What to do re ex friend and wedding - need advice

[agirlcalledsandoz]

I'll try not to make this too long. Bit of background. I had been best friends with X since school, saw each other nearly every week, talked on phone etc. in 2009 she started seeing someone from work, who was married at the time he spilt with his wife to be with her. At the time I told her maybe best not get involved with him( she had never had a relationship before and was, I felt, a bit naive. Others have said to me no she knew what she was doing etc. her now DP is very domineering, brash and inappropriate, totally overpowers her to the point where she barely speaks and gazes at him adoringly. As soon as they got together our friendship deteriorated, every time we met up either he would be there or she would dash off to meet him after an hour or so. Then started ignoring my texts and calls, barely saw her and when I did couldn't speak to her. After about 18 months of this and when I would text/call her asking to meet up she would ignore me, not even get back to say no. I decided to just leave it, I thought if she contacts me then ok but I'm not contacting her. She also dropped our other mutual friends, all of who felt the same about her DP as I did.

So needless to say I didn't hear from her

About a year ago she got engaged to her DP and at the time he sent a mutual male friend if ours an abusive message on Facebook saying he knew they'd had a thing together ( a few kisses 12 years ago) and did he fuck her at that time u felt a bad for X, thinking maybe she needed a friend so I sent her a message but as usual for no reply.

Last night she messaged me asking if I'll be her bridesmaid, I haven't seen her for 2 years and not so much as a text message since then. To me, the friendship is over and I was ok with that but this has brought it all back to me. I don't really want to go to the wedding, never mind be bridesmaid but I feel torn, don't know what to do really, looking for some advice from the outside really. My DH thinks she is just using me as she wants a bridesmaid.

[simontowers2]

Personally, i would say no, you haven't seen her for two years and you can cast iron guarantee 100 pc that you wont see her again after the wedding. Doubtless the wedding itself would also be hideous as this bell end bloke of hers will be giving you grief as he will see you as a threat (given that you knew her pre-being-abused-by-him). You don't owe her anything (as harsh as that sounds). She binned you off just because she had snared (sp?) a bloke. They both sound quite pitiful.

[scarletoconnor]

I think if you decline and tell her why, but she's not ready to hear it yet she will be angry with you and cut all contacts again.
This will be no good in the long run if and when she comes to her senses and realises she is completely isolated from everyone she trusts.

Personally I would agree as a way back into the friendship. You will have a few months of wedding prep where you can try to tactfully to test the waters with regards to her partner and their relationship.

You said he was her first bf so she needs realise this is not a healthy relationship, she obviously knows no different.

If you get the impression she is not ready to hear it yet I'd probably still be bridesmaid in order to keep avenues of friendship and communication open. If you say no and lose touch as a result she has just lost a lifeline

[agirlcalledsandoz]

I'm going to decline but say it's because of the no contact, won't say anything bad about her DP. He wouldn't give me grief at the wedding as he's too smart for that. He's nice as pie to my face.

If she falls out with me forever that's up to her, as PP said won't make any practical difference anyway

[agirlcalledsandoz]

Simontowers I am worried you are right

[Bogeyface]

I would say yes but only to make sure I got plenty of time alone with her to try and see if she really is happy or if she is being pushed into this by him.

[daisychain01]

sandoz having read the whole situation about your friend, the distance between you in recent years, and the massive fly-in-the-ointment of her DP, I wouldn't over-invest in the situation if I were you.

Your DF has dropped you and her other friends like a hot brick over someone who sounds like a complete arse. It does feel like she has crooked her little finger and you are off running to her in the hope of rekindling a friendship that is dead in the water.

You sound like too much of a good friend to invest in giving your attention to someone who is an adult and has made her choice of partner. And you have been off her agenda for a ling time.

Imagine after the wedding...you wont be able to keep the friendship going because of that "fly" still buzzing around. Maybe spray him with some fly killer!

[agirlcalledsandoz]

True, the last time I saw her was when she came to see my then baby DD -who was 6 months old at the time. She didn't even send me a card when I had her and that sticks in my head. Previous to that u hadn't seen her for about a year and a half maybe so not through my pregnancy or anything. I feel like that was the biggest thing that happened to me but she wasn't interested yet she expects me to do this for her.

[agirlcalledsandoz]

Daisychain01 I liked your post and agree with it, Do you think I should meet her ? DH says no friendship over and I have come to terms with it so why start all over again for her to do this again when she got what she wanted.

[daisychain01]

Sandoz, your DH sounds a very grounded person! My thoughts exactly. I would just let it slip in terms of contact, and you will probably find your DF won't contact you again either. That seems to be a familiar pattern, please dont expose yourself to further hurt by her.

What strikes me most is that there seems no investment on her side, it's all give on your side and nothing in return. I personally feel it is inappropriate of her to ask you to be her bridesmaid. It tends to be taken on by someone with a close bond with the Bride and she seems incapable of creating the bond that you naturally feel is important in a friendship.

