I need your help to help my wife

[HovePaul]

I'm not sure how to start this thread, so i'll just plunge straight in.

I met my wife at work a few years ago, and every time i saw her i got a lump in my throat and my heart would start banging like a drummer on speed.

We spoke a few times and i discovered that she's from Turkey, then i finally plucked up the courage to ask her out by writing a letter and getting a friend to translate it.

We got married ten months later, and we're still very much in love, but there's a huge problem that i can't see how to fix and i really want some help because i want my wife to be happy.


She's been here for almost 6 years now, and when she came over she was studying English. She's been working since then, but most of the friends she made have gone back to their respective countries.

She has a couple of friends at work, but not many as she prefers to have a few good friends than dozens of average ones. Outside of that, she barely knows anyone.

She gets on well with my friends, both male and female (they're almost all couples now), but is convinced that she would be a bother to them if she saw them socially without me.

She also gets bored very easily, and with her working weekends in a rubbish job and me working during the week, she has little to do.

I've tried interesting her in various hobbies, i've tried to cajole her into meeting up with her few friends, but she doesn't want to, as there are more complications.

She has a hearing problem due to having mumps when she was little, and is half deaf in one ear, and a quarter deaf in the other. This means she can't hear certain sounds, so she can't make them, giving her a slight speech impediment.

Despite being degree educated and having done several courses over here in her second language that would make my eyes pop if i tried to do them, she rarely gets an interview and when she does she says people are automatically assuming her English is bad, not her hearing.

The same goes for social situations and many people do find it difficult to understand her.

On top of that, she has hypothyroidism, which makes her depressed a lot of the time, and on top of THAT she's in the middle of being diagnosed with something that looks suspiciously like Crohn's disease, which makes even going out and having a coffee a risk, and can leave her in crippling pain all day, never mind actually daring to have lunch out.

In short, the woman i love is having a really, really hard time. She wants to meet like-minded people, or to develop a hobby or interest, but she's been knocked down, knocked back or rebuffed so many times that she's close to giving up.

I've even offered to move back to Turkey with her if that's what she wants, but she thinks our kids (when we have them) will have a better education and a better chance at life if they grow up in the UK.

She doesn't want to take anti-depressants, although she recognises that she's getting depressed, and i agree that they aren't the way forward.

What i do need, however, is some helpful advice because we both want to be as happy and stress-free as possible before we start trying to get pregnant.

Thanks in advance.

[Romeyroo]

Yes, I am also taking anti-depressants after a long time of thinking, I need to sort the issues, not medicate them! But I found it a downward spiral where I got less and less good at addressing problems, and the depression worsened, making it more difficult to address the problems. Anti-depressants have made me feel a bit more human, and addressing issues seems more manageable.

It sounds like the job situation has knocked her confidence. I am wondering if she needs to look beyond the agency she tried. If you are in a large town, what about the university? They are usually quite diverse places with lots of different roles and will recognise her degree. Also agree looking in the voluntary sector, maybe with organisations who work with BME women. It sounds like getting contacts is the first step.

[Dinnaeknowshitfromclay]

Absolutely vital when she goes for interviews to tell them that it's her hearing that's bad, not her English. I have been working with a lady and we all thought she was a bit 'odd' (not odd but... hard to explain - not really listening and a bit distant) and when she told us she had hearing issues it all fell into place and we all make more effort with her and her with us and we all get on like a house on fire now. It may be a small thing but important. I hire and fire and I would employ her despite her hearing loss.

[KiaOraOAotearoa]

Paul, I was in your wife's shoes, many years ago.
Looking back to the 20 years that have passed, I am none the wiser, but I can share a bit from my experience.

I was not a particularly maternal, homebody type of person. Before marriage and moving here I used to be somebody else, somebody living in a huge city, with a high flying amazing career, the type who never ever cooked etc. all that dissapeared and I found myself in a strange village with not a single familiar soul, sound or taste. I hated the f**ing bird chorus and the village shop, what the hell does somebody who lived in the city do with raw beetroot? Where are all the people??!!!!

I didn't fit for a very very long time. I began understanding the rules. I had a hard look at what is important to me, at what I am holding on closely from my previous life. I had to reinvent myself. But to get to that point I reached an all time low. Maybe I was depressed. Maybe I was just uprooted and threw over the water, I don't know, but it wasn't nice. You loose your identity. Messes with your head.
So I figured this much out: I want to be a mother to my child, not a gibbering mess. I had to learn who I wanted to be and then learn how to be that person. Becoming a mother gave me purpose, sounds really wrong, but it pulled me together. My DH's friends.... maybe they tried to be friendly, but I could not shake the feeling they're just watching me with interest for short bursts of time.

I made my own friends, but it took an awful long time. I am the proverbial social butterfly, I'll talk to anybody about anything, I am not exactly shy...around here they don't really do that, you haven't been introduced and your great great great grandad didn't go to X with their great great great... You get the drift, it is very traditional and conservative, I was the exotic intruder. That took me YEARS to get, I come from a continental city, we didn't have them chips.
In the end, I shrugged my shoulders: take me or leave me, this is who I am. I get your rules, I agree with some, with others not so much, wipe the dissaproval and the raised eyebrow, accept I am different, or not, egal. But I did question my own sanity and became ever so slightly paranoid.

