So how do we fix our relationship?

[AllFurCoat]

DP and I have been together 3.5 years, everything was great at first, both really happy etc etc etc. When we moved in together, our sex life took a turn for the worse and weeks started to pass, then a month, a few months and we're now on 10 months! He just isn't interested at all! I on the other hand am like at dog on heat!

He's not very physically intimate at all, hardly cuddles me, we've not kissed properly since the last time we had sex. I'm a very physical person and crave nothing more than even just a random cuddle. Counselling has been mentioned at few times in he past, but he isn't the sort to talk and tbh I'd be mortified. I just don't know what to do about it any more.

I've tried talking to him, he says sex is hardly appealing when I'm constantly grumpy - hardly a surprise I find it hard to be happy really! I've kind of accepted for a while that it's just the way our relationship is, but I don't know how much longer I can do it :(

Since we got together, I've lost about 4 stone and have started taking a bigger interest in clothes/hair/make up, which at first was partly to do with trying to get him to want me more, but clearly didn't work!

It's just weighing on my mind so much at the moment, I really want things to work between us, but it's soul destroying!

[Blahdeblah111]

OP I'm going through something very similar to you at the min. Thanks for posting this thread

[mineofuselessinformation]

Quitelikely, sorry if I misread your post.
But the rest still stands... A bit of affection goes a long way to making you feel valued.
Hope you work it out OP.

[Darkesteyes]

AllFur my situ is in the link.

everydayvictimblaming.com/submissions/my-mother-misogyny-men/


Ive lost nearly 3 stone since it was written.

[AllFurCoat]

That's the thing isn't it, if it's the woman that doesn't want it, men will (I assume) chat to their mates about it and have a bit of a banter, but it's the woman's fault. A man doesn't want it and the woman doesn't make enough effort, has let herself go etc etc and you just don't talk about it! A friend of mine's jaw almost hit the floor when I told her, but that was after a few wines, it's very rare I even tell anyone cos it's like a shameful little dirty secret that my DP doesn't want me :(

[Darkesteyes]

marriage.about.com/cs/lowsexdrive/a/malelowlibido.htm

[Darkesteyes]

Above is an old post of mine from 2 years ago.

[Darkesteyes]

Society seems to have no trouble believing that women don’t want sex, but they struggle to come to terms with the idea that a man might not want it. This lack of understanding makes women scared to speak out. What woman is going to stick her head above the parapet and say “I live in a sexless marriage” and talk about it frankly and honestly in public. Actually, I can answer that “NONE”. And so women like me who live in sexless marriages continue to suffer in silence.

We feel that we cannot discuss the issue with anyone. We are made to feel that it is our fault. Magazine articles and books on the subject advise women to buy some sexy undies and make more effort with their appearance etc. Though it’s the man who doesn’t want sex, it is the women who are told to make more effort with their looks. If the situation is reversed and it is the woman who doesn’t want to make love, pressure is put on her (marital and societal) to go to the GP to see what is wrong

[Darkesteyes]

Not all men Quite.


You are stereotyping. Go to the MN search engine Type in sexless relationships/marriages and have a read.

[BotoxBitch]

What's the saying all fur coat and??

[Quitelikely]

That's what I meant! Love your username by the way

[AllFurCoat]

I took the ann summers bit to mean a bit of er, mechanical help for me rather than anything to do with him!

Your yoga teacher is so bloody right, I slept like a log last night for a change and I'm convinced it's cos we cuddled in bed!

[Quitelikely]

Mineofuselessness

I did not tell her to dress up! Get your facts right please.

I suggested she went to Ann summers for her own satisfaction incase you couldn't work that out!

[mineofuselessinformation]

And I should add....
A bit 'woo', but my yoga teacher, as part of our relaxation at the end, says 'for the body likes to be hugged'. Bloody right it does - I miss it a lot.

[mineofuselessinformation]

Quitelikely, what century are you living in? OP shouldn't need to 'dress up' or whatever else you are imagining....
OP, you need to sit him down and talk about what you both want and need in this relationship. FTR, my XH got to the point where he only ever kissed me when he wanted sex (lots of backstory). There was never any affection otherwise. It made me feel sad.

[AllFurCoat]

I think I'd have self combusted had I not considered that a fair few times ;)

I think it's something I'm going to have to sit on for a while, we've got a holiday booked in the next few weeks! Apparently I may get some then... I'll not get myself too excited!

[Quitelikely]

Have you considered a trip to the Ann Summers shop in the interim, might be your only hope!

It's not fair or right for dh to ask you to live this way. That much is true. He's changed the goal posts and well this just isn't what you signed up for.

You need to gently force the issue again when you feel the time is right.

[AllFurCoat]

quite I think there in lies my problem! Men in general like sex, women in general like sex too! If I were a man considering leaving my wife cos she won't have sex; I'd be called all manner of different forms of bastard!

[AllFurCoat]

You know, it kinda is that! He doesn't want to have sex with me, but he doesn't want anyone else to either. Which in a way could be a good thing, cos he loves me and doesn't want me to leave. But then he's not exactly doing anything to make me want to stay! I really can understand people having affairs right now, not saying it's right of them to, but I certainly understand! Apologies if I'm repeating myself too, head's rather fucked tonight!

[Quitelikely]

Darkest eyes yes I have heard of that but if your asexual you don't enter into a full on relationship with someone and have sex etc!

And men do like sex. I don't think I'm generalising there.

[Darkesteyes]

AllFur. Its possible he does want the relationship but not the sex. He still gets to maintain the appearance of Happily Coupled Up Man. And if he doesn't want to sleep with you why is he so bothered about you getting it elsewhere.
is he basically saying "I don't want you but I don't want anyone else to have you"

Because that is very cruel.

[AllFurCoat]

If he were asexual would he want a relationship though? Or want the relationship but just not sex? Confused! I do know a few other people who's DPs don't want It much, so I know it's not an entirely uncommon situation, just feels a bit of a shit one right now!

[Darkesteyes]

You've never heard of asexuality then Quite Likely. Saying you know no MAN that would go without for no good reason says that you are just focusing on the stereotypical image of men and sex.

Men aren't all rutting stags you know. Some of them just don't like sex.

Not saying this is your DH OP. Its just that im beginning to notice the same tired old stereotypes seeping out lately.

[AllFurCoat]

I've suggested the gp before to no avail. I've considered insisting on counselling but don't know if It would actually do us any good. And I don't want pity sex.

I've asked him many a time if he thinks we'll ever have sex again and he always says something along the lines of yes, soon. And I've (half jokingly) asked if he'd be happy with me getting it elsewhere! I doubt he'd be happy with that though!

I've tried trying It on lots, I've tried getting all dolled up, not trying it on, being extremely distant, I don't think there's much left to try tbh!

[Quitelikely]

I know no man that would go without for no good reason. I'm as confused as you!

Maybe you need to suggest the gp as its like there is no desire/drive.

Have you said anything along the lines of 'are we in a sexless relationship now' or 'what about my needs'

[AllFurCoat]

Out of all those, I'd swing towards medical problem if anything. When questioned he'll tell me I'm stunning and it's not because he doesn't find me physically attractive, he just doesn't want it. He's mentioned a few times that because he knows he can have it any time, he just doesn't want it? Dunno how to take that really! I've explained to him so many times that it's so different for me cos he knows he can get it any time, whereas it's soul destroying for me to try and get knocked back constantly, I don't try much any more. Apparently he can still get it up.