrate our birthdays away in a hotel for the weekend.
Nothing's ever small, it must always be 2 nights, a holiday, a weekend away. By the end of it, all our holiday time is spent with in laws and our weekends spent with them too.
I thought I was an adult now & that us have my own family and don't need to go everywhere with my parents..apparently not.
I can't forgive her, she ruined my pregnancy, the first few months of motherhood and the first and 2 years of my relationship with dp.
Can't believe I'm going to be living round the corner from her

[holeinmyheart]

bam you don't know it but you actually hold all the cards in this situation. You have her Grandchildren and by and large you have her son. You can stop her seeing them all if you put your mind to it.
So what can you do to prevent yourself from getting so worked up about her? After all do you really care a toss what she thinks?
You can go on a counselling course. There will be one run locally. You will get counselling yourself and it is cheaper than having counselling. It will give you the skills to defend yourself assertively.
Remember too that when your MIL says something like ' I don't like those curtains you have picked ' that is her opinion. You have opinions as well and don't you think you have a right to have them? If you think you have a right to an opinion don't you think that she also has a right to her opinion. She is not being personal if she expresses her opinions about stuff and neither are you.

You already feel tense because she is your MIL, (don't we all) so you may feel ready to take offence at the slightest idea she expresses that deviates from yours. She will feel tense as well. It is not an easy relationship to get right. Isn't there any thing positive about her to concentrate on? Remember that if you have sons then you will be the MIL to a DIL one day.

If a two year old trod on your foot accidentally you wouldn't knock them to the ground, you would laugh and forgive them. If you want a relationship between your DC and her, you can ignore every negative thing this woman says and just view her like a two year old.
The other alternative is to go NC.
NO ONE can put you through anything if you don't allow it. Don't be a victim. Relax, be yourself and express your opinions and remember that you have rights. You are in a very powerful position. Best of luck as you seem very worried.xx

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

How do you respond when she nags, complains and criticises? Do you stand up for yourself and give as good as you get? My view is that, if you are stuck with a bully for whatever reason, you must fight, fight, fight. You say you are 'not a nasty person'. Now is the time to give that a whirl.