DP has anger issues

[googoodolly]

I've name-changed for this. Sorry if it's long, I just need to get it out. DP and I are engaged and we've been together for 15 months. We live together, no DC.

On Saturday, we got into a huge argument. I don't even remember what it was about now, but it escalated and he got very angry. Eventually he broke down crying (first time ever) and told me that when he got angry, it was a defense thing - that he wasn't angry at whoever he was shouting at, he was angry at himself. We talked and he agreed to get help and see the doctor. He told me he wouldn't get angry with me anymore like that, and he made a GP appointment for next week.

Anyway, things since then have been tense between us. On Monday, it came to a head again and we had a corker of a row. I had a panic attack and I wanted a bath to calm down. He ran it for me and I asked him to leave me in peace for a bit. He got the huff and refused to leave the room (I was in the bath at this point) and I told him (yes, I know I shouldn't) that he was being a selfish idiot. He stormed out, then came back in, came right up into my face, bright red, and said "say that to my face." I couldn't back away and obviously I couldn't get up and leave the room. He stormed out after that.

I don't know what to do. Please don't say "LTB" because he's not a bad man. He's angry in a lot of aspects of his life, it's not exclusive to home - he gets angry with people at work and at minor incidents if things go wrong. He's agreed to get help and I'm going with him to his GP appointment next week, but he thinks everything should just go back to normal now 'cause he's apologised.

I don't know what advice I want here but I really needed to get it out. Sorry it's long.

He resents the mother in his life. He will resent any woman in that role. The behaviour ramped up when you got engaged, when you moved in, will ramp up if you make the mistake of marrying him, but that will pale into insignificance ti how he'd ramp up when you got pg, or had a baby.

His mother has hurt him to the core. He hates women, he hates everyone because of what she did to him.

You can't fix this. You can't even be a part of it.

You have to get out.

• He doesn't have 'anger issues' that are '1%' of him: he is an angry person, like a wild animal with no self-control who cannot be helped. He is trying to show lip-service to stop you leaving him.

But really? Saturday he makes an appointment to 'show willing' (I note there's no mention of an actual apology or indication he thinks he has done wrong) and two days later he's shouting say that to my face.

• I think 'has a temper' and 'impulsive' and 'rough childhood' are phrases you're telling yourself to make him sound more palatable. Romantic, perhaps? Strong heroic man who can 'handle himself' needing support?

That is not the case: people will, and already, think he is a weirdo freak. They don't think he's a strong, passionate, masculine type: they think he's a weak, tantrumming little boy in a mans body. They find him repulsive.

They will stay away from him and manage to fake politeness, but find him a freak behind his back, and - despite you saying you can handle it, you're not miserable - will think you're downtrodden and a mug.

You will dedicate a lot of energy to keeping up appearances, apologizing on his behalf, and adjusting your schedule so he doesn't act like a gibbering freak due to something setting him off.

If you have children, his 'temper' will embarrass them socially and they will feel isolated, because they're the ones with the Dad who swears and shouts and kicks things, and they can't have anyone over, through shame.

They will either 'grow up too fast', have no childhood, and spend their lives lying to reassure YOU they're Ok. Or (and this is the best option for them) they will leave home and socially detach as soon as they can from their angry, embarrassing father, and the woman they call mother who didn't put them first, and demanded they participated in some bizarre charade where they all had to pretend "Daddy the angry freak is normal".

• He's told you what he thinks: he can't (or doesn't want) to control his actions. What are YOU going to do?

Please don't stay with him OP.

My husband is an angry, angry man and I have to live with that every day. - and the fear of setting him off on one of his rants. He too screams and shouts, invades my space & refuses to leave me alone until he's 'finished' even when I'm obviously distressed.

The thing is, he was angry from the start. One or two arguments still stand out 12 years on. I didn't trust my gut then. I convinced myself he would grow out of it or learn to control his temper.

It's not all bad, we can go for weeks sometimes without incident but then it all starts again (and it's never his fault).

Leave. Don't look back. It will only get worse.

So it's only 1% of who he is, is it?
Remember the bath you were taking to calm your panic attack; if he'd pissed into the bath, so it contained 99% bath water and 1% urine, would you have stayed in the tub?

What would he do if you did this to him? I sincerely doubt he would accept that you could not control it, and didn't mean it, and he'd be right. I also doubt he would meekly stand there and let you rage.

Have you got the same right to strong feelings, including anger, in this relationship? Is he as accepting and forgiving of your flaws as you are of his? I suspect not.

My point being, it simply isn't right to treat people like this, and where the anger comes from SIMPLY DOESN'T CHANGE THAT BASIC FACT.

Everything he has said to you is special pleading intended to establish his particular right to be a twat without facing the consequences and most importantly, without taking full responsibility for it.

