Are you happily unmarried or are you dying to be asked the big question?

[starshaker]

I have been married before and it was the biggest mistake of my life. Ive now got a fantastic guy who has been married twice before. People keep asking if were engaged yet. We both feel the same about marriage and have agreed that neither of us want to get married again.

So is it that unusual to agree that marriage is completely off the table

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

@TheCunkOfPhilomena... if the will has been made properly and is current then it should be fine The 'catch' is if the estate of the first one to die is valued over the Inheritance Tax threshold. If the remaining partner is not a spouse or a civil partner, they are liable for IHT. This can and does occasionally lead to bereaved cohabitees having to sell up in order to meet the tax obligation.

[TheCunkOfPhilomena]

Thanks for that Cog, I think I may need to have a chat with them when they get back from holiday, maybe they've tied the knot this time .

[Jan45]

So anyone who decides to take their man's name is sad, I don't think so, it's surely an individual's choice, whatever their reasons may be.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"It's sad because it's often done thoughtlessly and for no other reason than 'it's tradition, isn't it?'"

Cohabiting is often done with even less thought, that's the problem. So often people (women... ) are persuaded to move house, drop careers, have kids, pay towards mortgages for houses they don't actually own... and get sold this silly line that 'I don't need a piece of paper to show you I love you'. At least the most rudimentary wedding requires a bit of planning.

[usuallysuspect]

We have been happily unmarried for 35 years.

Works for us.

[Thurlow]

If your DP rather than DH dies, you don't get "bugger all" - you only get bugger all if you haven't made a will, taken out life insurance to be paid to your partner, made sure your pensions are made out to your partner - three things that actually cost less than the average civil wedding to arrange.

Inheritance tax is the biggie; it won't apply to everyone, but once you are over that threshold then yes, you do need to consider what you are doing.

You can try and make what are referred to as 'no-nup' agreements that try and make provisions for financial differences within a relationship but they are not a legal standard yet and may require testing by court.

But as long as you both have your own incomes (even if you then pool it and own your house and car together etc) and you aren't over the IHT threshold then the financial protection aspect of marriage is a relatively moot point.

[LineRunner]

OH and I will never marry.

I had a marriage that was ended so casually by my ExH, I couldn't believe it was so easy for him to just leave me and our young DCs. The 'protection of marriage' meant sod all - in fact I had to buy him out of the house just so our children had somewhere to live - and it has left a bitter taste. The divorce was expensive and stressful.

Never again. And I didn't change my name!

OH feels battered by the process of marriage and divorce as well. He also got left casually and unexpectedly with the DCs, and doesn't receive child support.

I think what I'm saying is that we feel marriage afforded us and our children no protection, but ending the marriages legally created almost unbearable stress which really took its toll.

[ChocolateWombat]

Some people see marriage as having lots of negative connotations. However, mostof these do not have to apply. Women can keep their own name. It is not necessary to have a huge expensive wedding. Being married today doesn't mean women being subservient to their husband, as it might have done in the past. Marriages in 2014 are modern marriages.

No one has to justify why they aren't married (there was a thread about this last week) but people seem to be doing that here, using some of the reasons above, which seem like poor kind of reasons to me.

It did make me laugh, that one poster said she had been happily unmarried in about 5 relationships. The fact these relationships have all ended shows she was right not to marry, seeing as marriage is a lifetime commitment. I know lots of marriages break down, but the intention for them to be lifetime is there at the start.

I think the answer to whether people are happily unmarried is largely determined by the circles people move in and partly by age. By 35, in some circles, almost everyone with children is married. Remaining unmarried can make people feel uncomfortable, although of course they can do what they like. Unmarried in those circles have mostly seemed keen to get married (the ones I've met anyway)
In other circles and esp amongst younger couples, few people are married and it is not seen as the norm. In circles where few people ever marry, those people do seem happy to me.

Sorry to post as a married person. Just my observations. As time goes on, the unmarried circle diminishes. I have only 1 friend left who is in a long term relationship with children, who is unmarried and she is getting married this summer after 11 years. She has been patiently waiting and is thrilled.

[ExBrightonBell]

Chocolate, my DP and I are both well over 35. Nearly every couple we know is married, including nearly all of our siblings. This in no way makes me uncomfortable being the only unmarried couple! Not even slightly - because I am not interested in marriage as a concept. What other people do is up to them and doesn't impact on me or my DP. I am happy to go to other couples weddings as that's what they want to do. It's not what I want to do, and the fact that they have all done it doesn't even cross my mind.

[MrWalletwithMothsonboard]

Sad too that when these committed common law unions break up and the man quite happily marries his subsequent partner. this has happened to a few people I know.

[Xenadog]

Cogito I think it was me - and it was happily unmarried in 3 not 5 relationships although they were for 10, 5 and 2 years respectively. I could have married any of them and one man I did live with for 8 years and when we split I walked away with a sofa and fridge freezer! (Admittedly that was my choice). Through those three relationships I had loads of pressure from the men and friends and family to get married but it truly was the last thing I wanted.

