Sex issues- some perspective appreciated

[XrayPerspex]

Hi all

My girlfriend no longer seems to want to have sex. After trawling through some posts, I thought I should answer some commonly asked questions first. Excuse the bullet point format-

We live together

Been together 3.5 years, lived together 18 months

Neither of us have changed body shape recently

No kids

The issue has been on and off for about 6-8 months maybe?

We love each other. That's not in question.

We both work very hard/long hours in demanding jobs - she is determined to make her job a success. It seems to take most of her energy. Everything she does she tries to make a success of, except, it seems this aspect of our relationship.

She has rarely (never?) made the first move

We have enjoyed a better sex life in the past

We both like a drink. She drinks more than me, and probably, I suspect, more than she should. I probably do a about 15 units a week mostly at the weekend- (she is much smaller than me)

We share the workload around the house equally


I am, as time goes on, not making an effort as it seems to lead to more rejection. The feelings of rejection I have had have really mounted up on me, leaving me quite upset and I am considering to not ever make a move again in order to avoid this. Clearly this will only make the problem worse... or will it? I don't want to end the relationship because of this.

Anyway, some perspective will be gratefully received. Am happy to answer any questions to clarify/elucidate. Is sex therapy a way forward (has anyone experienced this?), and if so, how do I broach the subject easily?

[XrayPerspex]

ah, most folks go through little patches of trouble, I'm sure. It's only the kiss of death if you allow it. I don't give up so easily.

[Abilly72]

Who can be right about this sort of thing-what I do know is that 'it is all right to cuddle' is the kiss of death-it sounds as if both are rally screwed up about this sex should never be this problem between loving couples-never

[XrayPerspex]

Had a good talk tonight.. Went much better than expected.

[XrayPerspex]

I may bring it up tonight depending on circumstances. Thanks so far all.

[toyoungtodie]

notnewbutnamechanged just to say that we are supposed to be helping this bloke not criticising each other's posts, aren't we?
I think my post was legitimate because it is difficult for women to say to someone they love, that what they do during sex makes them annoyed/ irritated and does not turn them on. I also don't know any women who have not faked organism and satisfaction. Xray says his DP has trouble talking about sex, so there is a possibility that she cannot tell him the truth.
As an OAP I personally would not reject anything (books,videos, etc) that would improve my and my DH's sex life. Everything helps.
As for approaching your partner X-ray, you have had some good advice already but a script could be provided.
I think it is commendable that you are asking for advice.

[Twinklestein]

Childbirth, breast-feeding and the exhaustion of caring for a small baby, can put even the most enthusiastic of women off sex. And if she gets any injury from childbirth, sex could be painful for a while etc.

It may be that the 12 hour days are a red herring, I worked that in my 20s and more, it never put me off sex.

From what you describe, it sounds like she has a low sex drive to start with. It may be that she was more into sex earlier in the relationship, or it may be that she felt it was required, and now that you've moved in together, she can relax.

Annarose's post was really good: I totally agree - you have to talk to her about this, & she has to be prepared to be honest with you about how she feels - is this short term thing for her - or is this how she would like the relationship to be sex-wise.

You may just be incompatible sexually, in which case, it would be more sensible to split up, unless you feel you can live with your current level of sexual activity for good.

[Twinklestein]

I really wouldn't consider starting a family until this issue is resolved.

[XrayPerspex]

sorry that was a silly thing to say-- what I mean is, we still stop using contraception, and if it happens, it happens!

[XrayPerspex]

we have discussed planning on trying to start a family soon by basically using no contraception.

[itwillgetbettersoon]

Xray - you do sound like a really nice partner. I hope you both find a solution. Not many people are brave enough to ask for help on this subject.

[XrayPerspex]

Yes, I suspect her 12 hour + days are having the most impact. It's a question of getting an alignment in priorities. Her libido is lower than mine (not hard) but it used to be good when she was less busy/tired from work, i.e. when she was unemployed for a while around the time I met her.

[GooseyLoosey]

Xray - I could be your girl friend.

There is no other man in my life and do not find DH undesireable. The problem for me is that at any given time I have a "to do" list a million items long and I lie in bed thinking of when I am going to find time to do them. I have never been hugely rewarded by sex (although I do enjoy it) and when I have other things to do, sex just seems to get in the way and at the bottom of my list of priorities.

Not kissing is not cold or intended to be. I don't really go for kissing either. Even at the heights of passion in my relationship, I have always preferred other forms of intimacy.

I have no suggestions as to what you can do about it. I doubt your girlfriend will see it as the important issue that you do as she just does not think about sex in the same way. However, it clearly is an important issue and one which you need to talk about. Get to the bottom of what she wants/needs and what you want/need. See if there is anyway you can make it work for both of you.

It was a shock to me how far apart DH and my expectations were in relation to a reasonable amount of sex in marriage. He believes in at least once a day and I am more of a once a week girl. We compromise somewhere in between. Tbh, its not the ideal solution for either of us, but as we cannot change out desires it is the best we can do.