Think very carefully before committing yourself to continuing a relationship with him.

Oh God. I almost can't bear to read this. It's so hideously old isn't it?
There you are OP, all stars in your eyes and allusions of standing by your man through thick and thin, because it's not his fault, he doesn't mean it and he just needs the love of a good woman doesn't he?

Here's a reality check - your boyfriend there is an aggressive prick who can't behave. This is not 1% of who he is...this is entirely who he is, and it will only get worse.

You do know, Angry Men aren't some uber-masculine catch that no other women 'get', you know?

It's not like Hollywood. There aren't any rewards for nursing his 'temper'.

Angry Men are fundamentally very pathetic and cowardly and wet.

He'll happily come shout at you in the bath, but if you both got mugged, I guarantee he'd shit himself, run away, and not protect you. Or he'd get angry at you for not protecting him.

He hates his mother: you are now 'his mother' in his head, and he will expect you to make up for his anger by giving your entire life to pleasing him, and facing his rage. And I mean ENTIRE LIFE. Think of you in ten years time, with the children, and then in twenty years time. No hopes or dreams beyond 'not getting shouted at'.

It's not going to 'stop' at any point, you know?

He does 'deserve to be written off'. Other women will think he's a loser, and you a loser for trying to keep him.

I'd expect more snotting and snivelling after these tantrums. And more bleating about his childhood and how he can't help it. These freaks are also often victims , and the ones I've met I suspect to be narcissistic. Who gets angry about a video game Ffs.

It might be worth examining carefully previous relationships you had. There often is a running theme both in previous relationships and within your family. Have you known other people who are angry ? Has it been your job within your family to stuff your feelings down your throat and focus on other people's needs ? Are you a helper / supporters nature ?

I really would look at these things and try to be objective. I like many others took over a decade to get away from someone similar to your partner

Mousebacon can't you leave too??
My ex was like this; ie angry AND abusive. I put up with it for 15 years and wish I hadn't. He always promised to change but never did. Don't make my mistake and let this nasty piece ruin your next year- or 15 years -please x

I have a long (ish) term plan Thegoat

I've been looking at my finances & reckon I could manage on my own once my youngest is out of childcare. I just need to bide my time but, god, it's hard sometimes. I have about another year to go.

Everything is my fault, he knows best about everything. He actually tells me to 'just sit there and be quiet' instead of trying to reason with him. I'm not allowed an opinion on anything

He snarls in my face. God, it sounds much worse written down!

Please get out sooner if you can; like now; the stress is horrendous for you and the children. Honestly you will cope financially if you have to, you will find a way. My ex was like this- it's no way to live x

Also, bear in mind that anger is strongly linked to high blood pressure, obesity, ED issues. Angry men are unhealthy men.

So you may have to have to nurse a raging man who won't take any responsibility for his own health.

Or maybe you will develop 'coping mechanisms' involving over-eating, or excess drinking, or smoking, yourself?

OP, is he REALLY worth it?

That's interesting allto h has developed ED issues over the last 6 months or so. A blessing in one way but just something else to be angry about (and entirely my fault obv).

Thanks Thegoat I will get rid of him if I feel physically at risk in any way. It's an utterly depressing way to live. No one has the faintest idea that my life is like this.

mousebacon, you sound like you are serving a prison sentence

I hope you can get out of there as soon as possible and have a happy, aggressive-prick-free future

I'm sorry mouse it sounds miserable.
He wasn't always like that I assume?

I would not want to spend my life with someone like that

OP there is a difference between an angry person and an abusive person (at least in the way you describe them).

I would say I'm an angry person, although I try not to be:

• I'm irritable with bad drivers and while I don't swear at them, I do swear
• I can get loud and annoyed if DP doesn't do what I want him to do
• I am a manager and can be bossy

I know these are failings btw, but I am naturally quick to anger and quick to calm. What I am not, is aggressive and I think that's the danger sign here. We part, regroup, discuss and all is okay (if it merits it, if I'm just swearing at the traffic and getting my blood pressure up, DP will just suggest I take a chill pill )

He does sound aggressive and you will learn avoidance, placating etc. I grew up with this btw and I inherited the temper, just perhaps not the method of dealing with it. Shouting in your partner's face is not okay. Shouting in their face when they are presumably physically weaker and also in a vulnerable position (sat in a bath) is even less okay.

What I'm saying is, personality & the way things make you feel is important important. How you deal with the way things make you feel is that much more important as an adult.

I would not marry this man.

No, not always this way but been this way for a long time now. It seems to go in circles of a few months of normal married life then back to what we've got now.

If I try to discuss it rationally he just won't listen, turns everything round to be my fault (he wouldn't shout at me if I didn't open my mouth in the first place) or starts ranting and raving.

