My potential girlfriend is being controlled by a surrogate father figure - can I help or walk away?

[MonetsGarden]

I have been dating a woman, so I'm biased. I know that. She is mid 20s. She has a male friend who is early 50s (I'm going to try to make this as non-identifiable as possible, but it's hard)

They met when she was an undergraduate and he was a member of a university society, but they became close a few years later when she was living abroad, feeling a bit homesick, and so messaged him, and now they're best friends.

He is married and has been for the past 10 year or so. It's his 3rd wife, and there's quite a big age gap between them. When he met his wife, she was only 20 I think and he was mid 30s (nothing wrong with that, but inb my mind it's painting a bigger picture)

My girlfriend has a tricky relationship with her parents and admitted to me she sees this man as a father figure. He is quite well off, and when she was living abroad, she decided she wanted to move to her home town - he gave her money and offered her advice. They have bought a house together (an investment for him, and somewhere to live for her to get on the ladder, etc).

They go away on holiday together (they've been to China, the US, and they're planning a trip to Asia). Apparently his wife and him have an agreement where he can do this.

In some ways, a lot of this is positive. I can see that. But it seems as if he is treating his wife badly, and also, that she is not living her life, making friends, relationships and so on. Since they became close, she hasn't had a boyfriend. Since we started dating, I've seen them texting and she admitted he was saying things about me like "he's only trying to get in her pants" - and she has stayed over once. As soon as she was up, he texted her "you stayed over at his last night, didn't you?"

She admits to me that he gives her confidence, she admires him, but it seems he has an awful lot of subtle control over her. She's incredible. Before they were close, she had lived and worked in several countries. She got the job she has now over 100 candidates.

I can't see it working out between me and her because of this friend. Is this strange? I want her to see herself for the strong independent woman she is? Do I walk away, or try to help?

[hamptoncourt]

Run.

[HumblePieMonster]

Run for the hills. She's his concubine, possibly platonic but probably not.

[MonetsGarden]

It's not looking good

[NotTheKitchenAgainPlease]

I think you should walk away too. The whole set up is messy and I don't honk you should try and fix things for her. You should be honest about why you don't want to continue the relationship.
You deserve someone who is free to form a relationship with you.

[WildBillfemale]

wake up time - she's his mistress.......

[NotTheKitchenAgainPlease]

Think not honk :)

[longtallsally2]

Can I help or walk away? You can probably help by walking away, but letting her know why. You could tell her that you would love a relationship with her, but, as she knows, she needs to be free of this man to be able to give to a relationship. She is tied to him by this house, so there is no chance that she will cut ties yet - and she will need to cut ties completely.

When she earns enough to buy him out of the house and get a place of her own, or when she needs a friend who will be there for her, then she will make that break.

I have had a friend in a similar situation. She waited a decade or more, to see that, although her "friend" was an amazing man, he wasn't her amazing man, and when she needed someone by her side, he couldn't drop everything to be there. He had complications/a family to consider.

Sadly, I suspect that she won't be wife number four. She will be his f*ck-buddy/fantasy, and as she is not forming other relationships - including, I'd bet, few or no female friends, she will hang around, emotionally dependent on him, until she sees sense. That could be a loooong time coming.

[MonetsGarden]

You're right that she doesn't, as far as I can tell, have close female friends.

Last week, she fell out with her Mum and Dad, and she was upset. She hadn't spoken in a week, and I said to her "just text your mum, say sorry, and tell her you love her". She reluctantly did, and her Mum replied "we love you too, we're just so upset to see the hold that X has over you"

[ChelsyHandy]

If her parents are saying that, its pretty telling.

Mind you, maybe she is good at drawing people in? She's done it to you, she sounds like she has her parents running around after her, plus this man...

[Annarose2014]

He is a Svengali figure, who sees her as his creation.

However it does sound like she has been apprised of how negative it looks, both by you and her parents. And if she does nothing.....well, she is effectively choosing him.

She obviously gets a lot out of this relationship. I suspect he flatters her endlessly, if your comment about him giving her confidence. That implies he's feeding her the line that she's too good for friends/boyfriends/jobs he doesn't like/certain areas to live in etc. Its dangerous as she risks cutting herself off - BUT she is an educated woman who has been warned and it may be that the flattery is worth a certain amount of isolation to her.

Certainly there is no indication that his friendship is causing her any distress. Only you and her parents. She may admit that he's a bit manipulative, but we all have friends who we suspect of "a bit" of that - doesn't mean we dump them. We see them as much more good than bad, and we tell ourselves that if we see it, we can gently nudge back.

So I would say its unlikely she's going to dump him. They have a house together, she's in constant contact, she's getting mad at her parents defending him......

There are three of you in this relationship, and if push came to shove I'm not at all convinced she'd choose you. Sorry.

[smilingeyes79]

On one hand I think walk away - but I am fairly sure this older guy will use that to have more power 'I am the only guy you can rely on, that is there for you, I was right etc etc'

I would be inclined to play him at his own game .... Invite him and his wife out for dinner. Kill him with kindness would be my thoughts if you think she is worth it

All the best x

[thecageisfull]

I would walk away. There is a good chance that it isn't sexual, but whatever it is, it's too big to allow any space for you. He might not want to have sex with her himself but keep her as some sort of pure empty vessel - like someone else said, she is his creation.

[WhyDiagnose]

Op, I had a similar relationship to your gf.

