Went NC with friend, now she is asking to meet up?

[Mrswellyboot]

Advice please

One of my longest known friends and I met regularly but I didn't really enjoy meeting up with her. However, she has her good points. Bad points are moaning (excessively) I don't mind a little, ringing constantly to meet up (like on a Sunday morning to meet later in the day- Sunday is my muk day at home), old fashioned chat (very nosey and then mixes up what I have said and repeats it back constantly 'you said this the last time'

I get a bit embarrassed around her asking me if I've ever had thrush in front of her husband, telling mine I used to be obsessed with weight watchers ( we had only started dating)

Anyway I could put up with all these things.

When I have birth I wanted a few days to myself, bleeding nipples, emcs recovery. She rang while still in hospital and dh asked her to postpone coming in. She then rang my mother saying my dh wasn't letting me have visitors (my mum basks in scandal and gossip too).

She sent wierd texts how 'we are all sore', then tried calling to the house with dh and two kids, I said no problem. She said between 8 & 9 pm. I asked her could they come during the day at the weekend that I was cluster feeding. New baby, just home and she started shouting. Then contacting my mother, ringing her and talking about what was wrong with me.

I feel so guilty but I asked her to leave me have my space. I haven't returned calls. She knows I thought she was nasty and started crying and crying.

Couple on months have passed. She rang and text today to meet up again.

What do I do ? Ps. I don't have that many friends but am I better with none or do I make up with aghhh

[MrsKermittSmith]

That's good, support from your mother will help.

I would remain as detached as possible in your dealings with her.

Hopefully those at work will see who is dignified and sensible and who is ott and obsessive. Its a shame you don't feel you can talk to your boss about it, how long do you have before you return to work?

[Mrswellyboot]

I appreciate your advice on all this- it has fried my head. Then I was doubting myself thinking if she cares that much about me, she must be a good friend after all - but I know she will be lovely for two or three visits then the insults and draining behaviour will start

She used to be alright (but different outlook I thought)
This has just proven how overpowering she is. My mother knows now and agrees she hasn't been a friend.

[Comeatmefam]

God what a nightmare.

All I would suggest is keep things open and honest ie don't hide her comments or behaviour from work or your frankly odd parents. Explain succintly and honestly that she is hounding you, has lied about you and gossips about you without foundation - and for various reasons (no need to go into minute detail) you don't want to have a friendship with her.

I'd send one more email or text to her then stop engaging completely. Keep this communication extremely short and to the point: 'I don't want you to contact me again, I don't want to carry on our friendship'. The only reason I'm suggesting this is so you have proof that you have made yourself abundantly clear if she lies about this too - or if you have to go to the police about her eventually (I hope not).

[Ivehearditallnow]

*saying anything that's going to wind her up (ie getting in to all the ins and outs of who's said what to who etc) x

[Ivehearditallnow]

If this was a DP/DH who wouldn't leave you alone a lot of us would be saying to go to a police station for advice! So I agree with Kermitt - procede with caution and avoid anything that's going to wind her up.

[MrsKermittSmith]

This all sounds so awkward! I think you are right to be very cautious. Perhaps another letter saying the same thing, then send repeatedly until she finds a new victim? Hopefully it will all be over by the time you return to work?

[Ivehearditallnow]

It's not boring at all... feel bad for you.

There was someone I used to work with (utter gobshite btw with zero life of her own) who wanted us all to appear at my friend's house after she'd had a baby. We had to explain (in a way you would to a child!) why it was inappropriate... I'd actually been myself (I was invited) so volunteered to take any pressies/cards people had for her...

There are some saddos out there. What does your DH say? I bet it's doing his head in as well! x

[chrissy74]

"Keep ignoring. She sounds poisonous - personality disorder territory."

My thoughts as well

[ThePost]

Organ Grinders get very upset when the monkey stops dancing to their tune. You're not doing what she wants so she is trying to make you, with no regard for your feelings. Don't engage. Keep a log of all calls, texts and messages in case she really goes bonkers and you need to make things more official.

[Mrswellyboot]

Sorry for boring you with all this

I don't trust the work gossip. My pregancy news got out at eight weeks because the boss told my news. Gossip is rife. That's why I am worried about letting work know.

