Married into a lie. Is it even worth saving?

[micnkev]

This might be long, so I am equally warning and apologizing to you all in advance.

I married young, at the age of 18 the summer after graduating high school. My husband was a high school sweetheart who joined the USAF and he was assigned to a base out of state. My parents couldn't afford to help me out with college due to their divorce issues and I was never encouraged to apply for scholarships, so I chose to marry my husband early because he promised he could help me pay for my schooling and at the time he was perfect and I was in love and didn't believe in long distance relationships. Due to a lifetime of cheating, physical abuse, and fighting between my parents I - upon numerous occasions - told my husband while we were dating and after our marriage, that I could never forgive someone who cheated because if you cheat it means you never loved the person to begin with. I stand by this still, very strongly. We have been married four years to date and we have been through so much struggle. To start, my husband had a meltdown at the wedding. My family was worried but everyone assured me he was only worried about his vows not being up to par. So we continued the wedding, starting 20 mins late. As I walked down the aisle he stared at me like he was about to end his life. That was my sign that something was wrong. I watched him carefully during the ceremony and when he began to smile I relaxed thinking he was still worried about his vows. The rest of the wedding was great. Then, we got into a fight on our honeymoon because my father tricked us... he decided his wedding gift to us would be our honeymoon. We were told we would be at a beautiful hotel in the city where they had carriage rides and numerous events, etc. Low and behold, we ended up having a two star airport hotel and he ordered us a room that had two beds. I was furious, but stayed calm whereas my husband threw a fit and began personally attacking me. I spent the better portion of that night crying in a bathroom. We had makeup sex and continued the marriage.

I moved with him to his military base and all was well. I got pregnant a few months in because my birth control failed and after that our marriage was a roller coaster. I'll share only a few events that made up the rocky parts of that roller coaster...

1. His friends were going to throw him into the pool at a cookout. They made the conscious effort to remove his pocket contents and phone, and after throwing him in he got out of the pool in an uproar because he didn't want to get wet. He stomped home and ripped his shirt throwing it on the ground. Then he went inside and threw the coffee table across the room and punched a dent into the fridge. I was terrified and called friends over to stay with me after he left and walked miles away enough to have to be picked up by a friend. This was my first slice of unnatural behavior and I was so confused I didn't do anything.
   
2. Picking a baby name was literal torture. Every name I picked was never good enough because he could name one person who had the same name that he hated. He would often pick fights with me about it and in the end I had no say in my only daughter's first and middle name.
   
3. He kicked me out of our apartment one night when I was 7 months pregnant because I wouldn't apologize to him for something miniscule. I was locked out for two hours and couldn't even sit in my car, so to stay warm I walked to a nearby park by myself thinking some type of exercise would keep me warm. You might say, why not just say sorry? Well I soon did, but apparently he didn't believe me.
   

Upon my due date, and an excessive amount of time begging my husband to be in the room with me while I delivered - he didn't want to because of anxiety and he thought it would be gross - he finally accepted. This was important to me because he was the father and due to us being in another state, I had no other family around. He was an absolute nightmare. He actually picked a fight with me in front of the nurses because he wanted me to pick the fastest and most painful inducement, but I picked another option. He said I had no respect for him and left me alone at the hospital for two hours, then came back only to ignore me and fall asleep on the couch in the delivery room. I spent thirteen hours going through labor by myself. He finally got up right at the end trying to present a good spouse to the new nurses. I felt so betrayed by him I told myself that I would never trust him again. Then my daughter came and my anger was offset by seeing my first child. He acted like that night never happened after that, because - as he said just last year when I confronted him - he "thought I wasn't mad anymore". I think my relationship with him forever changed after that. I no longer dream of having more kids with him for fear of being disappointed, and I never want to pick baby names with him ever again either. He ruined the experience of my first pregnancy and wasn't there when I needed him most. He rarely ever helped me with the baby. I was the only one to wake up with her at night and I was the only one to change her diapers. He would go out with friends and never ask me if I wanted to go and he would assume I couldn't because of the baby. OUR baby!

Fast forward to last year, we had an incident of near spousal abuse. He held me down on the bed with a fist in front of my face threatening to hit me if I didn't shut up. He also threatened to take our daughter far away so I could never see her again. This all happened in front of his parents who were worried but told me not to purposely push his buttons because his anger was so bad. I can't remember what the fight was about but I know for a fact it was something both of us didn't agree on. I started seeing a therapist/counselor at my school who was very sexist and I felt like I had to take everything she said with a grain of salt. He didn't see one because he already did that when I was pregnant so he "didn't have to do it again".

