Hi Simba -- I was on your previous really long thread and remember your parents and wife had daggers drawn then too. Congratulations on the birth of your daughter. Hope all went well. It looks as if you managed to find some way to do as your wife wanted wrt visiting in the hospital, and you got over your desire to have a Simba moment, etc.. All good.
However, it looks as if the merry go round continues, with the same basic issues cropping up -- you are letting your parents treat you as a child and you are behaving as a child towards them. (Your half brother also expected his feelings to be pandered to, unreasonably, by you and your wife.)
Would you say people in your family are unable to judge the social and emotional content of situations?
Would you say they tend to be very wrapped up in their own little dramas most of the time, and seem unaware of how ott or unreasonable they appear to others?
Would you say there is some sort of dynamic going on in your family where everyone expects to be judged by their intentions and not what they actually do or say?
(Because that is what your mother effectively asked your wife to do in her email.)
I don't want to refer to your last thread too much, but here in this one and in the previous one you were unable to provide much by way of concrete examples of your parents' treatment of your wife and yourself that make your wife so completely unable to suffer their presence at this point in her life.
You do hint at things your parents have said, 'thoughtlessly', so it seems to me you agree to some extent with your wife's assessment of how things have been. What are those things? Do you understand where your wife is coming from here? Do you understand that ten years of thoughtlessness is a lot to ask someone to take? What serious efforts have you made over those years to make your parents 'think'?
It's possible your wife is being totally precious, is being encouraged by her mother to fight with her MIL, or has some 'ILs Are Bad' script in her head that she is acting out regardless of reality -- you don't seem to hold this theory however, or to have observed any tendency towards irrational hatred of your parents, or towards fighting just because she believes this is what happens between ILs and DILs.
For your part, you seem to take pride in putting out fires. You dealt with the half brother's silly idea. You called your dad back and told him off. But you haven't managed to draw enough of a boundary between them and you (and your wife) to make your wife feel secure in the knowledge that she comes first with you.
This is partly because you keep on trying to involve them in your life on an equal basis with the involvement your wife's mother has with you, regardless of how upsetting the run-ins with your 'thoughtless' parents are even for you, but especially regardless of your wife's level of upset with their foot in mouth problem.
You continue the ambivalence by pointing out how rude your MIL is to sit in the spare room for four hours while your parents visit, and you are sore on behalf of your parents that they could only peek at your sleeping daughter through the dining room door. You are keeping a running score of hours spent visiting, MIL vs Parents -- and you seem to see it as a score, and to feel that your side is losing.
So maybe it is not surprising that your wife wonders whose side you are on, and has now presented you with a stark choice?
Iirc, this is not the first time she has done this, however. There is a really horrible communication problem going on between the two of you. The evidence is the ultimatum, and also the fact that this is your second thread with exactly the same problem cropping up again. You need to go to relationship counselling to learn how to listen and take each other's feelings seriously.
You as an individual also need to go to counselling about your relationship with your parents and to figure out why you are so determined to ignore the emotional content of this situation with your wife and your parents, and why you instead go about trying to put out fires, smooth things over, and in the end have things your own way in this case, what you really want is to go to take photos with your daughter in your childhood home. You need to understand why your wife is so angry with you for having no real sense of vision for you and her and your own little family why you won't make a stand against your parents and in favour of her in other words, and deal with the ongoing and very serious problem -- and want to either ignore what is going on with your wife and your mother, or try to make the storm abate just long enough for you to accomplish the short term goal you have of taking photos with your DD in the old house.
Think back to the last weeks of your wife's pregnancy -- you were fixated on presenting your baby to your parents in the waiting room as soon as she was delivered (or as near as dammit) and you were not facing the reality of any of your wife's concerns about having your mother breathing down her neck in the hospital or having the baby taken from her and out to see your parents, etc.
This is almost exactly the same issue. In fact, change some of the scenery and you have an identical problem.
The only person you can change or control in this situation is you. Remaining the same, maintaining the same unhealthy relationship habits with your parents and your wife, and yet hoping for a different outcome is madness. Sure, you will extract a compromise here and there you may yet manage to take photos with your baby at your old home for instance but the basic issue remains. You keep on lurching back into the same crisis here because you have not decided which direction you should be going in.