How do you deal with negative people?

[ikeaaddict]

How do you deal with someone who, everytime you see them, just comes up to you and starts moaning about anything and everything?

It's someone that I can't avoid as she is my DD's best friend's mum and I see her on the school run every day, and also socially as little as possible.

She never ever has a positive word to say about anything. Today she was moaning as she's spent the whole day doing housework and is now tired.

It's draining....

[nerofiend]

I vent a lot about housework, wife work, motherhood, and how being a woman sometimes utterly sucks.

The problem here is that you don't seem to be on the same wavelength as hers.

I love a right old moan with my friends over coffee. If you don't do these things with other fellow mums, who are you going to moan to?

Send her over to me OP, she sounds like the kind of friend I'd love to have :)

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

My friend's late DF had a very dry sense of humour. Was with him once as he listened to one of these 'Dementors' sucking the life out of the conversation. He said nothing but allowed them to drone on and on. Eventually they came to a natural halt.

"Still" he said, sipping thoughtfully on a pint. "It's keeping so cheerful what keeps you going..."

I swear he winked at me..

[aurynne]

I used to feel sorry for these people and spend hours listening to their neverending drama. These days I am much more selfish and drop them off my radar early on, so there's no chance of a friendship developing. My life has greatly improved as a result.

[HelenHen]

Ahh these people suck the life out of you. I find it helps making a game out of how many negatives you can make a positive! Eventually they get bored and go sap somebody else!

[2rebecca]

You don't have to be friends with your kids' parents. As they get older you may not even meet them. The only parents of my kids' friends I chat to are those I like. I say polite hellos to the others but wouldn't deliberately socialise with them or hang around and chat. I'd be "just on my way out" if she turns up for a chat and asking her to phone in advance in future. You could try telling her that you feel she is always moaning at you and that is draining for you. She'll get upset but it may make her realise the effect she has on people and she'll avoid you. It may affect your child's friendship though.

[scottishmummy]

No it's not op responsibility to cheer up or jolly along this woman
Her demeanour is her unlikely to change by the op trying to tell her happy things
I'd suggest keep the social contact,light and functional and no don't attempt initiate change

[RandomMess]

"Have you ever considered trying the 100 days of happiness?" head slightly tilted and a huge smile on your face...

[RandomMess]

Learn the fine art of turing up to collect your dd at the last moment possible without being late...

[NiaceGuidelines]

Why not get a motivational dvd or 'positive thinking' mantras or something. Next time she turns up unannounced. tell her you have got to make a quick phone call and offer her the dvd to watch while you make a call. A book titled 'how not to be a miserable bastard' may also do the trick. Tell her to take it home with her.

[Millyblods]

You don't have to have her in your life...she is toxic to you and that's very unhealthy. You need to learn to be more assertive and put yourself first. Try being positive whenever she is negative and that will usually stop her or she will stop moaning at you so much.

[kerala]

In laws are like this its maddening. After a day with them I have a splitting headache. My response is to be crazily upbeat I am sure they think I am a mad optimist which I am not except with them.

Example I had just got back from a lovely holiday. Their response

Her "0hh Howard and Hilda went there they said it was too hot"
Him "and they couldn't park"
Her "traffic jams. They said there were lots of traffic jams"
Him "I wouldn't like it don't speak French"

Me: I HAD A LOVELY TIME!

[lovelychops]

I had a neighbour like this and I found her really draining, and I used to avoid her.
At times when I couldn't ignore her I used to respond to every negative with a positive.
So she was moaning about out land lord, I'd say 'he's a good guy, speak to him'
Moaning about where she was moving with work, I'd say 'I hear it's lovely there, how exiting'.
Luckily she moved. It was hard work though.

[hunreeeal]

Yes that does make sense OP. I had a friend who often complained, but if anyone did the same back she'd moan about them doing so, because she "had enough problems of her own"! The friendship ended for other reasons though. She was moaning about me as well as everything else!

I really dislike forced positivity for its own sake, and fair-weather friends, but in your situation I do understand what you mean. It doesn't sound like a reciprocal friendship if she wouldn't be willing to listen to you at all.

[jayho]

I love askhole, will use that at work

[ikeaaddict]

I wouldn't mind the moaning if she ever listened to a word I say, but she doesn't. She just reels off a list of things she wants to moan about every time I see her. I can barely get a word in edgeways and if I say anything she doesn't listen and just turns things round to being about her again and how tired/ill/fed up/busy she is.

[hunreeeal]

Housework can be tiring though. She obviously feels comfortable enough with you to be honest about the everyday stuff. In some ways that's a compliment! But it sounds as if you just don't like her, so smile and say a quick hello, then be on your way to whatever you're doing next.

[ikeaaddict]

Haha yes I'd describe her as an energy vampire and as an askhole!

[ScarletStar]

Have you heard of the term 'energy vampire?' It's just a freaky way of describing someone who drains you of all your energy. I find these people very hard to deal with and therefore just avoid as much as possible. If you do come in contact with them, smile brightly when they moan, rudely interrupt them and say something like 'ooh what a gorgeous day!'

Another term I saw on the internet was 'Askhole - a person who constantly asks for advice and never takes it.' I hate people playing the 'yeah, but' game with me.

[scottishmummy]

You'll not change her gloomy disposition,but you don't need to be burdened by it
Smile,and let it wash over you,maybe she's a glass half empty disposition

[Viviennemary]

Stop moaning about people. . I find really cheerful people annoying. Just avoid her when you can as she's obviously not your type.. She shouldn't be calling on you uninvited though.

[ikeaaddict]

Good ideas there. I'll start challenging the things that she says. I wonder if it might also help if I start trying to make things into positives when she starts moaning?

[jayho]

I was going to say exactly what Angela said. I work with someone like this and have recently started challenging them, I say 'why' and 'what are you going to do', they usually go off on one about how they can't do anything and I just turn into a four year old saying 'why', 'why'

It is tailing off, definitely works a treat

[AngelaDaviesHair]

Turns up uninvited and vents, huh?

Ask questions. E.g. 'So what are you going to do about it?' 'Why's that?' 'Do you think so?' 'Why can't you let him do it?' 'What's the worst that could happen, though?' Be polite, but very persistently questioning. It is a good way to challenge what the person is saying (if you keep it up) without being rude.

Thing is, people like this are often rude themselves in that they are using you to vent on, entertain them without giving you anything in return or thinking about whether it suits you to be made to listen in that way. As long as you let her in, listen passively and never assert yourself, nothing will change, she will keep imposing. If you start being a less malleable and convenient audience, she might not.

[ikeaaddict]

I posted about this on a facebook group that I am a member of and just received a total pasting, saying that I was unreasonable and all this "poor woman" needs is a few minutes of my time each day (yeah, to be an emotional leech).

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

My former lodger was a hypochondriac. One day after listening to her alleged illnesses and various whacky cures (don't get me started on the Chinese herbal medicine) for a few hours I lost patience and said

"But there's nothing really wrong with you is there?"

That shut the miserable woman up. So that's my suggestion... challenge the woes and stop being a shoulder to cry on.