Don't get why I am upset ex boyfriend has moved on?!!

[Belle12]

Can anyone else relate to this?

We had been in a relationship for 2 1/2 years (not living together). I ended things romantically almost 6 months ago (after much fretting about hurting his feelings) because I could not see a future with him and didn't think we were compatible. I still think that and know it was the right thing for both of us. We remained friendly with him still coming round, keeping in touch daily and helping out with things (though sometimes this almost seemed like him wanting to keep the door open so to speak though I was careful to keep things friendly only).

So why am I upset now that he has moved on and is dating someone new? I only found out as I saw his profile on a dating website and asked him about it. I'd made a profile without intending to date as I know I'm not ready to, just wanted to see what was out there. Up comes his profile at the top of the search list and first thought was "oh, ok". Then "good on you". Then I got peeved as he had not said he was looking to date again. Just sort of felt that he was keeping quiet about it, probably because there wasn't much to say.

I don't get why I feel so blooming teary about it? I'm not attracted to him so what's wrong with me?!! :-/

[yummymumtobe]

I think it sounds like its definitely best for you to move on Belle and good on your for being strong and realizing this! I Didn't realize you had been married before and had children so that definitely makes a difference. You are a package and if he was just interested in you on your own then you're right, it probably wouldn't have worked in the future. Keep being strong and maybe think about getting out there again. I know it's nerve wracking, but just put the profile up and who knows? Maybe him moving on will give you the impetus to try yourself too?

[Belle12]

Will bear that in mind. It was always text messages and never calls, one of the things that bugged me about him!

[MrWalletwithMothsonboard]

I will Belle, you have helped me no end. Just one last thing, the lack of texts and phone calls is excruciating!!! ;) so be warned. x

[Belle12]

Sorry MrWallet, sent post before I was finished. Just need to believe that I can do this and be self reliant. Thanks again

[Belle12]

Thanks MrWallet, I'm trying hard to be brave and need to belibeve Hope you have a good week too. Feel free to PM me if you would like.

[MrWalletwithMothsonboard]

Belle, you sound so strong tonight!!

No you did not stir up negative emotions, they were already stirred. ;).

I think the trouble is that months down the line, which is what I am, you start to forget the bad and start thinking of the good. When we first split, I was euphoric to be free and could breathe again.

I think the thing is that I know I cannot go rushing into another relationship, even if I could find one as I have to work through why I am so willing to bend to the will of others, and many other issues.

I really want to get to the state of being me again, yes there are bad days, but that feeling of self reliance you can have, and not as you said earlier the abandonment feeling.

I also have not started yet making a new life. Still licking my wounds I think. I do have plans for some classes but they don't start until September.

Anyhow, have a good week and remember to keep strong. I will do the same. :)

[Belle12]

Sorry Brokenhearted , I think you said that before. Hope things are good for you now.

[Belle12]

And I do get the feeling he was possibly starting to enjoy the attention of new gf and keeping ex gf as still good friends and I'm not having that!! I don't think he would either if the boot was on the other foot.

[Belle12]

Hi Yummy
First response I typed went missing! I'm glad you posted, you raised some really good points and I have gone through all those thoughts. It's definitely not a case of 'sex off the boil'.

We didn't make each other happy as a couple, different outlooks and no future plans. 5, 10, 15 years down the line and nothing would have changed. I think ultimately he didn't want to settle down with someone who had children (new lady has no children) but just couldn't say it. He never pressed for us to spend any time at his, we were always at mine. He resisted going on holiday with me and the kids last year but was happy to go for weekends away just the two of us. Lots of different things and as I think of them and type them I wonder even more why I feel so upset but I think it's just something I have to work through.

I know sometimes couples give up relationships too easily but like MrWallet said some wait and wait for things to change when it's clear they're not going to. I made that mistake in my marriage and ultimately ex H left for someone else anyway (for the second time). I have made mistakes since divorce. I think that's why I don't want to settle and with ex bf that isn't an option now anyway as he has moved on.

[Belle12]

MrWallet, I hope I have not stirred up negative emotions for you, I appreciate all your comments, just chatting with you has really helped.

I think the more relationships we have that don't work out the more we learn about ourselves and know what we don't want in a partner. And hopefully the better equipped we will become to form better relationships. That's the theory I am working on now. Each day is a step forward to feeling better and we will feel better!

