Desperately need help to save my marriage with 9 week old baby

[simba86]

Hi everyone.

I am going through a really difficult situation at the moment and really don't know what to do.

My wife and I (married for 3 years, together for nearly 10) are in our late 20's. We are privileged to be blessed with the most beautiful baby girl who is just over 9 weeks old, and we had been trying for 2 years for a baby. We love each other and consider each other true soul mates. Our lives are very settled and we have alot to thankful for.

But we have a major issue which has come to its head now and is now looking likely to cause the break up of our marriage.

My wife has had problems with the way my mother behaves towards us and her. She feels that over the past 10 years have been numerous occasions where my mother has been manipulative and spiteful towards her. I am an only child who has a close relationship with both my parents. We have lived for the past 10 years some two hours drive away from them and slowly over time our communication and visits to them have disappeared. In fact we have only ever been twice in 10 years to my family home, in comparison to regular visits to her family each year.

The stress of my mothers behaviour has become too much for now to cope with. She doesn't want to see my parents, and wont let our daughter out of her sight. Since she has been born, my parents have spent an our in the hospital with us 2 days after she was born, 30 minutes visit to our home where they had to look at her through our dining room door because she was asleep and 5 minutes with her whilst my wife held her on another visit. Her Mum has been with us for weeks on an off.

She sent an email to my mum expressing how upset she was, to which my mum replied. My wife didnt think that she understood the cause of the problem, so allowed me to speak to my mum, who replied by email again and apologised for hers and my dads behaviour and hoped they could move forward now to a better relationship in the future. But yesterday my dad was out of order with me, which I dealt with and was resolved, but my wife is so upset that this behaviour has happened again, feels they will never change, she can not have a relationship with them, and feels I have to choose to accept they wont be in our lives as much as they should be,or for us not to be together.

I am distraught and on top of that, whilst her mother was with us recently, her mother told me that I didnt care enough for my daughter. Anyone who knows me would say that is the most ridiculous thing that could be said but now my wife tonight has said she agrees with her mum.

My parents are selling their house I grew up in for 20 years and I really wanted to take my daughter home to have a couple of photos with her there which I wont have an oppotunity to do again as the sale completes in a couple of weeks. My wife wont entertain this at all so I was going to go home myself on Saturday. When they offered to drive me back, see the new house they are buying and drop me home to see their Granddaughter, my wife took our daughter drove off and intended to stay in a hotel as she could not comprehend the idea of seeing them. I talked her back into coming home thankfully

I want to save this for the sake of my daughter and our relationship but have hit rock bottom and don't know what to do

[aprilanne]

well op .i think your wife is being ridicoulous .this is your baby too .my pils are just the worsed ever to me .they live near us .they detest me but i can assure the feeling is mutual .they don,t even care about my hubby,s illness or such like .my mother died last year and his cow of a mother did,nt even acknowledge it .but her,s the thing they are good grandparents to my 3 son,s .i have never stopped my hubby taking the children to them .personally i would not bring myself to there level .

[JuanFernandezTitTyrant]

I don't think any of you are covering yourself in glory here. I'm going to make some allowances for your DW because she has just given birth and also I know myself how extremely wearing it is being married to a precious only who can't draw proper boundaries for his over-involved parents. However, I would never, ever let my petty annoyances get in the way of my PIL seeing my DS. The PP is right about your DW using this as a power thing. She may well feel protective and vulnerable but there is absolutely nothing here that suggests that your parents wouldn't be loving and proud grandparents.

The tone of your wife's email is very telling. It seems to be all about her feelings and what she feels they have "done to her" without any willingness to accept any responsibility for the situation. And I feel that by saying "we" all the time she is speaking for you and I'm not sure that you would agree with all of her sentiments. Your mother's email is much more balanced and seems at odds with your description of their manipulative behaviour.

I'm afraid I suspect that the biggest problem here is a brittle daughter in law being enabled and egged on by her mother.

[LEMmingaround]

Seems to me that this is very straightforward. You make a choice. You put your wife and child before your parents or you lose them.

Tbh it sounds like you are being bullied by your parents AND your wife.

[OnlyWantsOne]

After reading through your emails - your wife sounds like a rude spoilt petulant child. Your mum seems calmer and at least respectful.

I've had a horrendous MIL who tried to encourage me to have an abortion with my 1st baby... who then went on to tell me when her son broke my ribs and smashed my hand that I must have some more respect for how stressed he is...

[sunbathe]

I wonder what your wife would say, if she were on MN?

[Lweji]

As I mentioned earlier, it is hard to separate the waters here because based on what you wrote everyone seems unreasonable.
The question is what to do about it?
As it's you who are asking, I think it may be worth to show some backbone and stand up for your parents and stop running things by them, but also to appreciate (but take or leave) when they do advise. It pays to listen to people.
Also truly listen to your wife so that she feels valued, but you may need to tell her that while you respect her feelings you are not prepared to completely cut your parents from your life (but don't take excessive drama to her).
If you stand to lose a family, so does she. And se stands to lose what control she has about where her baby goes or does. Be clear about that possibility if you are backed onto a wall.
I think some relationship counselling (and possibly individual) would be worth, so that you have an impartial view point and a safe place to talk things over.