Back to your DW: she'll get there. There isn't an immigrant I met who hasn't been in this position!
You become someone different, it's ok. It's nothing personal, it's just how things are. Take the best, make the most of what you get. It's a very solitary experience, being an immigrant.
Practical:

What hobbies does your DW used to have? As in back in Turkey? Does she enjoy reading, is she in a book club? Can she swim, is she willing to join an adult evening class? I bet she would be great with children, can she become a childminder? They're gold! Networking is the key.
Her speech/hearing impediment is a good way of sorting the good from the bad grains, you know. She just needs a sounding board, someone to validate her feelings. Yes, it's not easy or pleasant, but it does get better, promise.
I wear my pearl earrings as a badge of honour, you see ;)

[Boomerwang]

Tell her the hearing aids will change her life. I'm also nearly deaf in one ear and I have a very small aid which fits into my ear completely and it's made a wonderful difference to conversations. I know exactly what it's like when someone says 'what?' all the time or apparently forgets what you've just said (means they didn't hear it but didn't want to say) and it can strain relations.

I was proud of my hearing aid, I don't feel even the slightest bit embarrassed by it. I don't really understand why others do, unless theirs is very bulky and awkward looking.

[HovePaul]

Guys, thank you all for some amazing suggestions. I'm going to talk to my wife and put as many of them into practice as we can. I really appreciate the time you've taken to read this thread and give advice, i will let you know how we're doing once things settle down a bit :)

Thank you all,

Paul
x

[nocturnal123]

Hello,

May I suggest you look at the positives rather than the negatives ?

I have worked with 2 blind people, both had special computer screens. One worked in telesales, this is a job performed over the phone where nobody would ever know about their disability. Once I got to know these people I never saw their disability. Sometimes you just need to give people a chance to succeed.

My local bar lady was deaf and I only discovered this fact when I ordered a drink that she had not heard of, she used to lip read.

I have several friends who have food allergies or dietary requirements. Life goes on, most people know what food or drink is good or bad for them. I find if I am invited out it is easier to tell people in advance what I can eat, then they can accomodate me accordingly.

I would suggest that your wife tries some local volunteering. This has opened so many doors and opportunities for me in the past. Suggest try something, if it doesnt work out try something else.

Finally, I have found that you have to have a bit of a "thick skin", whereby I mean that you have to be prepared to go out there and make a bit of an effort !
You really have to want to change your life.
Most towns & villages have clubs to join and volunteering schemes to join. Info can be found via councils, libraries, charity websites etc

eg in my area

volunteer driving people to clubs or hospital appointments
volunteer visit elderly person or befriend via phone - free training given
volunteer first aid -free training given
volunteer repair footpaths
volunteer at local fair
volunteer to raise money for charity
volunteer at farm or stables
volunteer at childrens clubs scouts, swimming, crafts et
volunteer to be a mentor to child or adult
volunteer to litter pick
volunteer in hospital or hospice
volunteer in charity shop

start a small business like Avon or Betterware where you drop leaflets to houses then deliver the goods
you could try selling things at home via parties like clothes swap, Jamie Oliver kitchen tools, jewellery, candles, betterware, avon etc

if you have none of these you can try setting up your own



Good luck, please let us know if your situation improves

I hope this helps ?

[Boomerwang]

I second that volunteering can be helpful. When I found myself bored and never going out I did some volunteering. I listened to kids in schools read. I don't know how much of an impact I had, admittedly, as most of the kids just read whatever they were told to read and didn't take any of it in, and I was never asked about them, but I felt useful doing something I myself loved to do. I also volunteered at an animal shelter, which was cold, tiring labour cleaning out pens and runs, but it was for a very good cause. You meet new people all the time, people who also want to give their time, and the people they do it for. It opens your eyes. It's easy to find a reputable volunteering organisation online.

[MsVenus]

I would make sure thst she is receiving all the medical attention that she needs because that seems to be the cause of her problems. Can she not have discreet hearing aids fitted? Spec savers have started to do hearing tests, I think her confidence will improve massively once she can hear properly.

[lettertoherms]

I just want to say you and your wife sound like lovely people, Paul. I hope the best for you.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

ecctis.co.uk/naric/

NARIC helps people to prove their equivalent qualifications from outside the UK to the UK...for exactly the reasons in your wife's situation.

Often people can't cope with multiple difficulties and disabilities, they always seem to go for the easiest 'reason' that people are different in their eyes as their brain makes the leap from 'not-native' to 'not able to understand' rather than 'not able to hear'. That's coming from a non-native that looks like a native...people just make the quickest assumption until they know otherwise.

I just want to wish her all the best, it isn't easy moving countries let along with other personal difficulties and illnesses to cope with. Can she find a Turkish community and search for accountancy jobs in Turkish companies/small businesses that might need accountancy work doing?