Sometimes old friendships are difficult to lapse, because of the shared history, but it seems this one may have run its course.

[BlameItOnTheBogey]

agirl I am going to go against the grain here. My sister married a guy who was abusive. It was a car crash we all saw coming. Much of the same behavior you have seen, isolating her from friends and family etc. We all worried a lot about what to do about it, how to talk to her about it, whether (and how) to support her choices. It was a terrible time. But we did support her and keep reaching out to her even when there was little response.

Inevitably, things played out as we thought they would. He was awful and she was miserable. Eventually, she reached back to us and admitted how awful things were. We were able to support her to leave. She says now that she knew it was awful at the time but she also knew that there is no way she could have taken this message from anyone else. And had we criticized him - and the relationship as others close to her did - she wouldn't have felt able to ask for help when she needed it. She often says how grateful she is that we kept plugging away and keeping in touch and letting her know we loved her.

I dunno. It's a tough call. But being a good friend often means being there for someone even if they don't think they want you there. I'd say yes to being a bridesmaid and I'd do everything I could to be there for her when it went wrong. This might not be the best approach but it is worth considering.

[wafflyversatile]

I wouldn't say yes out of any hopes of rekindling the friendship, not at this time anyway.

I would perhaps suggest you meet up as you haven't seen each other for so long and talk about you being bridesmaid. Then when you meet tell her you won't and voice your concerns. I suspect she's asked you because she has no friends currently in her life. the wedding must have the appearance of being all in order. Who doesn't have a bridesmaid at their wedding? (obvs some people don't but appearances are important in some abusive relationships) So explain that you can't but that if she changes her mind about getting married or ever wants to escape your door is open.

[Bogeyface]

BlameitontheBogey has it right.

You dont have to agree with what she is doing, but still be a support to her.

This man has red flags all over him. Abusive men are clever, sneaky and poisonous. You think she has dropped you because thats all you can see. Isolation is often the very first thing an abuser will do, it will either be "You dont need them now you have me!" or "They are no good for you but you couldnt see it, I am saving you from them". And then, gradually, the other abuse starts.

By saying "fuck her, she dumped me" you are playing into his hands. At worst she only wants someone to be pretty on the photos and it hasnt cost you anything. At best, you are the person she knows she can come to even after years of little contact, when she has finally come to realisation of the man he is.

[Bogeyface]

I really cant stress enough how important it is when you are being abused to know that there is someone that you could talk to if you needed to.

People who have no experience of abuse are thinking "but she wouldnt be marrying him if he is abusive, and if he is then more fool her!". But it isnt that simple, it really isnt.

[wafflyversatile]

I'm really surprised to see people saying that here considering all the threads on abusive relationships every day.

[agirlcalledsandoz]

She doesn't feel she is bring abused (yet) she'll be happy.

I'm going to tell her in light of the whole no contact I don't feel I can be her bridesmaid and wish her well but let her know I'll be there for her if she needs me.

[agirlcalledsandoz]

Update - we had arranged to meet tomorrow to talk things over but she just cancelled. Says she feels too awkward. Don't know why I bothered, but I suppose that tells me all I need to know

[sonjadog]

She feels to awkward to meet you but would be okay with you turned up as a bridesmaid at her wedding??

At least you tried to make contact.

[Egghead68]

I was going to say that I wouldn't reply to the text message but I see you did.

Very weird that she asked you to be her bridesmaid. I wouldn't do it.

[pictish]

Yes...now you know. x

[EvaBeaversProtege]

It's too awkward to meet but not for you to rock up as a bridesmaid?

I'd say she knew you were maybe going to have an honest chat with her,

Did you ask her what she means by "too awkward"?

[BeCool]

ah well there is your answer - if she feels too awkward to meet you for a coffee/drink, how on earth can she expect you to be her bridesmaid?

It seems that feeling awkward is the least of her worries - very sad.

[agirlcalledsandoz]

She said given what I said she feels too awkward to meet up

I said I wouldn't be able to be bridesmaid as given that we haven't been close these last few years I wouldn't feel comfortable doing it. She said sorry she hadn't been in touch but still wanted to meet up. Then text me this afternoon saying she had been thinking about what I said last week and she feels too awkward to meet up so we can take a rain check and sort something out later (never)

If she does I'm not meeting her. I've had it.

[Clutterbugsmum]

Well there your answer.

I let her know that you are there for her should she need you, but nothing else.

If she feels to awkward to meet for coffee how the hell does she think she is going to feel with you as her bridesmaid.

[eddielizzard]

yeah maybe one day she'll ltb and contact you again. you can't force yourself on her. shame.

[GrapefruitAndCucumberLoveThem]

It's so hard to tell people the truth. If you admit how bad it is people just say leave him leave him! and you need to figure it all out in your head first.