Once children are in the equation things do change - and whilst DP and I have wills and all sorts of insurance policies so neither is left in a mess should one of us die there is still the fact that I am the one reducing my hours, seeing my career go on the back burner and being financially dependent on someone who at any point could tell me to leave his house. I would like something which offers me a bit more protection than I have at the moment and that one thing is marriage.

[Xenadog]

Sorry I meant ChocolateWombat

[blueeyedmonster]

I was unmarried but desperate to be. Approx 5 years ago my mindset changed and I was happily unmarried, would have said no if he'd asked. Now I'm single!

[Glastokitty]

I didn't take my husband name thoughtlessly, I did it because my maiden name was shit and hard to spell (and my dad's name anyway), and my husband's name was very cool. I suppose if I wanted to show I was rejecting the patriarchy I should take my mother's name but thats even worse. I'm not sure how hanging on to my dad's name would have shown I was rejecting the patriarchy anyway.

[charlietangoteakettlebarbeque]

I've been with partner for 13 years, we aren't married. We have one ds. We live with my mum in a housing trust flat. The flat will be passed to me when she dies but when I die, it will not be passed to my ds unfortunately.

We both have temp jobs. Neither of us have money saved.

My dp will eventually get a large inheritance, when his parents die. I will get a small amount from my mum when she dies.

Would there be any point, financially speaking, in us getting married?

Sorry, clueless.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Do you wish to marry this man?. How does he himself feel about marriage?.

Yes it would make financial sense and sense in all sorts of other areas as well. In law currently you are seen as two separate individuals who are not related to each other. Your situation in a legal sense is not straight forward at all and it would take some considerable time, expense and effort to sort it all out if either he or you was to die suddenly. He in law is not regarded as your next of kin; your parents are (same with yourself).

Joint wills leaving everything to each other is all fine and dandy and some posters on here and people are aware that such things are necessary. Many in the UK are not and remain unaware till this happens to them and reality hits home.

Making wills as well does not cover all legal eventualities and niceities. The fact remains that unmarried partners are still not entitled to receive Widowed Parents Allowance which is currently a max of £110 a week. Also as an unmarried partner your status is not recognised in law. You cannot open Letters of Administration either for the other deceased person in the relationship if you are unmarried and that brings with it a whole heap of problems as well, on top of your own mourning the deceased (and dealing with his/her parents who may have their own ideas as to wishes of the deceased and what is what). I think at one time you could not even choose a headstone. There's a whole lot of stuff that cannot be covered by the mere fact of having joint wills.

[charlietangoteakettlebarbeque]

Wow

Thanks attila I didn't realise any of that stuff.

I have mixed feelings about marriage. This is mainly because my dp doesn't believe in marriage, and I do not want to marry someone who isn't 100% happy to do so.

I did once propose to him and we had a short engagement. I called it off though as his heart wasn't in it and it just wasn't working. This was years ago now.

But I am starting to think about it again now. Not only for financial reasons but also I have a different surname to my ds. I didn't think it would bother me but he's 2 now and when I speak to places like his nursery and doctor, I really don't like giving my name as different to his.

I don't care about all the white wedding bollocks. And although my dp has said "one day" it will happen, I don't know if it will.

I actually feel quite upset about it right now. But that could be because I'm lying in bed sick, tired and hormonal (on me monthlies!).

[tiawalters]

Unfortunately, in these day and age marriage brings most women a level of financial security that no other institution, not even job or career does.

DP are I were extremely anti marriage when we first met. Both were children of divorcees with a bad history of court battles and the rest. Weddings, marriages, the whole lot made me cringe bit time.

That until I had my son and found myself working part time, depending not completely but to a large extent on my partners income.

We had bought a flat that was on both our names, and inheritance is complicated and unfair when you're not married.

So we decided to get married for very unromantic reasons and I feel less and less uncomfortable to say it. We just went to the register office with a couple of friends and invited them to a posh restaurant. Didn't expect presents or money from any of them.

People generally smirk at our lack of effort. But I think the lack of effort reflected more how we felt about marriage than how we feel about each other.

[KouignAmann]

I am newly engaged to my lovely DP this week. We have both been married before and were in no rush to do it again. But now we are buying a house and looking into wills and next of kins stuff it became obvious that it would protect both of us. I earn a great deal more than my DP and he would get half my pension if anything happened to me. So I want to get married to give him more security and to save tax for our kids in the long run.

[Lottapianos]

Kouign, those all sound like excellent reasons for getting married. Some people take the piss with comments like 'oh how very romantic!' When people talk about the sound financial reasons for marriage which hacks me off no end. Life is not a fairytale and there is nothing wrong with bring pragmatic.

Despite my grave reservations about marriage as an institution, I'm finding the financial arguments on here quite persuasive. DP and I have a joint mortgage on our flat, both work full time, earn pretty much the same and are not planning to have any children. Would we have anything to gain financially by getting married?

[Thurlow]

Lotta, I'd imagine just IHT in your situation?

[Lottapianos]

Inheritance tax? Thanks Thurlow :-) still hoping civil partnership will be an option instead but its worth thinking about

[PuppyMonkey]

Happily unmarried 20 years come October.