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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I have slept with my XP

29 replies

Dragonfly00 · 01/04/2014 12:45

I have name changed for this would love some impartial advice. XP and I separated in December , my choice we were were tog for 20- years, last few had been sexless really, he was also a nasty drunk. Up until a couple of weeks ago our only communication was via text ( all about DS and money). I wanted space. Anyway last week we met up for a drink and talked and broke the ice, he knows I am seeing other people, he is not, well to cut a long story short he came over last Saturday, we had a fab day and stayed the night ( sex was good) and stayed all day Sunday, BBQ and out to dinner with our son. Since then he has texted me and called a couple of times, Flirty texts. Don't know what I am asking but feeling a bit confused. I am crazy to have done this.

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Dragonfly00 · 02/04/2014 20:24

I threw him out because simply could not take anymore, we had always been best friends but he became mean and would literally pick me to pieces, he was also not being a great dad to our teen. Since the split he has tried to build bridges with DS and seems to have knuckled down @ work.

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wannaBe · 02/04/2014 20:15

maybe you both need to have a serious talk first. Before either or both of you get hurt.

How did you split - who instigated it and why? I know you said his drinking and lack of sex was an issue, but was that the cause or were there other reasons?

Also, how old is your ds? It will be very confusing for him if you two start spending a lot of time together and things then don't work out.

Dragonfly00 · 02/04/2014 20:09

But he has not said he wants to get back tog, I think he just misses us and family life, all the things that he was not good @ before, as I said before all very confusing. was gettin on with my life. I get the impression he just wants sex and feels comfortable with me now.

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wannaBe · 02/04/2014 20:04

hmm. IMO you either want to try and make it work or not.

But you need to talk first about what it is you want. But if trying to make it work (even with hard work) then it's unfair to keep seeing other people in the meantime. You can't work on rebuilding a relationship if you are still seeing others on the side. The mn collective would advise any woman to run from a man who declared he was still going to keep dating other women even though they were working on their relationship, I don't imagine the opinion of a woman planning to do the same is any different...

PlantsAndFlowers · 02/04/2014 20:03

I don't think you should be playing happy families in front of the kids unless you know for sure you're getting back together. Or it will be very confusing for them.

Dragonfly00 · 02/04/2014 19:45

animation Well I am single, why should I just stop because he has decided to show his interest.Please don't feel sorry for him, I was never unfaithful and I am honest him,
stampy I am not dangling anything, I would only have him back if he proved he had changed He put me through hell last few years, such a massive history.
I never once thought we would sleep tog

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StampyIsMyBoyfriend · 02/04/2014 19:32

Dating other people... a.k.a dangling him on a string, to punish him? With no intention of having him back?

Animation · 02/04/2014 18:49

"I am going carry on dating other people"

Ooh heck - feel a bit sorry for him now :-/

Dragonfly00 · 02/04/2014 13:00

I am going carry on dating other people, if he wants to win me back he has a lot of hard work to do.

He has made lol literally a few times by text this morning, we so share the exact same humour, where did that go in the last part of our relationship.?

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Jan45 · 02/04/2014 12:44

Proceed with extreme caution Dragon.

Dragonfly00 · 02/04/2014 12:11

wanna again good post. I am all for taking it slowly, I am in shock really because I got the impression he was enjoying his life alone. We need to do a lot of talking. We did not set eyes on each other for over 3 months or speak, I started seeing other people and have been honest with him. Seems the more I have pulled away the more he seems to want to get closer.

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wannaBe · 02/04/2014 11:57

I am very much of the opinion that someone is an ex for a reason, however twenty plus years is a long time, and presumably things weren't always bad - you got together for a reason too.

I agree with the idea of counselling and taking things slowly. There have to be changes in a relationship to make it work, and the understanding that things can't go back to the way they were or the damage next time will be irreparable.

You both need to talk about the things that led to you splitting up in the first place, the drinking, the lack of sex, can he explain to you why there was previously no sex and why it will be different this time?

But with time and effort you can get this back if it's what you really want.

