Is our peaceful marriage unusual and / or boring?

[thepianoteacher]

I am 38 and have been with my husband for 20 years, married for 2 years. He has a good job and I don't really work other than some part time work from home which is because I enjoy it rather than the money.

My personality is very laid back and easy going, I am quite sensitive and so like to avoid a lot of stress but at the same time I genuinely never get annoyed at my dh. Friends and family always seem at loggerheads with their partners over jobs needing done or their dp's behaviour but it never bothers me, mainly because he doesn't do anything to upset me. He watches football and goes to the gym and plays golf but then I have my own hobbies and we always spend time together on our shared interests such as watching movies, cooking and travel. We get along really well but we also have our own space. I think we just accept each other, we are best friends and our sex life is still really good.

It wasn't always so great, he used to be years ago very moody and would get very angry at me over the smallest thing and I would get very upset, cry and make it worse but that hasn't happened for years now. I am happy with our peaceful marriage but it seems very different to other marriages. Certain of my friends find it odd that we don't fight and that I don't ever get mad at him, he honestly never gives me cause. I never got angry really with anyone for any reason its just not my nature.
One friend said she would be bored in a marriage like mine without passion. We have a great sex life after 20 years together but its true we aren't always falling out and making up.

Anyway I just wondered what an objective audiance thinks, are we normal or unusual? I guess it doesn't matter too much but I am curious to know how common our dynamic is and if others really would be bored with our style of marriage?

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

I think it's a time thing. DP and I have been together over 20 years. we argue much less than we used to.

Basically I am desensitised to his annoying habits like losing his keys/bank cards and being late for everything. I have just learned to work around them cos me yelling at him ain't gonna change him.

I am also inured to his slight tendency to be selfish about having time for his hobbies, having realised that he is quite happy for me to enjoy the same priviliges.

I suppose it is about acceptance.

[BillyBanter]

Sort of. Harmony doesn't make for an interesting OP.

[AMumInScotland]

Horses for courses.

The only thing that would potentially worry me is the idea that he 'used to be' moody. Did that really change? Or are you just getting well practiced at putting up with it, and avoid doing things that upset him?

So long as you are actually happy, and don't spend your time placating him to avoid arguments, then it seems healthy and normal to me!

[ApoqA]

ThePianoTeacher. I could have written your OP - practically word for word! The only difference is that I have been living with my DH for 30 years (since I was 18).

We bumble along really happily, we laugh and we enjoy each other company, however, we do our own thing quite a lot too. Sex life is great too. I always say if you find it boring being with the same person so long then you are doing it wrong

I am not saying it's always 100% lovey dovey, we can irritate each other and can occasional have a little snap at each other but most the time we get on really well. I feel loved and very secure.

[ManWithNoName]

Me and DW have been together 30 years too. Our friends say we used to argue a lot but now don't.

We are together all day most days and we get on better than we used to. We are both first born children and very strong characters so inevitably issues need to be argued through and debated. Its still true me and DW have to something 'my way' or sparks fly. Now we have learned to not interfere in what the other person is doing but we value the other's opinion and ask advice from each other

We have other friends who still have screaming matches at each other when we visit but both again first born. Clearly in love though.

Is the sullen, silent, tolerating each other type of marriages that I can't fathom why people stay in them. We had friends that literally never argued. They then suddenly and catastrophically split up.

[sisterofmercy]

There's a lot to be said for contentment. Long may it continue.

Not everyone is obsessed by status and money. When you said: "I would prefer to have less money and him around more than the fancy job" it showed you truly valued his company. I bet that made him feel quite warm inside.

[noddyholder]

We don't really argue been together 22 years.

[christinarossetti]

OP (and other non-arguing couples) - do you mind me asking if you have small children?

Dh and I don't live a life of high drama or falling out and making up, although we were definitely at our most snappy with each other when children were very young.

[flappityfanjos]

We are unfighty and have a four year old. A few more cross words have been exchanged since she was born, but still nothing I'd actually call an argument.

