Online dating is this a bit odd

[Onmyownwith4kids]

Just started online dating. No idea what's normal. It's a long time since I've been on a date was with my stbx husband 15 years. Joined yesterday, got the usual weird and wonderful messages but then one from someone who looks lovely. Asked for my number to arrange date. Is going to call tomorrow but has asked me to dinner at his flat tomorrow. Has just sent another text asking should we dress up. Is this all a bit much for a first date? Don't know what's normal!

[cozietoesie]

Insistent? Huh.

You'd be quite right to put and end to it. He may not be a complete axe-murderer but the main alternative is that he's so blind to people's individual concerns that it wouldn't be worth while pursuing any sort of relationship. Better luck next time.

[gering]

If you meet at his place he will be expecting desert.

[SlightlyJadedJack]

It sounds like he's trying to take advantage of the fact that you haven't done OD before (I assume he does know this?) to get a shag. Sad but probably true. If he was really interested he would be happy to meet somewhere else.

Good luck with the dating though.

[fidelineish]

The insistence would alarm me. Please make your excuses and block him.

[FolkGirl]

That's a very good point chaseface. I would wonder the same.

[forumdonkey]

How do you know he's gorgeous OP? Very nice and charming he could be but men who groom always are - they're not going to be anything other than charming if they want to get something they want

This is screaming alarm bells and I wouldn't even consider a drink with him. He's already putting on the pressure and you've not met - imagine that pressure face to face. You sound a lovely lady who wouldn't want to offend him so could you say no if he was making you feel silly for not trusting him?

[FolkGirl]

But don't be disheartened, Onmyown, there are some nice guys out there. And some very interesting ones you woudn't previously have discovered.

I really would advise to not get hung up on finding someone of your 'type'. I discovered that my type now is so very different to the type I had the last time I was dating nearly 20 years ago...

[Onmyownwith4kids]

Folkgirl, wise advice about a new type. My previous solid reliable type cheated on me and hurt me beyond belief. Found all this out in august. Maybe it's a bit too soon to get back in the dating game and I'm more vulnerable and hurt than I thought, after this encounter staying on my own for a bit without feeling pressured is probably best. I was imagining a drink somewhere and a nice conversation. He's been texting with loads of kisses and calling me honey. All red flags isn't it

[FloraSpreadableMacDonald]

Hi Op....come on this thread later and update us. Good luck.

[FloraSpreadableMacDonald]

Op..cross post.
Some people are full on. Im not the type to get too 'lovey' to start until after a few dates. I do find honey a bit offputting and more than 2 kisses in a text too.
Go meet him for a drink and make your decision then. Have an excuse ready if you have to leave early.
Good luck.

[Thetallesttower]

The biggest problem here is- he's not listening to you! You told him you wanted to meet in a public place. All right-minded and nice men would respect what you said and arrange just that. He's not nice, he's pushing you into things you don't want to do.

I wouldn't even go for a drink with someone under these circumstances as he's proved himself to do what he wants, not to listen or respect you.

[FloraSpreadableMacDonald]

Op...I hadnt read your post further up the page before replying.....I think the taxi and insistence to go to his is a definite red flag! If he doesnt agree to meet in a public place then imo its a no goer. Your safety is paramount. Let us know what happens.

[Onmyownwith4kids]

So just out of interest from anyone who has dated online are there many men out there who want to date women of a similar age. Was shocked at how many balding middle aged men have very high expectations of someone young and gorgeous. Given my nearly 40 year old husband went off with a 26 year old it's making me feel past my sell by date. Any positive stories of finding love again once you're hitting your forties ( and I have 4 children as well)

[nauticant]

There are more red flags than May Day in Red Square.

4.bp.blogspot.com/-CUxZqm5cssI/T56dX8eASXI/AAAAAAAAAAg/7FmzKWiV2o4/s1600/moscow-red-square-1-may-1977-01.jpg

You're getting close to the point where any text response should be a final "This must now stop. Do not make any further attempts to contact me."

[FolkGirl]

Onmyown I have PMd you

[FolkGirl]

Oh and my 'boyfriend' is mid 40s. I'm nearly 40. He was looking for a woman between 30 and 50, so yes, younger than him, but also older. That's one of the things that I like about him. He was just looking for someone he 'clicked' with.