I was a bit older, coming out of an abusive relationship. He had recently split up with wife number 3. He sought me out, befriended me, we shared a passion for a hobby. In all honesty I was in awe of him.

He was twice my age, charming, flattered me terribly, and was my confidant when dealing with XH.

I moved to live nearer to him.

I was terribly lonely, desperate for a father figure who appreciated me, and utterly fell for his patter that he wanted what was best for me.

I never found him physically attractive, but felt pressured to enter into a physical relationship with him, which was kept a secret.

If I spent time with friends I would get questioned. Any time I saw male friends I was told, "they only get you drunk so you'll amuse them".

Bit by bit it got more controlling and more stifling. In the beginning we had said that if we ever needed our own space from each other then that was great, when I asked for space I got, "you said you were happy always spending time with me, choosing space over me proves you were lying". It was at this point that I became very unhappy with the situation. I wanted to move on, but so much of my psychological health seemed tied up in him, he'd supported me so much, that I worried I couldn't cope in the real world without him.

One day I was talking to another friend (by then a rare occurrence) and I said that I didn't think we could be friends anymore because it was causing me problems with the older man. My friend told me that I should do whatever I needed to do, that it was up to me, and that all he wanted was for me to be happy.

It contrasted so sharply with the older man telling me how he'd got to an age where he had to put his happiness first, that I finally got the courage to make the break.

He had a very strong psychological hold over me. I can't describe it. But it was as damaging as it was supportive. It's almost as though he made up this story that we were bonded somehow, and I so wanted to believe it that I went along with it.

I made a complete break from him almost overnight. At first it was scary, but also an enormous relief. It became very clear, very quickly, that I did not need him, and in fact thrived without his jealousy and control.

Maybe it would be worth discussing with her what her fears are?

[MonetsGarden]

WhyDiagonse, thanks for your story - it sounds so alarmingly eerily similar. That's some good advise there. I will have to ask her what she is scared of.

Last night, we were out in a group of 5, and he had been texting her, so he knew she was out with a group including me, which had led to him texting this morning to find out whether she had stayed over.

Before the evening the evening, she had said she felt odd in big groups and liked the one to one interaction. Yet she said to me this morning, she felt great to be out with friends like this. I can see he wants her to himself

[MonetsGarden]

I have to go out so I won't be able to reply for a while, but thanks for all the advice

[WhyDiagnose]

Ah yes, I was very much "encouraged" to enjoy 'grown up' things, and mocked or told I was being used, if I wanted to do more age-appropriate going out with friends. He absolutely saw it as "I've done that stuff, it's not really worth anything, so you shouldn't do it".

If it is anything similar she will have been told what she likes and praised for being so mature and special for liking the things he's decided she should like.

It's a horrible situation. She will feel empowered for being treated like a "grown up" when in actuality, she's being trained like a child.

Him texting all the time is intrusive and designed to make her time away from him feel uncomfortable and as though she's doing something wrong.

If she's not ready to see the truth then she won't. My family hated the close "friendship" we had. He made sure he was constantly present when they visited, and if they criticised him he used it as evidence that my family were trying to control me.

[DeMaz]

Sugar Daddy, springs to my little tiny brain!

Sorry OP!

[ROUNDandROUNDINCIRCILESMORETHA]

They are either having an affair and she is in denial to you about it
Or its an open relationship.
i would walk away.

[BitOutOfPractice]

whydiagnose I held my beath when I read your post because it was SO familiar. So familiar I coud have written it myself.

I have cut off all contact with my "older male friend" but tbh it took solicitors getting involved in the end

It was such a relief I can't tell you. I thought it would be a massive hole in my life butin fact I have barely noticed his absence. TBH I wouldn't be surprise if he were reading this. He had stalkerish tendancies like the OP's example.

OP I'd say that this older man will be a problem inn your lives. he will not want to let her go for you. He will fight. It will get messy

[AdoraBell]

Agree, it's not healthy and he is not going to release his property willingly.

Because I'm sure that in some dark corner of his mind she is his property, he just won't use those words in RL, probably.

I also think you should finish this and tell her exactly why, as previously suggested.

[sonjadog]

The way I see it, this man has an unhealthly control over your friend, but now you want to go in and fix it for her that this guy is out of her life and you are her one and only boyfriend. But isn't that just substituting one man controlling what goes on in her life for another? Your friend needs to take the lead in her own life. That is why I think you should back off and let her get on with it herself. Tell her you would like to be more but aren't interested in anything while this guy is on the scene, and then back off, be a friend at a distance and let her sort out her own life.

[MexicanSpringtime]

he was saying things about me like "he's only trying to get in her pants"

Poor girl, I absolutely hate people that say things like that about people they don't even know, because he is actually telling your gf that nobody could possibly love her. So cruel.

[Meerka]

I can believe that it's not overtly sexual. More subtly, and perhaps without a finger being laid on her, it is.... but there's somethign even deeper at work here.

The power dynamic is very wrong here. Very.

Depends on how far you wish to go for (not with, for) her. Encourage her to get independence with her job, to have independent holidays with other friends. Dont make any sort of move youreslf at all, even when it seems like she's starting to break free, not until a few months after she's realised what's been going on. Support her in what she wants to do apart from this man.

If this isnt something you want to invest in then fair enough. simply walk away. It would be fair do's to tell her why though, calmly. She needs someone to point it out. But keep calm and don't get heated.

[QuintessentiallyQS]

Sorry, walk away.

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

Oh dear, so sorry, I agree with the other posters... time to walk away.