Sometimes I even get a list of why I'm onto a good thing e.g. 'its not as if I beat you or call you a bitch or a slut or a whore is it?' basically calling me those things in the process.

I doubt whether he sees that he's doing anything wrong.

He actually says he doesn't beat you as a plus point? LTB

Seriously, I grew up with this cycle and I sometimes regurgitate it (much to my shame), but that is low. Really low.

Why should he call you a slut, bitch or whore? I said I'm an angry person and can get plenty angry and shouty with my DP and others without questioning their sexual practices or morality. That sounds misogyinistic and would be a red flag for me.

Are your friends also whores, sluts, bitches or similar to this man?

Dear OP,

If you want to give the man a chance, then that is your choice. It is your life to dispose with as you wish.

But can you PLEASE get sterilised, or take measure to ensure you NEVER become pregnant.

I write as the child of an 'angry' man with childhood issues. Like you, my mother would have tried to forgive, and forget, and overlook any signs of anger, early on in the relationship.

She married him. She had children. She was dependent on him. He didn't quite achieve things he wanted in life, and became more and more resentful

Highlights of my childhood:

• he'd run into the room we were sleeping in, screaming and shouting and kicking and hitting us. He couldn't control himself, you see?

• he'd go into rages where he'd target one child and insist they acted to respond to his 'questions'. If they didn't, he'd scream and shout, and get violent. It was so difficult to control himself, you see?

• Social Services were called in several times.

In the meantime, my mother pottered round, wringing her hands and 'keeping the family together' and going on about how he should be nicer, how he was just stressed, and minimising everything that was happening.

She could 'cope' with it. She was 'strong'. We all had to be 'strong'. He just 'had some mood swings, as a man did'. She said he was ok "most of the time", so that was alright. He had a favourite child, from time to time, so that showed what a good father he was. It was all for OUR sake she was keeping it together.

Every now and then -just like you- she'd say something like 'oh, I told him this, he's made this promise to change'. This was what she saw as 'standing up to him'.

In the meantime, the dynamic was still him, and his anger, taking over the 'family'. I can't even use that word, because it wasn't. It was a hellhole.

I left home when I was 16. I entered an abusive relationship, recreating the same dynamic. I then left, childless, thank God, and have only sorted myself out over the last few years.

My older brother has been in trouble for criminal activities. He was autistic, you see, and my father would take out his 'anger issues' on him, physically, and screaming and shouting? So now he's autistic, mixed race, poor social skills, and will be doing time in prison. I leave it to your imagination what pain he will face there.

I am now 30. I am no longer in touch with any of my family. My younger brother learned how to box when he was fourteen, to protect his sisters at home.

Without being able to use his family as easy targets to take out his anger on, the 'angry' issues translated into my father being convicted of sexual assault of an underage girl. He couldn't and had never learned to control himself. He did whatever he wanted, so why should he stop?

My mother had her home searched, and was named and shamed, as a paedophile and known abusers wife - you see, she was so used to covering for him, she was in the same category as him?

She is treated like shit, and seen as shit, and her children hate her and are failures in life, barely coping, barely getting through.

I am getting sterilised as soon as I can, because I am terrified of passing the genes on and recreating the dynamic.

This is the 'family' my mother, who would have been YOU twenty years ago strove to make with an angry man.

This was her 'happy marriage' and her 'not giving up on a man with a temper'

So yes. Do as you wish. But make careful contraceptive choices.

E

Of course he is a bad man. Why dont you want anyone to say LTB? Im guessing his anger issues are with you as you are female, his partner and as far as he is concerned, vulnerable. Does he talk to his family or his boss/work colleagues or his mates like that? How angry does he get with them? Or does he not, and only saves this anger for you?

If you think you can somehow fix him, or attend counselling with him to try to solve this, then you are on a hiding to nowhere. My only advice to you would be, if you are aiming to stay with him then try to keep yourself safe, and resolve to call the police if he gets out of hand.

Honestly, no man is worth putting up with this kind of behaviour from. Even if I loved my man, if he behaved like this he'd be out of that door before he knew where he'd landed. Respect is very important in relationships. There is no relationship without it. You arent supposed to reach the stage of panic attacks and fear in the presence of a man who is supposed to love you.

(I know violence should not beget violence but that say that to my face again whilst all up in my face and personal space would probably have resulted on the nearest weapon I could get my hands on landing in his face).... and breathe....

Bloody cheek. The level of pisstaking here is terrible.

Alterego that's very powerful. I hope OP heeds.

Getting angry is one thing.

Getting angry and squaring up to you this early in your relationship is a big red flag.

Ignore it at your peril.

alterego

Alterego a really powerful post.