[LyndaCartersBigPants]

I'm 4 years older than my DP, who I met OD. If someone was only looking for younger women I presumed they just wanted a trophy gf and didn't bother with them.

I became very picky, sifting them out for bad spelling or certain photos (gym, their car, their biceps, sunglasses etc!) I was quite specific about age, just to narrow the field a bit, so at 38 I said I was looking for someone 34-48 and he only just made it into the bracket!

As it turned out, my DP admitted that originally he'd been hoping he'd meet someone 'hot as fuck' to make his ex jealous but actually realised that there was more to it than that - while he does find me beautiful, he also realised that he needed someone intelligent, caring and funny too.

His friend saw a picture of me and said I looked nice, but maybe a bit young for him which probably helped, but what really matters is that we totally hit it off on the first date and had loads in common, much of which we discovered later.

I don't know if he'd have noticed me, but I added him to my favourites list which (unbeknown to me!) alerted him and he messaged me.

He now doesn't really give a fuck what his ex thinks as he's happy. While I'm very aware that I'm not a trophy and definitely not hot as fuck, I know that his friends are very envious of our relationship because we are very good to each other!

[LyndaCartersBigPants]

Oh and I have 3 DCs too. My ex tried to make me think that nobody would want a frumpy middle aged mum of three.

Apparently he was wrong, someone does! DP loves my DCs and has two of his own.

[Thislife]

Let's face it, there is only one possible reason why he would insist you go to his place first. Don't go!

And I am (way) older than you and have found plenty of guys who are interested in meeting up. Especially if you knock a few years off.

[Thislife]

If they specify an age, ignore it.

[Bant]

I agree with everyone else. The invitation to his in the first place may possibly be down to naivete. But his insistence smacks of predatory behaviour. I would politely say no, say you've met someone else, then block and delete.

Asking if you should dress up implies either innocence ('I don't know how we should do this') or fantasy ('I'll dress up as a knight if you dress up as a milkmaid.') - but the insistence is not good.

Move on.

[AdeleNazeem]

I've tried online dating before, there are definitely a few "old hands" aka sharks on there who will take advantage of someone new to it. When I first was 'chatting' to a guy - who was very keen on keeping his identity secret - I accidentally emailed him from my 'real' address (not the alias), which has my name, which is unusual - next thing I knew he started dropping personal details about me into online conversations - where I lived, worked/had worked, been to uni etc - he had from my name cyber stalked me and god knows how he found out so much (I am pretty discreet about putting personal info. online due to having a nut job ex)… then he was messaging me whilst driving past my house at 3 am commenting ooh you are still up shall I pop in? (Had never met the guy before). Very scary.

Needless to say I wised up pretty fast about being careful with my personal info after that.

You were very sensible not to go OP, and well done for backing off.

I'm sure there are great guys out there…(god I hope so!!) .. but I do find that lots of sites are full of 40+ year olds looking for young women as they are busy having midlife crises. The best guys I have found were a bit younger then me! For me, it was a nice way to get out there and imagine having a relationship again… I was in a bad way, as a long term single parent I couldn't even begin to think about it! I have met a few really nice blokes who have become friends, because for one or other or both of us there wasn't that 'chemistry' you need for a relationship. So there are some nice guys, just try and keep wise to the liars/married/cheats/scammers/ones who just want a leg overs/weirdos. There are some fake photos on there too - I was due to meet one guy in a pub, walked round and round, thought he wasn't there - turned out he was but he looked nothing like his photo. If it was him in the pic (which I doubt) it was a least 15 years old. Do they not think we will notice the missing years? And come on guys, if you're 5 ft 5 don't pretend you're 5 ft 9 - we will notice!!

good luck in the future. For me, I gave up online dating and have instead joined some 'meet up' groups - getting out and about with groups of predominantly single people my age has been more fun, and I have met some nice guys that way. None yet relationship potential (I think I am just a proper fussy bugger maybe, hah) but you could try that alongside the online stuff; what I like about it is meeting other female friends too, widening your social circle - gotta be a good thing. Friends have single friends :)

[daisychain01]

*He sounds nice, looks gorgeous

The easiest thing in the world is for a bloke (or woman!) to post either a 10 year old photo or a photo that isn't even them! Don't just go by the outside packaging.

To a degree you have to go on trust, but it's best to reserve judgement until you see them face to face and realise they are wearing 3inch stack heels and a toupe

My DP and I met online and have been together for 6 years.