I don't think she loves me anymore...

[Bashfulbear]

Ladies, excuse me for imposing on your female's forum but I thought this may be a great place to come for some advice.
Yes, I am a man and very worried and upset about my marriage. I really need some help - can you lovely ladies provide some notions of wisdom please?
Scenario - been married for 15 yrs, 3 gorgeous children, nice house in expensive part if the country and relatively good job. All sounds good so far.
I love my wife and really fancy her all the time. But she has no connection with me it seems - she very rarely shows me any affection despite my attempts to say and do all the right things. I know if I talk to her about it will just get brushed under the carpet, especially as she hates confrontation and anything to do with relationships. I just feel like I can't win. I could go on and on but that'll do for now!
Any starting advice would be great.

[WildBillfemale]

OP - not saying this is the case with you but ime some women get complacent over their relationship with their H after kids come along, especially if they are a SAHM and sub conciously or otherwise H gets relegated to no more than bill payer who gets in the way of their routine.

There's no point me saying you are in a rut as you know this, If you are already not communicating well Why not try something that involves activity, say a sailing weekend/cycling weekend/camping for example. At least then talking & hopefully about how good/awful the 'thing' was may just ease open the lines of communication.

There is also the possibility that your wife knows talking about the situation may herald changes she's not ready to face yet.......

tbh I'd just show her this thread or put all your posts together in a letter to her - you explain how you feel about the situation quite well here.

[Smilesandpiles]

No, we never have time together - can never afford it time wise and financially

There's the problem right there.

Make the time to something together, anything, even if it's just a walk somewhere. Call in family and friends to babysit.

It doesn't have to be a fancy dinner out every time, just sitting on a bench somewhere quiet can be enough, or a picnic just the two of you or even as a family.

You know you are stuck in a rut. What do you do when something isn't working as well as it should have been? You start again don't you.

Think back to when you were first dating, I doubt that you both went out all of the time and some of the time you have together didn't cost a penny did it? THAT is where you need to go back to, making that connection again.

You can arrange all the weekends you want, but without that connection, that spark, it will be wasted, as you have found out. You are ground down by it all and so is she. It's like being at work 24/7, not getting a break, always having to watch what you say because of the customers... you're always on duty, always on call...do something that makes you both break away from that a few times a month. It doesn't even have to cost anything.

Sort out your finances so you can afford a babysitter, then MAKE the time to make this happen.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

It must be v difficult if she refuses to talk about this with you.

How long have you been feeling like this and did anything happen around that time?

If she won't talk or go to counselling or let you know what's going on, then it's hard to know what to suggest...

[lavenderhoney]

when you say you try and help round the house/ organise a massage for her you get nothing back, what is it you actually want back?

Helping round the house is not a bargaining tool. If you can't/ won't pull your weight get a cleaner to help her, don't just assume she can do it.

Organising a massage? Do you mean you call the spa and organise childcare? Or tell her she can spend money on it. Does she have her own money?

Have you talked to her yet?

And sex. Has that stopped?

[doziedoozie]

If you are married 15 years I would guess DCs are all over, say, 8. So imo should be past the 'very demanding' phase. There should be a lot of housework but the demandingness of toddlers and babies should be past.

If she is a SAHM should she be planning a career, if she is working should she, now they are older, be looking for further study?

It does sound like you are in a rut.

[Simplesusan]

Does she find you attractive?

Do you look after yourself and make the most of what youv'e got, or have you let yourself go?

How old are the dc?

Could you look at ways of making them less dependant on you, so that your dw is not as tired.

You need to talk to her and find out the real issues.

[wonderingwanderer]

Counselling? Any number of things might be the matter - from something that is massively important to her that you just isn't on your radar to the possibility that she might be abusive and withholding affection on purpose to unsettle and control you. Hard to say without more information but I think you need to seek further information somehow. Good luck, you sound like a good person!

[Joysmum]

Me and my DH got stuck in a rut when he thought providing nice things was more important than time together. I'd rather have less but have him. I told him so and it helped.

[Bashfulbear]

Umm - wo !
Really wasn't expecting such a response and thanks to those of you who have given me advice. Wasn't really expecting my character to be so scrutinised.
Basically, I'm just a simple basic bloke who wants to restore some magic back into my life. / marriage again. Our kids are great but very demanding (aren't they all?). My wife has a lot to put up with I know. I try so hard to do stuff around the house.
I organise for her to have weekends away, massages to relieve the stress of kids and work and frankly I get bugger all back. I'm just so lost and this is way too complex to write down but, jeez, I feel like I'm / we're in such a rut.
Neither of us are materialistic as some posters seem to think this may be a big factor.
I do know her and I know her v well.
No, we never have time together - can never afford it time wise and financially.
Thks for yr views so far.

[ThePinkOcelot]

Really makes me wonder sometimes why people bother coming on here for advice, some of the shitty responses they get!

[Doesntaddup]

How do you treat your wife? Do you treat her as an equal, with respect? Are there any issues of infidelity/family problems/trust issues ? Sorry to be so blunt, but I feel you're holding something back. Unless she is ill or clinically depressed, there must be some reason for her behaviour.