[ladywhitehands]

I think its unusual most couples fight a fair bit to the degree its water off a ducks back. Not boring but not exciting either, it depends on the people thrill seekers will always make like interesting for themselves one way or another.

[ProfYaffle]

Dh and I don't really argue either. fwiw dh would have made the same call as yours about the job. We're very much work to live rather than live to work types, dh is very intelligent and capable but doesn't want a heavy workload/travel etc.

[noddyholder]

We are the same re work too maybe that is part of this? We both decided time was more important than money but in doing so actually ended up better off than if we both had ft jobs. Being around and not being stressed has really benefitted us

[ThisBitchIsResting]

Our relationship was like yours OP until we had children.

Now it's a constant battle as neither of us get enough time to ourselves, or time with each other to reconnect where we're not both shattered and in need of our own space. DC are both preschool though so reading other replies gives me hope of getting our chilled and happy relationship back! We don't thrive on arguments.

[ProfYaffle]

Could be Noddy, we're fairly laid back personality types, the polar opposite of 'driven'! It must be linked.

[noddyholder]

Same. We have succeeded in carving out the life we want in spite of ourselves really! (I am a bit lazy)

[ouryve]

Compared with so many of the alternatives, "boring" is good.

[fancyanotherfez]

We used to argue loads about housework mainly and competitive tiredness when the kids were really little. Now we hardly argue. I ask if I want him to do the dishwasher and we don't really fancy arguing. I don't know why. Maybe it will all implode into a simmering pit of resentment because we haven't had a humdinger of a row for ages but maybe we'll just muddle along. Who knows?

[Owllady]

We have been together 18 years, married for 17 years this year and we don't really argue much either any more. I think we still annoy one another :o but we have learnt to avoid so much conflict and I think that's normal, rather than abnormal.

[ouryve]

And DH and I occasionally snap at each other and sometimes bicker over really silly things (usually if he forgets I'm not like the women in his family and starts mansplaining, but that doesn't happen as often as it used to) but generally, our co-existence is pretty peaceful. With 2 kids with SN, we don't have much energy left to argue, even if we did have that tendency, as a couple.

[ProfYaffle]

We're a lot lazy! I remember talking to someone once who was horrified that I described dh as lazy, "what would he think if he knew you were talking about him like that?", I said "Well he'd agree"

[Owllady]

Lol ouryve. That's the same here too as our eldest has severe sn.
I reckon we have beat the odds anyway sticking together through that/this iykwim. It also gives you perspective

[GarlicMayHaveNamechanged]

Sounds like you're compatible :) It would be nice to hear more detail from the settled & still in love couples, about what happens in your household when things occur that would be flash points for many.

I'll always be argumentative - I actively enjoy arguing and it's hard to find other people who know how to argue. This isn't about shouting & crying arguments, though; I hold strong opinions and enjoy challenging them. I want the same in a partner.

The majority of couples who never argue, ime, are afraid of confrontation or just don't care. That's really unhelpful for one's mental health and the relationship. But, of course, there are plenty of others who simply see eye-to-eye on most things, are equal, and have already resolved their niggles :)

So come on, all you latter types! Share, for the good of womankind!

[GarlicMayHaveNamechanged]

We're a lot lazy! I remember talking to someone once who was horrified that I described dh as lazy, "what would he think if he knew you were talking about him like that?", I said "Well he'd agree" - - Love this, Yaffle!

[MewlingQuim]

I had the so called 'passionate' relationship with my xp.

Dh has been 'boring' for 15 years now.

I love being 'boring' it's much nicer

[noddyholder]

We are still quite passionate I don't think being great friends who don't argue means its dull. We always take the path of least resistance and put our free time way above work in the priority list. When those times occur we are both good at walking away I am slightly more volatile and short fuse-y but I step back and try and think back to who we were when we first met and who we still are.Our only ds is at uni and so its just the 2 of us a lot of the time and I think being friends has made the transition easy and enjoyable too