[Annarose2014]

I agree - I suspect this girl just doesn't have a strong sex drive. Most people are up for it in the first couple of years of a realtionship, but when you settle into an established domestic routine it becomes apparent what each others sexual baseline truly is.

I suspect this is hers. She's not that bothered.

I don't think that at 3.5 years you should be expecting it to change just because of the length of time together - we're together 10 years, I am heavily pregnant and still very much want a sexual connection. Its not just about physical pleasure, its a big part of what makes us close.

I certainly think that this is a discussion you need to have - it seems you are avoiding the topic for fear of upsetting her, but with respect, thats treating her like a girl rather than an adult. She's a grown woman and should be able to deal with slightly uncomfortable conversations, particularly when they are this important.

Put it in terms of your feelings. You are feeling unhappy, consfused and unattractive. It is impacting on your self esteem. You don't want promises, you just want clarity. "I'll try harder, I swear" is a response that actually doesn't tell you anything about whats going on, so its utterly useless. Not to mention sending her into a spiral of obligation. Not a turn on for either of you.

So when you talk to her be alert for those knee-jerk responses and gently say that you are not looking for her to do or promise anything at all - you are simply trying to figure out how sex could potentially have a place in your lives together. So I guess you're looking for her to open up about how much sex SHE wants, whether she hates it during the week when she's tired from work but would be ok with a weekend....basically what circumstances she would prefer.

I think you also have to be prepared for her to hint that she never really wants it. As I said at the start, that may be a very real possibility. If you realise its a libido thing, then you may have to walk away. Life is too long to be with somone who you desperately need to want you, but doesn't.

[freeandhappy]

Esther perel has a ted talk on YouTube and wrote a book called mating in captivity - but probs more about keeping the spark alive whereas maybe there has never been much spark between you. A sex therapist? Psychosexual counselling?

[SolidGoldBrass]

I note your respective ages and the fact that you don't have children. Have you discussed having/not having children at any stage? Something that occurred to me as a possiblity, given that you use condoms, is that fear of pregnancy could be putting her off sex for the moment.

[kentishgirl]

IT sounds as though she's one of those people just not very interested in sex but the initial honeymoon period sort of got her more into it? I'm saying that because not liking kissing, not ever instigating sex, and wearing PJs in bed (unless she is 80 years old) doesn't really sound like someone hot to trot.

The only way through this is to sit down and chat with her about it. Not easy, I know, but you need to see if this is the case or if there is another reason. If she's just got a low sex drive, you'll both have to think about whether you can work round this so you are both happy. If it's another reason (could be tired from work, could have got into a vicious circle of not having sex - I know the more I get the more I want, the less I get the less I want).

[XrayPerspex]

Cajoling definitely will not help, I am sure.

[cailindana]

Unfortunately this could be a compatibility problem. You want sex, she doesn't. Neither of you is wrong but if you can't reach some sort of happy medium where you're both comfortable then this could be a dealbreaker.

You've had some really good suggestions here and I would definitely give some a try but if she isn't into sex or finds intimacy difficult then no amount of cajoling and talking will make a difference. You then have to decide what you can live with and what you can't.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

" I think it will have a knock on impact soon"

It will if nothing happens. You've only lived together 18 months but that's enough time for all the best behaviour stuff to fade and for you to start to see more of each other's real selves. It's only been a few months and I don't think you're in 'LTB' territory just yet but it's often the small incompatibilities that end up being intolerable and then you will find that, sadly, love really doesn't conquer all.

[whatdoesittake48]

Could it be hormones? I know that for 1-2 weeks out of every month, I don't want my husband near me - not even sitting on the other side of the room...

it is hard for him - but it comes down to me feeling irritable and things like my sense of smell change. I really dislike his smell. I also hate being touched and find it too intense and actually annoying.

We have come to accept this and make the most of it the other 2-3 weeks of the month.

Would she consider going on the pill because all my symptoms disappeared when I took it.

[XrayPerspex]

Thanks- life has got in the way for sure.

Rest of the relationship is great. Although if this isn't resolved, I think it will have a knock on impact soon

[Scarletohello]

Personally when I've gone off sex with someone it's because I'm feeling half hearted about the relationship. How's the rest of your relationship?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

When you first have sex with someone it's an organic, natural progression of affection. You like them, you feel comfortable with them, you want to be closer to them, the intimacy increases, you have sex, that's it. No-one would ever discuss it in advance and set out the terms .... it's all unspoken and you just go with the flow, getting to know each other better in the process.

When the flow stops and it stops feeling natural, it's a tough thing to articulate and resolve. So I think you have to go back a few steps to a point where you feel comfortable together and get to know each other again.

[NotNewButNameChanged]

It's normally at least the third page before someone turns up posting along the lines of "of course, it's probably your fault, you're probably crap in bed".

[XrayPerspex]

that's not the issue, toYoung. I believe that beyond a mastery of basic skills/anatomy 'being good at lovemaking' is about the compatibility of a couple rather than researching manuals. We have had compatibility before- it's just getting back to that point.