What do you most admire about her, other than the physical attraction?

Be honest with yourself, if you truly love her and want your marriage to be a happy one.

[Minus2seventy3]

Could be that the last thing he wrote in the "list" was how he loves and fancies his wife because he wants that point to be highlighted - stands out, save the best 'til last?... Maybe it's over thinking to break down the order of a list?

[Smilesandpiles]

Oh my fucking god...

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

Weird, I see loads of ops that say this- 'been with dh ten years, we have 3 dc (followed by dc ages usually) possibly followed by sahm/work pt/full time. It gives background info and context. Still this is meant to be very revealing because he doesn't get to the nub of the issue until the third para.

[thestamp]

actually looking back at the op you say this:

been married for 15 yrs, 3 gorgeous children, nice house in expensive part if the country and relatively good job. All sounds good so far.
I love my wife and really fancy her all the time. But she has no connection with me it seems

so the first thing you use to describe your relationship is that it's 15 years in length.
then that you have 3 children.
then the house.
then your job.
then that you love your wife and fancy her.

interesting to see what you put first in your description. what comes into your mind first when you think of your marriage.

[thestamp]

i do think it's very interesting how you describe your marriage/life.

if i described my marriage/life, i would say things like, we get on well, are a team, laugh together, love to lounge around together, have a lovely DS.

however you focus on material things first. then mention your children, and that your wife is attractive to you.

your wife, it seems to me on first glance, is a mystery to you.

was there ever a time you felt you knew her well?

what is her greatest passion?
what is her favourite place to go, and why?
if you and the children were not in her life, what would she be doing?

i get the distinct impression that you don't know this woman at all, and probably never have. that may be because she wanted a husband from whom she could remain distant, because she has deep-seated emotional problems. OR, it could be that YOU wanted someone distant, because you didn't want to put in any emotional work, and would rather just be taken care of by a wife. Or a combination of those.

have you ever had counselling, individual counselling i mean? if not, why?

[AnyFucker]

I wasn't talking about early responses, NotNew

[NotNewButNameChanged]

AF while I get your sentiment, this man (he might not like the word bloke ) comes on here for advice and the second reply he gets has a go at him for daring to use the word ladies

[AnyFucker]

I wonder why some posters use someone else's thread to criticise other MN posters

It seems a shitty thing to do, not least because this bloke is looking for advice and all he gets from some quarters is "MN is shit 'cos of X Y Z"

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"as a man you will always always be in the wrong no matter what you do"

Utter rubbish

[WildBillfemale]

lol housework mentioned in post 1 - got to be a record even for mn.

OP this IS mn - as a man you will always always be in the wrong no matter what you do, bad place to ask for advice if you are a man!

No sex - you've not done enough housework
bought her flowers - your a condescending sexist b'stard
use the term 'ladies' - it's the verbal equivalent of a patronising pat on the bum.
Try to talk to her - it's her right to remain silent
Try to cuddle her - it's her right to reject a cuddle
Try to be intimate - god forbid man you are a sex pest!
Do all the housework, cooking, childcare - you are a wet new man
Go out with your friends - you don't put family first
don't go out with your friends - you rely on her too much socially

get my drift?

As for your wife, sit her down and make her face the fact that something is off balance with your relationship and she needs to listen and take it seriously/act on it if you are to have a future.
The house, the kids, the lifestyle - you need to be higher on her list of priorities than you currently are.

[Bashfulbear]

Firstly, thank you to the amazing response. Never expected such a quick and frank set of replies! Secondly, to those who find the term/salutation "ladies" offensive, then I apologise - no intention of upsetting people ever intended.
I will come back to this later - have to get to the office! Thanks again for your thoughts /comments.

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

Just wondering if you are hoping for connection with DW through sex and she needs to have a connection first in other ways, through more communication and shared interests, humour, respect, any of those things ....

I think that can be quite a common male/female dynamic which might be worth exploring?

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

I disagree.

I think its really tough to post on here for advice, especially for men who don't know the forum well. I know even in my first few posts, I got the tone wrong. I've seen plenty of women do it too - "Hello Mummies/hello mums" that kind of thing. Ad I don't think it's cool to pick them up on it in relationship section.

I also think the way he described his relationship was sweet: The background is, no real money worries, no real parenting problems. He is telling us that these aren't issues - and he realises they are for many people.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Lemondough makes a good point. In a forum setting we only have one way of judging a post and that's the language used. English is a very nuanced language and the choice of words plus the style and tone adopted can provide quite a revealing subtext. So using the term 'ladies' and following up with a 'females forum'.... really does suggest someone who regards women as 'other. We could also deduce something from the attributes of his marriage as he sees them.... ie. nice/expensive house, three children and a wife he fancies. In a nutshell the OP is telling us that he's a reasonably high earner, fertile and that his wife isn't ugly. Someone else might sum up their marriage in a different way that would reveal something else about them.

So yes, Lemondough makes a good point and it's not 'vipers' leaping on men unfairly. It's called reading the subtext.