Great...another prick. Gutted.

[HappyGoLuckyGirl]

Met this guy through work, though we don't work for the same organisation. Been in professional contact with him for a couple of months now.

About a month ago we started texting and things got flirty! He said he really liked me, etc. and we got on so well. Anyway, we slept together on Friday. It was fantastic and I've really started to like this guy.

Was speaking to my friend about him and she asked to see a pic. I didn't have any so she suggested Facebooking him. I did but his profile was mostly private. There was a picture of a woman, however, and she was tagged in it. I clicked on her profile and lo and behold, it appears he is married, with a son about 5/6 and his wife is roughly 6 months pregnant.

I feel absolutely gutted. I genuinely liked this guy. And look, he's a knob. I've got to see him through work still.

I text and told him I was disappointed and upset to find out he had a family and that his wife is expecting. He replied and said he was sorry but he really liked me.

I didn't reply but felt like saying 'erm, so?! you have a family you plank!'

God, I'm still so young. But I'm so jaded.

[PenisesAreNotPink]

Sure you've done nothing wrong.

But I do have to laugh a bit at 'are we saying it's up to the woman to check' as yes, it probably is best to check if you don't want to sleep with a married man

Unless you asked him outright and he lied? I would tell his wife. Immediately.

[SpringItOn]

FFS! I can't believe some of the attitudes on here! I read the first few responses and I was

Good god, it's not your fault he's a lying cheating scumbag. His poor wife though, what a shit.

[MummyBeerest]

Happy, you have rose above this with dignity and grace.

Him, not so much. He got caught red-handed and knows his shit does in fact stink.

He is indeed a prick.

Funny enough though, if a poster started a thread saying "I Facebook'd a guy" all would be in uproar.

Oh Facebook is EVIL, aren't you an adult etc."

Cheaters had it good before Facebook.

[LividofLondon]

It wasn't your fault Happy, and how long exactly are you supposed to wait to have sex with someone before the shit behaviour of the man is not considered to be the fault of the woman anyway?!

I do admittedly do a fair amount of detective work on anyone I like, but that's because I'm nosey and am used to doing it in my job so it's second nature. I've done Google reverse image searches, Googled their name and email, looked them up on 192.com and generally had a good poke about online Try not to beat yourself up; you know what to do next time

[pursuinghappiness]

This is just a case of bad luck and nothing more. Hold your head high and make him uncomfortable when you meet next at work, I hope he feels awkward (he is deffo a prize prick OP)!

As for moving forwards, obviously he has behaved badly but not everyone would do what he has done but erring on the side of caution, just Google/Facebook future potential BFs. It is not jsut the ones who have a DW/GF but be wary of people who have no online identity. Of course some people are super cautious but most will leave a trail of some description.

[ellengeorgia]

I can't believe that MN posters are now having a go at the OP for sleeping with an MM when she didn't know he was married... do you all get that now? Words like 'slapper' and 'slag' bandied about fgs why use those words anyway.
I like the 'cockwombling frot ferret' much better!

[VanitasVanitatum]

I had this kind of situation, was dating a guy for three months, the first two months all the dates were at nice restaurants etc, he didn't even kiss me til about date four! Became suspicious because he then came to my house a couple of times but never invited me to his - couldn't find him on fb but a friend (my now dp! :)) who was good at computers managed to find him - and his long term live in partner. Haven't spoken to him since funnily!

If a guy is going to be a scum bag it doesn't matter how many expensive dinners he takes you on or how gentlemanly he seems. Op you did nothing wrong and there is absolutely nothing wrong in not being a detective beforehand! Might save you some pain though I suppose..

[Frogisatwat]

Ooh I don't know happy. .. I have looked people up in the past on fb. Not to check if they are attached but just to get a better picture iyswim.
I am glad you won't be telling his wife. You have been strong and sensible throughout. I do understand the reasons why some posters have suggested it though but the repucussions (sp) are too awful in this particular case.

[HappyGoLuckyGirl]

Thanks Henry. Previous posters commented that I should look a guy up online as a bare minimum before getting involved. I've never done it previously and didn't know it was the norm.

I don't know if I'll start doing it either. It seems sort of...sad Sorry state of affairs when you are no longer able to take people at face value.