I also found out last year, thanks to my best friend telling me, that my husband and her had sexual relations while we were dating, engaged, and on his bachelor night. My best friend and my husband. They both lied to me for four years. I felt so betrayed more than ever before. She told me it only happened once and my husband was drunk but after confronting my husband he told me more of the truth... that she and him had sex more than once. Although in his story they were both drunk and his excuse for the bachelor night was that he was wasted and his brother sent her in to talk and it "just happened" like I'm sure the other times did as well. -.- He cried and told me he felt horrible about it and thats why he saw his therapist while I was pregnant. He said he had never cheated on me while we were married, but due to certain texts he sent his friend while I was pregnant saying he would "fuck the girl in his college class if he weren't married" suggest to me otherwise. I took him back only because I didn't know what to do. We had makeup sex and I felt terrible during it.

Since I found out, he has changed a little. He only had an angry fit once since then when he threw the trashcan and its contents across the room because I told him he was a cheater and a liar. The only complaint I have now is that he plays video games all day long. He will stay up until 6 in the morning playing games like counterstrike and WOW and then sleep in until 4 in the afternoon. Once he wakes up he is back on the computer. Some days he doesn't even get up to use the bathroom.. he just pees in a cup and leaves it on his desk. I am not a very clean person myself - I have to force myself to clean the house and it takes me forever to do the laundry - but, at least I actually use the bathroom. I have discussed this to him before and I did see improvement for a week, but then he just fell back into the same routine.

I just don't know what to do anymore. We are both full time college students since he got out of the military, and sometimes its good but more times it is empty. He never wants to go out and spend money, he doesn't agree with my parenting and thinks spanking and fear solve everything. I think now I'm just not happy with him at all and I still care about him, but after everything that has happened... my trust is gone, I don't want more kids with him, and even though we always have things to talk about there is just no substance in the marriage. I thought that I had forgiven him for cheating on me, but now sometimes I will be doing dishes or taking a shower and then I'll just start thinking about his dishonesty and her with him and the years I went being clueless and it turns me off to a bitter end. We still have the same bed they had sex on and that disheartens me as well. I don't want him to touch me at that point and I shut myself up in the room so I won't have to talk to him until I feel better. He rarely pays attention to this. To him, I am happy and have fully forgiven him. He thinks I can just move on like it never happened. I know he can't read minds, but how can he move on like that so easily and expect me to do the same? It hasn't even been a full year since I found out.

I just don't know if this marriage is worth saving anymore. I don't feel like I am living and everyday is the same routine over and over again. I try to get him to do things outside but he never budges at my will. He'll only go out if it is his idea. I stay in this marriage because of my daughter who is 3, and because of the stability of the relationship (I have no job or money of my own because I am finishing up my degree... shameful I know) and fear of the unknown. My daughter can understand when there is tension and I would hate to ruin her childhood by getting a divorce. He has never been abusive to her aside from punishment and spankings. To be honest though, if she weren't in the situation, I would have left him in a heartbeat. What would you do if you were in my situation? Any advice/help is appreciated. I don't have any friends or family I can turn to for honest and grounded advice.

[FlintAndTinder]

What oldgrandmama says, particularly with regard to not telling him you are leaving. Get everything together first, and make sure you are well out of the way before he realises you're gone. He will make it difficult. There will be threats, promises to change, romantic messages, abusive messages, threats of self-harm, threats to tell everyone how awful you are, declarations of love, declarations of hate, threats to get custody, threats to stop paying child support, threats to take you to court and call CPS on you, threats to call the police on you because YOU'RE abusive, tears, heartfelt promises that it will all be different. Expect all of this. He will go through the list whatever happens, don't think that by agreeing to go back to him it will stop because he will only start all over again the next time. The only thing you can do is make sure you are gone before it starts, so you aren't stuck there having all of this blow up in your face, possibly accompanied by some gun-waving and a crying child.

There's only one person whose good opinion of you is worth having, and that's YOU. Don't let yourself become somebody else's toy, it will take you even longer to reclaim your own self worth. He clearly sees you and your daughter as some kind of supporting players to his own life, the star of the show, to be yelled at when everything doesn't go exactly as he wants it to or when your inconvenient needs get in the way.

