i am going to tell him i know...i would really appreciate some hand holding..

[kittycat5]

I was very very happy with my husband...We had been together 6 years although only married for 3...I adore him and he certainly had adored me until about December last year when he became cold and distant. In January he said he didn't love me anymore and the reasons were that I was too messy (I always have been); and that I didn't spend enough time with him -this is certainly true...In retrospect I was so certain of him I took him for granted...and I have children, grand children, an elderly mother (none of whom drive) a full on profession which meant working about 45-50 hours per week and was doing a doctorate..I also have pernicious anaemia which means I get Very tired and need to sleep a lot when I am coming up to my injections.......anyway he left and I suspected he was having a relationship with a colleague from work (he works as a carer with people with learning disabilities) as their work means being in each others company overnight and taking clients on nights out to concerts and the theatre (in short doing things with her we weren't doing together) prior to leaving he had stayed up after a night shift to give her a lift home after a weekend away and had done maintenance in her home whilst ignoring ours. He also went for long walk with her in local woods....He said they were just friends and was annoyed with me for feeling threatened. ..anyway in when he said he didn't love me (sorry if this is disjointed) I told him he had to leave and he went to his mother's then to a rented house. ..I told him that what I couldn't change I realised I had to accept (he was denying affair and saying he just didn't love me anymore) I said I would make separating as easy as possible. ...I became extra depressed and latterly got diagnosis of bipolar....He was so nice ...He took me out...took me shopping (holding my hand) did things in the house...I believed he might change his mind and come home...We were still having see. ...anyway my medication meant I couldn't drive....on Friday I was told I could do very short jjourneys if I felt up to it...I had something to give to him (a hand printed tee-shirt) so today i went round to give it to him and he was obviously getting ready to go out...i asked him where he was going (not in sleep threatening way) and he said he was going shopping...I said could I go with him and he said no and said he was going to see his mother too...I started to cry (I am really isolated because of the limitations to my driving) and he said he would call in to mine on way to work c tonight but I can't go with him now....anyway I went to my car and thought-he took his mother shopping yesterday so he doesn't need to go shopping today or to see her...so I followed him in my car. (He wouldn't have been able to tell) and he went neither to his mother's or to the shops...but to a residential area where I believe the woman I was wary of lives....I drove home really distraught. ..I had believed we could get back together ..that's what he was making me think....He is going to call in on his way to work tonight and my plan is to tell him I know of the relationship...then not see him again ...Please could you let me know this is right....I love him...

[kittycat5]

my previous relationship had made me feel really ugly, fat and unattractive..but my husband made me feel good about myself...i dont understand how he could just go off me and move out and on to somebody else

[Fontella]

Kitty - he's moved out and moved on sweetheart and so must you.

All you are going to elicit from him if you cry and get upset in front of him, is his pity at best, and that's the last thing you need.

As others have said, any 'honest' conversation you have is going to be one sided. You will be honest, he will lie and minimise, as he's been doing all along and it won't change anything in the long run anyway, just serve to upset you further and probably give you more questions than answers. Also you blaming yourself to a certain extent - 'I am messy, I didn't spend enough time with him' etc. etc. - all bollocks! Stop blaming yourself for his behaviour. He had an affair because he chose to have an affair, that's the bottom line.

Why is he 'calling in to see you tonight' For what possible purpose? To check on you, make sure you are 'ok'? Why? What good will it do? If you want to tell him you know about the affair, ok - do it in an email or a text or a brief call, but don't turn it into a discussion because you will only end up getting more upset.

You are far better of going no contact. Just claiming some time for yourself without him in it - to think, to spend some time completely away from him to sort our your feelings and emotions which are clearly all over the place at the moment.. Stay away from him and ask him to stay away from you. Tell him you are fine and there's no need for him to call in, and then starting setting about taking care of YOU.

He knows what he's missing. He's been with you for six years and he no longer wants to be with you. Harsh I know, but true. What he sees is a sad, desperate woman who would have him back at the drop of a hat. If you want him to see what he's missing then gather your self respect and resolve to get yourself in the best shape you can - emotionally, physically, logistically ... and then let the cheating bastard see what's he's missing, not the emotional wreck he's turned you into.

It sounds like you have an incredibly busy life with your mum, job, kids and grandkids and you don't need all this emotional turmoil on top of that. Take stock of what you have in your life right now (it sounds like a lot) and what you need to make things better for you and to put it bluntly, fuck him. He's clearly off doing his own thing with OW and has been for some time, so let him get on with it and put all your energy into yourself and those others in your life who haven't shat all over you as your husband has done.

[dollius]

Because he was a complete user and a total arsehole. It's just that your "arsehole radar" is off because of all the abuse you have suffered in the past. The Freedom programme is specifically designed to help you re-set this radar, so you can tell what normal boundaries are and when people are crossing yours.

You are NOT any of the things those vile men made you feel. And you need to stop worrying about WHY your H did these things. It only matters that you learn to spot when people are damaging you.

You see, someone with normal, functioning "arsehole radar" certainly WOULD mind that someone was taking total financial advantage of them. And nice people don't take advantage of others like this. People who do are arseholes - ie your husband.