He thing is I don't think she she said pnd to my mother but something like 'wellyboot has changed so much since she got married. I am so so worried about her, I hope there is nothing wrong with her, I don't know what's going on in her mind'

So she didn't specifically say it, but she's trying to say I'm unwell. Ie, blaming me for changing rather than her being the offender.

[Ivehearditallnow]

Hmm. Still think a short line 'Please back off and give me some peace, and stop telling people I have PND when it's none of your business and isn't true' etc.
Repeat this every time she contacts you. Eventually she will bugger off.

She sounds like she is in love with or obsessed with you! Maybe just v jealous?

Def talk to boss (quick email?) just saying that you've been getting a lot of pressure to see a colleague outside work. Then IF she starts moaning at work that you won't see the boss may chip in and politely tell her to give you some space.

[Mrswellyboot]

Hi heard it all. I wrote the letter a couple of months ago and this has started again

[Ivehearditallnow]

Glad to hear about the letter - sounds calm and clear (any ranting will just spark more drama), but I agree with Bogey RE work. Someone needs to know that this woman is causing you to feel uncomfortable for when you go back to work x

[Mrswellyboot]

They are aware of her at work but as I'm on ML, they don't know I've gone NC with her.

I have been in my job for fifteen years and haven't had conflict with anyone and my boss has often said I am genuine and easy going. So I am not worried about my boss really. I will just feel awkward meeting ex friend.

[Bogeyface]

I would make a point of raising this issue professionally because you dont want her gossip to affect your career. Speak to your boss (dont bring up what your boss asked about you being ok) and explain that there is an issue there and how does she think you should deal with it. Your boss (if she has half a brain) will make sure that word gets around that you are not the issue.

[Mrswellyboot]

The fact I will have to work with her professionally in the future is putting me off getting into any type of conflict with her.

I don't want to let myself down. To be honest of a friend drifted away from me (which did happen after I got married) I woud wish them the best and think we are at different life stages.

These calls, text and visit are a joke. I wrote to her and told her that she was not to contact my mother again, that I was fine and needed space. If was really a polite feck off type of letter. I thought that it would do the trick.

[Hissy]

"Your behaviour and your treatment of me around the time of my babys birth was unforgivable. Do not contact me again, either directly or via anyone else"

the last sentence of what bogey suggested is perfect.

[Anniegetyourgun]

For the avoidance of doubt: this person is not your friend. She's more like a vampire, really. They suck the life out of you, they hate to let a victim go while they're still warm, and once you let them over the threshold you can't keep them out.

[Mrswellyboot]

My boss landed over to my house recently asking was I alright too. Now, this could be coincidental but said friend would have some contact with my boss

Oh god - who needs this crap

[Bogeyface]

Ive she has already been told this and is ignoring it, she needs it made clear that the OP doesnt want any contact at all, and why. She will still kick off but if she gets nasty and the OP has to take further steps (wouldnt be surprised if the harassment gets worse before it stops) she will have evidence that she asked this fruit loop to leave her alone in no uncertain terms.

The OP doesnt have to respond to anything after that.

[Ivehearditallnow]

Meh - yeah, bit lengthy and unlikely not to attract a response though to be honest. To be fair to the loony - she's bound to want a right to reply if you dish out a speech.

I'd say "I'd rather we didn't spend time together any more, I really want some time and space to spend with my family. Please leave respect this."

It's up to your mum and other people to tell her to go away, if they want to. x

[Bogeyface]

"I received your messages and your note. I understand from my mother that you believe I have PND and this is why I have not contacted. I would like to make it quite clear that I have no illness, mental or otherwise, and the reason I have no contacted you is because our friendship is over. Your behaviour and your treatment of me around the time of my babys birth was unforgivable. Do not contact me again, either directly or via anyone else"

[Ivehearditallnow]

Yeah, it sounds so awkward and unnecessary - not the best when you're trying to concentrate on your bambino!

I think a brief but definite line, no kisses or smileys etc. Keep repeating until she buggers off. x

[chattychattyboomba]

What a nutter!

[Ivehearditallnow]

Can't imagine my mum telling any of my friends my business - very odd.