[Belle12]

Brokenhearted, he's probably suffering from dented ego and a bit if a weirdo. Clearly he's not happy with his own life, sees you enjoying yours and envy creeps in so he has a go. Did you delete or block him in the end?

[MrWalletwithMothsonboard]

Belle you did a good thing to make that break. I know how hard it is. Funnily enough I think reading this thread has brought back a lot of emotions. They do seem to come and go.

For some reason I find Sundays the most difficult. I never used to see him anyway on a Sunday as we were on a strict routine to fit in with his activities, but looking back I think I used to get down as a kid even on Sundays.

I really hope this feeling goes soon though as its getting to me. Yet Thursday I felt like the old me again.

My son reckons it took him a year and a half to really feel nothing for his ex girlfriend. Yikes.

Good you have kids to keep you occupied. :)

[Belle12]

Hi MrWallet, your brain transplant comment made me laugh!

Have parted ways completely as friends today, all v amicable but he is absolutely clear and accepting that there will be no contact further contact.

I'm up and down but mostly getting on with things at home and planning my week. Kids home in about half an hour so will have even less time to think and mope! Hope you are still feeling good.

[MrWalletwithMothsonboard]

Yummy I would totally agree if the men concerned were talking about the future, making plans etc. These men are passing time with you and in the end you have to get out.

I hung around for five, yes five years, in the hope he would plan a future with me. Not wanting to nag. Not wanting to seem needy blah blah. In the end you realize they are quite content with the status quo.

[yummymumtobe]

I just wondered (and feel free to ignore me!) if you are being unrealistic in your expectations of a relationship? You are in daily contact and spend loads of time together and seem reliant on him for support. That is more than some people have in marriages! I only say this because my friend didn't want to 'settle' and broke it off with her boyfriend (who is now happily married) and she has had a series of failed infatuations with men who she says are exciting and there's lots of 'chemistry' but I think she's realizing now that she actually had what she wanted all along and now she's probably too old to have children.

I totally understand that you probably had different types of problems with your ex which meant you felt you were incompatible. I only wanted to highlight that if it was along the lines of 'sex has gone off the boil a bit' then you might want to rethink! I will butt my nose out now, but I would hate it to be 'don't know what I had till its gone' and in a few years when he's married with babies you regret it!

However, if you really don't want him then I agree it's very mature of you to step back from the friendship. Sounds like he is maybe enjoying the attention (eg the texting during lunch) but I wouldn't give him the opportunity!

[MrWalletwithMothsonboard]

Hi Belle. Yes the similarities are quite amazing. I know for a fact that getting back would mean more of the same. Not only that, it would be humiliating to feel I had to settle for that level of communication.

Mine did not use FB so no problem there. Actually I have live OD profile and getting a few messages which is moving my brain around. Keeping busy doing stuff around the house.

Today I feel good. Hope you do.

I sometimes fantasize mine will turn up begging me to reconsider but then I realize that would actually require he had a brain transplant!!

[Belle12]

Also I'm not fussed if she is his dream woman, he's a lovely man but wasn't my dream man.

[Belle12]

MrWallet, They could be twins! Helps me too to know I'm not alone in feeling like this. If you could get back together with him do you think you would be happy or would all the old niggles still be
there?

He added "in relationship" to his FB status last night and it stung more than I thought it would so have removed him from my news feed and feel more determined to push on with my life. I don't want to be a fallback option.

Saw great film last night, The Other Woman, painfully funny at points! Laughter definitely a great distraction. Hope you are having a good day.

[MrWalletwithMothsonboard]

Also Belle, just cos he has met someone does not mean its going to be his dream woman.

[MrWalletwithMothsonboard]

Mine would have been the same if I had not gone no contact Belle. He even said we should stay friends until one of us met someone. Sadly from experience, it seems men do move on more easily so I decided I would find that too painful.

He would be quite happy to see me until it no longer suited. They sound v similar! Either way I was so depressed and unhappy by the end I had to make a choice. He let go so easily with no attempt to try to change my mind. He was not that bothered! That irks.

I think it was because the physical was waning and there was no pay off. I will never know as communicating on a deeper level was not a feature of our relationship.

Oh well. The bit about you dithering as you did not want to hurt him rings a bell too. I was the same. It is good to know I am not alone and you saved me starting my own thread. :)