Narcissistic parents- why do I keep letting them upset me?

[TheysayIamparanoid]

Yesterday I veered between being very upset and feeling intense rage towards my NP. So many things I was going to ring up and say, but forced myself to wait till today, until I could think clearer. I woke up feeling calmer today, thankfully!

My sister is the golden child and they all live in the same village. Her and her family never want for anything. I used to be jealous of this, especially when I have struggled financially or when I had no support from them through cancer treatment.
Maybe they MIGHT care if i lived nearer, but then I realised that would be a much too high price to pay!

There have been far too many times when my DC have been ignored. My DD wedding was 4 years ago and although my mother came, he didn't, was too ill to travel the 2 hours (he wasn't, just couldn't be bothered)

Anyway, yesterday I saw photos of my neices wedding abroad (lots of hours of travel) And both NP were there. It was the final straw.
Its been a long time since i raged and cried as much as i did yesterday.

So today I have stopped any of that side of the family's posts in my news feed. I have finally seen them for what they are.

The thing I'm having trouble with though is how upset I still am that they don't care. I still feel like the 8 year old who, when told them I had been abused, they said I deserved it and was probably lying anyway, I remember that like yesterday.
How do I let go of being upset that they never really cared?

[Aussiebean]

. For you good to better and you op.

For when ever it gets hard.

[GoodtoBetter]

Hi Aussie! Yes, I tried really hard (too hard) for almost 2 years, but she is just incapable of normal relationships and if she ever feels slighted/insulted/excluded (mostly without reason) she goes for the kill. I can't win. The only way to win is not to play.

[Aussiebean]

Hi goodtobetter.

I am so sorry that it has come to that. You tried so hard for what? 2 years? To support your mum and have a relationship her. But for what it is worth, I know that you would have tried everything and there is nothing more that you could have done and can go forward knowing that.

Op. It is really hard to go no contact and nobody does it lightly. Everyone here gets that here and knows the pain. It gets easier with time and it will be worth it.

[TheysayIamparanoid]

Yes, NC and out of my head eventually too!

[GoodtoBetter]

Cut them out, seriously. I don't say that lightly. I have just finally come to the end of the road with my narc mum and am now NC. Should have done it years and years ago.

[TheysayIamparanoid]

Also my heart is breaking for my daughter who just found out about the wedding, she said she doesn't care but she knows what they are like because when she was about 6 she was staying over at theirs and he hit her. I told him: (excuse the language) that I would 'kick his fucking head in' if he ever laid a finger on her again- he never did

And, thinking about it, my son goes along with their 'sweeping everything under the carpet to forget it'

At least I have woken up today realising they are never going to change because they don't see anything wrong in how they are

[Aussiebean]

My husband. Who took a while to really understand why I would want to have nothing to do with my narc mum, shuts down any of the comment from people who don't understand.

He says aussiebeans mum is a really bi**h and we have little to do with her.

He then changes the subject. Next time you get that, maybe try something short, sharp and change the subject.

Like, I am very happy for you that you have come from a home where you haven't had to deal with abusive parents. Now have you seen the weather forecast.

People don't get it. They are lucky in that respect, but they can't and shouldn't try and guilt us.

[TheysayIamparanoid]

oh dear, I just posted this on facebook

How can parents justify being total dicks??
They can't/ don't/ won't!
Sometimes we just have to face up to the fact that they just don't give a shit!!
Disgusting

Am sick of keeping up the pretence that they are good people

[TheysayIamparanoid]

I've been single a few years now, all my XP were N! So have spent a long time trying to figure out why I attract them! I know now that its because thats all I thought I deserved!

[TheysayIamparanoid]

It has screwed me up for a lot of years and thankfully my DC are very forgiving for me being a crap parent when I was drinking, sober a long time now!

[bauhausfan]

Luckily, I am happily married - DH also comes from difficult circumstances so he is very sympathetic. We've got 2 DC who are always telling me how much they love me so I am lucky really. It was a lot worse when I was single.

[TheysayIamparanoid]

Sorry, X post!

[TheysayIamparanoid]

bauhausfan do you have DP/H, DC?

[bauhausfan]

I do think, though, that having nothing to do with them is much better than the held in rage/ fear/ begging for love thing that I used to do. At least you have DC (as I do) so you can get love from your own nuclear family.

[TheysayIamparanoid]

Thanks Meerka will have a read of that!

I actually feel a bit better already, its a relief to find people who understand

[bauhausfan]

I think the hardest thing is that they GOT AWAY with it. They are respectable members of society and I am the one chugging along with no family to care about me. I don't know how to deal with that really.

[TheysayIamparanoid]

bauhausfan
My dad used to say he wished h had a gun so he could shoot me

[bauhausfan]

I have often fantasised about adopting new parents. I wish there was a place where you could do that (I am 43 mind you :) )

That's v screwed up about them being foster parents! The bastards shouldn't have been allowed near any children ever!

[Meerka]

aha, here's the thread I mentioned, well worth a read: here

[TheysayIamparanoid]

Also, they were foster parents and I used to get so jealous when the children moved on, I thought they were the lucky ones..

[bauhausfan]

I was the eldest child too, btw.

[bauhausfan]

I used to have quite a good relationship with the 'golden children' but basically they went from sympathising over my and other sister's treatment by parents to minimising it, to denying it and saying they didn't 'give a fuck' and that it was nothing to do with them. it wasn't minor stuff I am talking about here, it was very regular beatings, kickings, emotional abuse and regularly being threatened at gunpoint and being told we were going to be shot (dad was a policeman).

My siblings' rejection of the truth has really hurt me and I don't feel like it is possible to have a relationship with them any more. I protected them, literally, with my body, when my dad was on the rampage but now they are adults they have denied all this as my parents give them money etc and my brother is now employed by my dad and will eventually inherit his company.

I had a good cry about it a couple of weeks ago but I try really hard for it not to get me down. Why should I let those bastards ruin any more of my life?

[TheysayIamparanoid]

I should of said before that my dad is very ill, he can't get about easily. When he was diagnosed about 8 years ago, we were told he had 2 years to live. So he is worse now and has maybe another year tops. I was planning not going to his funeral, but I guess thats not an immediate decision (I project too much!)
You're right Meerka it feels like I'm grieving now

[TheysayIamparanoid]

Yes furcoatbigknickers I agree, most people think I'm being a bitch or a drama queen

[Meerka]

you don't just 'get over it' but people from happy or happier families don't understand that, they don't have the experience. There was a thread here about just that, title was something like "AIBU to think that people go NC too easily". Might have actually been in AIBU.

Yes, it is lonely. Lonelier still when you have no one to even talk it over with. But you are right to go NC if that will make you happier and healthier.

Give yourself time and space to grieve, because you've had something similar to a bereavement; the loving family that we all want is an illusion in your case. It's really hard facing that they don't care and in fact in some cases want to think badly of you. Give yourself space to grieve over the loss of the family that you should have had but didn't. Someone suggested a rather interesting exercise on the Stately Homes thread; to write a letter stating what sort of parents you should have had.

I am sorry about your son. All you can do is state your truth plainly (while not deliberately badmouthing his father) and hope that he comes to realise the truth of it one day.