Here are the things that are great about YOU: you are kind, you are intelligent, you are articulate, you are a dedicated student, you are a great mom, you keep your home clean (even if it means more effort from you because it doesn't come naturally!) and your clothes presentable/clean, you spend time with your child playing and letting her little personality shine through. You are devoted. You are giving. You deserve love.

And the best part is, you are still so young and have such a bright future ahead of you. Break free. Don't let him treat you as a thing to be used, emptied and broken. You are worth more. His displeasure is not important enough to destroy your self worth. You have your child to raise, you don't have time to let a loser drag you down when there is so much else you could be spending your youth and energy on.

Get out of there before he sucks you dry. There's a small person who relies on you to be her protector, provider and advocate, and you're going to need all your strength for that job.

[backbystealth]

Oh and, Backbystealth he does say all those things. Ironic.

It's not ironic honey.

Abusers are all cut from the same cloth, they say the same thing, follow the same script.

Because I am twice your age, I know this, I've seen it many times that's all.

I admire you for posting here and deciding to leave him. Agree with everyone else - do NOT tell him you are going, get your stuff in order and go. Or you will put yourself and dd in grave danger.

[GREYCROW]

I hate it when people bring up the retarded card in a post just to make a point. I understand when someone is in a different country and may have different terms... so what?

Just before I'm jumped upon I had a severely brain damaged DD who died aged two. All of her notes contained "retardation".

[Twinklestein]

I've read through the thread and OP you've got to get out asap. The presence of a gun makes it 5 times more likely that domestic violence will end in murder. Your situation is simply too dangerous to take time to make plans to leave and go when you're ready. If he gets wind of your intention he may just shoot you. You need to be thinking about organising a refuge today.

Under no circumstances do you tell him you're leaving.

In the mean time, don't let yourself get backed into any small rooms like the bathroom, don't get in a car with him, and have your mobile phone on your body at all times (ie not just next to you).

[springydaffs]

Bless you, crow, that's tough xxx

OP, don't feel bad about vanishing without telling him. He didn't feel bad about cheating on you with your friend right up to the wedding, looking at you as you walked down the aisle like he had been given the death sentence (this should be a time when the groom looks at his bride with overwhelming love), treating you like you're mad, abandoning you when you were in labour with dd, not helping with dd one bit (yet capturing her heart with the same charm he used on you: he is only like this with her because she is little, malleable, and she adores him), throwing things about to frighten you and send you the clear message that if you don't 'behave' you will be next, gearing up to you being next by holding you by the throat with a fist to your face (next time he will do it for real, and will blame you for pushing him to it), getting a gun and threatening to kill himself (sending the clear message that he could kill you with the gun). So, no, don't feel bad for abandoning him with no warning. If he were a stable, sane, nice person you could tell him you are leaving but he is unstable, insane and an abuser so you MUST escape while you can, which means not telling him so you have the chance to make good your escape. If he knows you are going he could well kill you - I am not exaggerating. Just as you are astonished you are in an abusive relationship, most of the women who have been killed by their men would be astonished if they were alive.

I don't know what services are like there but you can access The Freedom Programme online, which is an excellent course that will help to open your eyes some more about the vile abuser you married. I would recommend a refuge because you will get the support - also, wouldn't he be able to trace you at your parents houses? You must vanish, he can't know where you are or he could find you and harm or kill you - he has already shown that he is incrementally warning you that he intends to harm you, he would consider you leaving to be the perfect time to do it.

[springydaffs]

*would be astonished if they were alive to be astonished. They didn't expect it.

[thestamp]

DO NOT TELL HIM YOU ARE LEAVING

just leave

the most dangerous time in a woman's life is when she is leaving an abusive relationship. if he finds out you're leaving he could kill you or worse, your daughter. DO NOT TELL HIM. just go.

[Kendodd]

I just wanted to add, his threat to kill himself if you leave, ignore. My mum threatened me with this and it was just an empty threat. Even if he does carry out his threat, IT WILL NOT BE YOUR FAULT. If he is willing to kill himself then he's also willing to kill you and your DD, don't forget that.

Good luck

[AcrossthePond55]

Good, if you have a card for a women's shelter they can guide you in the best method to leave safely.