Jan45 · 02/04/2014 11:47

Doesn't mean he can't change tho, perhaps the time apart has and will make him realise how life can be better when you are intimate and close to your partner as well as hitting the booze a bit on the head, i.e., you can BOTH have a happier life and relationship.

Dragonfly00 · 02/04/2014 11:29

Jan that is a very valid point I think counselling would be essential actually. Wish he could stay like this then yes I would give it a try but as you say we are almost in a dating situation and he is being on his best behaviour.

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Jan45 · 02/04/2014 11:14

It can be worth getting back together but there needs to be massive changes, can you guarantee that you'd be having a sex life and he wouldn't be a nasty drunk anymore cos that's the reality of life together, meeting as you are just now and both making an effort because you have to can give a false sense of reality.

Have you both thought about counselling?

Dragonfly00 · 02/04/2014 10:38

Well we had another lovely afternoon with the kids together and spent hours talking after they went to bed. He clearly has not moved on eventhough he has his own place refers to my house as home. It is still very much in love with me that is for sure now . Clearly his new single life is not all he hoped and now sees what he has lost, as everyone predicted except him. I am confused about my feeling, does it ever work getting back tog?

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Dragonfly00 · 01/04/2014 16:10

I cannot complain if he sleeps with someone else because we are not tog, he is shy and has suffered ED so think this is worrying him. We get on well as mates and will sit and talk for hours like we used to, before our relationship went to shit, for lots of reasons. I know he still loves me, I am not so sure as too much water under the bridge. In need to pull back to protect myself

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Animation · 01/04/2014 15:48

I would advise that you enjoy it! - and my words of wisdom would be that relationships go through peaks and troughs and that people can eventually want to do better and learn from experience and make it work. It looks to me like your ex is appreciating and respecting you and realizing a few things.

arsenaltilidie · 01/04/2014 15:37

I'd find it very hard to believe he's not allowing himself to get involved with the opp sex when he knows you are, why wouldn't he
Because he can't, and no one wants him to. Women can have sex easily but it's difficult for the majority of men.
If he is saying you are 100% over because you've slept with someone, then take his word for it.
For now he is just having sex because at the moment he is not getting it elsewhere.
Watch his behaviour when a new woman comes into the picture.

mummyOF4darlings · 01/04/2014 14:14

Hiya, have you spoke to him about hat you both want out of life and each other? Think you need to decide whether you want to be with each other or not. If both wanting to give it another go why not date for a little bit get to know each other again.

If things dont work out just avoid sleeping with him in future take it from someone who knows sometimes its best to just leave things in the past unless your 100% sure something is going to come out of it

Good luck x

Jan45 · 01/04/2014 14:08

I'd find it very hard to believe he's not allowing himself to get involved with the opp sex when he knows you are, why wouldn't he.

He'd possibly lie if he thought it would get him back into the good books, perhaps I'm wrong though but most men don't just sit at home when they know their OH is out there having sex.

I think you'd regret taking him back, date him if you want, see how that goes.

Dragonfly00 · 01/04/2014 13:57

stampy you could be right. I am not feeling bad about it I have done a such a good job of detaching don't want to get sucked in emotionally. Think I might be walking a thing line here

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StampyIsMyBoyfriend · 01/04/2014 13:38

Chalk it up to experience, call it 'one for the road'...?

Sounds like he's on his best behaviour, and reminded you of the good times?

But the problems you had, are still there...

Dragonfly00 · 01/04/2014 13:34

Yes we do love each other but not sure it would be enough. I think if I took him back or indeed if he wants to come back, he would just slip back to the way it used to be. He has no reason to lie about about not seeing other women, he knows I have slept with someone else. He did say a strange thing that when he found out he felt ill as now he knows we were over. In my mind we were 100% over, so I am wondering what the hell I'm playing @. I really don't know what to feel. I have been very good at being alone these last few months

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Jan45 · 01/04/2014 13:01

I would doubt very much that he's not in contact with other women.

Don't beat yourself up but don't do it again unless you actually want to try again otherwise you're setting yourself up to get hurt.

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