Am I over reacting

[Sunshinesometimes]

Earlier today I asked my dh for help to move furniture as I ve had a long standing ( 10 yrs ) back problem. He began to ridicule me for my bad back saying like I sounded like some one we know who is a known hypochondriac, everyday a different illness. I told him he really upsets me when he does that as he knows I m in pain everyday with it and really rarely complain , he told me to stop being stupid and as I walked away I got a shock as something hit me on the back, I turned around and he had thrown a toy at me - it was a fairly soft toy but threw hard and he knows even a too firm touch really feels tender on my back.
I really feel angry at him now but he is playing it down as just a toy and he threw it gentle mucking about - I don't agree I feel it was thrown in temper and I can't bear to be near him - am I over playing this?

[Sunshinesometimes]

Yes I m starting to see that too now, I know I can do it alone if needs be and it will be less stressful, I know it's bad but it's cos he uses something soft I think I m over reacting where it would be easier to be tougher if it was nt explained as don't be daft

[Tinks42]

OP, why are you letting him drag you down and treat you like this? A partnership should be a two way street. He sounds very mean and self entitled to me.

[Sunshinesometimes]

I ve just spoken to him and told him I won't put up with it and it is unacceptable and if he can't see that then I'm done. He has apologised and admitted it was wrong. I don't know if he will keep to it but I m damn sure things are going to have to change , I won't make allowances any more I ve had enough

[tallwivglasses]

Give it a short time limit then.

[Lweji]

Yes, good luck. He's bound to do it again anyway.
Make sure you have a leaving plan, just in case.

[Lweji]

In any case, good for you. Keep it up. :)

[cozietoesie]

I'd make sure I had a leaving plan as well. A while back a pillow, today a toy ....... and next week it could be an iron or something harder which happens to be to hand. Anything thrown which is not a pure accident is a huge No No.

[Sunshinesometimes]

Thank you all , leaving plan is that he ll be the one leaving - house is in my name and I m the one that looks after everything. Either things change or the door will be locked with a bag waiting for him, I've enough to deal with without any more stress.

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

Why is he so fucking lazy?

You are not over reacting.

[cozietoesie]

Good for you. Remember as well that you have to be thinking of your 3 DC as well as yourself. The current family environment doesn't sound too good for them.

[CinnabarRed]

Based on this thread, he sounds very cocklodger-esque.

[CinnabarRed]

Do seek legal advice though - as your DH, he has rights to access the family home irrespective of whose name it's in. He may also have a financial claim, as it became a marital asset when you married irrespective of who brought what to the marriage.

He may be able to claim some form of spousal maintenance.

Is he a SAHD? If so, he might argue that he should have residence of your children (although given how lazy he is he may not want this).

Get thee to a solicitor and find out the facts.

[GarlicMarchHare]

Based on this thread, he sounds very cocklodger-esque.

This.

And Cinnabar's next post, too.

OP, I'm really sorry you have come to normalise being treated with contempt. Good to hear you sounding rightly angry! All the best.

[LoisPuddingLane]

This throwing of soft things at you - it doesn't matter that they are soft. On a previous thread, somebody's friend had tipped water over his girlfriend. A poster tried minimising this saying it was only water. It doesn't matter what is being tipped/thrown. It's the intention behind it. Will it only be serious if he throws something that is not soft? I think it's quite serious already.

[Joysmum]

I too would have a contingency in place to enable you to easily split if needs be.

You've basically told how how things will need to be, but you need to be sure he understands how he hurt you and decide on his own merits that it wasn't good enough. I worry that he may just have agreed with you because he had to, rather than actually fully appreciating why it was wrong IYKWIM?

[Sunshinesometimes]

Yes thank you for helping me see I must be stronger, the house is rented, he s not really the stay at home dad as I ve trained into a job whereby I work around the kids so i work once they are at school and luckily can finish to collect them.

[waltermittymissus]

He is one of those who everyone loves , who is such fun and great with our kids so I would look crazy for making a fuss

You know this was your response to "let me guess, he makes you laugh and is a good dad (sometimes with the occasional play)"?

It's no good telling him change or you're out. You need to mean it!

Why are you with him? Aside from the kids who he does jack shit with

[RedRoom]

No, it's absolutely horrible behaviour. It's not about the back though, in all likelihood. Something else is bothering him, and asking him to lift furniture was a way for him to vent. How is he behaving at other times?

[Thattimeofyearagain]

What a nasty, lazy piss taking shit !