I'm in the US & used to work in a job in which we sometimes interacted with County Welfare aka Dept of Social Services so I learned a bit about how they work, hopefully things haven't change too much since I retired. Depending on your finances & the county you are living in you may qualify for TANF and Medi-Caid if you have no income and/or insurance. TANF isn't 'forever', but can help you get over the hump until you get child support worked out & find a job. Your Social Worker will also be able to refer you to Child Support Enforcement where they'll work to get a court order for him to pay up. This is mandatory if you are on income support as your county will want to recoup any monies they pay you as TANF.

The main thing, which you've heard over and over and which I will repeat, you MUST make plans and leave quietly. Again, the women's shelter will be invaluable.

[AcrossthePond55]

Please, OP, if you feel safe and comfortable doing so, let us know how you are doing and that you have left safely.

[Saltedcaramel2014]

You mention at one point an incident of 'near spousal abuse'. I hope from people's responses here you can see there is nothing 'near' about it. His behaviour towards you is horrific - emotional and physical abuse, threats and infidelity... You deserve better and you daughter deserves better. Abusers like your husband are often incredibly skilled at creating an acceptable public face, which is why you have to trust yourself, not consider what they think. You have seen him at his worse and I can see you know it's not OK. It's REALLY not Ok.

[ColdCottage]

I hope you are ok. Let us know when you are safe. We will be thinking of you and sending good vibes.

[Catsize]

Been thinking of you OP and hope you are okay. When you leave, go somewhere safe but not obvious.

[Quitelikely]

Run. Very. Fast.

There is a wonderful exciting life waiting for you. Seriously life with the right person can be amazing!

[Catsize]

OP, I really hope you are okay. Been thinking of you a lot. Please let us know.

[micnkev]

Update:

So I finally left. Surprisingly my husband did not care. We got into a fight because of his impatience with our daughter and he told me to leave. He said that I am the abusive one in the relationship. Ironic. Apparently I am a leech who uses all his money and am emotionally abusive.

I always imagined this moment to be a blasting ray of sunshine and overwhelming sense of freedom... but right now all I feel is broken, and I don't know why. I feel like everything is my fault and now I am dooming my daughter to be a child of divorce. Things were starting to get better, this is true, and I know that I needed to get out regardless, but now I can't budge the feeling that I had overreacted. My husband told me that I will always find someone who gets angry and throws things. He doesn't see how him pinning me on the bed could have been abusive. To him, even if it were abusive, he did it a year ago so now it shouldn't matter anymore.

I'm staying at a family friend's house that he doesn't know. This has been the worst start to a divorce so far. For starters my husband was perfectly fine with seeing me go. If he was affected, he did a good job of hiding it. My daughter was extremely moody - I'm sure due to us fighting - and made bedtime nearly impossible. I was supposed to doggy sit my mother's chihuahua tonight, but my daughter hurt her. She was taking her out of her toy shopping cart and picked up the poor dog by the foot and then dropped her midair onto the ground. The dog suddenly started acting weird later on and when I looked up the symptoms it said it could be a stroke or a neurological problem from being dropped on the head. My mother was furious and told me it was my fault. Now my childhood dog is very hurt and may have to be put down. Which crushes my heart, because it only adds to the stress of my impending divorce. While taking the dog home it peed on my shirt. My little brother is also mad at me because he thinks I hurt the dog.

I feel like right now I have nothing to look forward to. Everything has started off like such a mess and I know I should be grateful that things didn't get physical like I feared, but I already feel so lonely. Divorce is terrifying. I have no money or job, my car is almost out of gas, my dentist bill is due by the end of the week, I have no diapers... I mean, can't I catch a break?

I have to keep telling myself over and over "Things will get better. Be strong. You have to be strong", but to no avail.

Things have to get better right? I'm not sure where to go from here, but hopefully I figure it out soon.

[bedraggledmumoftwo]

Well done, op. Things will get better.

[43percentburnt]

We'll done for leaving. You did the right thing. It may not feel like it but you did.

You will start to wobble. There is a very very high chance he will contact you when he realises that you aren't coming back grovelling and crying.

Can I highly recommended that you get his behaviour logged with officials. I am unsure of the way it works in the us, but I am sure someone on here will know. In the uk you would log his violence and abuse with non emergency police and your child's health visitor. This will give you far more chance of reducing the amount of time she has to spend with him.

