As a friend I am emotionally unavailable, and I can't cope with conflict.

[Shhthebabyisasleep]

I am finding one of my friends really hardgoing at the moment, but I suspect I am at fault, not her.

I am writing this in the hope of getting some advice about what to do next, or how to act differently.

A few weeks ago a friend of mine said she feels I prioritised a mutual friend (B) above everyone else. She said that B says "jump" and I ask "how high?". She says I drop everyone else to do what B wants and it leaves everyone else wondering why they bother.

Although it is not nice to be criticised, I am taking the time to wonder if this friend is right.

I ran into my friend this morning. She said "is everything okay between us? I feel like you're avoiding me, not answering my texts, cancelling plans"

What I thought: yes I am avoiding you. You are being needy and suffocating. I have got a lot on my plate at the moment and I don't have the energy to field your accusations. Most of what you are accusing me of is untrue. You believe I have a secret friendship with B and C that excludes you when the truth is I have never once got together with B and C for coffee or anything. I find B and C bossy, though nice women, and I feel like I'm tumbling between the 3 of you getting everything wrong. I want you all to leave me alone. I want to disappear into my house and cuddle my baby and not be having this conversation.

What I said: no of course I'm not avoiding you. Sorry I've made you feel that way. I have a lot on my plate at the moment and I've been a bit preoccupied. It's my fault. I'll see you at The Thing this evening.

Of course, I don't want to go to The Thing. I had been planning to cry off last minute. It's all unfinished with my friend and I ought to get in touch with her and be some sort of honest with her. I don't know what to do or say.

My friends are important to me and I am sorry I am being a bad friend and causing someone to feel bad. I am not sure how to fix it though when my gut feeling is screaming to just AVOID AVOID AVOID EVERYONE, don't get involved, don't go out, never ever have a conversation with anyone ever again (!).

All very playground I know, but if you could manage not to roll your eyes and give me some advice I'd appreciate it.

[QueenofallIsee]

I know what you mean OP, I cringe away from anything that is too...I dunno, needy/stifling/close. I hate all this idea that every blooming thing needs talking about and that 'true friends' overshare. I have kept it buttoned many times when confronted with nonsense by grown women!

A close friend of mine went on about something similar to what you describe last year - upon her saying 'I know you think you don't [leave me out] and I do know its not on purpose, but as I am your friend, surely MY FEELINGS matter'. My response was 'why do your feelings about something automatically mean that you deserve prioritization, even when by your own admission you are over reacting?' We are still friends, she copped onto herself and everyone is happy

breeze through, be firm about your boundaries and remember your have no obligation to anyone!

[TwittyMcTwitterson]

If your friend is worried about you because of things irrelevant to this thread, perhaps she is trying her best to help out. Thinking she's letting you know she wants to help but actually, just pissing you off!

I too hate confrontation so understand. I could be called emotionally unavailable.

Did I hear you say you're coming down with the flu? If so, I think you do need to reassure her you're still very much her friend otherwise I think you are right that this will exacerbate her neediness and questions. As you state, this is what got you into 'trouble' in the first place. But be firm that you're not up for tonight

[billandcoo]

Maybe a bit of 'divide and conquer' is at play here too? Would 'A' like to be your main friend?

BTW holla You advice of I would have handled the initial criticism of your relationship with B by saying something like "do you really think so?", smiling and firmly changing the subject. Don't get sucked into this sort of psychodrama, a lot of women thrive on it and it sounds like friend A is one of them. If you don't want to see her, be busy, in terribly smily and breezy way. Do not engage with the "are you avoiding me" conversation. This is another attempt to draw you into drama. Don't text her, it will feed the weirdness. Just leave it and she will simmer down

may just change my life

I get caught up in my Mum and older Sister's crap - they're very deep and meaningful and I'm very private.

Thanks!

[Chickens123]

Don't be hard on yourself OP. Just turn off the phone and be with your little one. Have time for yourself too. If our friends are for keeps they will understand and give you space.