A possibility would be for her to read the thread, but he may not be happy with how you portray her and her mother.

[TheHouseatWhoCorner]

It sounds to me like a power struggle between your parents and your wife over who has control of you.

But I think you need to concentrate on your wife and DD for the short term, and tell her you are doing so. But also make it clear that you will need to address the situation before, say, Christmas.

In themeanyimre, keep in touch with your parents by phone, photos and Skype.

[HumblePieMonster]

OP, your daughter is not a possession. You cannot just take her away from your wife, who gave birth to her, so that your mother can play with the baby or so that you can have photographs taken with the baby in your old home.

Your family unit now is you, your wife, your daughter. Your parents, like all grandparents, are peripheral. They take part when it is comfortable for you and your wife for them to do so. They are not in charge of anything. They cannot make demands (they can try, but you must not give in to them) or impose conditions.

Support your wife until she is confident enough to be with your daughter and your parents. Do not expect your wife to hand over the child she grew in her body to people she is not at ease with.

Your role is to protect your wife and help her raise your child. Your parents must take a back seat now, and you must make sure they do.

[Quitelikely]

Honestly I have got three dcs I would be devastated if they refused to let me see my GC just because their dp didn't like me. There seems to be a sea of thought on MN that parents don't actually matter that much and if they piss you off you should cut them out. They do matter, they are important and offer a vital role within the family unit IMO. Obviously there are cases where NC is necessary but IMO that should be as a last resort and also it doesn't mean that the child needs to go NC just their partner if he/she doesn't like the in laws.

I feel that is the case here.

[mathanxiety]

Hi Simba -- I was on your previous really long thread and remember your parents and wife had daggers drawn then too. Congratulations on the birth of your daughter. Hope all went well. It looks as if you managed to find some way to do as your wife wanted wrt visiting in the hospital, and you got over your desire to have a Simba moment, etc.. All good.

However, it looks as if the merry go round continues, with the same basic issues cropping up -- you are letting your parents treat you as a child and you are behaving as a child towards them. (Your half brother also expected his feelings to be pandered to, unreasonably, by you and your wife.)

Would you say people in your family are unable to judge the social and emotional content of situations?
Would you say they tend to be very wrapped up in their own little dramas most of the time, and seem unaware of how ott or unreasonable they appear to others?
Would you say there is some sort of dynamic going on in your family where everyone expects to be judged by their intentions and not what they actually do or say?
(Because that is what your mother effectively asked your wife to do in her email.)

I don't want to refer to your last thread too much, but here in this one and in the previous one you were unable to provide much by way of concrete examples of your parents' treatment of your wife and yourself that make your wife so completely unable to suffer their presence at this point in her life.

You do hint at things your parents have said, 'thoughtlessly', so it seems to me you agree to some extent with your wife's assessment of how things have been. What are those things? Do you understand where your wife is coming from here? Do you understand that ten years of thoughtlessness is a lot to ask someone to take? What serious efforts have you made over those years to make your parents 'think'?

It's possible your wife is being totally precious, is being encouraged by her mother to fight with her MIL, or has some 'ILs Are Bad' script in her head that she is acting out regardless of reality -- you don't seem to hold this theory however, or to have observed any tendency towards irrational hatred of your parents, or towards fighting just because she believes this is what happens between ILs and DILs.

For your part, you seem to take pride in putting out fires. You dealt with the half brother's silly idea. You called your dad back and told him off. But you haven't managed to draw enough of a boundary between them and you (and your wife) to make your wife feel secure in the knowledge that she comes first with you.

This is partly because you keep on trying to involve them in your life on an equal basis with the involvement your wife's mother has with you, regardless of how upsetting the run-ins with your 'thoughtless' parents are even for you, but especially regardless of your wife's level of upset with their foot in mouth problem.

You continue the ambivalence by pointing out how rude your MIL is to sit in the spare room for four hours while your parents visit, and you are sore on behalf of your parents that they could only peek at your sleeping daughter through the dining room door. You are keeping a running score of hours spent visiting, MIL vs Parents -- and you seem to see it as a score, and to feel that your side is losing.

So maybe it is not surprising that your wife wonders whose side you are on, and has now presented you with a stark choice?

Iirc, this is not the first time she has done this, however. There is a really horrible communication problem going on between the two of you. The evidence is the ultimatum, and also the fact that this is your second thread with exactly the same problem cropping up again. You need to go to relationship counselling to learn how to listen and take each other's feelings seriously.

You as an individual also need to go to counselling about your relationship with your parents and to figure out why you are so determined to ignore the emotional content of this situation with your wife and your parents, and why you instead go about trying to put out fires, smooth things over, and in the end have things your own way in this case, what you really want is to go to take photos with your daughter in your childhood home. You need to understand why your wife is so angry with you for having no real sense of vision for you and her and your own little family why you won't make a stand against your parents and in favour of her in other words, and deal with the ongoing and very serious problem -- and want to either ignore what is going on with your wife and your mother, or try to make the storm abate just long enough for you to accomplish the short term goal you have of taking photos with your DD in the old house.