He may seem like a good dad, but when you start coming through this you may see that he is a crap role model and her contact with him should be limited. Her dropping the dog may be from witnessing him throwing things when he doesn't get his own way. Please log.

Well done for getting out aged 22. I waited a further 6 years. I too was university educated, I had a professional job, unfortunately I thought I could work it out (looking back I don't know what I thought!). But you are doing great.

If anyone says it's a sin to leave your marriage I would respond its a sin to cheat, wave a gun at your wife and child and be abusive. He made it impossible for you to stay.

I think you should tell your family how bad it has been. You need good friends and family because the phone calls and texts may start soon.

Good luck, you are doing great. Keep going. (Several years after leaving I am happy as could be - you will get there).

[dramajustfollowsme]

Well done for leaving. Things are hard right now but will improve.
I agree, the incident with the dog could be as a result of your daughter mimicking her father's behaviour.
I hope the doggie makes a recovery, btw.
Tell everyone how bad things were. The more people know, the more they can support you and stop you from returning. It will be tempting to go back at times but if you do it will probably be even worse.

[Quitelikely]

He is bothered. He's just playing games with you. If you stay it is likely that when your dd grows up she too will seek a man with abusive tendencies and so the cycle repeats itself.

I know you might be thinking things weren't that bad between you but you know deep down you weren't happy. Don't expose your dd to anymore fighting it is damaging for her.

Stay strong. If you go back you will be no further forward from your first post.

Good luck

[Twinklestein]

When children are very young and try to pick up animals by the leg it's difficult to hold onto so she may just have dropped him. I doubt that the dog is seriously damaged by a fall that can't have been from a great height given that she's 3.

OP you're massively minimising your awful past life. It was no kind of a life. I understand that you have to start again, but you're very young and things will come together in time. Try and have faith, and call on whatever agencies there are in the US to support women who've left abusive relationships.

Being a child of divorce is a million times better than being 'doomed' to be a child of an abusive father. The latter ruins children's lives: sets up problems with low self esteem, anxiety, depression, self harm, addiction, poor boundaries, attraction to abusive people and relationships.

Over 40% of relationships end in divorce, thus not far off half of children experience their parents separating. Abusive relationships are not so common and they are far, far more damaging.

You did the right thing.

[Catsize]

OP, well done. Although I don't know you, I feel so proud of you. I was actually worried you might be in hospital, or worse. You have done the right thing, taken a massive step. It is right that he will no doubt grovel and twist and guilt trip you at some point but you must STAY STRONG. You have totally totally done the right thing. I am sorry about the dog, it is an incident you did not need at this time, and has not helped you, but your family will come round. You have a much better future ahead of you OP. Your daughter will thank you for the brave step you have taken.

[juneau]

Well done OP! I can't believe you left him and it was so unemotional in the end. He will try to get you back though, so you need to stay strong. Whatever he says, he's abusive, angry and violent - a common set of problems with military or ex-military young men, from what I can tell. Even his parents acknowledge he's got anger management issues. Smacking and intimidating children is abuse! Holding you down with his fist in your face is abuse! Threatening to kill himself and blaming you is manipulative and cruel, as well as completely wrong. He wasn't there for you either when you were alone and in pain in labour! He's a nasty man and you've done absolutely the right thing in getting yourself and your DD away from him.

This is likely to be the very worst bit while you sort out somewhere to live and how to afford things, etc. Are you eligible for any kind of assistance - food stamps, help with groceries, out of work healthcare benefits or anything like that? Do look into this immediately, if you're out of money right now. Will your family help? What a shame that this dog situation happened - and right now, of all times - but is there someone who can help you meet immediate needs like diapers and gas for your car?

And you ARE strong. Just keep getting through each day. Take care of yourself and your DD. Try and sort out your immediate needs, but don't worry too much about the future. Things WILL get better, but right now you just need to put one foot in front of the other and DON'T GO BACK TO HIM. You are feeling vulnerable and weak right now, so the best thing to do would be to avoid contact with him altogether. Lean on the people you can - friends and family - and keep away from people who will try to manipulate you - like you ex.

[Squidstirfry]

It will absolutely get better.
I would still tread cautiosly though, while he seems to have let you go without too much of a fight at the moment, he is probably in gear to make your life very difficult over the divorcing period.
Prepare yourself. Be safe! Well done!!

[Kleptronic]

Bloody hell, well done OP! I am so glad you are both safe x stay strong. This will get better.