None of this is your fault lovey, but you need a bit of help to rebuild your self esteem, which I suspect has been on the floor for some time now, and to work out why you think you are worth so little that it is ok for people to crap all over you. You are worth so much more, you are a lovely person.

You do not deserve this sort of treatment. No-one does.

[Fontella]

I've just realised I have missed a whole page of responses to this thread, so my rather long reply may not be as relevant as I thought it would be when I posted it.

Hopefully still something in there that might help.

[kittycat5]

Dollius i have very recently got a diagnosis of bipolar....thats how i was spending extravagantly...i am certainly not on a high now ...i am receiving treatment though and i have a nurse seeing me once a week (it was everyday for some time)

[kittycat5]

fontella your post was very kind though...and i do realise i need to stop seeing him...i just keep thinking after the [ insert anything]
he cuddles me, holds my hand, kisses me...
although last night when he came around he could hardly look me in the eye which would be because he had spent the afternoon with OW after having lied to me, he doesnt know that i know that and i decidedd not to tell him

[kittycat5]

i think i know where my bad radar comes from...i was sexually abused by a relative when i was a child and my parents didnt believe me...they said i ha a vivid imagination...

[dollius]

Yes, you see the message your parents gave you back then - loud and clear - was that you didn't matter. Your feelings and pain were irrelevant and could be ignored.

This has become part of your programming and you need to de-programme. Your parents let you down very badly. What happened to you as a child was not your fault, was not a figment of your imagination and was absolutely horrendous.

I really do hope the Freedom programme helps you, but you could possibly do with individual counselling as well. I really would go to see your GP as you do sound depressed to me.

[kittycat5]

Dollius i have very recently got a diagnosis of bipolar....thats how i was spending extravagantly...i am certainly not on a high now ...i am receiving treatment though and i have a nurse seeing me once a week (it was everyday for some time)

[dollius]

Good - do you think you could ask the nurse about a referral for counselling? I think it could help you a lot to process your past to help you move on to a healthier frame of mind.

And, trust me, you will feel better. I was in a terrible, terrible place 10 years ago. I thought I would never get out of it - absolutely rock bottom. My life now is unrecognisable with wonderful DH and three gorgeous DC and a fantastic life overseas (I think the overseas - ie away from my toxic parents - helps!)

It took a lot of counselling and a realisation - and acceptance - that I would be on ADs for life to get here. If I can do it, trust me, so can you.

[kittycat5]

i have found a womens centre fairly close to me who offers counselling and the counsellor is going to ring me back tomorrow.

[dollius]

That's brilliant kitty. You are really doing well - well done for mustering the strength and will to do it. I really, really wish you the best.

[dollius]

By the way, just to forewarn you, be prepared to sink lower during counselling before you start to feel better. When I had my absolute rock-bottom crisis, it was around three months into counselling. It is normal, apparently, and part of the process, so don't be scared.

[kittycat5]

i am nt very optimistic though...i am in my 50s and feel i have lost such a lot (although i know i also have alot as i have family who love me) notbeing able to drive and living in the sticks has left me very isolated

[dollius]

I'm no spring chicken either and it is never too late to make your life a happier one. You can even learn to drive if you want to!

[kittycat5]

i can drive but my psychiatrist isnt allowing me too...i have a brand new car which i bought whilst i was high sitting on my drive!

[sisterofmercy]

Considering the barriers you have experienced in the past it is impressive with what you've done to fight back - getting treatment for your illnesses, getting educated, working bloody hard, ditching the shits, starting the Freedom course. You're pretty awesome really.

[AnyFucker]

I second the "awesome" bit. You are seeking help for yourself from parties that want to help you. Hoping for crumbs of "support" and kindness from this shitty bloke is not going to help you. Stay away from him and only allow people into your life who bring good things.

[dollius]

I third the "awesome" bit.

[kittycat5]

blush ...i AM trying to sort myself out....i have contacted university to see about paying them and have looked at my outgiongs which as i am now on half pay are £800 more than my incomings...but at least i know what i am facing...i have done 2 of the modules of the freedom project this afternoon...i havent contacted him today, he has contacted me to tell me that one of the pets we share has been badly injured.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Oh bless you.
You really have been through the mill throughout your life.
And you are turning them around.
Good for you.
Don't forget, you probably have a good 30 years plus left here and these ones will be the happy ones.
Keep coming on here for support.
Well done on doing the Freedom Programme so quickly.
Do get some counselling though, you went through so much as a youngster, so take any help you can get now.
You sound so much stronger the more you post.

[kittycat5]

i have done loads today

• started freedom programme
  *found a local councillor who wont charge
  *found a women's centre who have a craft group
  *worked out exactlyhow bad my financial situation is
  *spoken to an adice worker
  *spoken to university about my fees.....
  
  had a talk with one of my daughters
  
  Hurrah for me!!

[AnyFucker]

[kittycat5]

thank you...and dollius how did you do it? what was most helpful?

[mummytime]

You are doing brilliantly!

Things I would advise putting on your list are:
booking an appointment with CAB to see a debt adviser - to help sort out your money issues,
tell your health professionals about what has been/is going on in your life now,
look after yourself - eat, drink, sleep - you are worth it!