Think back to the last weeks of your wife's pregnancy -- you were fixated on presenting your baby to your parents in the waiting room as soon as she was delivered (or as near as dammit) and you were not facing the reality of any of your wife's concerns about having your mother breathing down her neck in the hospital or having the baby taken from her and out to see your parents, etc.

This is almost exactly the same issue. In fact, change some of the scenery and you have an identical problem.

The only person you can change or control in this situation is you. Remaining the same, maintaining the same unhealthy relationship habits with your parents and your wife, and yet hoping for a different outcome is madness. Sure, you will extract a compromise here and there you may yet manage to take photos with your baby at your old home for instance but the basic issue remains. You keep on lurching back into the same crisis here because you have not decided which direction you should be going in.

[JenniferJo]

Your wife sounds a bit of a control freak to me. As does her mother.

The baby is yours as much as hers and if you want to take DC to see your parents then you should be able to do so.

[CherryEarrings]

Well, this thread is going the way of the last one, because Simba did not reveal until the end of that one, that his DW is violent towards him.

The fact that she punches, kicks and in one instance threw an iron at his head is yet again being left out of the mix.

This whole situation is totally unfathomable.

[EarthWindFire]

If the wife is violent then OP needs to leave pure and simple. There is no excuse for that at all!

[OnlyWantsOne]

urgh. OP why didnt you mention this?

[SpecialAgentFreyPie]

Oh, if only it was appropriate to mention past threads and manipulative OP's.....

[Quitelikely]

The fact that she punches, kicks and in one instance threw an iron at his head is yet again being left out of the mix.

Do your parents know about this?

[CherryEarrings]

I don't care if it's not the done thing to mention previous threads.

This particular thread is a waste of posters time without one very relevant piece of information, just like the last one.

[lettertoherms]

OP, if your wife is violent toward you you need to get out.

[whatnownora]

Tbh I think you and your DW would do well to tell both sets of parents to back off and let you become a family unit .

There's lots of point scoring and manipulation on both sides of this the only way through is together as a family sit down with you wife and discuss it an equal time out from both parents

It may be worth pointing out the hurtful things her mother has said to you which are neither helpful or well intentioned and that's why the timeout should apply to both sets of parents

Then see how you both feel

[MorrisZapp]

I was going to say this thread is pointless without examples of the things your parents say without thinking first.

But if violence is involved, then why did you say your lives are settled?

[bleedingheart]

I didn't know about the violence. Bloody hell. I thought your wife sounded like she was controlling and trying to isolate you from your parents and wondered what terrible behaviour I had missed, a disagreement over a house sale (your dad was right btw if a bit hotheaded in sentiment) doesn't seem enough to go no contact. I don't know why they had to be on the ward with you when she had the baby. I love my ILs and wouldn't have wanted that but visiting two days after birth if all is well isn't horrendous.

Your MIL hiding in the spare room is bloody ridiculous. Could she not just go out? I couldn't cope with such drama junkies.

[PizzaMama]

I'm confused? (which isn't hard )

I am an only child who has a close relationship with both my parents.

My brother and his family have also come to visit from a long distance away.

I'm wondering what your parents are like with your brothers partner (I'm assuming he didn't come alone as you said he came with his family)??

[PizzaMama]

^^^Ignore! Must read through the full thread before posting!

[Heels99]

Call relate. You all need help.

[Annarose2014]

I couldn't hack having my MIL there constantly. And her saying you were a crap father after only a few weeks??? And your wife readily agreeing?

I do give you credit for one thing, OP. You are really trying to figure this out. You keep coming on here and asking the opinion of complete strangers who are not known to hold back. But it seems to me that your wife is not trying to figure it out to the same extent, as she is basically saying what she is saying all along "I never want any of us to see your parents ever again" And that is crazy - she can go no contact if she likes, but they don't sound like monsters, by any means. Why deprive the child of her grandparents? Why deprive you of your parents?

Meanwhile, you are deluding yourself if you think that your basica family unit consists of you, your wife and your child. Cos theres FOUR of you - your wife, your child, you and your mother in law.

And I have zero doubt sadly that she would choose her mother over you. I do honestly believe that you would ultimately cut your family out (for a while at least) if it meant your wife stopped freaking out. But I don't think there's the slightest chance of her curtailing her mums visits even a bit. And her mum is being a very negative influence - bitching about you and your parents, and hiding in rooms like a sulky teenager.

I also wonder about what the alternative universe would look like if you did go no contact, or if your parents just upped and moved to Australia or something. I strongly suspect that your wife would still find reasons to freak out at you, and her mother would still be sat there day after day dripping poison in her ear.

And you would be back here utterly confounded as to how to "solve" it. It seems like there is only one of you trying to solve it.

Honestly, allowing a five minute visit where they were allowed to look at the baby through a glass door?? Having her mother there as a guard dog??

And the only reason for all of this is that your parents are blunt? It all seems a bit unbalanced!