[henrysmate]

I think you're very wise, you've been hurt enough. He made the vows it's up to him to keep them or tell his wife he's broken them. You'll be wiser for having gone through this and I'm sorry you have. Just do your bet not to let it make you bitter, there are good ones out there. Best of luck to you.

[HappyGoLuckyGirl]

Thank you for your opinions, input is much appreciated.

I have made my decision and I won't be telling her. If he wants to tell her, not tell her, carry on cheating on her, then that's his choice. I have absolutely no desire to get myself sucked into this more than I have.

I also don't wish for it to affect my career and if I tell his wife, it will come out at work.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

I would want to be told, if only from the POV of STIs endangering the baby.

Remember, you didn't ruin anything. This shitty, cheating liar did.

[Fairenuff]

I would tell the wife, without a doubt and I would want someone to tell me. As long as it's done as kindly and sensitively as possible. I would not want the poor woman left in the dark.

Very often these women have a strong suspicion that something is wrong but they have no proof and the cheater just lies to their face. It's a very cruel and deliberate selfish act.

People who cheat know they are taking a gamble and have already considered the risk and decided it's worth it. It's him that would be ruining their relationship, OP, not you. He's ruined it already anyway, she just doesn't know.

[Sallyingforth]

Happy what a sensible attitude to take. I think you will get over this very soon.

[HappyGoLuckyGirl]

Kay - absolutely not. I would never tell her. I don't think it is my place to tell a pregnant woman that I slept with her husband. I cannot be responsible for ripping that family apart.

I know how it feels and I couldn't possibly do that to someone else. I think telling the wife is a very bitter thing to do, I would be doing it to punish him and not thinking of that poor woman, unborn baby and small child.

[kaykayblue]

Sorry to hear about your bad experiences OP - but it sounds like he is not exactly a prize to be fought over - I feel sorry for his wife for being married to the fucktard. At least you had the freedom to walk away!!!

Do you think you will tell his wife?

I know there are differing opinions on whether doing so is a good idea or not. I personally think it's always the right thing to do, but as I said, opinions vary.

[HappyGoLuckyGirl]

Bitnonplussed - God. Sorry it's happened to you too.

Thanks for the supportive comments. I needed to hear that he is a shit from other people. Will make me stronger when I see him next week.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

WTF bitnonplussed that's dreadful. OP, you have saved someone...

[enriquetheringbearinglizard]

What a shit he is. Lucky you found out sooner than later OP.
Don't beat yourself up and don't let it totally destroy your trust either, there are good guys out there of course there are and now you're just a little bit wiser about seeing if they're definitely what they say they are. Chalk it up to experience and move on

His poor wife though, being with him

[TwoHeadedDolphin]

Bad luck, OP, and that's all it was. Plenty of women have lived with men for years without knowing they were being cheated on. It's not difficult to deceive someone you don't live with even after months or years of dating.

You're entitled to assume that someone who's interested in you is free and single in the absence of evidence to the contrary whether you choose to sleep with them an hour, a week or a month after meeting.

[LoveBeingInTheSun]

Op you've done nothing wrong

[bitnonplussed]

It can happen to anyone.

Because of this thread I looked up a bloke who has been messaging me OD who claims to have been divorced since 2011. Whaddya know?

Status: August 2011 - Got Married.

It can happen to anyone.

[Sickoffrozen]

I had an experience like this a good few years ago! Slept with a bloke on a weekend away and spent the next two years seeing him on and off. Didn't for one minute think he was married but his job was one that had very irregular hours and he was able to call/meet up/text most times. He used his mates flat as his shagpad when I said let's stay at yours and I really didn't have a clue!

Turns out he got married a month after that weekend first shag and slept with me for 2 years, the first two years of his marriage!

It can happen to anyone.

[Pinkfrocks]

Happy I never blamed you.
I was suggesting what you might do to help it not happen again.

I'd say the same to someone who was doing online dating and didn't know much about a guy- always google someone and see what comes up.
It's about protecting yourself. (Google usually throws up 192 as a top of the list anyway)

There are lots of good guys out there and there are some bastards. They don't come with labels so it's up to us women to get one step ahead and not end up being used by the bastards.

[Sallyingforth]

I just came back to this thread and I'm appalled at all the bitter and bitter comments. Are we supposed to hire a private detective and do an online search before sleeping with a guy?

The OP got to know him for a month before getting into bed. He behaved well and she enjoyed his company. She is single,
and believed he was too.

SHE DID NOTHING WRONG!